hidden insecurities

[momstier]

My first-grader son is very outgoing socially, at the park he regularly rounds up large groups of kids to play tag together, is super animated and has a great sense of humor.  Other kids generally tend to like him but nobody is perfect of course. He can be cocky at times which infuses play with intermittent conflict.  I have noticed that at school and also in tumbling class, he has this tendency to fake his way through practice exercises (with bravado no less).  It is so frustrating to see this happening because he will never gain the skills he obviously wishes to have if he doesn't go through the  beginner phase.  

Whether it's reading or running around an obstacle course I think he is so afraid to let anyone see him awkwardly struggling, that he tries to mask effort to avoid embarrassment.  So consequently he cuts corners and misses learning opportunities.  His teachers don't always notice because in a general way he appears to be keeping up with the other kids I tend not to intervene on the spot because I don't want to embarrass him.  If I bring it up privately afterward he becomes hostile and argumentative.
Homework is an epic struggle.  He is extremely bright and tested into an accelerated school but as a transfer student he is not as far along as the kids who have been there since kindergarten. He fights homework every step of the way so it takes forever.  This, I believe is related to his frustration with not already knowing the material when he sits down to learn it (after two very expensive years we finally quit piano lessons because of this trait).   I want to humble him somehow so that he can accept where he is in life and move forward.  

Then, when we are at home, he is sometimes afraid to be alone in a room (even if it is a room adjacent to where we are).  And at night he is very fearful in the dark (can't sleep with night-lights on though I tried).  If I lie down in his bed with him he can fall asleep easily enough, but if I try to slip out before he dozes off he becomes agitated and weepy.  He says he is afraid of monsters.  He says he knows they don't exist for real but he is afraid they will come into his dreams.  He says he feels as though there is a little peephole somewhere and he is being watched through it by something "evil" and that it will slip into his dreams if I'm not there.  

I have taught him how to recognize when he is having a nightmare so that he can change it or wake himself up.  I told him that he is the king of his dreams, god of his dreams and he can take control.   He said he is too little, that he actually can tell when he is having a nightmare and he does try to stop it but nothing works.  I feel helpless in the face of his feelings of helplessness!  He does not actually have nightmares that often, but his fear of them is preventing him from being able to fall asleep alone.  And his fear of being a beginner is preventing him from gaining mastery.

So here is my question: How can I help my son to feel secure enough to be vulnerable in school and at the gym while he is learning new things, and secure enough at home that he is able to be alone in his room when it is time to fall asleep?  

Sleeplessly, helplessly,
Momstier

[gigi44]

My just-seven-year-old daughter has the very same issues with not wanting to be a beginner, and always interested in what everyone else is doing, but not concentrating on her own development.  It's such a struggle and soooo hard to watch.  I just witnessed her at an audition while her friends were chosen, she was not because she didn't follow simple directions, but instead tried to "direct" others and kept stepping out of line.  It was heart-breaking because I'm watching her sabotage herself.  I told her I was proud of her for trying, and that I was there if she wanted to talk about it.  I reminded her that there was next year and then later it came up about what the directors were looking for; namely, loud, clear voice and abitlity to follow directions.  I asked which ones she might work on.  I don't know she said, so I offered the following directions. She thought she was, she said.  I was a mix of feelings because I watch her not listen and distract a lot.  I often say something, or have her go to bed early to pay back time I had to spend reminding her, etc. aaaarrrrrggg.  I guess I am most saddened by the fact that I was like this, but my upbringing was soooooo unstable compared to my daughter's.  I read the previous comments about perfectionism and wondered if that was going on.  I'm not sure, but am looking forward to hearing others' comments, etc.  -momofella

[specialmom]

Hi,  my post to the other parent on here was about something entirely different.  What you speak of, I suffered as a child and into my adult years.  What actually happens to me is that I am a light sleeper and if something wakes me during the night, it would appear I am sleep walking.  I have acted out dreams and scared my parents and now husband to death.  My family went on a cruise when I was a child and my father had to chase me down the hall as I was running down the hall in a panic that my family had left me on the boat and I had to get off to find them.  I've woken to running at sprint level down the street in the middle of the night . . . going where, I have no idea.  It is very scary.  I've woken up with things in bed with me.  All very bizarre but what happens is what I first told you.  I've been seen by two doctors for it.  So, what to do?  I sleep with a fan on high pointed away from me.  It cuts down on noise and the chance that I'll be startled during a dream and enter that half awake and half asleep phase.  I had these experiences most often in my childhood but remember the ones in my adult life as they were quite memorable.  Probably happened 10 times.  (had the police called because I screamed bloody murder and my neighbors thought that was happening to me . . . was home alone, sleeping . . .)  Since the fan and I've had kids, I now pass out when I go to bed and have only had brief encounters of sleep walking in the past 5 years.

As far as falling asleep, your son may be saying exactly how he feels.  His brain is on and he can't quiet it.  I'd pay special attention to his night time routine.  I'd keep it relaxing----  shower/bath, pj's, snack, little back rub and long hug (some kids like pressure before bed) and off he goes.  Some kids like to read but this can actually be too stimulating if your son loves to read and gets into books.  Put something weighted on him (like 4 pounds)----  that probably sounds nuts but my son had issues with this and this suggestion from an occupational therapist worked.  I also think lots of activity during the day helps turn off the brain at night.  Try the fan too, obviously.

Good luck and hopefully I didn't scare you with my sleepwalking stories.  Little known fact about me . . .

[Chiasso]

Hello,
My 8 year old son is in the second grade and we are (and have been) experiencing the same issues.  This has been going on since mid-kindergarten.  Although, we do get a break and can sleep Friday, Saturday and during the summer when school is out.  

He feels his brain does not "turn off" at night.  His dreams are very vivid (I can relate to this because I am the same way).  

Prior to Christmas break he would be hysterically laughing and running up and down the hallway at 2:00am.  We knew by his eyes he was asleep and he would not remember a minute of it the next morning.

We have tried the "home remedy" of Benadryl before bed.  Unfortunately, he will fall asleep but still wakes during the night.  Friends have suggested adnoid problems and the removal of them.  Also, melatonin has been recommended.  To date, I have not tried
any of the above.  

We are going to the pediatrician on Friday to ask for help.  Any additional input is greatly appreciated.

[WantToHelpMom]

Hello,
When I read your post(momstier), I see you describing my 9 year old daughter. The narration of 'At home" incident is just ditto and so are other incidents that you mentioned.
I have been looking for advices all along as it has been a couple of months since I am seeing this kinda of behaviour with her.

Special Mom, thanks for your post. I agree with a lot of what you mentioned as my daughter tries to be a perfectionist.

I always tell myself I should have more patience to deal with her attitude and behavious, however I loose it many a times and I feel so sorry for yelling at her for her behaviour. I would truly appreciate more ideas and advices of dealing with situation mentioned my monstier.

[specialmom]

Hello,  one thing kids do that is a protective mechanism is to avoid doing things they are unsure about or insecure about.  It is a sign of perfectionism.  Perfectionism sounds all great as getting it perfect is always the goal . . .right?  Well, not really.  Perfectionists tend to be extremely insecure and never feel like they measure up because as you know, no one is perfect.  Somewhere along the line, he has learned that being perfect is important.  Does he have a perfectionist parent?  It can be inborn, I suppose.  But usually it is either because a parent lives this way or there is a specific tone to the home.  I would try to change it while you still can.  

I'd tell stories of your own goof ups and how it was no big deal.  I'd encourage him to goof up and just have fun with what he does.  I'd play games with him and make sure he sometimes loses.  And when you lose, I'd handle it in an exagerated way saying "oh, maybe next time I will win".  While we want our kids to do well-----  he is only in first grade.  Make sure you aren't talking about his academic achievements and accomplishments in front of him or how he stacks up to the class.  I'd try make sure you aren't too intense with that stuff.  

And I know you will say NO way to this . . . but some kids have minor issues such as a motor planning problem that is slight.  A tumbling class or playing piano may be actually difficult and a coping mechanism is to avoid it or be "class clown".  Those are classic responses.  

Lastly, make sure he is picking his own activities.  My kids are sports nuts----- but also liked kindermusik very much.  But I try something once and if they don't like it, I move on.  I'm guessing that piano isn't the top favorite little boy activity . . . I don't think my sons would be too interested in practicing (they are 4 and 6).  

All just my opinion and nothing more, I hope you find the right fit and answer for your boy!  Good luck.

[margypops]

How about focusing on his positive side and praising him when you see him doing something right....