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When it's time to move in together....
My BF (39) and I (33) have been dating for about a year and a half. He is divorced and has twin 8 yr old boys who love me, and whom I love. I have known them for about a year. We feel it is time to take the next step and move in together. He has dicussed this with the boys and they are in favor of the change. My question (on my boyfriend's behalf) is how does he tell HIS parents about this decision? They know and like me, but he is sure they will disapprove on the children's behalf, thinking it could be too soon (they divorced when he was a teenager and both remarried successfully)... i.e. what happens if we break up one day? He of course is concerned about this too; but realizes there can be no ultimate guarantee - ever. My lease on my condominium is coming up in 2 months and if I do not give notice by July first, I will have to resign for a full year. This will put us at almost 3 yrs of dating before we move in. I have not been married and am hoping to create a normal family life for myself- one where I ulimately will be married and maybe even have a child. At my age, I do not want to be moving in slow motion. This decision is very important to me - so I really want my BF to feel comfortable broaching the subject with his parents. I know he is a grown man and answerable to no one, but they helped him a lot after his divorce (he has been single for about 2 years) and he wants them to understand. Please help us! THANK YOU!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
While its a great sign that the kids feel excited, none of us can look into a crystal ball and determine how they will feel when it actually happens. Check out those books I recommended, they have much more useful information than I can provide in an email.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have some more thinking to do, and there is no better way to get things solved than to work with a couples therapist. You really want to go into this knowing what each other's expectations and worries are. Before you make this serious next step, you need to figure out your long term commitment plans. If there are no plans for a long-term life partnership, than you will want to figure out why and what exactly you are doing before you set up expectations for the boys. After all, the stakes are not just that your relationship would not work out, but that you are going to put 2 children through another life disrupting, painful event if you break up. The rates of divorce for second marriages are well above the already sad odds for first marriages, so do not take this preparation process lightly.
As far as telling the parents, a couples therapist can help with that issue as well. Your boyfriend can also meet with a therapist privately to practice strategies. Telling them about this decision deserves all of the consideration that telling them about an engagement would involve, because if you are getting involved in parenting these children you are making a commitment not to let those kids down if at all possible. You will want everyone in both families on your side. It is too serious for an email. The Enlightened Stepmother has lots of information about creating a united front when relatives disapprove, and so does the book The Seven Secrets of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have some more thinking to do, and there is no better way to get things solved than to work with a couples therapist. You really want to go into this knowing what each other's expectations and worries are. Before you make this serious next step, you need to figure out your long term commitment plans. If there are no plans for a long-term life partnership, than you will want to figure out why and what exactly you are doing before you set up expectations for the boys. After all, the stakes are not just that your relationship would not work out, but that you are going to put 2 children through another life disrupting, painful event if you break up. The rates of divorce for second marriages are well above the already sad odds for first marriages, so do not take this preparation process lightly.
As far as telling the parents, a couples therapist can help with that issue as well. Your boyfriend can also meet with a therapist privately to practice strategies. Telling them about this decision deserves all of the consideration that telling them about an engagement would involve, because if you are getting involved in parenting these children you are making a commitment not to let those kids down if at all possible. You will want everyone in both families on your side. It is too serious for an email. The Enlightened Stepmother has lots of information about creating a united front when relatives disapprove, and so does the book The Seven Secrets of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
Thank you for your words of encouragement... But I don't know if my question was clear. My boyfriend (not a husband at this point with no engagement in the works as of yet) wants to know how to broach the subject with his parents. He is wary of their disapproval at this point and their opinion DOES definitely make a difference to him, although I assume won't be a deciding factor - but I don't know that for sure... He also wants to know when it is an appropriate time for the kids sake. The fact that he has talked to them about it over the last few months and they are excited tells me they are ready - is that right? Please let me know if you have any insights into the way to bring this up to his parents. I suggested an email - is this too impersonal? Sorry to bother you again, but I don't think I made my question clear enough. You answered another question for me about a week ago and were very specific which I REALLY appreciated. Thanks!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Shay,
the moving in part is huge, and fortunately you have 2 months to plan to make sure it goes smoothly. Since both of your husband's parents have successfully remarried, I am sure they understand how hard it is to introduce a new spouse into their lives. They will naturally feel protective about their grandchildren, but I like hearing that your partner's primary commitment here is to the NEW family he is building with you. Your husband should sit down privately with them and present the decision, listen to their concerns, and ask them for all of their support as you make this difficult transition.
Good to hear that your husband has spoken privately to the boys. He should do so frequently as the process unfolds, letting them have a chance to ask questions and express concerns. Kids at this age will want to know things like if you are getting married and really practical matters like where your stuff will go. They may be very attatched to familiar objects in the house, so try to be sensitive to that. Be prepared for them not to like all of the changes that happen, but there will be pros and cons for everyone. There are two great books that I recommend to anyone in this situation, including The Enlightened Stepmother (which covers a lot about how to help his family adjust to your new role in their lives as well as the nitty gritty of how to avoid common pitfalls such as automatically taking over all of the domestic chores). You and your partner should also check out Difficult Questions Kids Ask about Divorce, since lots of questions are going to come up that you will feel confused about how to answer. Finally, some visits to a couples therapist can help you problem solve as well as clear up expectations for how you will parent together. I recommend going for therapy help before there are problems. You two will want to work as a untied front from the beginning.
Just go slow, keep lines of communication open, and anticpate that there will be 'bumps.'
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
the moving in part is huge, and fortunately you have 2 months to plan to make sure it goes smoothly. Since both of your husband's parents have successfully remarried, I am sure they understand how hard it is to introduce a new spouse into their lives. They will naturally feel protective about their grandchildren, but I like hearing that your partner's primary commitment here is to the NEW family he is building with you. Your husband should sit down privately with them and present the decision, listen to their concerns, and ask them for all of their support as you make this difficult transition.
Good to hear that your husband has spoken privately to the boys. He should do so frequently as the process unfolds, letting them have a chance to ask questions and express concerns. Kids at this age will want to know things like if you are getting married and really practical matters like where your stuff will go. They may be very attatched to familiar objects in the house, so try to be sensitive to that. Be prepared for them not to like all of the changes that happen, but there will be pros and cons for everyone. There are two great books that I recommend to anyone in this situation, including The Enlightened Stepmother (which covers a lot about how to help his family adjust to your new role in their lives as well as the nitty gritty of how to avoid common pitfalls such as automatically taking over all of the domestic chores). You and your partner should also check out Difficult Questions Kids Ask about Divorce, since lots of questions are going to come up that you will feel confused about how to answer. Finally, some visits to a couples therapist can help you problem solve as well as clear up expectations for how you will parent together. I recommend going for therapy help before there are problems. You two will want to work as a untied front from the beginning.
Just go slow, keep lines of communication open, and anticpate that there will be 'bumps.'
Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
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