problems with getting my 5 year old to sleep

[kerry23976]

My 5 year old has had problems sleeping since being a baby. I breast fed her till she was 7 months and she got to stage where she would only sleep if i nursed her to sleep. I then had to nurse her whenever she woke during the night (which was often). The only time i recall full nights sleep hass been during times when she has been in our room (eg on holiday). Otherwise she wakes often in the night and i end up in her bed to get her to sleep.

More recently this has got worse. She says she is scared of the dark and doesn't want to be on her own. We have bedtime routine, soft toy for comfort, stories etc...but she is just unhappy when we leave her and cries for ages and takes ages to get to sleep...she then wakes in the night, only being comforted if one of us gets in her bed. Can anyone give me some advice and things to try with her....i'm getting desperate as i can't function with such little sleep. thanks kerry

[MamaJo2010]

A related discussion, Getting 5 year old to sleep was started.

[kerry23976]

thanks ever so much for your quick response....there are definatly some idea's to try in there...she does have fairy lights in her room and the door is always open to her room...we used sticker chart /rewards for this problem in the past and we saw some benefits...but then i think because she is bright and has a fantastic imagination she spooks herself sometimes and then we have to try and unpick her worries...i thought about getting some worry dolls...you know where she tells her worries to the dolls at night then they get put away.....We also state that we will go up to her twice (we have a clock in her room so she knows when the big hand is on.(whatever)...then we will go up.....and this helped to stop the shouting down for a while but she now gets distressed when its the last one...and she gets herself into such a state that i end up going up and soothe her and she falls asleep. We close our eye's together at beditme and i talk about happy thoughts and all the things she loves so she has happy dreams. I think that things got more problematic when we all went travelling for a few months as a family and during these three months she shared our room..we then moved to a new house and she hasn't really settled here at beditmes...i know then that its going to take a while to resolve...she's always been a cat napper even as a baby and she is always away by 6.30am whatever time she goes to bed.....but i accept that thats just her.....but we do need to get some sleep before then!!!.....i think if we can get the self soothing strategies then this may also help us in the night...as when she wakes she can't get herself back off to sleep without one of us laying with her....i think that when your tired and have to be up for work in the morning then you just give in easily.....i suppose it's trial and error and when trying a new tact when one doesn't work anymore!

thanks for your help

kerry

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
   it is not at all uncommon for bedtime routines to get out of hand. Since this took years to develop, it will not change overnight, but with patience and commitment you can make it better. Five year olds are commonly afraid of the dark, and if she needs a light on to help her sleep that is an easy concession. I would make sure to encourage her to think of the dark as a friendly time for sleeping, and don't feed fantasies about monsters etc. Let her know that monsters (or whatever boogie man she may be worried about) are just pretend, and because they are pretend, she can make them go away by thinking about something else (you may want to practice some positive thoughts, pleasant images, or a specific song). Some people have good success with 'sleep tickets'. The child gets 3 and can redeem them for a quick cuddle, drink or whatever, but the idea is that once the 3 are gone, the child is on her own. Some kids can handle this, some can not.

Your daughter needs to find ways to soothe herself to sleep with less and less support--thats the goal. Your job will be to decide with your spouse how you want to slowly withdraw your level of support. Work towards getting less and less time in her bed until you do not actually get in it, and then just sit beside it, and then just come near, then stand in the doorway saying soothing things. Make sure not to let her into your bed--once kids get in, it can become a huge struggle to get them sleeping independently again. You two deserve your sleep too!

It might be worth sitting down with her to do some problem solving. Wait for a time when you both feel calm and ready to listen, turn off the TV, and ask her what she thinks would help her feel ready to sleep at night. Make a list as she talks, and write down all ideas without comment. Then you can write down 1-2 ideas too (new princess nightlight?). Run through the list together and cross off things you cannot agree to (such as you sleeping with her). Identify a 1/2 hours worth of things you will do to get ready for bed. Post the list readily available in her room for bedtime. Even though she can't read, she will think about it. Remind her several times that you are going to do the new routine, and then implement the new routine that she helped create. (the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk has a great guide for joint problem solving).

        Before you begin the bedtime routine, practice some self-soothing techniques with her that she can use once you leave the room. I recommend deep belly breathing (in through the nose, out through the mouth), singing a sweet song to herself, tense and relax major muscle groups, or even reciting soothing little prayers if you are religious. Emphasize to her that she can calm herself down, and she can relax on her own. As she cries, you can help redirect her towards these modes of self-soothing. The goal is to help her use those self-soothing strategies without needing your physical presence.

       Your goal is to be empathic, supportive, and firm. I would not recommend just leaving her to cry alone--I know those approaches are popular, but this is a great opportunity to teach your daughter valuable skills that sobbing alone in a room certainly will not do. Instead, work towards teaching the new self-soothing behaviors, getting her to do them 'in the moment' and fading out your direct support.

Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik