Please don't think of yourself that way. Are you on any meds? Does your doctor know that you fear that you will harm your baby? If you are scared by the thought of harming your baby then you really do love it and want to protect it. You have to want to live. If you don't want to do it for yourself do it for your baby. Your baby loves you! To a child, mother is their world. Don't take that away. You are not evil or weak. Depression had taken a hold of you and is clouding your mind with these insecurities. Please please please don't harm yourself or your child. You have to get help. Is there anyone you can turn to like a family member, a church, a doctor or anyone? You have to beleive that you will get better. Pray. Just pray for strength to overcome this. Pray for your baby. There is someone that can help.
I have no experience of what you are going through but can only imagine that it must be painful. The first step to solving any problem is admitting to it and talking about it and I think you've overcome that, I trust and believe and I will pray that you get better but in the meantime please talk to someone close to you and try and see a professional, ask a close freind or family member to monitor you with your child or to look after your child while you seeking professional help. I know it will be difficult but it will keep your child safe. Remember your baby needs a mother and you were chose by the Almighty to mother that child so you DO deserve to live. God bless!
i see a phyciatrist once a month and my cpn once a week,they say to me you will not harm your baby you are more of a risk to yourself. and these thoughts are part of this illness.
i am on 300mg venlafaxine 10mg olanzapine 80mg lithium and have had electrick shock treatment.i have also just started drugs for my overactive thyroid.
i dont think i will harm the baby really but the thoughts are sooooo strong and strange.
i just cant help but call myself an evil person and a bad mum.
i realise people say that all this will go away and be a memory,but i somehow dont beleve this,how can it ,it doesnt seem poss
It doesn't sound as if the medications you are on are working as well as they should be. The Drs should be taking it very seriously that you are still having thoughts of wanting to harm your baby and/or yourself.
You are not evil and nor are you a bad mum. You have severe post-natal depression and an overactive thyroid and are going through a particularly horrid time of it at the moment.
It seems hard to believe that you will one day feel better, but trust me you will, it is the current depression that makes you believe it won't get better. Do you have additional support at home?
I am tempted to suggest maybe getting a second opinion for help with the depression side of things.
Definitely keep on talking, whether it be on here or to someone close to you, don't bottle up your feelings.
Thinking of you.
i cant beleve you will talk to someone who is having thoughts of harming her baby ?
but also thank youu for your kind messages it really helps.
i have just spoke to docter and he is not concerned about me harming the baby, he says they are just thoughts and i am not going to act on them,but it still scares me.my hubby is alwaysaround so i cant harm myself but i want to.
I know that everyone has said it and it feels like it is far from the truth but you will get through this. Things improve normally so slowly that you don't even notice the improvement at the time.
They are just thoughts, horrible thoughts but that is all they are, they will not harm you or your baby they just make it all so very uncomfortable.
I too ended up in a mother and baby psychiatric unit, my problem was that I was convinced that i was dying as I had so much somatic pain. I didn't believe anyone, I thought that I was right and everyone else was just going to let me die. Very slowly things did improve, and you will too. I am still not right yet but I am almost there but it has taken me nine months to get to where I am now.
I really think that you should perhaps push for therapy more than month per month. Where abouts do you live, I am in the UK and it is a fight to get anything done and these things tend to be spotted so late that the depression has really got a hold on you by the time the treatment is started.
You love your baby, you wouldn't care about the thoughts if you didn't. Your baby loves you too, and he/she will not remember any of this and will grow up loving you unconditionally. So do not feel guilty about any of this, it is not your fault and the baby will be none the wiser. Trust me on this please and try not to be so down on yourself. Feel free to message me if you want a chat.
I promise you that you will get there in the end, it is just a horrible journey but it will end and the sun will be shining when you do.
Take care hunny
I am suffering from a severe case of PPD. I have done a lot of research in the past few months with my struggle, so that I could be more educated of what I am going through. I was also hospitalized with my depression, I tried to commit suicide. I never had thoughts of harming my baby, but I did have a severe case of seperation anxiety, and couldn't even lay him in his crib without crying for hours.
I am being medicated with the anti-depressant Celexa and im taking 20mg, I still have a daily occurance of being down on myself.
You need to start seeing your doctor more than once a month. Also a lot of hospitals have group therapy session for PPD which are free of cost and they are held with several doctors, maybe look into something like that, I can even try and find a group for you if you can email me your city and state.
PPD can come on suddenly and feel like forever before you get any relief from it, everyone is different. Some people recover quickly and some take longer. I have had a life long history or depression, Bipolar, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder, it was bound to happen.
You need to get more help, possibly try new meds, or as bad as it sounds, admitt yourself back into a pshyciatric hospital. I know those places s u c k....but if you go there with an open mind, I can promise you will come out of there with a new lease on life.
Please, Please, Please take my advice on this.....Whenever you feel the urge or need to hurt your baby.....walk away. Go outside and take a breather, take a shower, or make a simple phone call.....do something to distract your mind from these thoughts, trust me it works. When you feel the need to hurt yourself...make a grocery list, clip coupons, or scrub some pots and pans....even if they aren't dirty.
You need to keep yourself as busy as possible, sitting around watching TV isn't going to help. You need to keep your brain active and focused on something else. Do some trivia or a crossword puzzle. Make your brain work the way it's supposed to.
Also, the best piece of advice I have EVER gotten from this forum, saved my marriage, my relationship with my other children, and it even saved my life. I can't remember who on this forum said this...but I want to pass it on to you, because it is a true life saver.
" Fake it "- Fake being happy, fake enjoying things that you really don't enjoy....For example. I stopped enjoying my other 2 children, I couldn't stand being around them, but I forced myself to play with them, I forced myself to laugh, and I forced myself to enjoy them.....and after forcing and faking it for so long.....I realized that I was actually honestly enjoying them, and I no longer had to fake it.
Take a deep breath sweetie, and know that your not guilty of anything, and you don't deserve to die, your not evil, and your not a bad person. Your a beautiful soul who is completely 100% normal, your not alone in this. Don't beat yourself up for what your going through, be patient, take your time, and remember that your not alone in everything that your going through.
If you ever need someone to talk to, someone to help distract you.....feel free to message me. I will be more than willing to help you through this.
I wish you well.
You should see another Doctor or get this doctor to try another treatment.
You do not have to feel like this.
keep writing to us, maybe we can help.
thank you all for your messages my phyciatrist says i am not a risk to my baby but more of a risk to myself,i still dont beleve him but there we go,i have had thoughts for 1 year now,he says if i was gonna do it i would have done it by now.
thanks again xx
What about talk therapy, you could talk through this?
Find out if there is more behind it?
I started seeing things right after my c-section. In the hospital, winged creatures that looked dead crashed through the window and shook my bed. I heard the glass breaking! I didn't tell a soul. By the time I got home, about a week into taking care of my daughter, she started crying and I went into her room. I took one look at her and saw a devil. Red, horned and she had a tail. Just like the red hot's logo. I'd taken hallucinigenics in the 70's, I knew I was tripping. I left her in her crib, called my mother and she came and got us. The doctor put me on zanex. To this day I can't imagine why people buy those drugs to get high, they made me feel normal. You really have to find an informed doctor kid. Don't take any ********.
remember this and make it as an affirmation to yourself...IT WILL GET BETTER .. it's just a hormonal imbalance after delivery and the things will go to its right place by time trust me.
I still have my postpartum PMS (comes in form of anxiety and nervousness) and even thought this feelings coems to me twice a month but everytime it come I feel down and like I will have nervous breakdown or depression or will never get better and I know that few days and will get OK but these are awful feelings which makes u don't believe that will go away one day! but it will...!
So you see? even my case is on and off... but when it's on..I do not belive that will be off again!!
Keep talking and the most important keep thinking that those freaky hormones will get their place again....
We all need affirmation and that's why we write here SO remember that will get better soon and just keep contact with your GP or psych.