I'm am just going to get my thoughts and how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking out there, because i need some help and I can't really go to my family with my thoughts on this and I can't go to my priest with this because my thoughts basically insult my religion, but I need to tell someone what's going on in my head as I can't stop thinking about it even though I don't believe half of what I'm thinking about. And just to warn you, this post will probably insult and disgust and p*ss off every religious person out there, but this is the prayer group and with my thoughts lately I really need some prayers to get my faith back, and if you feel the need to insult my thoughts or flat out tell me I'm a disgrace to my religion(Catholic), I'll understand because I think the thought are crazy myself, but I need to tell someone and get them out there so hopefully I can finally get them out of my freaking head! Ok here goes, and I'm sorry if this insults anyone, and please be nice..and try not to think less of me because I can't stand the thoughts i'm having myself.
So I'm more of a logical thinking person, meaning I like proof, I like the facts, so i guess I'm more scientific in thought than anything else? Anyways, I DO believe in God, I believe there is a higher power, I have faith in that, but some things have been gnawing at my more logical side lately, and (this is where it gets insulting), such as things about The Virgin Mary and baby Jesus(sorry for what i am about to say and that I have even thought it) But the logical side of me just cannot accept that Mary miraculously conceived Jesus through the Holy Spirit. The logical side of me keeps analyzing it and thinking of what the most logical assumption is of what really happened. first thought that keeps coming to my mind is that Mary was betrothed(engaged, whatever) to Joseph, about to be married to him when she conceived Jesus. So the most logical explanation is that Mary and Joseph rushed their wedding night and so baby Jesus was conceived. Now I'm not saying Jesus wasn't the messiah, But all I keep thinking is that I can't accept that the Holy Spirit miraculously impregnated Mary. It's just not logical, and I know that faith isn't logical, but my logical side just says perhaps Mary was already pregnant by Joseph, but God decided to incarnate himself into Mary already conceived baby? So that's one of my logical sides theories.
Ok this one is a little bit, ok a lot of bit worse than the first logical theory, so if the first one really really really offended you (and how could it not, again i'm sorry I just can't get these thoughts out of my head) i wouldn't advise reading this next thought of mine.
So the other completely logical thing my wonderful(sarcasm there) brain has been thinking is maybe the entire story of Mary having miraculously conceived Jesus is a lie. Perhaps Mary and Joseph did there thing and Mary realized she was pregnant and had a dream about Gabriel visiting her, or (this is really bad) had a psychotic episode where she really believed Gabriel had visited her, and then she convinced Joseph that she was giving birth to the Son of God, and he believed her and then her and Joseph told Jesus from birth that he was a Messiah and that he would save the religion and save everyone. And since it's a fact that if you tell someone something enough times they start to believe it, Jesus believed he was truly the messiah, a human incarnation of God. And he lived his life that way, and really became the messiah through his actions and good will to all people of all kinds. So even if he didn't start off being the incarnate of God, he became the true image of what and who we should be and then was accepted by God as a messenger for earth, later on in his life? i base this last thing(meaning God decided to choose him as his incarnate later in his life) on the bible. According to the bible, Jesus didn't start preaching until he was in his 30s or close to 30. If Mary did miraculously conceive him and he was always the incarnation of God, wouldn't he have starting his teaching of the faith at a younger age? As soon as he was bale? why wit until he was 30ish to get baptized and to baptize others? Why wait 30 years to start teaching the true word of God if he was God incarnate his entire life? That's why my logical side keeps thinking that maybe God chose him later in his life, as he was preaching a good message. In the bible the book of Mark states Jesus "saw the heavens parting and the Spirit descending upon Him like a dove. Then a voice came from heaven saying: 'You are My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased'".[Mk. 1:10–11].(and it only says Jesus saw this, it does not say anyone else saw this also, so my logical side messes with that too) This was after he was baptized, and it was only after he was baptized and started preaching that he began performing miracles, I believe(unless those miracles are all hearsay and fable) So perhaps, God chose him as a messiah later in life because he was a good man and a good role model for all of society?
So those are the thoughts that keep popping into my head. And i can't get them out they keep popping in there, as so you can see why I really need prayers(i've been praying myself trying to get these thoughts out of my head) as my faith is just completely whacked right now. And i've blasphemed in every way i think it's possible to, and I just can't help myself, where are these thoughts coming from? How is it I can firmly believe in God, and believe that Mary, Joseph and Jesus were real and really did help the world, but yet my mind keeps thinking these thoughts?
Hopefully God will understand my questions and pondering, as he made us humans the way we are, and gave me my questioning mind, so hopefully he can forgive my thoughts and questions as he made me.
So as you can see, I could really use some prayers to help me stop all this logical crap and get my faith in order. Or can you even suggest some scriptures that could help me? And i'm sorry if this offended you again, it also offends me and my faith, and I know this is horrible thinking but i can't get it out of my head and this is the only place I felt i could unload all these thoughts. i hope you won't think less of me for all this although I wouldn't blame you because I think less of myself for even thinking these things. and please be gentle with your comments, but if you can't be then i understand that too. Maybe i should just run to the nearest church and confess all this to a priest.