1199745 tn?1265323123

41 & deciding to call it quits or try again??

I lost my baby on Friday at 16 weeks, went to the doctor cause I had a dull ache in my lower back & found out the baby no longer had a heart beat.  This is my second, 2nd trimester loss. Last year I lost baby Aidan at 20 weeks.  My frustration is I have no answers!!!.  With Aidan's loss they were convinced it was a chromosomal abnormality I guess because of my age,but the tests came back normal.  I don't want to seem greedy because I have 3 healthy children but My DH only has our daughter & was looking forward to one more before closing the factory.  He is only 31 & I feel like I am robbing him the chance to have more children of his own, even though he swears he is content raising my other 2.  I also had the blood clotting panel tests done but tested negative but they still put me on a baby aspirin a day for this pregnancy.  Could the aspiring have harmed the baby if I really didn't need it??? I also have PCOS could that keep killing my babies????  so Lost & grieving!!!! Keep loosing the heart beats!!!!
14 Responses
Avatar universal
I am 41 years old and I just found out that I had a missed miscarriage on Tuesday when they did a routine ultrasound and didn't find a heartbeat so I know what your going through.  This also will be my 4 miscarriage but I'm not going to give up because this would have been my boyfriend first child and he's willing to try again but just hang in there.  I also have PCOS but I'm going to have a medical work-up before I try again.  I wish you good luck and don't give it will happen.
503649 tn?1304357466
I would just like to say...Don't give up on your dream, I know ever loss it hard and each one gets harder and harder.  I, myself had 5 miscarriages before I had Gavin last year.  I was 41 at delievery with him.  It was a very rough road but I was determined that I wasn't going to give up and that I was going to beat this and I certanilly did.  It was hard; very hard but I know how bad my husband wanted his own child.  Believe it or not, it will happen, only the Lord knows when it will happen.  Based on my experience...I'm so glad I didn't give up or I wouldn't have my little man today.  Follow your dream and your heart and I believe it will happen for you.

Good Luck and I hope things work out for both of you.
1199745 tn?1265323123
I know what you mean....... but I feel like I would be tempting fate!! You didn't have any with your husband.  We do, our baby Chloe born in 2007.  I think I would not give up if we had none together & they could give me answers to why I keep loosing these babies in the 2nd trimester.  At least I could do something to prevent it from happening again.  Did you ever find out why you had 5 miscarriages???  Did you do or take anything to be able to have Gavin???
503649 tn?1304357466
I had 4 out of my 5 miscarriages tested and they were all chromosomal abnormalities, so my RE told me that I was just not getting a good mature egg.  I was just having bad luck, besically the same as Amanda (Adgal) she also had 5 and she tells me to this day that I was an inspiration for her to keep going.  I only took one month of clomid and was put on progesterone supporties as soon as I got a BFP.

Well good luck to you and I really hope things work out for you.
1199745 tn?1265323123
See....I never had Chromosomal issues... the tests always come out normal.I loose the babies in my 2nd trimester.....no one can figure out why??? I don't have the blood clotting disorders....I wonder what further testing I could have to find the reason?? Any suggestions?? could my pcos be killing my babies?? too much insulin production?
377493 tn?1356502149
I am so sorry for your loss.  I experienced 5 unexplained losses before having my little man almost 2 weeks ago, and I can understand not only your pain, but the frustration of not having any answers.  Mine were first trimester, so not quite the same, but mine too were chalked up to age (I am now 41) and probably chromosonal abnormalities as well.  Testing was done on the tissue twice, and nothing turned up.  In talking to more then one Dr. and doing a lot of reading on my own, I came to find out that even with testing, they do not necessarily catch all chromosonal issues. Typically, they only test for the 3 most common which are Trisonomy 13, 18 & 21.  There are so many others, but they are not as common.  The overwhelming majority of first trimester miscarriage is due to an issue such as this.  Even though your loss's were not caught until 16 weeks, I wonder if they in fact did happen in first trimester and your body just hadn't realized it yet?  In any event, sometimes there are no real answers, and I know for me as well, that was the most difficult thing to accept.  

In any event, 6th time was the lucky one for me.  I also started taking fish oil, baby asprin in addition to my pre natals.  I will never know if that had anything to do with it or not, but my son is here and healthy.  

You do have options available.  There is more then one women on this forum who used donor eggs successfully and I know that is a route I thought of as well.  I can understand your fear in trying again, and only you can decide if it's what you want.  It certainly does not make you "greedy" to want another child.  Debbie (Prevatt) was an inspiration for me.  We were about the same age and she had gone down the same path I was on at the time.  When she gave birth to her beautiful son Gavin, I knew it could happen for me too and it did.  If it's truly what you want, don't give up.  Sometimes some of us have to take a more difficult path then others, but it can and does happen.  I wish you healing, and I wish you well.  
1199745 tn?1265323123
thank you so much for sharing!!!!  I was being monitored very closely I had a sonogram every week until I turned 12 weeks all 3 times.  The baby had a heart beat at my last appt which was at 15 weeks, everything was fine.  I have been taking a baby aspirin daily since I found out I was pregnant.  My prenatals contain the fish oil.......so I did everything preventative that I could!! My D&E's have been very hard on my body,this time I needed a transfusion due to the platelet damage from the aspirin.  They wouldn't do the procedure unless I accepted the transfusion.  This was my second D&E so I don't know how much damage it does to the uterus.
Has anyone out there had 2 D&E's & had more babies.  I would love nothing more than to try again......but I can't be selfish my other kids need me to stay healthy & alive!!!!!!
377493 tn?1356502149
Honey, one thing I can promise you is that you did nothing to cause this.  Nor could you have done anything to prevent it.  I think we all question our own actions and go over everything we ate, drank, supplements we took or didn't, etc.  It can drive you crazy, and honestly, the chances you miscarried due to something like that are almost zero.  Don't do that to yourself.

With two of my losses I had D&C's.  I had extreme bleeding prior to one, which is why they decided to do it, although I was fortunate and didn't need a blood transfusion.  These procedures have a very very low rate of complication and it is highly unlikely having them will prevent you from getting pregnant or carrying a full term baby.  

Consult with your Dr. on whether or not trying again is the right thing medically.  Self diagnosis can be a very dangerous thing, and talking this through with your Dr. may help you decide what is best for you.  I can tell you though, that so many women have been through this and gone on to have successful pregnancies.  Your not alone, and there are many of us here to help support you as best we can.  Take care.
1065941 tn?1265059099
I ache for you just reading this......I lost my baby girl three weeks ago at 22 weeks.....the pregnancy had been a hard one in the beginning but everything seemed to be going so well from week about week 11 on, so we were so excited about her coming arrival, and her early delivery has totally shocked us......while we grieve for her everyday still (and I know we will for some time).....we had all the tests done too and while they still say it was most likely a chromosome adnormality the tests all showed everything normal.....so we too are lefft with a lot of wuestions why and what if.....however deep down my dh and I both know and realize that there is absolutley nothing either of us could have done that would have hurt our little girl and caused this....call it nature, God's will or whatever it happened....
I am so sorry it happened to you.....please know I want to say I understand your questioning and fear, but I know i don't.....my fears about trying again and my questions are different and can never be the ssame as yours.....I too question trying again.....having two miscarriages (pre-term births) has torn away most of my hope and faith in ever becoming a mother (I have no other children, as I lost both pregnancies), but I want to believe it can happen to me, like it has for many women on this site.....
I have had D&C's with both miscarriages and have been told by the doctor that D&C's do not affect your ability to carry a child to full-term.....and i know several women who also had the procedure and have had multiple births of healthy children, so I have faith that having this done will not prohibit me from having a healthy baby in the future.....
Please know that while I feel like I am rambling that I care, and want you to know that I am here to talk if you need, and i so ache just thinking about what you've been through and i wish you the best of luck in your decision.....don't let the past discourage you from trying for another child if your heart desires....know that there is hope for all of us...and you have great supporters in this group.....some with sucess and others without, but we all feel for you.......
873190 tn?1304812975
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I know what it's like, I have had four m/c.  Although all first trimester, they are still hard.  I am 39 and no explanation/reason has been given.

We tested for eeeeeeveryyyythiiiing.

But I did want to make one mention-
In the initial "miscarriage panel" my RE did last March, he tested for Factor V Leiden which is a blood clotting disorder.  It came back normal.  Then, two m/c and six months later I asked him to do a  more detailed blood clotting disorder panel.  I didn't even know it was an option... I thought he'd already tested for blood clotting and I was covered.   I think one of the girls on this board may have mentioned it to me.  

Anyway, the panel tested for an additional 18 blood clotting disorders beyond what he tested for initially.  One of those came back abnormal.  I cannot remember what it is called, but he said it was mostly associated with second trimester m/c.  Although second trimester m/c hasn't been an issue for me (knock on wood) I thought I would mention this to you since you are having second trimester losses.  He plans to put me on Lovenox injections with the next positive to address this latest finding.

Perhaps you can ask your doctor to do additional blood clotting testing.    I just thought I'd throw it out there in case it helps.

Good luck with everything. Keep us posted.

Oh yeah, as far as your concern about giving up.... it truly is only a decision you and your DH can make.  It's a tough one.  You are blessed to already have children.  But I certainly understand the desire for more.  Best of luck to you :)
1565900 tn?1328789175
hi i hope you are ok. saw you were feeling sad. not fair is it life. when all we want is to be happy and make a baby. i am in simular positoin to you. im older than i was and with a guy i love. we want a baby but its taking time and im begining to lose hope, I am sorry to hear about your baby dying,. i had a miscarriage yrs back when i was twenty three, got pg again straight away and that baby was born with down syndrome. not sure if that is why i miscarried month before as i lmiscarried so early no tests were done. im mad and trying again for number four.first with hubby he is fifty three and im thirty seven. thing is i think if you look younger like we do you dont think about age and it suddenly strikes you. we will get there though,,, other people do, my mum and best mate got pg at forty two and it was a one off mistake out of the blue so there ya go...chin up. we are all in same boat xx
1105753 tn?1374287348
I, too, am so very sorry for your losses. I have no answers for you, I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. A loss like that takes alot out of you. We are all here for you. Take care.
1449758 tn?1292505600
Sorry for your losses = (

My opinion is that if you feel that, emotionally, you can handle the stress if you become pregnant again and/or possible future loss(es)... then continue to try!
Personally, I don't think your hubby will be disappointed if you decide to stop trying so I don't think you should do it just for him!

Good luck in whatever you do <3
1235159 tn?1323009319
I am so sorry for your losses. I am also 41 and have had 3 miscarriages in less than a year although mine were all 1st trimester. My hubby and I have 2 already but wanted more. We are still trying.....
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