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Pregnancy 35 and Older Community
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Avatar universal

Advice and encouragement

I am new here and wanted to share my story and ask some advice.  I am 47, for the last 15 years I have been looking after my father who suffered several strokes.  He died this past May.  I had a long time to deal with his passing and I am coping well with what happened.  I wanted to get married and have children like most women, but with things being what they were, I just never had a chance.  Now, I am free to start a new life, I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want, but all I can think of is how I missed out on being a mum.  I want to have a child very badly.  Perhaps because of the way things were, I never really let myself think about it because felt I would just fall apart if I started to think about children.  I know I will be an exceptional mother, I am highly intelligent, caring, have my own home and a loving extended family, okay, sperm is missing but I'll find some kind soul who will want to help me.  I want to really try to have a baby.

Anyway, that's the background, here is my physical obstacles.  I am some 40 kilos overweight, but it will be gone in four months, see the gym trainer tomorrow.  I have high blood pressure and slightly enlarged heart (normal range), but I've been told that both are because of the pressure I have put on my body from my weight and the one time I lost 15 kilos, the hbp dropped, I almost came of meds.  I am on hbp meds but I know that in four months with the weight gone, so will the meds be gone.  I also went on antidepressants after dad died because I became anxious and depressed.  I was quite lost for three months, after 15 years of dad being my life, I didn't know what to do or how to feel, it freaked me out, but I am fine now, so I think that I will be off those in the next three months.  I'm also seeing a great naturopath-doctor, my energy levels are up, I'm feeling strong and happy.

So, someone tell me, am I nuts to want to have a baby at 47?  I could be taking it easy, travel, go to classes, but I don't know those seem empty compared to being a mum.  I helped raise my sister's two children, I know what's involved and how hard it is, but I really think I am up to it and even if I wasn't 100% up for it, I don't think I am up for never being a mum and living a lonely life...lol, the local old crazy cat woman.

In August, I'm going to travel overseas, where I will go for IVF, and as far as anyone need know when I get back, I got strong genes and had a wild time...oops!  I can feel it in my bones, I am doing the right thing, but God, I'd love to hear someone say it, its a life changing experience, scared to death.
35 Responses
1552748 tn?1294215376
"Sorry" but You need to think about the child's life.
He/she will be a teenager and be caring for their mother instead of having the life other children his/her age have.
It is sad that You have not been able to have children before now however when Your child is 13 and just hitting their teenage life You will be 60,
Avatar universal
I have a younger sister, she got married, had children in her thirties, did it the right way, only her partner turned out over time to be an alcoholic and abusive.  She left him eventually, but what followed was a number of years of depression for her, she's fine and in a great relationship now.  Guess who raised the kids while my younger sister and her partner couldn't, yep, this oldie, infact, I raised her two children and supported my parents by myself.  I promise you, turning 50 and 60 does not mean the world has come to an end.  I don't feel any different than what I did when I was 30.  My family longevity pattern is that most of them have lived into their late 90s.  We are a strong bunch...farming stock.

I have sat in on dancing classes for my niece, soccer meets for my nephew and the worst parents were the younger ones.  They tended to be the vulgar ones, the bitchy women who would go out on the night getting drunk and acting like fools, clicky groups, bad marriages, etc, had a few divorcing couples take out their hatred towards each other while at their kids matches or screaming obsenities while on the football field.  I felt so embarrassed for them that I would stay away and then I noticed that there were a few older mothers and fathers who would do the same.  The second promise I make you is that youth is no guarrantee of wisdom or ability, I am now, in my old, ready to drop of age, lol can't help teasing you a little, what those young women can only hope to be one day.  Oddly, I don't have a lot of confidence in myself for a lot of things, but mothering is not one of them.
1552748 tn?1294215376
I do not believe "age" is a factor in parenting, in fact most grandparents do a better job at raising their grandchildren than some parents.
However My point is that I think as long as You have considered the impact on the child while he/she is older than either way it is going to come down to your decision.
As well as taking your own health into account and the health risks that come with being an older mum
Avatar universal
I have thought long and hard about the child's life which is why I am trying to get pregnant at such a late age and with little chances.  If I didn't care, I would have done what many other younger women do and that is, pop them out no matter what.  

Secondly, I don't intend nor do I expect to fall apart when I reach 60 or 70 for that matter.  Most women don't fall apart at that age, perhaps 80 and 90, but most women at those ages are fit and well, perhaps a little slower, but still going fine.  I think you have a very strange view of people's capability and physical strengths across age span.  If you agree that grandparents do a fine job at 60, that they haven't collapsed, then it seems faulty to then suggest that older mothers or fathers, will collapse and have to be looked after by their kids.  If however, I did collapse, I have extended family members who would take over, I would never put my child in that position.  Basically, I would ask you the same thing, if you collapsed while your kids were in their teens what would you do, because life holds no guarrantees for either of us.  Whatever you would do, I am probably going to be doing the same.

I've read some of your posts to other people, cause I wanted to see what type of person you are.  I get the feeling you have a very rigid view of the world and how things should be.  You have a tendency of writing your opinions as if they are facts.  I want to remind you that you are at a very tender age, with a lot of options in your life right now, when you get older and your options start running out and when you have lived a little more and have experienced loss and heartache many times over, then you can talk as if your opinion is fact, until then, it can come across to those of us who have been through it all as judgemental and callous.  Sometimes, compassion and understanding is more important than telling people how you think it ought to be, what is morally right in your opinion.  Think of it also as a lesson in mothering, cause nothing is going to separate you from your children faster than a mother who 'tells it how it is', instead of a compassionate mother.

Good luck with everything.
377493 tn?1356505749
Hi there!!  Sorry it took me so long to respond...I am typically here daily, but with the holidays and some other personal issues have been away for a bit.

First off, you are most certainly not crazy!!  When to have a baby is a very personal choice and there is certainly no wrong answer.  I am an older first time mom.  I had my son at 41.  I know other women on these boards who chose to have their children much older then I.  And btw, I fully intend to have another!  There are so many benefits.  I have far more patience then I did in my 20's.  I know wonderful mom's in their 20's so my point isn't that being older makes a better mom, just for me, I am.  As for the poster who claims you are not thinking about the babies' well being over time? Hog wash. If anything, having my son at an older age makes me far more health conscious.  Children are orphaned by parents at every age...things happen.  We do the best we can and raise them well, and at any age should be ensuring that there is someone who can step in if that unfortunate need arose.

Let's address health risks.  The only extra risk we incur is having a baby with chromonsal abnormality.  Not everyone considers that a scary risk.  And even to moms older, the odds are still well in our favor.

There are some realities to be aware of.  Unfortunately conceiving naturally at 47 is not overly common.  It certainly happens, but often women who have babies in mid to late 40's require a little extra help.  There is also a higher then average risk of first trimester miscarriage.  Many women opt to do IVF with donor eggs (I am currently beginning to explore this myself...my son was naturally conceived).  If you are truly serious, my best advice to you would be to seek the counsel of an RE.

Good luck to you!  You know, there are those who feel they have the right to be negative towards our choices no matter what the situation.  Bottom line...your body, your life and your choice.  If this is what you want, go for it!!!  
377493 tn?1356505749
Oh and btw...most of our regular members you will find to be very very supportive.  There are so many of us here who have had our share of ups and downs in our quest to have a baby. I myself have had some tough times, but received an incredible amount of support.  I honestly credit this board and the women here in keeping me positive and in helping me not give up. It wasn't easy, but I am so grateful.  I am about to celebrate my son's first birthday, and I couldn't have done it without these ladies.  So I hope you are not chased away by one posters negative reaction.  Stick around!!  Amanda
1554498 tn?1327903974
Adgal, very well put! No disrepect to ProudMumtoBe. However, when I read the reply I was a little offended. We have no right to be so critical to anyone here. We are all here for the same thing regardless to our age or anything else. AdamTA. I wish you all the blessings in the world in your quest I'm sure you will be a GREAT mother!
377493 tn?1356505749
Thank you.  You know, it is all about opinion, and certainly everyone is entitled to theirs.  I guess I just feel strongly that there is no real or wrong time to have a baby.  

When I was in my 20's i would not have been a good mom.  As i said, lot's are, I just would not have been.  I also did not meet the man I married until my mid 30's.  I wanted to make sure that the person I chose to have children with was the right person.  I just did not have the level of maturity required to make a decision like that or to be a patient and dedicated mom when I was young.  In the original posters comments, she states that she was caring for her sick parents.  So for her it also was not the right time until now.

I have seen children that were neglected and abused from mothers of every age.  I have also seen the flip side..children that were nurtured, loved and cherished from mothers of all age.  In my mind it is far more selfish to have a child you are not prepared for at any age.  There are always negatives to be found...but all we can do is the best we can do and love those babies.  There is no age limit on that.

This debate has come up in this forum before, and no doubt it will again.  Open and honest dialogue is important and part of what this forum is about.  However, its important that we keep it respectful, and to remember that unless we are walking in some one's shoes we can never truly know the whole big picture.  We have to make the choices best for us and most importantly best for those lives we are bringing into the world.
Avatar universal
Hi, off to the gym, ;- P... things we do!  But wanted to stop by and thank everyone for their kind support.  It really does look like a supportive site.  Glad to be here. ()()()
Avatar universal
OMG!  The specialist in Greece replied to my email.  He thinks he can help me and wants to know more about my situation!  I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  I keep telling myself I've got six months till the point of no return.  It's like I got two brains in my head at the moment, one part is going, don't do this, enjoy the peace and no responsibility, watch anything you want, no care in the world, no more having to take care of anyone, I'm just clucky, hormonal.  Then there is another brain that is going, omg, I'm going to be a mummy, I'm going to be a mummy.  And I know this is crazy, but I have had, for the longest time this intuition, a feeling that I am meant to have children...that's where my username comes from, Adam, Thomas and Anastasia are the names I have chosen for years now.  I don't intend on having triplets!, one will do, but those are the names I have picked out.

I must be crazy, maybe I am having some kind of hormonal thing, the body is getting close to its reproductive end and its throwing out, have babies messages.  EEEeeekkk!  Breath, breath, everything is okay. lol.
1473300 tn?1397592129
I just wanted to say good luck and wish you all the best. 47 is not too old to become a mother. We all have been young and thought we were so mature and new everything, but as we get older and wiser we look back and see how we weren't as smart as we thought we were. I think the wisdom we gain throught the years help make us better as parents, and I am saying this as someone who had a child at 19 and is now trying for #2 at age 37. I hope everything works out for you!!!
Avatar universal
Do you plan on using an egg donor? I am just wondering. At 47, I would think there's only a small chance of you being able to use your own eggs. Have you been to a reproductive endocrinologist and had blood work done, etc? What specialist in Greece are you going to? Just curious.

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