Advice needed on how to reduce stress with teen so I don't miscarry again ...

[megryan]

Sorry so long ... I need advice on reducing the stress level in my life right now---

My teen ss to be has runaway again- as not getting own way. He will be 17 in a few months- but has been determined by a court mediator to be too immature to decide where he wants to live. (Father has raised him for last 6 plus yrs- as mother unabe to control- and she moved 1000 miles away.) NOW she wants him back and so the court drama.

When teen runs away to ????- (as we have previously filed police reports) bio mother will call CYS and say she HEARD son got kicked out of the house ...b lallala... and she has no clue where he is ... but is actually with her ... well this is now happening again. CYS is calling- and I refuse to get involved as I am so worried about a miscarriage- again. I try VERY hard not to get involved as have had two previous miscarriages in a year from ExTREME stress- and am now in my second trimester.

Teen has gone thru my room/desk- letters- and stolen from me- and destroyed both my personal property- photos and business property. His mother- and her family- have stalked me and partner/his family and tried to break in my home. He has refused to get in the car for family vacations- when his gf wasn't able to go those days- and his father refused to go w/o him. Hence- my children are beginning to really not like him. Teen also lies about the weirdest things- like how our dog is not potty trained and pees and poops all over the house- etc. When confronted- he says he thought it was funny to tell him mom that. ?????

Well- this time- mother came and picked him up - so we know he is with her. So we did not call Police. Also neighbors said that she dropped him off (as she doesn't want to be seen driviing him- as DL suspended- as is her husbands- DUIS- eluding- etc.) and saw him trying to get into our house the other day.  Again- I don;t want to get involved or I would be calling police/CYS myself. I feel as though partner sould handle this. BUt- he is completely stressed- has paid out for a lawyer- taken off countless days for court- and I think after dealing with this for 1.5 yrs- he is just at the point of please go on live with your mother. If that makes sense. (We definitely don;t want him in the house- as the previous mentioned stealing/destroy property- which IS in the missing child reportCYS report previously.)

And NO teen doesn't even know about the baby- as we wanted to tell everyone this past holiday- til all this went down- now we are thinking Christmas. We just want a drama-less life.

Is there any way for me to really stay out of it? What should I / should not be doing at this point? All my family lives out of state- so I can't stay w/ them temporarily- and this happens with teen every 4-6 months- so I'd be going back and forth. Oy- help???

[melimeli]

well I know it is easier to make the boy out to be the bad guy but saying that mom and dad were never together doesn't change the fact that they put their sex lives before him...  That he never remembers having parents that were a unit is even sadder.. I mean he doesn't even know what it is like to have an intact family.  I am sure you don't see your partner raising kids that aren't his but I wasn't talking about Your point of view.  It benefits you to have him raise your kids but the boy doesn't benefit from it at all... all he sees is his dad spending time, money and energy that could go towards him on kids that ARE not his...  He got to visit his dad while other kids got to live with him... I mean he is a child.  He is a little older now but it all started when he was a young child.  He does not know how to handle all the emotions that the adults around him created think back to when you were 17 what would you have felt to have your parents not want you but seem to love kids that weren't even theirs?  That you don't feel sorry for him is just sad.. I mean he is a stranger to me and I feel sorry for him.  That you say he doesn't want to live by rules or consequences well his parents sure didn't live by rules.. that you say he just wants to do things his way.. well his parents sure did that too.. they didn't want to do the right thing by him and raise him as a family, they thought more about their own happiness than what was right to do by their boy.  That you say he thinks the grass is greener.. well thats what his parents did when they split up.  you say he doesn't want to live the right way well who taught him to?  The right way you mean in a two parent home with parents that love you unconditionally?  That right way?  or the way where you go back and forth from one parent's home to the other depending on who their sleeping with, have relatives that "haven't really been a part of your life" because if the adults in his life would have made different choices "like being in a committed married relationship before having a child" than he would have turned out differently.. but I guess your "partner" still hasn't learned that lesson...

[megryan]

Teens parents were never married- havent been together in 15 plus yrs- and teen never remebers them together. I dont feel sorry for him. He doesnt want to live the "right way" but his way. He can't come back here after the incident with the 12 yr old and 13 yr old sister too- as he is afraid the father is going to kill him. I don't want to get into it- but very inappr. and has nothing to do with me/my kids. As far as his dad raisng kids that arent his- we just dont think that way. I have known his dad for 22 yrs- and we see them as our kids. Yes- teen does not want to be here- as doesnt want to live by rules/consequences- only his way. I definitely dont want him to come back here and be around my dd after the above inapp. incident.

Teen got most of the attention in the household ... but he thinks the grass is greener- wants to run to other parent ... so he is staying with relatives for now. They havent really been a part of his life til recently- so I am sure things will go better- as long as he is getting his way- plus this keeps him away from the neighbors ...

[PamelaBee]

melimeli is so right...I would NEVER give up on my child.  They act out and get in trouble because something is missing....ATTENTION from a parent.  It all starts at home.  What they see and hear in the home is forever lodged in their mind, molding what kind of adult they'll become in the real world.  Anyway...it sounds as though it's past the point of resolve right now, so like Tricia said, maybe let him get arrested and see what being rebellious is all about...it might just scare him straight!  Good luck!

[melimeli]

sorry to not be on your side but I just feel so sorry for this kid.. he has 2 parents that don't want him.  He didn't cause his parents to split up.  parents split up cause they aren't happy but no one thinks about the kids happiness.. then this poor kid gets to see HIS dad raise a bunch of kids that aren't even his and start a new family where he is even less wanted... He has noooo power so what does he do???  Well he gets power by causing chaos in your lives... Well I would too.  poor kid all this has happened to him and he got no choice in the matter.. all the adults in his life were more concerned with their sex lives than his well being and this is the kid they were supposed to die protecting from pain when he was born.. it just seems so sad to me.  I know I wouldn't dump my kid no matter what he/she did.  I would be there fighting for him until my last possible breath... but I guess when parents are all caught up with new partners and more concerned with their happiness than a child screaming out for help well what can you expect the boy do than to elevate things?  

[megryan]

My kids don't really know much that goes on ... just that the teen is staying at his relatives over the holidays- he misses them- etc.

The teen can definitely not come back in the home with me and my kids here- especially after whatever happened with he and the 12 yr old neighbor. (I try so hard to stay out of things- but I know the parents will not call the police- drug addicts themselves- so hopefully telling the CPS working WILL do something.) And yes, once my ex finds out about that - he will file a motion to keep this teen away from my daughter- which I am actually tempted to do myself- but I know the teen will not be back.

Oh- teen didnt act like this for first year- it was not until the mother came back in the picture "wanting" him back that all the drama started. Thats when teen started to play his games- if I am in trouble- or dont get what i want- I will leave and just go w/my mom- who encourages it- and allows it. As teen does not want to hear that stealing-lying- and contact with a 12 yr old is inappropriate. I used to believe teen was just troubled- caught in a bad situation- but since he is very manipulative- I believe he is just plain evil. I guess that sounds harsh-

My hubby to be DOES try very hard to keep me out of everything- to his credit. I overheard him telling the CPS worker on the phone that I am pregnant and we are trying very hard have a peaceful pregnancy becuase of the past miscarriages due to the extreme stress. (Not sure what was asked here?- but I have met this same worker before.)

Anyhow- MOST of our stress/problems/drama in our life is always centered around the teen. So I just want to concentrate on my kids/baby and having a happy life. It does make me sad that teen acn not be part of that- as he doesn't want to live by any rules/structure- as the other parent is not supportive of that. But life does go on- and teen will either realize it- or is going to end up in prison- IMO.

Thanks for all the input.help.

[melimeli]

sounds like a weird situation for you to choose to put the kids you already had in.. I bet you would be pissed if your kids dad put your kids into the same kind of situation with a new girlfriend of his... hmmmm

I would leave and create a nice environment for all your children to live in.. they are your first responsibility not your love life

[megryan]

hubby 2 b talked with CPS guy- apparently theyre telling them kid needs his stuff- ahs nothing-

ANyhow- did overhear- that the orig arguement was over inapp contact with neigh who is 12!!!!!!! Great since my kid splay with them-

[rubyinparadise]

Wow, the kid is totally out of control. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I can relate to the concerns about how stress might affect your pregnancy. I've had some major issues come up during this trimester too, and all I can do is just try to cope from one day to the next. I have a meditation tape that I use (though not often enough!), and I'm using some homeopathic stress remedies (since I'm afraid to take any kind of medications). Even just deep breathing throughout the day seems to really help.

Unfortunately, a doctor might just prescribe meds. A good doc might suggest some similar holistic remedies. But ultimately, it's up to you to choose what remedies might help you.

What I'm learning is that things probably are NOT going to calm down and be all peaceful and beautiful for me during my pregnancy. So now it's just a matter of where I choose to put my focus. I deal with the messes as much as I can tolerate each day and then I tell myself "That's it, I've done enough for one day, I'm not going to deal with this again until tomorrow."

Well, I dunno how helpful any of this is, but I truly do empathize. I hope you find some solutions soon. Assume the situation is not going to improve-- if you wait for the situation to calm down before YOU can calm down, the stress will just escalate.

[megryan]

Tricia,

Thanks for the response. I did NOT go to the police the last time because my husband to be begged me not to. (I told him I felt this was the wrong decision- and he is allowing the behviour- which he said was directed at HIM- as I have done everything for his teen I possibly could- but not after all the stealing- which he screamed at me NOw belonged to him. Never an apology- never got my things back.)

I really feel teen needs to be in a household OTHER tahn his parents and I feel if he continues may end up in foster care. Husband 2 b NOW does not want him BACK in the house- even for visits- as he is worried about the stealing and the other children/baby.

I know CYS will want to come back here- do another home "inspection" talk with us- etc. This is very stressful and I KNOW my BP is already UP- plus  I have a few medical proceedures to do next week and need to take it easy- one being an amnio.

I have not been sleeping well- am waking up at 3 am and am unable to go back to sleep- having nightmares. I guess I will have to tell my DOCTOR that EXTREME stress is coming into play again- and maybe he can help? I just donno??

[SoCalTricia]

Sounds like he's completely out of control. Has your husband considered a placement for out of control teens? They are a bit expensive - but sometimes worth it. And, if the kid is steeling from you, I would definately report it. If you could get him arrested and on probation, you will have some "leverage" to get him to comply with rules. Plus, if he violated probation, he will be put in a placement. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for you...I know how hard teens can be, but it sounds to me like he is beyond normal teenage rebellion. There's some serious behavioral issues there.

As for your stress...perhaps counseling for you, just to learn ways to deal with it all? Also, maybe meditation?

Tricia