Coping after a D&C

[jill03]

Someone please shed some light. Just had my d/c for a "missed miscarriage" a few days ago. Still can't believe this all really happened. Without any physical signs this came as a total shock that we lost our baby. I'm so sad during the day and cannot sleep at night. When will I get back to normal?

[RunningL8]

Hi Jill, I hope you are feeling better.  I just saw your question here about progesterone.  Progesterone helps the uterine lining build up so that implantation and also sustaining a pregnancy are easier.  Older women (not sure what REs consider older) apparently have a hard time producing enough progesterone in early pregnancy.  My RE gave me a prescription for progesterone suppositories to be used for 12 days each menstrual cycle starting 72 hours after I get a positive ovulation test.  So if you ovulate on a Monday, you would try to conceive Monday and Tuesday, then start the progesterone on Thursday, and then take a pregnancy test after 12 days on the progesterone.  If negative, you stop the progesterone, or it will throw off your next cycle.  The progesterone apparently worked for me, as I got pregnant the second cycle I tried the progesterone following my D&C.  Unfortunately, it does nothing for eggs with abnormalities, which is likely why I miscarried again....

[Renogirl]

jill - you have to accept the fact that this isn't a failure and it isn't anything that you did or didn't do - we had NEVER been able to get pregnant and then our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage - talk about feelings of failure - again, it isn't anything that either of us did or didn't do - in my case, it was chromosomes that failed to separate like they were supposed to - as simple as a bad egg or a bad sperm, nothing else - we did move on and moving on and focusing on that helps you heal - we are currently 22 wks into our pregnancy - if all goes well, our first child - a girl - will be here at the end of February - focus on being healthy and one day you'll wake up and things will be better

[Zoe2B]

To answer your question, how could it be fine one day, and not the next... We felt the exact same way! It all depends on what the actual cause was. Most mc's are from chromosomal abnormalities. The baby wasn't going to be compatible with life because of a problem with the chromosomes. Mine was from having 2 extra chromosomes in the 14th position... amazing how specific they can get. All I know is that around the 8th week, the development gets much more specific and complicated, and if the chromosomes aren't as they should be, it's like the blueprint isn't able to continue. So it's at that point, when the heart stops... when life stops... because it wasn't compatible with life at that point. It's so hard for us mothers-to-be, because we enjoyed that specific life growing inside of us up until that point, and had no signs of anything being wrong. And same goes for the fathers-to-be who are feeling the same deep loss. It helps me to know how common mc's are, and that there was nothing I could have done (or the doctors) about it, and I didn't cause it either. It was in gods hands, and it just wasn't meant to be born - on earth anyway. As far as you not having the testing done therefore you don't know if it's a boy or girl.... I didn't even realize that was one of the tests they do. I just wanted to know the cause of the mc. My hubby and I decided that we did NOT want to know the sex. We had already mourned (and still are of course) the loss of our baby. We just didin't see knowing the sex bringing us anything excpet more pain, by putting a 'face' on the baby. But many people do find out, and that must help them to know. In your case, it's too late, so remember, no matter what the sex was, your loss is the same. It's the same baby no matter what.
Yes, we are going to try again. We've just decided to go ahead with IVF. We're going to borrow money, sell things, and somehow scrap it together. It seems to be my best chance at a healthy pregnancy because of my age. I'll up my odds a bit, if I end up with more than one embryo to implant.
Hang in there!
Wendy

[jill03]

I now wish we had samples sent for testing as I will always wonder was our baby a boy or girl.  Everyone has been so kind to me and that's what is pulling me through this. My struggle now is getting over the feeling of failure. I had babies so easy before and now I feel my body has failed. I'm going to work on this, so I don't get consumed with such negative feelings. Are you trying again?

[jill03]

I cried too for 3 days following my D&C. It's been a week and although I'm suffering insomnia I feel much better. When we learned our baby had died it was unreal and unbelievable. How could it have been fine and then one day it's over? The D&C confused me because as I sat at home I realized that alive or not, but body no longer held a baby inside. So sad.......my tummy was already popping out as this would have been my 4th child. What are your thoughts on trying again in the future? It's scary to think about now, but I want a baby so bad with my husband. All of you woman have helped me emotionally a great deal! Thanks to you all! Good luck to you and I'm so thankful we are all here together!

[jill03]

How awful that you are going through this again. I can't imagine repeating this although I know many woman are and do. I wish for the both of us that the insomnia gets better. Today is a week since my D&C and my body is not feeling pregnant anymore. Since you didn't have a D&C I think it might take a little longer for you. That seems like it's worse to deal with, sorry. No matter what your age........if you're getting pregnant on your own that's a plus! I hope that after our post op appt. at the end of Nov. we'll get the go ahead to try again. I have questions about progesterone. If you or anyone else reading this know's when it's used, what it does exactly please get back to me. Is there proof that stress is a great miscarriage factor?

[Renogirl]

We had a missed miscarriage in April of this year - our son was eight weeks into the pregnancy.  We were able to have samples sent off for testing and getting results as to a WHY helped tremendously.  I had to learn that losing a baby in utero is a legitimate loss no matter what anyone thinks.  There is no grave to visit, no flowers were sent, no sympathy cards full of kindness - but in my mother's heart my very real baby was gone.  I may have never held him on this earth, but I know that God and my grandmother are holding him and caring for him and loving him until I get to see him someday.  If you are having trouble dealing with the loss, I would ask your doctor to recommend a therapist so you can just talk.  I was so fortunate in a way that I have a sister whose third daughter only lived one week after birth.  Nobody could understand the hurt and the pain first of all like a sister and secondly like a sister who has lost her own child.  Focus on moving forward and seek out whatever help you need to accomplish that.  We'll be here for you anyway we can!  

[shesherm]

Jill I'm very sorry about your loss.  I had the smae thing...no signs that really makes it hard.  Hang in there it does get better with time.  We are here for you

[nutopia]

I had a missed miscarriage last week - sometime after 12 weeks .. had heartbeat / ultrasound and even felt movement on the 12 week visit ... and then the world came crashing down at the 15+ week visit - with no warnings whatsoever ... am still looking for answers ... I think all of take some comfort in knowing that we are not alone ... the question "why me" could engulf our whole existance otherwise ... We are awaiting genetic test results ... maybe we'll have an answer then .. maybe not ... but what has helped me cope is the feeling that everything happens for a reason - maybe the quality of life for my baby wouldn't have been desirable .. maybe nature made the decision that I could never have been able to make even if I knew something was wrong ... and always remember to count your blessings ... we might feel that this is the worst .. but there is much worse tragedies happening to people everyday ...

[Zoe2B]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I also just lost my baby (at 8+weeks) after 2 excellant u/s, with good heartbeats. So it came as a total shock at 8 weeks when the heartbeat wasn't there any longer. I also felt worse (emotionally) after the D&C. I cried nonstop for 3+ days. It was bizarre. It was like my body was crying, and my spirit all at the same time. It did get better. It's been 2 weeks now, and I feel a lot stronger. Still have times of sadness, but so much better than before. You went through a lot, physically, and emotionally. Hang in there, you will feel better in time. Know that you are not alone. Not only do you have your own family and friends who care about you, but you now have a bunch of total strangers on this forum pulling for you. :o) I'm so glad to hear that you and your hubby are closer than ever right now.That will help too! All the best to you both,
Wendy

[chiromom]

I sent you a response to the message you sent me.  Don't worry about not being able to sleep.  That is the hormones.  I had terrible night sweats for over a week after my first MC.  I know that shock to feel you aren't pregnant anymore.  One day it's there.  The next day it's not.  Life isn't fair.

[RunningL8]

I didn't mention in my last note that I'm currently going through a second miscarriage (this one was earlier, so no D&C).  And I'm having insomnia also, which is why I was awake typing on this website in the middle of the night!  I think it's hormonal.  I had my hcg checked yesterday, and it is still about 300, and the miscarriage started 10 days ago.  I also feel exhausted all the time, which is probably in part from not sleeping, but partly also from the hormone shifts.  I didn't mention my second miscarriage because it doesn't sound too hopeful, but I'm really, really old  to be trying to have a baby (46), so the miscarriage rate at my age is 80%.  I feel grateful that at least I seem to be able to conceive (we conceived the second cycle after trying again), so we're hoping one of my eggs is still good!  At 40, you have much better odds, of course.  Just give your hormones time to get back to normal, and I'll bet you'll be able to sleep again.

[jill03]

This is definitely hard to process and take in. I was told at 10 weeks I probably wouldn't m/c completely on my own, so I decided on the d/c. That was so hard because I truely still felt pregnant. I never had cramps or bleeding until after the procedure. I had two u/s that assured me and my husband that we had in fact lost our baby. Sorry to hear you lost your baby also! Are you trying again at this point? Physically I've recovered quickly from my d/c on the 19th. The loss I feel during the day and the reality that "I'm not pregnant anymore" is hard on my heart. If I could rest and sleep I would feel so much better. Being up at almost 3am is not my norm. My husband and I are planning on taking a fews days away from home to spend time together without other concerns. I'm so thankful that this awful loss hasn't interferred with our relationship. We are actually closer than ever! I believe we'll get through this.........it'll just take some time. I'm hoping in the future that we will have a child together. Health wise I'm up to date with all tests, so the waiting will be just for my body to return to normal. Thanks for the good advice! Now wish me sleep. I continue to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I still have no idea how I found this sight, but it was the day of our first u/s.

[40smama]

I feel so bad for you as I've gone through this twice.  I think that you should mention your symptoms to your ob/gyn.  I don't know how you feel about counseling;  I chose to do this after my 2nd one and it literally saved my sanity.  Again, I'm so sorry - I will pray for you.

[RunningL8]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I had a missed miscarriage in June at 9 and 1/2 weeks, so I know what I painful shock it can be.  Everything had gone so well up to the point of my second ultrasound (i.e., we'd previously seen the heartbeat and my hormone levels were good), and I'd gotten pregnant against all odds.  Afterwards, the D&C was a bigger deal than I'd been led to believe, and it took me two weeks to recover physically from that.  Plus, my hormones seemed really "off" (probably the dropping hcg), which made me even more emotional.   One thing that helped my husband and me was that we went on a two-week car trip to visit various relativies.  The change of scenery really helped us take our mind off the miscarriage.  (Of course, it was during the summer, so it was easier to take time off.)  We also spent a lot of time outdoor biking and playing tennis, both things we love to do.  So my advice is:  whatever it is you love to do, do that a lot, and don't put a lot of extra demands on yourself.  Also, you will find that many women have had miscarriages and know the pain you're going through, so reach out to others for support.  (I ended up bonding with women I barely knew once they heard I'd had a miscarriage.)  Also, you need to take a couple of cycles off from trying to conceive again after a D&C, so it's a good time to get yourself in really good shape physically (and do those medical things that are easy to put off, like mammograms) so that you're ready to try again when the time comes.  A miscarriage is a huge loss, yet as with other types of grief, time really does help.  After about 6 weeks or so, I found it was much easier to look foward with hope.