I've been practicing thru my third pregnancy and all is fine per my tests and 20 week ultrasound. Bikram is not like having a fever from sickness and not like a hot tub. You can take your temperature with a digital thermometer during your practice and observe. Drink lots of water, and as all yogis should do - listen to your body.
Moonflower important very sorry for your lose. I've been there its very hard. Hope things are now easier and getting better for u
Jtygogi in think your comment was ignorant.... My babies safety is MORE IMPORTANT than ANY exercise... I'm on baby number five always heard hot tubs saunas ANY FORM. Of excess heat soaking in CAN CAUSE issues it can essentially fry ur babies brain. Sorry but that is ignorance not someone's comments on. A form of excersice yeas its good for you but NOT THAT BABY that can't get away from that EXTREME HEAT!!!
I know this is quite late. I think I am in your same boat with Bikram and wondering what to do, I am 50. But I wanted to comment on your marriage. You need to heal from within, only then can the relationship heal. There is a wonderful place called the Fertile Soul, a retreat that I went on (and book) which really helped me when I was in the midst of so many miscarriages. I would also recommend juicing and getting your greens in every day to heal your body. When you can heal yourself, all the other things will heal as well. What your man wants more than anything else is for you to be happy. Blessings, miscarriage is such a sad time, but it only has to be a part of your story, not the whole of it.
I wish you would write in and let us know how are you are doing.
So I am.going to keep it short. You have enough novels to read. Great explanation given to me to minimize bath and Jacuzzi trips is this.....you can sweat to regulate your temp, your baby can't. That's why you need to keep your body temp down. Good luck.
I, too, was researching whether or not it is safe for me to continue practicing Bikram yoga while TTC & during pregnancy. I know it has been years since this thread was started, but I do hope that things have turned out well for you. I have experienced two miscarriages myself in the past year and do not have any children. They were devastating to say the least. I have made some big changes in my life, including taking up Bikram yoga, in hopes of getting my mind and body to a healthier place. I honestly haven't felt this good in a long time (possibly ever!) and feel that the benefits of my workout outweigh the risks. That being said, I plan on practicing yoga until my husband and I find out we are pregnant again. I will "listen" very closely to what my body is telling me and continue to practice until (and if) my body needs a break. Wishing all of you the very best in your own personal journeys.
Moonflower, I know it's been a while since this happened to you. But I am just now reading about your struggles, and I wanted to tell you my heart is breaking for you. I badly want to give you a big hug right now. I hope things are better. I wish you love and happiness and success with children and your marriage.
wow. i came to this this thread trying to figure out if i should practice bikram yoga while trying to conceive, but i got something that i would argue is more valuable. thank you ALL for sharing your most personal and painful stories. this thread is old, but i hope all is well with each of you and that peace and joy continue to be present in all your lives.
Wow. Where to begin...I never imagined clicking this link would lead me to someone [many people] sharing such personal and heartfelt stories; I feel compelled to add my own, in case someone can take comfort in it.
I came across this post just now as I purchased a hot yoga package recently and it expires within 60days, but I am also planning a trip in order to meet my intended 'baby-daddy' in Florida in about 3 weeks. I had to Google the acronym "TTC" - no one on this thread explained it stood for 'trying to conceive"...
Some history: I am almost 44years old (in 2 weeks), and for the last 5-6+ yrs or so, my ever-present thought on a daily basis has been about becoming a mother. I was in a rocky relationship for most of this time with a much younger man who wasn't sure he ever wanted children. A trying time at best, if you can imagine. My unhappiness peaked a little over 3yrs ago before I was diagnosed by my naturopath with depression brought on by my nutritional imbalances...I had recently lost 20 lbs and looked great, but my cholesterol was too LOW [governing autonomic brain functioning and mood elevation], and (presumably due to living in Seattle) my Vitamin D, which governs happiness/mood in general, was through the floor - 18 on a scale of 30 [dangerously low]-100 [optimal]. I couldn't attend baby showers in the conference room at work; to excuse myself with a gift and my apologies, I made up project deadlines that didn't exist so I didn't have to hear that "Awwww" sound women make in unison when looking at baby clothes. I constantly would spontaneously burst into tears, for instance on the bus, sometimes for no reason, but ALWAYS from seeing something like a little girl on her mother's lap. It was brutal. I grieved every moment for the thing that I didn't have and wanted most. You have nothing to apologize for; your step-cousin-in-law-whatever-the-hell-she-is IS A *****. Self-absorbed doesn't begin to describe it, and by the sounds of it, she has the emotional intelligence of a golf ball.
My naturopath helped me manage my depression (which is now at bay), with 5-htp (an amino acid derived from tryptophan, acting as a naturally occurring seratonin reuptake inhibitor), by upping my omegas and vitamin D dramatically, and by getting a broad spectrum sweep of my diet and nutritional needs. I suggest something similar for you. She was very in tune, step by step, about which of these pathways was all-natural and safe for me during the process of [intended] conception and through any pregnancy I might achieve. Your depression, when last you wrote, sounded uncontrolled. I hope you have gotten help, and if by chance you are in the same boat still, or worse, please see someone NOW.
You and your husband need to address your issues in counseling; they are totally normal. After several break-ups/reconciliations, my partner and I conceded that we did not belong together but he had matured enough to the point where he agreed to help me do the one thing I wanted more than anything else, have a baby. We tried many times; it was strained, sometimes clinical and unromantic, sometimes we tried during conception trips we arranged as he had moved 2 states away...we tried everything. We even fought bitterly through the emotional strain, occasionally. The brilliance of the woman on this thread talking about the laws of attraction cannot be overstated; it seemed like he would always pick a fight with me out of nowhere EXACTLY when I was about to ovulate - LIKE CLOCKWORK. Every fiber in his being was keyed to whatever pheromones I released at that moment to remind him of how conflicted he was about the whole thing and he reacted to it; I am sure of it because it never failed -EVERY SINGLE TIME...and we manifested just that. After almost 2 years, he finally agreed to a sperm analysis. My naturopath had given me the '5 by 5', all systems go, as my depression was resolved and I no longer need anything but pre-natal vitamins on a daily basis. HIS tests, however, showed a condition called 'Leukocytospermia' which meant that white blood cells were found in his sperm and attacking/killing them. Even after a panel of treatment for it, still no conception. Heaven knows, we TRIED. All told, it was a nightmare of sorrow and disappointment, over and over. I feel you; TRUST ME, I do.
We've been apart for over 7 months now, and he is happy in a relationship with someone who has 2 children of her own; he describes that as 'intense'. But just days ago, he described something to me which I found brilliant and dead-on, more about the 'laws of attraction'. Summarized, he told me he believed that on a moment-to-moment basis, you create what you align yourself with, completely. Every atom is in a state of flux every millisecond, and what that becomes is resulting from your CHOICE. In other words, if you choose sorrow, grief, disappointment, THAT IS what you will create. If you choose fertility, happiness, nurturing, motherhood, THAT IS what you will create. Trying to figure out just HOW that will happen is what derails us, and DOUBT is what kills it from its core. Very Buddhistic; I already knew that, but needed to be reminded.
Next month, I board a plane to see my best friend in the world, someone I have known almost 30 years, who has 3 grown children of his own, is divorced, and now living a gay lifestyle - no drama or messy emotional issues. He introduced me to Buddhism 26 years ago [I chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo], and it has been the single most driving and impactful undertaking of my life. He recently left me a voice msg saying, "I'm really excited for you to come out and for us to do what we're trying to do. It's going to happen the way it's just going to happen; all we need to do is 'show up'..." In my 26years of Buddhism, the 2 things I know from the depths of my life are that 1) No matter how confusing/devastating/inconceivable, whatever, EVERYTHING is unfolding precisely as it is meant to, and 2) there IS NO right/wrong. There is only WHAT IS, and the opportunity for you to create value from what you learn from it. This journey has taken me to places in myself I never thought I'd have occasion to visit. I'm grateful for every painstaking moment of it.
I, too, have the nagging daily fear that 'my time is running/has run out', but that is a myth, as long as you are still having a normal period and presumably releasing eggs. One of my best friends is 45 and her 'female' problems are off the charts; she's had 21-day cycles and periods that sometimes last for weeks, pre-cancerous pap smears, breast cysts, fibroids & uterine tumors, a whole HOST of other serious medical issues, etc. Another dear friend has a daughter who this week graduates high school. BOTH have, in the past few weeks, gotten pregnant BY ACCIDENT. [Everyone but me, huh?] The very first love of my life and still dear, dear friend is a brilliant surgeon and head of the research dept. at a hospital in NYC where he must travel around the world at times, lecturing. He has reassured me many times that the trend of women who wait longer to have children is growing and does not affect the health or viability of pregnancies significantly at all. Sure, conception might take a bit more directed 'effort', but where you got the nonsensical impression that you had "9 more tries" frightens and astounds me. I hope that a medical professional didn't say something so ridiculous or irresponsible to you; btwn that and the "hot yoga = fetal damage" advice you got from that one crackpot, I am afraid you are receiving very poor medical intervention/counsel. =/
I hope that you, or others, take something from what I've said that can elevate you in a time of need or doubt. If you never visit this forum again, please know that you have touched many people, and I, for one, will always wonder how you are doing and how your story turned out.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
I have just read the whole of the thread and I must apologize for my previous post - I wasn't aware about your loss when I wrote my quick reply. I hope you are in a better place now.
With warmest wishes, Ellie
Hi Tara, I loved your post. I agree with you and wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing. Ellie
Hi, I practiced Bikram yoga throughout my 1st pregnancy (until week 20) and now have a beautiful and very healthy 3-year old. He was an early walker (11months) and early talker. So, in my case, Bikram was ctua lily beneficial as I was very fit and relaxed during my pregnancy n labour. I took up pregnancy yoga at 20 weeks and that was great too. I'm now 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and I intend to continue with Bikram for at least 10 more weeks. Good luck with your pregnancy!
Hi Moonflower, I hope you are feeling better. Maybe you are not. I'm so sad for you and just wanted to share the way I coped when something awful happened to me in my life:
You are in an emergency situation and you have only one priority: YOU. So that means doing anything that is good for your wellbeing, physically and mentally. If it were me, I would cut the cousin in law off completely. who cares what other people think? Remember now, YOU are the only priority here. (obviously you're husband is with you- he is ON YOUR SIDE.)
It doesnt matter if people talk, it doesn't matter what people say about 'being the bigger person.'
Now that you are focusing on 'you' - you can start to do any and all POSITIVE things to feel better. I agree with the lady who talked about the law of attraction (although i haven't read that book)... positive thoughts... surround yourself with light. You can do an online meditation course, read self help books, don't touch alcohol or drugs as they are both depressants that involve come-downs, which you desperately do not need right now. The book that helped me the most was called 'The Power of Now' its a very famous book and quite easy to read.. it's not very long but contains a very powerful message. Also eat only healthy unprocessed foods as processed foods and excessive chemicals and sugar are depressants aswell. Take regular exercise as this raises endorphins and helps you feel good about life.
Basically the plan is to do all these things that you CAN do, does that make sense? You may feel completely depressed but you have a choice to drink a bottle of whiskey or to not touch a drop. You can go to Mcdonalds or eat a fresh healthy dinner full of vibrant vegetables. If you drink the whiskey and eat the maccie-d's you will feel worse. And this is not about feeling worse, its about getting better.
Also, you can ignore the cell phone when your cousin calls. Dont even listen to the message she leaves. Tough for her, this is about YOU. Will it make you feel worse to see her? Then DONT. When you feel better you can see her. You will get better, you will see her again. If she is hurt, then boo-hoo for her.
I don't want to talk about what happened in my life but it was a sudden shock that changed everything - I lost everything, or at least what I perceived at the time to be 'everything.' I was devastated but in a way it freed me. The pain was so intense I was free to not care about anything, i mean anything but myself. If you can prioritize yourself (and your husband) in such a way, you can recover. The cousin in law has got to go. She can come back into your life when you are better. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone.
I urge you to keep a journal. Research ways to be happy. Another book I came across called ':59 seconds' had a chapter on how to increase happiness, I did all the things in it.. and it helped. Writing down in your journal 3 things for which you were grateful for that day. Stuff like that.
Also please go get as much counseling and therapy as you can... dont think of the cost. Or go to the doctor and find out where you can access free or means-tested therapy.
Finally, I was blessed by the universe in that I was given the chance to go to a foreign country for 2 months. I had to go to the little toilet on the outbound plane at midnight and bawl my eyes out. But oh my god, I came back to life out there. It wasnt just one thing.. it was all the things i had done.
I am a yogini with 15 years of practice under my belt, ...I do hot yoga, ashtanga, vinyasa, sivinanda and googled hot yoga and pregnancy because i am TTC, and came across this thread. Obviously you are in pain.. it's easy to be a wonderful person full of light and love when everything is okay within your life but when things hit rock bottom you dont have to feel bad for acting petty or selfish. Know that yoga and meditation can and do help immensely. Why not try vinyasa flow yoga, just regular temperature? Also online you can find guided meditation courses.
Good luck, hang on to your husband- weather the storm. Life is not what happens to you, it is how you REACT to what happens to you.
Om peace, Om shanti. xxxxxxx
This is my first time posting on a stream. I miscarried Aug. 1, 2011. That day I was moving from my little 4.5 apartment to a grand place my partner and friends were renovating for us.
I have never been this upset, sad and weeping before for such an extended time in my life. We were not "trying" to get pregnant, but both wanted children together, several children and he'd joke about "well we'd better get started.." We don't have that much sex anymore.
Because of my re-occuring waves of sadness and loss, I decided to finally start some online reading today. It has been so helpful. (esp. bettybimble and moonflower - thank you moonflower).
I just turned 31 and my partner is 42. I lost the baby, well, let's rephrase..the miscarriage happened at 12 weeks and I had fortune of hearing the heartbeat at 7 weeks, during the first check up, before any ultrasounds. I sometimes wonder still if the fact I am under (the sometimes rushed and under-staffed) Canadian health care (I'm a Montrealer) had anything to do with the miscarriage...
However, reading the majority of these comments about focusing your positivity, listening to your body and remaining in the present moment strike truth in my spirit and makes me want to return to the bikram studio.
In my opinion and time through the loss, I am struggling to accept that there may not be any "right" or sensitive-enough" way to be approached especially by the people (family) around you. Someone above said to grieve actively: that is I feel "working" for me, I am even feeling more awake and balanced now than I was 1 hour prior to finding this site. I poured my heart out to my (who I feel is less interested in me) partner a few nights ago, weeping about the pain of the loss I still felt, the shame, the shift in our relationship and lack or change of affection and how I felt I was chasing him.
I used to practice and volunteer at the bikram studio and gave up my time there for a great promotion at work where I sold sports gear for running and was a running instructor. I have been running/track competitor since I was 10 years old. Brought up in an athletic house.
After the promotion, and 5 weeks pregnant, I was relocated to the suburbs, our busiest locale, and was bombarded with families, children, pregnant women and new mothers. At first I reassured a handful of new mums that I too am now pregnant and am researching all the right ways to exercise pre, during and post pregnancy.
I was only there a month and a half before the miscarriage and then 4 weeks at home on insurance of terrible "recovery": cramping, vomiting, infections, antibiotics, terribly insensitive family members (my younger, un-athletic sister asked, "well don't you just only work in a shoe-store?? My parents didn't speak to me for 3 days, disappointed I wasn't married, but then finally reassured me they will love us and the baby.. the miscarriage happened 5 days later) and tears. I hadn't told any friends because no one had or were even considering kids. I did finally tell a few friends about the loss afterward, which help me deal with my feeling of isolation and "tainted-ness".
Upon my return to work, I lasted 3 weeks in September before calling it quits one Sunday morning before I went in to lead practice. Everyone was happy to see me back at it, but I was crying every day, biking on my way to work, missing the baby or feeling I took my pregnancy for granted, I "lied"/withheld the truth of my absence from everyone but one mother/running trainees who emailed me her concerns asking if the baby was ok, I answered her no and had never heard back from her... She had just had her second child when she joined my training group...
Quite a tangent, but I needed it off my chest. Like icing on the cake, when I went, by bike, to return my key, I fell badly and bashed my knee, ending my personal, solo runs for another 4 weeks. I'd never been not exercising for so long, I felt I had slipped into insanity. Finally, late October, near my bday, I run again and just cried... so unsure of if my passion for running, my go-to for stress, "was that what", I hate to say but, "killed my baby ?"- I am realizing we have to feel this grief, let it rock us, but feel the grief together - breathe, and send softness and tenderness out to let it be known to those who feel alone, they are not alone. And not to blame.
The morning I quit the job I loved, I wept to my partner that I rather have died and not the baby..
the fact that we are all still here, together, for each other, now, Right now, each and everyone of us, is IMPORTANT, and must be coveted. I have tears in my eyes as I know I am still trying to respect and act on the truth of this fact...
All to say, I have been considering returning to the bikram studio, the practice I had let go of for my work's promotion. At the bikram studio, (on Walker street in Montreal, Canada) I have met the most kind, smart, loving and positive people. It was in this setting I learned the importance of one's energy, tenderness and the body's will to heal. We are always stronger than we think, and we are stronger together, please reach out, like your arm to the sky in triangle ;)
My prayers go out to you moonflower- namaste
I think a woman can maintain her current exercise program as long as she feels good doing it. As your body gets larger you will have to opt out of certain poses or modify the pose to compensate. If you feel ok doing it and do not feel over exerted than great, but do pay attention to any signs of heat exhaustion. I started getting signs that I was doing to much and getting overheated after the 16th week mark. I would actually get welts on my thighs. So I had to modify my exercise routine to something with lower impact. Keep us posted on how everything is working for you :D
I was worried my girlfriend was spending too much time doing hot yoga when another friend told me there might be harms to doing it so often. She does it at least 5 times a week, for about 90 min to 2 hours each time. That's how I stumbled upon this thread.
Moonflower, I know I will not be able to say anything to ease your state of mind. I can only imagine what you have gone through and it is heartbreaking that you feel your friends aren't sympathetic to your distress. Stay strong, and take care of yourself right now.
Let me just say one thing though. Everyone has his or her own flaws and shortcomings; ask yourself honestly: do these people who are now pregnant love you? If they do, try to forgive them their flaws and accept their situation. Just be honest with them as much as you can. You can still be supportive without going to every baby-related function. Tell them you're happy for them, but that it's just very difficult for you, and that the last thing you want to do is take away from their special time by bringing others around with sadness.
I know this is an emotional time for you and I feel for you so... but I ask respectfully that you please give them the benefit of the doubt if you determine they really do care for you. In my opinion, it seems a little trivial (I'm not trying to downplay your sadness in any way, I understand this brought out a strong emotion and that's not your fault) to be so upset that they didn't "warn" you that a letter was coming on their baby shower. People, most of the time, try to be good and considerate. They try to be sensitive. Who knows -- maybe they decided to join their two baby showers together so that you wouldn't have to go through two separate ones... It's tough to always know what is the right thing to do when a loved one hurts. I have seen this and I have failed many times in this regard, despite trying as hard as I possibly could to do everything in my power to make my hurting loved ones feel better.
I feel for you, and I will say a prayer for you.
Well, I went. Bought baby gifts. And it has just about killed me. My grief has now hit an all time low. I don't know how much more I can take.
I feel for you. The ups and the downs. I'm 42 and in Thailand now trying to conceive. They have inexpensive IVF treatment here that is exceptional in Bangkok about 1/2 price of the US. Anyway, I had a miscarriage when I was 36. It was horrible, but in the end I think it was divine intervention. The man I was with was not a match for me, and I understand that most miscarriages happen due to genetic abnormalities. It was not planned, but I've wanted to be a mother my whole life, so the miscarriage was incredibly painful. With the miscarriage, I felt terrible. And soon after the experience, it seemed that everyone had forgotten but me. The doctors did not do a cleaning of my uterus, so the blood seemed to keep coming which reminded me every day of the experience.
Where I'm at now is that my husband and I will do a round of IVF. I call it arranging a "Play date" for the egg and sperm. My eggs have been coming very irregularly, so getting pregnant has been a problem. Our boundaries are that we will only use my egg and his sperm. If that doesn't happen, we will adopt. There are over 3.5 million children in the world that need parents. Even if we do get pregnant and I have a baby, we will probably adopt.
Ok. So what prompted me to write to you is about the baby shower. Have you heard of the "law of attraction"? Abraham Hicks? Well they talk about always reaching for the better feeling thought and going with the flow of the river instead of fighting the current. So, according to Abraham's principles, I would reach for the better feeling thought. Moving from depression to joy when I thought of children was difficult, because it's a huge jump. So, it's one small step at a time. Which for me is that I love children. I love their smiles. I love their laughter. Just thinking about these things makes me smile. Next, I feel the pleasure of having a child in my arms. That baby smell. I feel the joy in my heart for the sensation of my arms wrapped around a child. I imagine the joy of the mothers who have children. I send loving thoughts to every child I see and all the mothers and fathers, because i too want to be a mother. They say that like attracts like. And if you feel joy about something, you are drawing it to you. They also say that even if you are able to move into the better feeling thought for a short time that is good. it's a practice. And taking the time to vision what you want instead of the current "reality" of your not having a child. Each minute visioning and really feeling that vision draws what you are wanting to you. Visioning does not work if you are feeling the yucky feeling of not having what you want. It's about clearing out the unwanted for what you want for at least 1 minute each day. The more you do it, the better. There are all kinds of health reasons for doing this too.
To me, it's not about denying your feelings or being the bigger person. It's about choosing to be the magnet for that which you want. So, if you can go and feel joy about the babies on the way, and happiness for their mothers, I would go, if not, I wouldn't go. I would aim for feeling joy for would be mothers, sending them love and joy. It will draw the experience to you instead of being a magnet for what you don't want.
As an aside, those women might very likely not know how to speak with you about what you are experiencing without the fear of hurting you. Their sending you the invitations could be a way of saying that they care and don't want to alienate you. Yes, they could have called first, but I don't think that it's because they wanted to hurt you. They probably didn't know what to say. If you can, let their joy wash over you and imagine the joy you will have with children around. I know it's a fine line. I practice being open to having children in my life period. Whether they come from my body or not. That's the best I can do. It gives me more choices, more peace of mind, and more joy.
I know I will be a mother in some way. I'm not sure how. But I will be. I get baby time as often as I can with my best friend's children. I consider it practice for being a mother.
I just started doing Bikram yoga here in Thailand, and I will make sure I have a fan on me or can leave the room at the very least, and have some cold water with me during the time. I am loving the strengthening and the endurance of both my mind and body. I'm not a marathon runner, but I'm also not a stranger to exercise. The sweating is GREAT. It's like I can feel the toxins leaving my body. It will only be for three weeks (I have a month pass), and I'm not scheduled to do the IVF until the 20th when I've stopped the yoga. I was just about to ovulate when I first got here, so we had a scheduled natural play date first, so there is a chance I could be pregnant.
By the way, statistics are for groups of people, not individual. Be attentive to bringing the perfect child for you into your life.
Sending you love and light.
Check out - www.abraham_hick.com
First, I want to say thank you for everyone's advice and support. I can't express how much it has helped. These last several months have been some of the most trying, depressing times. I've tried hard to hold it together. I think I'm doing ok, getting better, but have noticed the enormous amount of fatigue I now have. I use to be so full of energy and life, and now it's a struggle to get through every day. I can't believe I once ran and trained for marathons, triathlons, and did intensive yoga. Where did that energy go? I know it must be depression, though the sadness has lifted.
I can also tell that my fatigue is marked by certain events. May 16th was my due date. The entire month of May was a struggle.
I have now returned back to my bikram yoga practice. I have missed it so much. I was not practicing "just in case" I got pregnant again. But after trying for over 6 months and my 40 birthday quickly approaching, I can't hold out much longer. Maybe it's selfish, but at some point, I have to start taking care of me again.
It's taking me a LONG time to get to this point. And though I know I'm doing "better", I've been faced with another painful reminder and delima. The girls I've mentioned before are both pregnant. One month apart, with the first one, being due next month. She became pregnant just over a month from me. This first girl is the one that's been so insensitive. The second, I don't know nearly as well, and we've never had any conversations concerning my pregnancy or miscarriage, though I know she knows.
Last week, unexpectedly, I received their duel baby shower invitation. No phone call, no message that it was coming, it just arrived in the mail. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. Then a few days later, I received an email, that just said, "Hey, we just wanted to make sure you got the invitation to our baby shower." No, hi, how are you doing, have you been ok,.... Just, we want to make sure you got it.... I'm trying so hard to get through this, but I feel like she is SO insensitive. The thought of going to this shower brings tears to my eyes. How am I going to set through them BOTH opening all those adorable baby gifts and not break down in tears. I'm truly happy for them, but devastated for me and my husband. I have no ill will and I'm glad their pregnancies have been successful. But my pain is almost too much to bare. And it goes deeper than just the miscarriage. Approaching 40 I know I have very little time left and how much harder it is. I am at the end of my reproductive life. These girls are 29 and 28. So not only does the thought of sitting through a baby shower bring up the pain of my loss because of the miscarriage, but I know there's also a reality that I have to face that it may never happen. We've been trying, with no success and that just adds to my frustration and pain. I really don't want to attend this shower. I am thinking of just sending them a card with a gift card to their home and skipping the shower. Is this selfish of me and does it make me a horrible person? I've gotten mixed messages from friends I've talked to. Some say "be the bigger person" others say they couldn't image how painful it would be and agree going is just going to send me into another cycle of depression.
I know I have to face it when the babies get here, I'm ok with that. At least then when I see them and their babies, it'll be a family events for other purposes and the "babies" won't be the focus.
The thought of attending a shower all themed BABY and watching both of them celebrate when our due dates were so close feels unbearable.
Any thoughts? What should I do? Should I speak to this girl directly and explain to her how I feel, or just forget about it? I only wish that she would have been more sensitive and caring about what I've gone through. A simple phone call from her would have made ALL the difference in the world.
Thank you for being so honest. You poor wee thing, you sad thing, you falling apart thing but also, you courageous thing, you candid and loving thing, you conscientious thing. I am 43 and last year finally got pregnant only to miscarry at what I thought was 12 weeks but which turned out to be at 7 only my body continued to "think" it was pregnant and I felt pregnant. It was bloody awful. At the time there were three of us, three friends pregnant - my two friends 6 to 7 weeks ahead. 9 months later (late March for both) and my two friends have had their babies. I thought I would be alright but the day one of the baby's was born and I held her in the hospital I began to sob. My friends, the parents of the new baby plus their two year old all crouched around me and cried too. A very loving experience. I am sorry your cousin-in-law is so brash and self-centred. What I found to help me is to remind myself that I am in my life, it is my life and I am living it for better and for worse. I am not my friends and they are not me, they are not better or worse then me. Similarly, you are in YOUR life, you are living in your body with your breath, and your arms, and legs and arms and heart, and feelings. You are living your life, you are becoming yourself in your life, a life presently full of losses but also gains, crowded with sorrows but also with kindnesses, as exemplified by the generous comments and care on these pages. YOU solicited those, YOU drew on your strength of openness and expressiveness (not your husband or your sister-in-law or anyone else).
Hi Moonflower! Thank you for posting first of all. I am mourning the loss of my pregnancy at 14 weeks and my life since has had enormous changes. I just wanted to offer you love and hope and encouragement. I have been a bikram student as well, but was not practicing during the time of conception to the loss of my acranial baby--a NTD with chromosome 13 defects--ring formation. I have obsessively searched the internet and med forums and volunteered for a study through Duke University--anything to ease my mind and actively grieve. I am TTC now, but haven't decided what I will do as far as continuing my bikram practice once I am late.
All of the feelings you wrote about, I also have had. My friends keep telling me that they all miscarried and that helps; but it is also hard hearing about those that are somehow luckier than me and that have carried their baby to term. I really feel for you! My friend who had four IVF's unsuccessfully proclaimed she would never adopt but now she has a three year old whom she and her partner totally adore. But I know that it is not the same as carrying a child into the earth from one's own womb. Oh, I hope that that will happen for both of us...
My boyfriend and I also struggled following our loss. But I experience some relief knowing that the huge ups and downs may be related to my deep internal and primal grief experience which often reflects my deepest fear of being left alone or losing my attachment figures/SO's. I agree that seeing a therapist might offer loads of support during this hard time. I really hope you will continue to communicate on this thread. I hope to hear good news from you, and will be holding your hopes in my heart.
hello. I just read through all of this. First off, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Here are some thoughts from reading through your posts, for what they are worth:
1. My opinion would be that your loss was not related to the yoga... unfortunately a lot of women miscarriage and it is typically due to genetic abnormalities. Doesn't really make it any easier, except that it was most likely nothing you did.
2. I have had two miscarriages, and two children- my pregnancies go: miscarriage, daughter (now 5), miscarriage, son (now 2)... the first miscarriage and my daughter were both unplanned pregnancies, but the last two pregnancies were planned... and let me tell you how stressful that was! It took us 7 months to get pregnant after we started to try, and then we lost the baby... being as it was my second miscarriage, I at least knew physically what to expect, etc... but my marriage was suffereing as well... we finally decided to take a trip together- trust me, we were fighting up until the trip, I thought he was going to cancel it- but once we got to the resort, we relaxed, drank, ate, and learned to love each other again... it did both of us good! If he is willing, you might try that- once you get through it all it is easier to understand why your husband is feeling the way he is- he loves you, and he can't understand what you are going through, emotionally or physically, and he doesn't want to see you hurt anymore- it took my husband months to be able to tell me how much it killed him to see me hurt so badly- but during that time he just acted angry all the time, and it really came between us.
3. All of that was years ago- we did get pregnant again and had our son... but we have been having a lot of marital problems the past 6 months or so (unrelated to our problems of the past), and just recently decided we were either going to split or get counciling- we chose the councelor... it is doing us wonders. We have grown so much closer- it is good to have someone there to help you talk to each other--- it is harder to just get angry with each other if there is some one helping you talk... you might benefit from seeking some help, and ask your husband if he'd go with you, just to support you... if he thinks he is helping you get well again, and not that your "having problems", he might be more willing to go with you and talk about how he is feeling to... just a suggestion.
4. take a break... for just a month or two- don't think about trying to get pregnant- don't have sex if you don't want to think about it... I finally had to do that when we were trying- I told him I needed a break from the ups and downs- a month following our break we did get pregnant!
5. Hang in there- I really think it will get better... easier for someone to say then to believe- trust me- 2 weeks ago I was ready to run away from life... I was pretty depressed and couldn't stop crying- but last week was a pretty good one... what you are going through is very difficult and many of us have been there, and for whatever comfort it brings- we all survived it, and most of our marriages did too...
hugs, and best of luck to you!
This miscarriage has been the absolute worse thing of my life. Everything has just gone no where but south. It's even ruining my marriage. Looks like there will never be another child for me, seeing that now, looks like they'll be no husband. It's all been so distressing and now I'm depressed beyond words. My husband was so supportive in the beginning when it first happened. It even felt like it brought us closer, but, since January, it's all gone horriably wrong and it gets worse by the day. He was the one that wanted a child. Then I lost it. I know he was heartbroken. At first he was positive and asked when we could try again. I got the ok by my doc January 8. Then it just started falling apart. Our sex life went in the toilet. He kept saying he wanted us to keep trying, but he was completely disinterested and unwilling in sex. Then with each period, he'd be dissapointed. Now he's telling me he doesn't want to have sex with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me, and he's afraid if I get pregnant again and loose it, it'll break my heart. We fight now all the time and he sleeps on the couch. I don't know how much more I can take. It seems our marriage has completely fallen apart and is headed straight for separation and divorce. My life really sux. I've never been so depressed.