Aa
Embarassing Question ---- and a vent ... long ...
Ok. I woke up very early this morning and had just leaked a small amount of urine onto the bed. I don't have any symptoms of a bladder infection or anything. But I do think my uterus has finally shifted (I'm retroverted) and is putting more weight on my bladder. (I am just 13.5 weeks and hoping there isn't anymore of this type of thing.)
Well- I immediately went down to the bathroom and then tried my best to clean it up- it wasn't that much- while my partner was sleeping. So I told him about it before he left for work.
When he got to work, he called me and is worried about whether I cleaned it up- as this mattress cost XX amount- etc. I feel really bad. He says I don't care because I didn't buy it .... I did clean it up- again. I told him this was the first time this ever happened and I would not drink anything a few hrs before bedtime. He told me I was going to have to get some DEPENDS for myself ... Anyhow- he says I HAVE done it before- (not true.) I told him I would sleep on the hospital bed that we have - which is plastic lined- if he was so worried about it.
I am just feeling really terrible right now and those pg hormones are kicking in. I feel really bad about the bed. I love our bed. I sleep so good in that bed. In my past 15 plus yr. marriage- my ex had a waterbed- which hurt my bad back and then he cheated on me in that bed- OUR bed. He promised me a new bed (I offered to buy it) and all kinds of other things if I stayed. I stayed- but he never kept his promises... so I lost a LOT of years of sleep trying to sleep in that bed with him or just sleeping on the floor.
My partner knows the above- and I refreshed his memory that he was making me feel like I was not able to sleep in that bed with him. He says I am a cry baby and need to get over the past. (It also makes me think of what he would do/say if our child ever has an accident ONE time in the bed.) He once had a "leak" when he had too much to drink the night before- which I almost forgot about ...
Anyhow- thanks for letting me vent!!! Has anyone else ever done this while PG? Does it happen alot?
Well- I immediately went down to the bathroom and then tried my best to clean it up- it wasn't that much- while my partner was sleeping. So I told him about it before he left for work.
When he got to work, he called me and is worried about whether I cleaned it up- as this mattress cost XX amount- etc. I feel really bad. He says I don't care because I didn't buy it .... I did clean it up- again. I told him this was the first time this ever happened and I would not drink anything a few hrs before bedtime. He told me I was going to have to get some DEPENDS for myself ... Anyhow- he says I HAVE done it before- (not true.) I told him I would sleep on the hospital bed that we have - which is plastic lined- if he was so worried about it.
I am just feeling really terrible right now and those pg hormones are kicking in. I feel really bad about the bed. I love our bed. I sleep so good in that bed. In my past 15 plus yr. marriage- my ex had a waterbed- which hurt my bad back and then he cheated on me in that bed- OUR bed. He promised me a new bed (I offered to buy it) and all kinds of other things if I stayed. I stayed- but he never kept his promises... so I lost a LOT of years of sleep trying to sleep in that bed with him or just sleeping on the floor.
My partner knows the above- and I refreshed his memory that he was making me feel like I was not able to sleep in that bed with him. He says I am a cry baby and need to get over the past. (It also makes me think of what he would do/say if our child ever has an accident ONE time in the bed.) He once had a "leak" when he had too much to drink the night before- which I almost forgot about ...
Anyhow- thanks for letting me vent!!! Has anyone else ever done this while PG? Does it happen alot?
Yeah - even softie me has to admit - if this "teasing" is part of his typical behaviour, it's a very bad sign. It's a common characteristic in those with a non-compassionate, self-centred personality. I have experienced it, too, as part of a devastating "friendship" I once had. It's also common in those with personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm not saying your partner has a full-blown disorder (I don't know him nor am I a doctor) - but if you look up the characteristics of these things, you may see something familiar. The message is: this is the way he is, and is very unlikely to change in any significant way, despite occasional nice gestures he makes to keep you with him.
An Indian shaman I know calls these types "non-beneficial people". Talk about non-judgemental! But it's a term that works for me.
Keep us posted on how you're doing!
~Wendy
An Indian shaman I know calls these types "non-beneficial people". Talk about non-judgemental! But it's a term that works for me.
Keep us posted on how you're doing!
~Wendy
That really disturbs me about "playing" with you by teasing you in a hurtful way. Yeah, I've dated *that* guy too. All I learned from the experience is that some teasing is malicious, and I want no part of it. Nobody in my life treats me that way now.
It isn't funny if it's hurting your feelings. It's cruel and manipulative of him to say nasty things under the guise of "just kidding". What is he, 12?
It isn't funny if it's hurting your feelings. It's cruel and manipulative of him to say nasty things under the guise of "just kidding". What is he, 12?
The thing is that we have a RIGHT to expect to be treated with respect and love from our partners. By doing that they are not doing us a favor, it should be an expectation. From all of us. Just as our partners have a right to be treated with love and respect from us. Things go wrong in marriages and I know it's not always fairytale. However, when that line is crossed and it goes from normal ups and downs to abusive behaviour, we have a duty to ourselves and our children to ensure we are all protected. So many don't recognize emotional abuse as a form of abuse because the bruises don't necessarily show. But they are still there and you don't deserve it. Meli is right, this sort of thing continues in cycles when our children witness it. We are teaching them how to behave as adults through our behaviour. Mistreatment and abuse becomes "normal" to them and our sons then grow up to become abusers and our daughters abused. And accept it as normal. It just keeps going.
even though he is nice to your kids the example of love and the roll of male female relationships will be a very hard issue for your kids as the form their own relationships. I know we hope more than anything for our kids that they will find good, loving healthy relationships. If you kids see the example you are setting for them it will be much harder for them to be in a healthy relationship when they are older. Please think of their future. As you know a bad relationship as an adult is a horrible thing. So far you have given your kids an abusive dad and now you are giving them a second example of an abusive male figure. the damage this could cause to your children is very great... I know this is hard as you will say it is not your fault.. but you are an adult, you make the choice about who you get with and who you stay with. As an adult if you need help you need to search it out. It is your responsibility ultimately to protect your children not only from direct harm but also the indirect effect your dysfunctional relationship will have on your children's future. There is a GREAT amount of help out there for women that are abused... call a hotline and they can point you into the right direction.. much is free 1.800.799.SAFE call today and get help for you.. for the sake of your children please do this
I do hope you stay strong. Quite simply, there is no excuse for the behavior you've been dealing with and any back-sliding into the old pattern is inexcusable. Hold his feet to the fire and turn a deaf ear to the whining and begging. if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, then it's time to end it.
Like the rest of the ladies here, I'm here for you too. Take care of yourself and your children, first and foremost!
Hugs,
Bonnie
Like the rest of the ladies here, I'm here for you too. Take care of yourself and your children, first and foremost!
Hugs,
Bonnie
After I left my toxic relationship & was in the process of recovery & figuring out what the hell happened, I came across info on the web & in books.
http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
These are just a few. Also google Narcissist. He's probably one of those.
My hindsight RED FLAG was the teasing. It doesn't stop when it should. Getting you angry or to cry gives him pleasure. AND when you put your foot down & say that you've had enough! - He says "God, I was just kidding. You can't take a joke. Your too sensitive", etc.
I read that in a story written by a woman who was a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship & my light bulb went on! She went on to describe what I now know as "gaslighting" - He would lie to me & others about me & then change the story making me feel like I was forgetting things that I said & did. I thought I was going crazy. It is a control tactic.
Please talk to family & friends about this & ask them to please be honest. Then take a very long look at what is happening here.
If he doesn't inspire you to be a better person, to take risks & try new things without fear that if you fail you will be ridiculed, then you must reassess what it is that you DO get out of this relationship & be prepared to see things about him & yourself that you'd rather not see.
You should feel that you are, pregnant or not, the most important person in his life - a goddess, an inspiration, worthy of all & everything.
Don't settle for anything less!!
http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
These are just a few. Also google Narcissist. He's probably one of those.
My hindsight RED FLAG was the teasing. It doesn't stop when it should. Getting you angry or to cry gives him pleasure. AND when you put your foot down & say that you've had enough! - He says "God, I was just kidding. You can't take a joke. Your too sensitive", etc.
I read that in a story written by a woman who was a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship & my light bulb went on! She went on to describe what I now know as "gaslighting" - He would lie to me & others about me & then change the story making me feel like I was forgetting things that I said & did. I thought I was going crazy. It is a control tactic.
Please talk to family & friends about this & ask them to please be honest. Then take a very long look at what is happening here.
If he doesn't inspire you to be a better person, to take risks & try new things without fear that if you fail you will be ridiculed, then you must reassess what it is that you DO get out of this relationship & be prepared to see things about him & yourself that you'd rather not see.
You should feel that you are, pregnant or not, the most important person in his life - a goddess, an inspiration, worthy of all & everything.
Don't settle for anything less!!
I wanted to add that he has "teased" me before for various stupid things. He has gotten his teenager involved- and I have told him it's not funny and to cut it out. he says I can't "play." Sure- he could have been just teasing about the Depends- but to immediately call as soon as he reached work- not be concerned about anything medically- except the mattress ... totally ticked me off.
He says he knows he hasn't been supportive in the past and says he is going to go to the dr. with me and be more supportive. We'll see.
He treats my kids fine. He is harsher on his own teenager- I think. MY ex always treated the kids much better than I- especially the older one. He could never be the "bad guy" - I always had to be to blame. (You made me do that- you forced me/pushed me to do it- blalal. I always told him he sounded like a bad LIFETIME movie.)
I have gone to counseling before- and it actually did ME more harm than good. (It was court ordered when I was the victim ... as a child.)Everyone says I just had a bad counselor. ?? I have told him that he needs to go. Thank you. :)
He says he knows he hasn't been supportive in the past and says he is going to go to the dr. with me and be more supportive. We'll see.
He treats my kids fine. He is harsher on his own teenager- I think. MY ex always treated the kids much better than I- especially the older one. He could never be the "bad guy" - I always had to be to blame. (You made me do that- you forced me/pushed me to do it- blalal. I always told him he sounded like a bad LIFETIME movie.)
I have gone to counseling before- and it actually did ME more harm than good. (It was court ordered when I was the victim ... as a child.)Everyone says I just had a bad counselor. ?? I have told him that he needs to go. Thank you. :)
At this point, it really does boil down to this: "ACTION speaks louder than words. His apology means nothing if he's still treating you in a disrespecting manner."
Talk is cheap, and this man has a loooong history of emotionally, physically, and abusing you. How many strikes til he's out?
Talk is cheap, and this man has a loooong history of emotionally, physically, and abusing you. How many strikes til he's out?
This sounds like an abusive relationship. I say that because I have lived one. I know them well. Your first husband was abusive and it seems as though this guy is also. It may not be physical, but it's definitely emotional and mental. Either get counseling right away or GET OUT of of his presence FAST. You have other children, that aren't his that are witnessing his behavior. Even if you think they don't know what's going on, they do and or will.
As for the leaking. I have to wear a sanitary napkin everyday to stay clear of accidents. I am doing the Kegel exercises. I think they are working.
Keep your head up and remember ACTION speaks louder than words. His apology means nothing if he's still treating you in a disrespecting manner.
As for the leaking. I have to wear a sanitary napkin everyday to stay clear of accidents. I am doing the Kegel exercises. I think they are working.
Keep your head up and remember ACTION speaks louder than words. His apology means nothing if he's still treating you in a disrespecting manner.
My concern here is the children. How is he treating them? If he is treating you this way and you have other children, does he abuse them as well?
oops - you and I were were writing at the same time! Glad you are hanging in and staying firm.
~Wendy
~Wendy
Thanks all. I appreciate it. Of course he has apologized for making me feel that way about the mattress= which is an apology I hate. Just say you were wrong. He knows I will sleep on the floor ... car ... wherever ...
FUGITIVE06- my ex is that way- all the $$. Never woke up for a feeding- even when I was deathly ill- never changed a diaper ... used to hide food on me when I was pregnant- and days later bring it out for the kids- and say look what daddy got for you. Sick Ba$tard. Never picked em up from school when they were sick/missed work or took em to the doctor. (But would take off work for a party or something stupid.) But is very good at making up lies ... won;t even go into MY court case- just to say that my job I had was very critical of how the court there handled some cases (Judges plea bargaining with pedophiles)- and that's where my case got heard- no change in venue. (Lawyer cost my a couple grand which I didn't ahve and then always wanted more $$- Legal Aid wouldn't help me- cause they had helped him once.)
Ya- my favorite is when my partner says how much better he treats me than my ex- wow- you think that is a blue ribbon winner or what?? I know that I am a better person than him- and would never make him feel bad over a possession.
Has begged me to allow him in the delivery room- as he knows I mean it- as I can do it by myself.
Just feeling sad. I do think he realizes that he doesn't do the right thing- but it is always sooo late.
Thanks all for making me feel better! :)
FUGITIVE06- my ex is that way- all the $$. Never woke up for a feeding- even when I was deathly ill- never changed a diaper ... used to hide food on me when I was pregnant- and days later bring it out for the kids- and say look what daddy got for you. Sick Ba$tard. Never picked em up from school when they were sick/missed work or took em to the doctor. (But would take off work for a party or something stupid.) But is very good at making up lies ... won;t even go into MY court case- just to say that my job I had was very critical of how the court there handled some cases (Judges plea bargaining with pedophiles)- and that's where my case got heard- no change in venue. (Lawyer cost my a couple grand which I didn't ahve and then always wanted more $$- Legal Aid wouldn't help me- cause they had helped him once.)
Ya- my favorite is when my partner says how much better he treats me than my ex- wow- you think that is a blue ribbon winner or what?? I know that I am a better person than him- and would never make him feel bad over a possession.
Has begged me to allow him in the delivery room- as he knows I mean it- as I can do it by myself.
Just feeling sad. I do think he realizes that he doesn't do the right thing- but it is always sooo late.
Thanks all for making me feel better! :)
Hi!
So ... how are things now? I've been wondering how you are.
I agree with all the folks who have posted who say this sounds like abusive behaviour. None of it is a good sign, and if it's typical of him, you certainly shouldn't pass off your hurt and angry feelings as pregnancy hormones.
On the other hand, if he's actually supportive most of the time, but is bahaving badly as he adjusts to the pregnancy, and you are extra-sensitive at this time as well, of course there's a possibility that it was one of those situations that just "escalates". A comment about Depends, as crummy as it sounds, could be taken the wrong way if it was an ill-timed attempt at a joke. Anyway, you know what I mean.
The way to tell the two situations apart is by asking yourself, honesty, how he USUALLY treats you, and how you USUALLY feel around him. Of course this doesn't totally excuse insensitive comments (that bit about buying a Tylenol sounded pretty bad, but it all hinges on what was actually said and intended.)
If you find that you often feel belittled/afraid/embarrassed around him, then things are not right. But if he's usually much better than this, and the two of you just had a couple of days from hell (most of us have been there and survived, and were glad no one was filming!), then perhaps progress can be made and he can learn to treat you better.
Whatever way it's going, we're here for you!
Take care,
~Wendy
So ... how are things now? I've been wondering how you are.
I agree with all the folks who have posted who say this sounds like abusive behaviour. None of it is a good sign, and if it's typical of him, you certainly shouldn't pass off your hurt and angry feelings as pregnancy hormones.
On the other hand, if he's actually supportive most of the time, but is bahaving badly as he adjusts to the pregnancy, and you are extra-sensitive at this time as well, of course there's a possibility that it was one of those situations that just "escalates". A comment about Depends, as crummy as it sounds, could be taken the wrong way if it was an ill-timed attempt at a joke. Anyway, you know what I mean.
The way to tell the two situations apart is by asking yourself, honesty, how he USUALLY treats you, and how you USUALLY feel around him. Of course this doesn't totally excuse insensitive comments (that bit about buying a Tylenol sounded pretty bad, but it all hinges on what was actually said and intended.)
If you find that you often feel belittled/afraid/embarrassed around him, then things are not right. But if he's usually much better than this, and the two of you just had a couple of days from hell (most of us have been there and survived, and were glad no one was filming!), then perhaps progress can be made and he can learn to treat you better.
Whatever way it's going, we're here for you!
Take care,
~Wendy
I agree with Bonnie 110%!!! Because I've been there.
It is abuse. Verbal, emotional & psychological abuse. It is NO different than if he were to hit, kick or punch you. In many ways it is worse, for one you don't have visible bruises so he (& maybe even you) think it isn't as bad as physical abuse.
My ex almost destroyed me, he lied to, manipulated, belittled & coerced me. I thought that I was going crazy & that I wasn't worthy of more. He got me pregnant on purpose when I started trying to leave him. He'd beg & cry for me to stay.
I'm finally away & married to an incredible man who treats me like a goddess. You are not even being treated like a human being. BUT I am still connected to him through my daughter & he has done all that he can to get her away from me & destroy me once & for all.
When you leave him, take the children & do NOT deny him time with them but NEVER agree to anything that gives him more than 25% of there time. I was threatened into giving my ex 50/50 custody & when we went to court, THAT & his $$ got him primary physical (joint legal) custody of my daughter!! He is a criminal, deadbeat & an abuser, but I didn't have the bruises or the $$ for a good lawyer to prove it. Now my daughter is miserable & I fear for her well being every day.
Get out & protect yourself & your children.
Namaste!
It is abuse. Verbal, emotional & psychological abuse. It is NO different than if he were to hit, kick or punch you. In many ways it is worse, for one you don't have visible bruises so he (& maybe even you) think it isn't as bad as physical abuse.
My ex almost destroyed me, he lied to, manipulated, belittled & coerced me. I thought that I was going crazy & that I wasn't worthy of more. He got me pregnant on purpose when I started trying to leave him. He'd beg & cry for me to stay.
I'm finally away & married to an incredible man who treats me like a goddess. You are not even being treated like a human being. BUT I am still connected to him through my daughter & he has done all that he can to get her away from me & destroy me once & for all.
When you leave him, take the children & do NOT deny him time with them but NEVER agree to anything that gives him more than 25% of there time. I was threatened into giving my ex 50/50 custody & when we went to court, THAT & his $$ got him primary physical (joint legal) custody of my daughter!! He is a criminal, deadbeat & an abuser, but I didn't have the bruises or the $$ for a good lawyer to prove it. Now my daughter is miserable & I fear for her well being every day.
Get out & protect yourself & your children.
Namaste!
My dear, your partner's behavior--and the behavior of your ex--are abusive. What you have described here is emotional abuse. Do not write off your reactions and feelings to pregnancy hormones. My guess is, because you've been in this situation before (and worse), you believe that this kind of behavior is normal and acceptable, but it is absolutely NOT normal. It's abuse.
Although you believe it's best for your health and your baby's to stay with this jerk, the damage he's doing to your self-esteem (and surely he will damage your baby's, too) is far more harmful. Do you have any family or friends in the area you can stay with?
I realize you don't know me from Adam, but you are being abused by your partner, like you were by your previous partner, and there is only one way to fix the problem: take matters into your own hands. You *can* have control over the situation. If it were me, I'd give him a choice--serious relationship counseling and a 180-degree change in behavior, or I would move out. (If it's your place, kick *him* out.) He can have the bed if it's his. What you get out of this solution is far more valuable; you get your self-esteem back and regain control over your life.
Whatever you do, I wish you the very best of luck! Be good to yourself!
Bonnie
Although you believe it's best for your health and your baby's to stay with this jerk, the damage he's doing to your self-esteem (and surely he will damage your baby's, too) is far more harmful. Do you have any family or friends in the area you can stay with?
I realize you don't know me from Adam, but you are being abused by your partner, like you were by your previous partner, and there is only one way to fix the problem: take matters into your own hands. You *can* have control over the situation. If it were me, I'd give him a choice--serious relationship counseling and a 180-degree change in behavior, or I would move out. (If it's your place, kick *him* out.) He can have the bed if it's his. What you get out of this solution is far more valuable; you get your self-esteem back and regain control over your life.
Whatever you do, I wish you the very best of luck! Be good to yourself!
Bonnie
I read through all of this and I have to say I am pretty shocked. How dare he tell you you have to wear depends?? Or sleep on the floor for God's sake? Are you kidding me? As the other ladies said our bodies will do all sorts of strange things and leak all kinds of fluids. If he is putting a mattress ahead of you, that is a huge warning sign for me. You are the mother of his child and carrying his baby. Respect is a word he needs to learn. Sorry to sound so harsh, but this is just plain wrong.
I hope you don't have a little girl at home that thinks this is the way a woman should be treated.. or a boy for that matter that is learning that this is how to treat your wife.. heck.. I don't think this is a good example for you kids.. do you want them in this kind of a relationship when they get older? If not.. you may want to think about the example of "ok" that you are sending them
I've read this thread several times and I can't believe what I am reading. What is with this guy? My water broke in bed with both kids. It was a mess but my DH never said a word. Both times the sheets had been changed and the bed was made when I came home from the hospital. With my son I hemorraged at home and left a trail from the livingroom, through the bedroom into the bathroom. That too was cleaned up before I came home. I can't believe you put up with him.
I feel so badly for you. Leaking urine is so common in pregnancy and believe me the further along you get the more it may occur. Your partner is an insensitive, controllong jerk and I really hope you do not tolerate his selfish behavior any longer. You and your child deserve better.
I actually asked my DH what he would do if I leaked urine in bed. He just smiled and said well I would probably tease you for a second but then we would change the sheets and go back to bed. He said he knows it happens and that he is aware that it is his son doing that to me. :) That is the kind of partner you need. By the way I am 7 months along and I swear just standing up makes me leak. Thank goodness for panty liners.
Please keep us posted on how things are going.
I actually asked my DH what he would do if I leaked urine in bed. He just smiled and said well I would probably tease you for a second but then we would change the sheets and go back to bed. He said he knows it happens and that he is aware that it is his son doing that to me. :) That is the kind of partner you need. By the way I am 7 months along and I swear just standing up makes me leak. Thank goodness for panty liners.
Please keep us posted on how things are going.
The more I read this post the angrier I got. You sound like a wonderful and patient person and he does not deserve you. Honestly, your ex sounds like an a$#%(* and so does your partner. I am sorry I should not be commenting but cannot help it. One night at 10 weeks I threw up (on a towel) and peed in our bed and yes it is a very expensive mattress, DH changed sheet and started a load. we moved to the guest bedroom, where after an hour I threw up and peed again(again another expensive mattress) . So again DH changed sheets and started a load of laundry. We slept on an air mattress that night. It takes two to make a baby. You are not peeing because you think its a fun thing to do but it is out of your control because you are pregnant - WITH YOUR PARTNERS BABY. he needs to be nicer to you. You are the one going through all these changes. Maybe I keep my husband and all the people around me on a short leash but if DH even dared to say something he would be in the dog house and he is well aware of that. This is the time when he should be pampering you and not picking on you. Blame it on the darn pregnancy hormones but if I knew where he lived I would be at your doorstep to give him an earlful - very tempted and angry
Gosh, I really hate to hear stories like this, it makes me so angry. I can't believe he actually got so mad at you about something like that. I have had "leaks" before once when I was having a bout of vomiting and a couple of weeks ago when I had a bad cough. It is not something that you can control. My husband also teased me about it when I told him (not in a mean way at all) but he was also sensitive and concerned too. You need his love and support and I hate it for you that you don't seem to be getting that. Seems to me like he needs to educate himself a little on pregnancy. Good luck sweetie!
The more I read of this, the more disgusted I become. No woman, pregnant or not, should be treated the way this so called man is treated you. He sounds very insensitive and immature and probably shouldn't be around a child anyway. Could you just imagine if he treats the woman he says he loves like this, how would he treat a helpless child?? I'm sorry if this may sound harsh, it really is not meant to be, but you really need to decide what is best for you and your child and it doesn't sound like this man is. I know we all have to live our own lives and live with the consequences, but if a man every spoke to me or acted toward me the way he does to you, he would have been long gone.
I am absolutely speechless at your partners behavior. Its unacceptable.
Hi,
I read your posts above and I can't help thinking that no way I would stay with such an insensitive guy! You should speak with him about his behaviour and if it's possible you may want to go to see a counselor with him before the child is born.
As for leaking urine, I too have this problem though it's not too bad and wearing panty-liners works for me.
I read your posts above and I can't help thinking that no way I would stay with such an insensitive guy! You should speak with him about his behaviour and if it's possible you may want to go to see a counselor with him before the child is born.
As for leaking urine, I too have this problem though it's not too bad and wearing panty-liners works for me.
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