Feeling really frightened....

[adgal]

So I know I am an absolute idiot for even worrying, but I can't seem to stop.  Today the ultrasound clinic called to confirm my appointment monday, and give me the instructions again. I almost cancelled.  I have absolutely no reason to think all is not well, but can't seem to get the thought out of my head.  It's like I just don't even want to know.  No spotting now in 9 days, no bad cramping (just some mild aching, mostly lower right side), symptoms go away, but always seem to come back again.  Why am I doing this to myself. I have read the stats...only 1% of miscarriages are missed miscarriages and after a strong fetal heartbeat, there is only a 5 to 10% chance of losing the pregnancy.  Better then when I started.  My age combined with my history had me at something like 50%, so I should be happy right? Why can I just not accept that all will be fine, and that I can have a healthy normal pregnancy.  There is no rational reason to feel this way, but I am almost making myself sick stressing so much.  I hate this, I can't enjoy, I just want this first trimester to be over with.  Sorry, no question, just needed to get that all out.  

[Tanker Chic]

I'm so sorry you are stressing like this.. try to remind yourself that the pg is not going to last forover... so please enjoy it... I would hate for you look back and only have memories of stress and worry.. just believe it will workout.. you can't control anything except for your own thoughts at this point...

I think the appt will do you good.. it will confirm there is a health growning baby in there and then maybe you will get at least a moment of peace..

I'm sorry hon..  Hannah

[wanting4#1]

Oh, my dear sweet Amanda...if only I could be there to give you a big whole hug.  Followed by a big whole smack ;)

We are such peas in a pod. I am two days past my u/s and I'm already wanting another one to make sure everything is still okay.  I think the combination of what we've gone through and what we know others have gone through is just too much for us to handle sometimes. I often think that maybe I should stay off this forum so that I won't read other's tragedies and losses, but then I think how sad I would be to not have you all around all day!

It's been a long road and I don't think anyone can blame us for wanting to be cautious in our joy; for me, I don't want to take any of it for granted, either.  And I also say that if God forbid, something happens, I don't want there to be one minuscule thing that I could blame myself for

Right now, I'm more relieved because I'm feeling so gross, but at 4 a.m. this morning when I woke up feeling fine, I was a nervous wreck. If I could access this site from my Blackberry, I'm sure I would have posted something very similar to you.

I'm not going to tell you to relax or to even think positively, but I'm going to tell you to not be so hard on yourself.  Let yourself feel what you feel and then let it go. I find that it works for me...maybe I'm scared one second, so I let myself be scared and then I say a prayer and then I try to do something to distract myself and move on!

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know it's going to be okay!

{{Hugs}},
Lisa

[40smama]

Amanda -

as you know we used donor eggs to conceive Noah but I was completely convinced I had miscarried every single time I went to the re's office for ANYTHING - progesterone check or u/s.  It was so stressful!!  I wish I hadn't put myself (and my family) through that but it's totally understandable now that I look back.

Now enough about me:  your worry/stress is completely normal under any circumstance.  It really, really sounds like things are going great w/you & like you said, your baby has a healthy heartbeat - so YEAH!  I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up for worrying - then you'll stress about worrying about worrying - does that make sense??

Hang in there, girl, bless your heart - you take care - jen

[tbeards]

The first trimester is a complete wreck on the nerves. I think that is one of the reasons they say the second trimester is like the honeymoon. In the first trimester, although you don't want all of those scary symptoms (cramps, spotting, etc.), when they don't appear you get scared that you don't feel anything and vice versa. With your history of m/c, it is even more pronounced. I don't really have much to say about that except for the fact that your feelings are completely normal for the circumstances and like the other ppl, you will have more and more concerns as the pregnancy continues. AND, the concerns even are more pronounced once they are born. Hang in there momma! All I can say is that from the posts I have read from you with the other pregnancies, this one is by far different so that has to be a really good sign right?

~t

[Juliaschill]

I know how you feel, I am over 30 weeks and I find myself waiting for that next kick and if it does not come when I think it should I freak, I still look for AF every time I wipe!!!! All I can tell you is that as time goes by the more times during the day everything feels ok and you get to feel happy and excited about the baby that will be coming your way. I am sure that with me only having one loss and you having 5 your are that many more times worried. I know durning the 6 years I was TTC I was a wreck, Hope you can hang in there!!! hugs Julia

[Pum]

I would normally recommend a couple of glasses of wine but that's not an option. Stink.
My fall back approach for anxious thoughts is exercise, exercise, exercise, oh and keeping busy doing things for others.
I really liked someone's advice, it was probably yours, you are pregnant right now, enjoy that moment. Something bad might happen in the future, or not, but that does not change the fact that right at this moment you are pregnant and that is a wonderful thing.

Ignore statistics. There are only two outcomes, baby or no baby, you can't have 50% of a baby. Somehow try and give up control of this situation and trust your body to do the right thing.
Take care.

[prevatt77]

I want to just give you a great big hug because I know exactly how you're feeling.  I felt the same way, but with each ultrasound and each doctor visit, things will start to ease your mind.  I know it's so hard and I would make myself sick over it too.  It' part of the devils job to put negative thoughts into your mind, just trust in God that everything will be okay and it will be.  What time is your ultrasound?  You will be posting wonderful news on the board as soon as you get home.  Wait until you see how big he/she has gotten.  Call me this weekend if you want, I would love to chat with you.

Love Ya Girl!
Debbie

Stay strong and keep that chin up!

[mlb1234]

Ditto for me - ultrasounds were terrifying during my first pregnancy.  I would be almost in a panic waiting in the room for the doctor to come in!!
But try not to worry Amanda - like you said everything has been going perfect this time and there is really no reason to worry.  I really think you have a keeper!!

[usuk]

It is natural to be nervous because it means so much to you. And every scan is like a test you have to pass. But you will be fine. Try and relax. Starting looking at baby stuff or baby names and just be...pregnant. XOX

[oceanv]

I know its redundant to tell you to try to relax, pregnancy is just one loooooong stresser after another, I think its supposed to prepare us for parenthood (this is what i tell myself - get ready for loss of control over everything).

I think the level of stress your are feeling is very normal, I was stressed and I had no losses to make me paranoid of losing the baby with the number of losses you have had to endure I don't see how you wouldn't be worrying about everything.....PLUS you've got pregnancy hormones raging inside you!  in regards to symptoms I didn't have any (other than the nipples) so try not to stress too much about them coming and going.

I'm sure your ultrasound will be great, then you'll start your regular ob appts around 10-12 weeks, they can listen for the heartbeat at those appts so you get that re-assurance (plus you can get your own doppler if you choose), then all the fun stuff begins........ quad testing, to amnio or not, 20 week ultrasound....I'm pretty sure the average pregnant woman (with all the testing we get done) is just one big stresscase until the baby is actually delivered!!

J

[PamelaBee]

She does need hog tied again doesn't she Rachel??  Amanda, you're just going to have to face and accept the fact that you're pregnant girl!  Think ++++++++++++!!!!!
{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}  Pam

[rdh1981]

Oh, wow Baby Cruz  is eating my brain. Sorry about all those typos!!!!!!

[rdh1981]

To be quite honest with you I always a nervous wreck right before my ultrasounds too. I think it is because we just fear the worst, because we have lived the worst. After your u/s you are going to feel so relieved.

The mild cramping feeling is very normal and it is going to last a long time!!!!!!!!

Stop stressing it is not good for you or Baby Amanda Jr.  

Pam and I are much to big to come over there and hog tie you so you better calmed down!!!!!!!!