Tired of being judged!

Question

I am 36 years old and my husband and I are expecting our first daughter in June. My husband and I are both Medics and have been for many years. We endured a full term stillbirth of our son a year and a half ago. I went through grief counceling and had severe insomnia for 11 long months. They're are family members that look down on me and criticize me for not returning to work yet. I got pregnant 1 year after my sons death after trying again for 6 months. I knew that there was an incresed risk for miscarriage if I returned to my ambulance job. alot of heavy lifting and moving patients.Not to mention I am now considred high risk because of high blood press. prob and past history.I am so sick of the comments like "you probably dont remember what a pay check looks like anymore" and "What is your problem, why havent you gotten back to work yet?" My husband and I are perfectly fine financialy and dont ever ask for a dime from anyone. My husband supports me 100%. He wants this preg. to be as healthy as it can be. He knows all to well how difficult his first NICU transfer was after our son died. And going back to work too soon could set me back.I dont know what to say to these family members. Its horrible to have them make me feel like a failure every time I turn around.I am still a medic and have kept up with my certification and will be able to return when I am ready.If anybody can help me out in figuring out how to handle these incesitive family members and all of they're nasty comments, it would be greatly appreciated!

rdh1981 · Answer

This is just so heartbreaking! First of let me say that I totally know what it is like to be in your shoes. June 2008 I gave birth to my beautiful son Cooper, he was born with a heart condition. After many 6.5 weeks and several open heart surgeries my brave man returned home to Heaven. So, with that being sad I know your fear, I know your pain and I just think it is so heartless of others to be so openly cruel.  

I am so happy to hear that you are expecting again! I know you are going to have one loved daughter!!!!! I totally support your decision about not working......the last thing you want is to feel like your little one is in the line of danger.  

Take this time and cherish that little girl in your belly and feel the love  of your precious little Angel watching from above. Try to brush off any unwanted comments and know that you and your husband are doing the perfect thing for your family!!! 

I was lucky like you and conceived my son Cruz about 4 months after my sweet Coop passed away. I knew this was the hand of God touching my womb and telling me everything was going to be okay. Just like you have been touched, you too will be okay! I sent you the link to my page Baby Angels! I am always around if you want to talk!

brownsugabear · Answer

Don't let what ppl say bring you down. Some ppl in this world say nasty things because they are jealous it is not them. I know its easy to say just ignore them and dont let what they say drag you down to their level. But I have had some comments made to me during this pregnacy that has pissed me off. And there was a time I would shrug it off only to find myself more upset later  because I didnt defend myself. All because I didnt want to cause problems because they are family or his family. So I have come to the decision when ppl say some thing to that is totally uncalled for, I call them on it and let them know how I feel. Just because they are family doesnt mean I have to take whatever they say to me. You need to tell everything that coms to mind doesnt need to be said out loud. Because you say doesnt make it true or even worth hearing. I am to the point when ppl say things or give advice about something they have no idea of what they are talking about cause they have never been through it. I let them know I really cant take your advice or comments seriously because you honestly are not an expert on this subject. Til someone walks a mile in your shoes they really stop handing out advice or make comments on your life. Keep your head up chica, you are always going to have someone out there that want you to be as miserable as they are. Take that negative energy and turn it around to something positive and focus it on your lil angel. Congrats and good luck!

blueeyedtabbycat · Answer

I am so sorry for your loss. I dont care how long it takes you too go back to work your family should be supportive, especially since you are pregnant again.  Are you planning on returning to work after you have your baby??? If not you can kindly tell your family that you are preparing for the roll of stay at home mom. I guess if it were me I would have it out with them but then again thats not good for baby for you to get worked up:~( I wish you the best with however you handle them. And again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Hugs, 
Tabitha

adgal · Answer

Reading this just ticks me off.  I can only imagine what it must have been like for you, and you need to handle this your own way.  This whole situation is between you and your husband and is no one else's business.  I only know what it is like to experience first trimester miscarriage, and I got so depressed.  To carry full term and lose a child must be 1000 times worse and you need to work through it in the manner that works for you.  I can completely understand why you feel the need to stay away from work.  I am so sorry you have to experience that and I wish you all the best.

tryingfor6years · Answer

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I seriously can't believe how incredibly insensitive and absolutely rude people can be!! I am so sorry you have had to hear those comments. You are amazing and have experienced a loss that is unbearable....  I can't tell you what I would say or how I would deal with those comments - mostly because they wouldn't be very nice. Distance would be helpful. Focus on YOUR family - you, hubby and wonderful baby. If you want to return at some point go ahead but who cares! Enjoy every moment of happiness!  (big hugs to you!)

melimeli · Answer

I would say I am so lucky to have a wonderful warrior husband that would cross shark infested waters for me that supports me 100%... I wish everyone had a husband as great as mine but I guess I just lucked out!!!

that should shut 'em up!!

marie1210 · Answer

I am impressed with how nice people would be, I guess I'm not that tolerant.  If people are being rude to you, family or not, let them have it!  Tell them to do you a favor and keep their nosy *** out of your business and that if you decide to never go back to work, that is your choice and not theirs.  If they have a problem with this, show them where the door is and tell them not to let it hit em' where the good Lord split em'.  Your child comes first before anyone else and I commend your for doing what you feel you need to.  Geez, the nerve of some people.  This totally rubs me the wrong way, if you can't tell.  I'm so over being PC.

SoCalTricia · Answer

First of all, I know all too well that you have to grieve in your own time, at your own pace, in your own way. You will never stop grieving for your lost child, and people who haven't experienced losing a child have no idea. I can't tell you all of the hurtful things people have said - but I realized from the beginning that they don't know WHAT to say, and they aren't trying to be hurtful, so I just said thank you and moved on. So, in regards to your grieving and not returning to work - you don't owe anyone an explaination. You owe it to your FUTURE child to be as emotionally healthy as you can be, and if you know you can't go back to work, then you don't have anyone to answer to but yourself and your husband.

As far as a new pregnancy and not returning to work - again, it's no one's business. My husband says opinions are like buttholes - everyone has one. So learn a pat answer to people's statements, such as, "Thank you for your input."  Or, "I appreciate your opinion." And leave it at that. Like I said, you owe no one an explaination. Again, I have experience in this. I recently had my tubal reversed and my husband and I are trying for another baby after the death of our son. Pretty much everyone in our families thinks we made a mistake getting the surgery and don't think we should have another baby. I love them and value their opinions...but, like I've told them, they don't know what it's like to be ME. Only *I* get to decide what to do in my life - just like you. And we have to be able to make decisions that WE can live with - not make decisions based on what everyone else thinks is best.

Anyway...good luck with everything. And my sincerest condolences for the loss of your baby. I hope everything works out for you from here on out - you deserve it.

Tricia

mjmom69 · Answer

I'm so sorry for what you have gone thru and I applaud your decision to take care of yourself and your child. I would probably snap at them, especially when I'm pg. But really, you should probably just smile and say "if I'm happy, what do you care!" and walk away. good luck to you and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy!

udbe2 · Answer

I'm sorry that family members are not being supportive.  I am guessing that they have children and they probably did not have any problems having a child.  My sister used to critize me since I was not able to get pregnant and when I did I would miscarry each time.  She would get pregnant even while she was on birth control.  It's hard to ignore negative comments especially when it comes from family and you expect them to be supportive and understanding.  

If possible I would sit down with them and talk with them.  They may understand more and it would possible help keep the comments to themselves.  Let them know that it is upsetting you and your husband.  It's is your choice to go back to work or not go back until after you have this baby.  

I would hope they will understand more once they are educated and cease the negative comments towards you and your husband.  If not it will be their loss and I would focus on what is important to you.  Your husband and soon to be little girl.

bernie40 · Answer

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the unfeeling comments from so called friends and family.  Sadly there are a lot of people in this world who just have to be nasty for the sake of it.  At the end of the day your financial situation, good or bad, is absolutely nothing to do with them.  My own response to them would be "if you have nothing nice to say then please say nothing at all".  You don't need negative people like this in your life so if you are able to avoid them then I would advise that you do so.

You are doing what's best for you and your baby and your husband.  That is all that matters and anyone else can go jump!

Hopefulcb · Answer

I can't believe that people are not more supportive!!  You are doing the best for your baby!  If people arenot supportive when you tell them you are being super careful just tell them your doctor doesn't want you to work because of the heAvy lifting. If you blame it on the Dr, they may understand better and be more supportive.  I think that's what the Dr would tell you anyway if he hasn't already.

Good luck and don't feel guilty about doing everything you can to have a safe pregnancy.

Courtcoop · Answer

Sorry to hear about your loss :-(
I hope someone has feedback for you because for me, when comments were made like that I just ignored everyone, but hard to do.