Want a baby, but so scared after miscarriage!

[Pink_PJs]

Hi ladies,
I got pregnant for the first time at age 39.  I miscarried at 7 weeks.  My health took a turn for the worse afterwards and my periods now are just horrible and long!!  But, my OB can't find any known problems and just said I could take BC pills if I want lighter periods and less cramps.  My cramps get so bad I will actually scream. =(
Anyways, my husband and I really want a baby.  But, we just cannot afford to adopt.  But, we would love to do so.  We talked about trying again to conceieve, but Im so scared, and so is he.  
I am 40 now and at pretty high risk for so many complications.  And I worry my health will get even worse if I suffer another miscarriage.    
We can live without children, but it would  be nice to have a family of our own.   With all of our fears, and health concerns and previous miscarriage, do you think it would be worth it for us to try?  Or should we leave well be alone and enjoy life as a childless couple?  I would love to hear your stories.  
Thank you!

[bluesky22]

Hi there,
Read your story and that is just heartbreaking.  I am so sorry for what you both went through.  It is difficult.  But we are all very strong and please do not give up hope!!  Babies are so precious and there are so many women (and men) that just take them for granted.  The ones that keep breeding and can't take care of the kids but have money for drugs or alcohol or cigarettes!!  Those ppl are just not right! (Sorry going off subject), I just wonder why those ladies can just breed like crazy? Why?  I hate to judge and I know for a fact that we are all put on this beautiful Earth for some reason....... we are...
Please dont give up hope and faith.  Lots of baby dust fo you.....Take care and keep smiling.  :)  

[teachnz]

My dh and i were at the counselor's today and my dh said he made the decision in his mind that we need to try again and have another child, what did I think.....well I thought from his previous statements that the decision was already made to try again and let nature take its course, so of course I agreed.......then my dh said he needed to get it out in the air that he was scared and frightehed about trying again......
for those who haven't read my story, basically we got pregnant last Aug. and in Jaunuary at 22 weeks (5 1/2 months), i went into pre-term labor and delivered a 1 lb baby girl who lived for just 2 hours.....the doctor on call classified it as a miscarriage since it was before the 24th week......my dh and i both got to hold our little girl for a while in the hospital when her heart was still beating and she was alive......it was very traumatic for us.....we buried her a week later....

I was really touched to hear my dh admit that he too had fears about the possibilty of getting pregnant and losing another child.....it is a real "fear", and needs to be addressed by all, but as the counselor said....we can worry about it, or just take it a day at a time and have faith.....

faith to all....baby dust all around, and best wishes.....worrying will not save us the pain or the loss....but will keep us from the joy.....so joy to all.....

[bluesky22]

Sorry no good news for me................Aunt Flo came hopfully for a short stay this time!!!  Tired of the 4-5 week stays!!! Ugh!  
Baby dust on everyone else!!  

[bluesky22]

I have been reading these posts and I know we are all scared and all need to look inside ourself for all of those positive powerful energy that we posess!  Well, I thought that I might be preggers again, but it is just too early to tell.....so I will wait a couple more weeks until I take another HPT.  
To the lady who asked why I have not found another OBGYN, actually, I have been trying to for many months now.  And like I said in my PP, that there are only 2-3 in a vicinity of 50 miles for high-risk group.  None of them belong to my hospital group.  I guess I can try the one that is 25 minutes away.....
Also, I bleed heavily with painful clotting for 3-5 weeks b/c of my fibroids.  (So my doc says).  I also have a thick endometrium so I have been tested and tested for endo cancer.  It comes back negative.  But my dr. for some reason does not want me preggers, she keeps leading me to take the pill or to have a hysterectomy.  She is not compassionate at all!  I told her I m/c on 9/16/09 and she didn't care-----she can be so crass!  Can't stand the lady.... But we still try every time I am not bleeding to conceive, and we will hope for the best every time!   Good luck to all of you ladies as I know that we are all very strong and can handle anything!  I hope to hear some good news from one of you girls soon!!  :)  Take care Pink PJs!!!  And everyone else! :)  baby dust...baby dust....baby dust..... lol

[adgal]

I don't want to speak for Sue (sorry Sue..) but I guarantee she wasn't thinking anything negative at all about you having a few beers the day after.  I would pretty much bet everything I have that that is not how she meant it at all!!  I think she was admiring your strength more then anything...am I right Sue?

As for the medical issues since the M/C.  Yes, periods can be somewhat irregular and changed after a loss.  Often they return to normal in a few cycles.  However, the other issues don't seem like they could be connected??  The only thing I can think of is a hormonal imbalance?

Anyway, I am glad you found support here.  Stick around, it is a pretty fabulous group of women.  Whatever you decide I truly wish you all the best!  

[Pink_PJs]

Sue68-  I know it may sound wrong that I was out to dinner having a beer just a couple days after my MC.  Don't get me wrong I was feeling a bit down, but I had a blighted ovum, this is where no baby is actually formed.  I was just carrying around an empty sac.  So, that made it easier.  However, the sadness seemed to creep in as months went by.  Kinda strange.   Most of my compications were physical.  I still have very very bad periods since my MC and for some reason my vision changed. And not for the better.  I also get more fatigued easier, have breathing problems, palpations, gas pains etc.. and just don't feel quite like myself.  Dr.'s couldn't find anything wrong.  I feel I am really taking a chance here by trying again.  However, eventhough we tried this month..I will prob change my mind  by next month. LOL
Heck, Im freaking out right now thinking I could poss. be PG.  But, I don't think it would of happened that quickly.  Of course I will let everybody know. =)

Adgal- You got a lot of strength girl.  I couldn't imagine what you have gone through.  BUT- All your strength and efforts paid off in the end and you have a beautiful baby.  Thanks for giving me courage!!  Congrats!!

Kristine-Thanks and yes, I will do my best to keep everyone posted. =)

Tryingfor6years- Thank so much and I wish you the best of luck.  I also hope to hear good news from you sometime soon.  It must be so tough going through all of that for such a long time.   I am still overwhelmed how so many of you don't give up.   =)

Bluesky- YOU sound way to much like myself!!  We have A LOT in common!  Even the part of not liking our OB's.  (I got a new one though).   I wish you al the best and let me know if you need someone to talk to.  We can add each other to facebook or something.  

Everyone- Thanks again so much for caring.  It means so much to me!  I think this site is great and offers so much help and support.  Kudo's to Medhelp!  Best wishes to everyone!!!   XOXO

[tryingfor6years]

Pink_PJs, you have a lot of great comments here!!

Loved that you had some Reike done! I have had that done a few times and love it. I also  wanted suggest you may want to look into accupuncture. I have heard a lot of good things about it. My drs office will actually refer patients to an accupuncturist. There are also some studies looking into the benefits.

Good luck... stay positive. I know it's difficult. We've been trying for 6 years, I'm 39 and have done at least 6 IVF cycles ending with a miscarraige in Nov. Moving on to DE and keeping our fingers crossed.

[kristine625]

Pink_PJs,  glad everyone's words helped.  And I'm glad you and DH are "back on it" (HA)!  But seriously,  you can only move forward.  That's the only direction available to any of us.  Reach for that next "exciting" thing and you will find yourself slowly getting back on track.   Intimacy with you husband was a first great step.  Pleeease keep us all posted.  I think that is a huge part of what keeps us all going... hearing from each other and cheering each other on.

Sue68-  Thanks for the positive vibes I'll take it and carry it around in my pocket :)

Adgal-  I looove it!  Yes.  You have to go for number two.  I was wondering when you might consider that :)  Then you would reeeeaaaaly be the true inspiration for all of us.  Seriously, if you decide to go that route, as always, best wishes and let us know.

[adgal]

I am so glad to hear your feeling a bit more positive about things.  You know, after my third loss I was so down I had to get counselling for a while.  It's hard, and part of the difficulty is it seems like such a taboo subject amongst others.  People just don't understand how emotionally painful it is for those of us who are trying so hard to become moms.  On top of that, so many of us seem to put ourselves through so much more questioning everything we did or didn't do during our pregnancies. It's hard to believe we did not cause it, even though we didn't.  I can tell you that it does get better, it really does.  It has never completely gone away, but it has faded.  We are now deciding whether or not to try for a second...I go back and forth.  I want a sibling for my son, but am also afraid it will be the same path as before.  All we can do is move forward.  I am sending lots of SSBD your way, and I hope you stick around the forum.  That way we can celebrate with you when you have that successful pregnancy!  

[sue68]

Pink_PJs,

Hi again, I'm glad that you're realizing you do have strength - I mean out for a beer a couple days later ? I was on the couch in a fetal position bawling my eyes out for quite a while.  I'm glad the excerpt struck a note with you too.  I've been on that "rocking chair" for a long time ( think I inherited from my mom ) .  Fortunately, its curable - just takes a dash of "will".     I checked my notes and I do have the year and author of the article :  it was from Good Housekeeping magazine, July 2009 issue and the author is Geneen Roth.  I only copied those paragraphs but, I had re-read the article a few times before I returned it to the library.   Good luck to you - you've been through a very hard emotional/physical experience.  Its normal for those who've had the same loss before to get nervous and worry before and during pregnancy so expect that WHEN you get pregnant again.  Thankfully there's all these people on MedHelp who've been there, done that, felt that, understand that for you to turn to for support.    We're all here for you when you need us.   Good luck and SSBD to you !

Kristine625  , your time is coming up - keep up that positive attitude.  Lookit Adgal and Prevatt and so many others.  I think we're going to be congratulating you this year too  !   :D

Bluesky22,  maybe you should check why you're bleeding 3 - 5 weeks at a time. Do you have polycystic ovarian syndrome ?  Endometriosis ? Even though you can't stand your OB - I recommend you get a new doctor -  find out the cause.  Its better to find out if you have something you can treat immediately so that you don't just ttc "blindly" and hope for the best.  This bleeding could be holding you back from your baby plans - find out as soon as you can.  Keep us posted and of course, a hearty dose of SSBD to you too as well - as to everyone who is ttc'ing.   Don't lose hope !  

[bluesky22]

Hello everyone! I am new to this forum, and I just want to say that I feel like I understand what you are going through....with only one thing, we already have a DD who is 2 1/2.  We would love to have another, but cannot adopt.  I just turned 40 two months ago (doesn't feel or look like it :) ).  And we (especially me) is scared to m/c again!  It was horrible!!!  Both physically and emotionally, I dont want it to happen again.  I was all alone except for my baby girl.  She stood by me and held my hand as I was on the toilet.  She just thought I was having a bad BM.  It lasted a good 6-7 hours!  And I was on pain killers!  It hurt so bad!  My DD she helped me make it through till my hubby came home.  I didnt even know I was preggers as I was only 5-6 weeks along.  I was feeling quite lethargic during those weeks though so maybe that was a symptom and it did match up to when we had sex last.   I also did not have a D & C because I have horrible fibroids and horrible periods that are just the worst!!!!  My Dr. wants me to go on the pill (or a hysterectomy) but why do I want to do that if we want to get preggers?  And it is weird that there are only (3) High Risk OBGYNs that are in my Tricounty area, none that belong to the hospital group we belong to and are close to.  So I dont know what to do on that end since I cannot stand my OBGYN!  I found out that alot of others do not like her either.....-different subject-.   So, since I am bleeding 3-5 weeks at a time, I have no idea when I am ovulating, so we just have sex when I am not bleeding and just pray for the best.  What a conundrum!  Thanks for listening and I hope you all get pregnant soon and have a happy healthy baby like I do.........Good luck ladies!  I will be praying for you Pink PJs as well as everyone else out there including me......cuz I need it too!  :)

[Pink_PJs]

Wow!  All of you are really hitting a chord with me.  Everytime I read a post I get all teary eyed.  I so admire you for having multiple miscarriages and still having the strength to try again.   My miscarriage was so painful, I felt my insides were going to come out of my body!  However, at the time it happened I wasn't on any pain killers or anything.  I spotted for weeks, then out of nowhere it happened.  The severe pain only lasted maybe 30-45 min and then after all was out- the pain was gone.  I keep a journal and read back and realized that I was out having a beer two days later.  So,I really should tell myself- I handled it, I got through it and I'm okay. =)  
All of you guys do not know how much you've helped me.  My fears have subsided alot and I've been thinking about what each one of you has said & decided that yes, I will try again.   When I my hubby got home from work, he got a big surprise!! LOL   Afterwards, he looked into my eyes and he says to me, "honey I am so proud of you to have the strength to try again & I just love you so much"!!   I was on cloud 9.
I know that it may not happen this month, but you never know.  
All of you deserve a great deal of thanks!!  Please pray for me and my hubby to have a healthy baby.   I hope I can keep up the more positive attitude and not let the fears return.  
I will keep you all informed.....I wish I could hug you!!
Warm Regards to all--

[kristine625]

Nicely said Sue68.  Absolutely perfect!

Adgal, I'm glad you chimed in, I was hoping you would.

Pink_PJs,  I am 39 y/o, 4 m/c, no kids yet.  A friend of mine recently said, "The desire to have a baby far outweighs the fear of having another m/c."  And that's exactly what keeps me on track.  Not trying to oversimplify this complex issue.  But thought I'd mention it.

Also, you might consider this book by Dr. Randine Lewis.  Please get it at the library and dont' spend any money :)  It is called The Way Of The Fertile Soul.  I ended up purchasing it, highlighting a bunch of stuff in it and it is my resource book every day.  

It talks about your energy.  Positive and negative.  Where it comes from, how to direct it in a healthy way for you, etc.   Not tryin' to sell anything here, but going by your previous post, I would not be surprised if you found this book helpful.  Again, try the library first :)

Good Luck!!!

[adgal]

Hi there.  I read your story and I think I have a pretty good understanding of how you feel right now.  I just gave birth to my first child a week before my 41st birthday.  Like Prevatt, I too had 5 m/c (she was a big part of my inspiration to keep trying).  It was awful and it hurt so badly.  But my desire to be a mom was so strong, there was no other choice but to keep going forward.  I was scared too.  You need to try to put some of your fears into perspective.  Is there something in your medical history that makes you think your health will not allow you to care for and nurture a child?  Or are you just worried about your age.  Believe it or not, complications for those of us in uour 40's are really not that much higher then younger women.  I have been a part of this forum for over 2 years now, and very rarely are babies born unhealthy or with problems.  

Only you can decide what you want.  But if what you really want is to be a mom, do not let fear get in your way.  Most of the time it is unfounded and all turns out just fine.  Best of luck in whatever you decide.

[Pink_PJs]

Your message brought tears to my eyes.  The part about  worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair all day and thinking you’re actually going somewhere.  I feel like that IS my life.  I don't know how to change it.  I swear I try.  I've tried getting involved in the church, meds, new jobs, volunteer work..but I still feel that way.
That article sounds wonderful.  I know you said you got the article from a magazine, however is there an author?  Was a book made?  I would be very interested in reading it.   I have read a few self help books, and positive mental attitude books, but they really didn't keep my interest.  They didn't seem to quite hit the nail on the head as this little bit of article which you have shared with me did.  Thank you.
I was thinking about not TRYING to get pregnant..as I did before by getting a fertility kit and all.   And just see if it happens.  If it happens without trying then maybe it really was meant to be.  I guess only time will tell and I have to leave it in the hands of  a "higher power".  Easier said then done--  
Thanks again, the article made me think a little bit more.  Hugs!!

[sue68]

Hi,

Wow that is alot of worrying going on in your mind.  Those have crossed my mind but, very briefly. After two m/c's ,  I try only to focus on getting pregnant and then hoping that it sticks.  I used to be a habitual worrier - still am sometimes - but working at it.   I now try to enjoy the moment , each passing week is a celebration - and look forward to the happy images of holding my baby, outfits to buy, watching him grow etc...etc....

I recently read this article from Good Housekeeping magazine ( borrowed from library don't know year or issue ).- and copied some of the paragraphs that struck a cord with me.  I turn to it often to remind myself - and it somewhat calms the fears.  I copied and pasted them and hope it helps you out too.

" After having devoted a lot of my life to being anxious about things that never came to pass, I’ve finally realized that worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair all day and thinking you’re actually going somewhere. One reason we worry is that we believe if we get there before life does, if we confront an event before it happens, we won’t be knocked over by adversity. If we prepare ourselves for the worst, we think, we’ll know what to do when it occurs.

But just as eating candy doesn’t sweeten our lives, worrying about the future does not prepare us for it. Worrying does, however, make the present utterly miserable. As we recite the mantra of what could happen, we are creating misery over and over – and suffering because of our conjurings….Because imagined events can trigger the same physiological responses as real ones – the racing heart, the rush of adrenaline, the surge of stress chemicals – I live the worse-case scenarios again and again. And while I am busy creating suffering for myself, I am ignoring what is in front of me that is whole, beautiful, and healthy. I leave my life as it really is and enter a nightmare world of my own making.

In a true emergency, you know what to do. If there’s a flood, you move to higher ground. I’ve lived through….Not one of them had ever been part of my Things-to-Worry-About litany, and yet in each circumstance, I knew exactly what was required of me, and did it. That’s how I came to realize that I needn’t have spent so much time and energy mentally rehearsing for things that might not happen – that I could have been using that time and energy to take in all the wonderful things right I front of me that  I didn’t see because I was too busy worrying. Which led me to begin my Antidote-to-Worrying practice: noticing, on a daily basis, everything that I don’t have to worry about. Everything that is already fine, vibrant, thriving. "  

I think you believe your Reiki reading and all these "signs" that you've suddenly been getting - too many to be a coincidence.  Don't let your fears, imagined or real , stop you from your dream.  Take inspiration from all the women who have posted their losses but who haven't given up ,  the women with their happy endings , and also the women who are presently going through problems with their pregnancies but, are keeping strong despite feeling discouraged.  There are so many to draw strength from.  I think you will find the courage to face whatever happens - but, don't imagine or worry about them in advance.   Just start by believing in yourself and then believing those signs are telling you to go for it.    Good luck !  

[Pink_PJs]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words.  I am so horribly torn right now.  My mind set was a definate NO WAY for almost 10 months now!  Until, just a couple weeks ago.  
I know it sounds dumb, but I got a reiki reading (think that is what it was called) and the medium told me that she see's me conceiving very soon.   I was sorta thrown back by that.  But, since that reading, strange things have been happening.  A friend I haven't seen in years told me that I need to try one more time and that she see's me with a healthy baby boy.   Then my sister brings up the same conversation with me a day later.  I visit a website and this ad pops up with this cute baby boy on it.  I go to the movies today and there was this preview for a movie called Babies.  There has been a few other things too..and it's somewhat eerie..but maybe these are all signs?  But prob just a coincidence!?!
I am so scared..I have so many what if's.  What if I miscarry? die?  What if my health gets so bad I cannot care for a baby?   Will I really be able to give birth?  I fear going for my yearly..yet alone giving birth?  See gals, so much to consider here.  I sure wish the husbands could give birth!!  Sigh*    What if I  feel my life will never be complete because I didn't have a child? Will I always feel so sad if I don't?  
I have alot to think about-------

[bernie40]

Hi, I just posted the very same question on another forum!  Although my story is slightly different as I do already have 4 children.  I was so shocked when I discovered at 12 weeks that my baby had stopped growing at 7wks 3 days and I had to have a D&C (25th Jan), I then got an infection and it's only been this last week that I've finally felt well, although I'm still spotting.  The pregnancy wasn't planned as such (we weren't taking precautions and were saying "if it happens it happens").  When I first had the D&C all I could think about was starting again but now I'm full of apprehension as I know that another situation like that would really mess me around in the head.  In my head I keep saying I'll give it 6 months, if I'm not pregnant by then then I'll stop.  I can't help being scared though, the emotional pain of losing a baby is so hard.  A very big part of me wants another child, I feel like this is my last chance and I don't want to turn round in a couple of years and say "i wish I'd tried".  The apprehension of another miscarriage is normal and I keep telling myself that.  As the others have said, don't give up hope but if you truly feel that the risk of a miscarriage outweighs everything else only you can make that decision.  Good luck hun in whatever you decide xxx

[sue68]

Hello Pink PJs and Babydust2009,

As prevatt77 said - don't give up hope.  I was 40 when I first got pregnant, sadly m/c'd. I had irregular periods before that pg - average 45 days between cycles.  After that I "rebooted" and had a 35 day cycle.  I got pregnant again 6 months later - but m/c'd that one too.  The first loss was much harder because we never expected to get pg and were so excited. I was afraid to try again, to go through all the pain again.  I had lost hope.  I discovered the m/c forum on MH and asked someone who had had 3 m/c's how she went on and she said that the desire to be a mom was stronger.  Her strength inspired me. That girl recently gave birth and she had had 5 mc's also.
  
As for me, I'm 41 and now 19 weeks/2days pregnant and so far so good ( touching wood ).  Of course, experiencing just one m/c changes you , makes you more prone to worry - esp. when you're conscious about your age.   But I wanted a baby so bad and that settles some of the fear.  Don't give up hope both of you, there are so many women I met on the m/c forum who are now on the Pregnancy 35+ forum - giving others hope with their success stories and happy endings.  Don't stop believing that it could happen to you  too - I'm going to use a Forrest Gump'ism - and say :  just pick a chocolate and bite in - you might just like the centre filling !  :D  
Good luck - SSBD to you both and may we see your happy announcements soon !  :)

[slmcgaughey]

I agree with prevatt. It is soooo  worth it.  Six years ago, after a failed first marriage, I met my soulmate. One problem.  His parents were told when he was an infant that he would never father a child of his own, that it wouldn't be medically possible.  We just accepted that as fact.  After five years of marriage, we suddenly found we were spontaneously pregnant.  For a whole eight weeks. Then the heartbeat stopped and our dream ended in a D&C.  We were both devistated.  He wouldn't even say the word baby or try again.  I still wanted to give him his dream.  So I tried again, terrified the whole time that the first was just a fluke.  I am now 26 weeks.  I was totally paranoid the whole first trimester and in the doctors office about every two weeks, listening to the heartbeat to reassure myself he was still there. My doctor was so patient, bless his heart.  Now I can feel him move on my own and it is a little better.  DH is over the moon. He talks to my belly several times a day, and kisses him good morning and good night, and even send him text messages.  I can't wait for the day that I can see the look on his face the first time he gets to hold his own son in his arms.  It will all be sooooo worth it.

[cc1972]

i'm 37 with a 15 yr old son, who's been ttc since the fall. i had one pregnancy that i lost before it was officially confirmed by a doc, then another pregnancy that ended with first a miscarriage of one, then several weeks of sickness and an emergency d&c in the first trimester back in the beginning of dec. the docs said twins.

it has been difficult to get through the pain, but i am trying again this month after a break to get healthy again. i am scared to lose another baby again but would be sadder if i stopped now.

life is a rocky road. i think you shouldn't stress (bad for ttc) and do what feels right for you. in the end that's the only thing that matters. wishing you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[prevatt77]

Ladies,

Don't give up hope.  I was 41 at delivery with my son.  I had 5 miscarriages prior to him and I was determined to have a child, it was painful with every loss, but I wasn't going to give up.  I went and seen and RE and he told me not to give up, that I was just having bad luck and not getting a good mature egg.  He started me on Clomid and the next cycle I was pregnant and my son is healthy as can be.  Please if this is what you truly want, continue to follow your dreams and your heart and it will happen for the two of you too.

[babydust2009]

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I got pregnant at 41 lost baby at 6wks 2day and now we are trying again. Had to have a d&c in Sept rt before we went to hawaii for our honeymoon. Now we still are not pregnant yet. Im taking BBT, doing OPK's hopeing this month , but I have a feeling its not going to happen. Im am at a every 32 day cycle. You know with adoption you can get help from the state, and its a pretty big amount plus a right off on taxes. I am ready to either to adop or go see fertility Dr.. Since my d&c my body does not seem rt. rt after AF leaves i have this constant dull pain on my rt side not sure what thats about.. Try for a little bit longer and then decided what ur next option is. I will be 42 in June time is running out for me.. Well I wished you and your DH the best of luck an lost of Baby Dust your way.. Im sorry for you loss. I just believe God has a plan for us . The baby's that we lost is for a reason you never know it could have been sick and you wouldnt want that.. God Bless you and your Hubby..... Mary...:)