Avatar universal

deep questions/feelings after missed miscarriage

Hi, I just found out I had a missed miscarriage on 5/8/12.  Had my D&C this morning and boy are they right about hormones, Im def up and down with feelings.  

I hope someone out there can relate to my feelings/deep emotions so maybe myself and others could possible overcome some of the bumps in the road to recovery faster.

Let me say first off that I am 36yrs old and I have a beautiful 8 year old boy already from a prevous marriage that ended when my son was only 1.  I just got remarried in Sept 2011.  I found out I was pregnant in March after the first try with my new husband which would have been his first child. I was 3 1/2 weeks.   I had a sono at 6 weeks and everything was perfect, measured great, heartbeat, all good.   I actually was very intuned with my body and started to not feel right (not pregant anymore) at 8 weeks and called the dr and they made me a appt for 9 weeks and told me that it was very normal that my beasts could clam down with soreness and cramping that I had would subside at this time in pregnancy. (Those were the only symptons I had through the whole pregnacy.) But I dont think I ever worried more in my life.  Went in last week and they gave me sono and it showed the baby and strong heartbeat but the growth was off by 1 week. Should have showed 9 weeks and it showed 8 weeks. I just knew that wasnt good. They tried to reasure me that it very well could have been the computer spitting out 1mm off in size and that everything else looked great. I could not shake the bad feeling I had.  Sure enough they made a appt for me for this past tues (5/8/12) and the sono tech and myself did not see the heartbeat.  Baby only surived till 8 weeks 4 days. I would have been 10 weeks. Just the image alone of the baby on the sono sticks in my head. Horrible!!!!

So let me get into the emotions now.  I am a big beliver of faith and god. I had a very early natural miscarriage 5 years ago with a unplanned pregnacy with a previous boyfriend and I knew it was not the right timing and I feel god took care of that for me.  I never looked at it in any other way. I know that this time, it must not have been healthy and god once again spared me and my family. I know its not my fault. I know everything happens for a reason.  Dont get me wrong, I wonder a little this time only cause it really was the perfect timing for our family.  I am off from work for the next year with pay, (cant get any better then that for timing.) I wonder why my son had to be hurt in all of this. If it wasnt the right timing or it wasnt healthy, then why get me pregnant in the first place??  I know there is a reason for it, just havent got the answer yet. Anyway, So I tried talking with my mom and husband about why I dont want to talk to anyone but I want to know what they are saying when  they talk to people for me.

I explained that I feel like a failure to myself, my husband and my son.  I feel like a failure to his family. That he married someone that failed him.  I told him I would feel stupid seeing anyone right now also becuase I feel embrassed as well. Looking at everyone that has 2,3, 4 kids etc..Im not jealous, just feel like Im a failure.
Me asking what people are saying is cause Im hoping to hear anyone tell  him, "tell her not to worry that we dont need to have kids, that our marriage is great the way it is" or "so what, life doesnt always have to include kids" or "we have Ryan (my son) and he completes the family" etc... Just something  that would help me face everyone and not feel like a disappointment or pressure that everyone is thinking or going to tell us that we can try again and it will happen, we will get another child, not to worry, etc. I dont want to hear that.

I dont know if it will happend for us, I dont know if my anixisty after this will allow me to not worry myself into a panic if I was to get pregnant again. I cant and dont want to answer anything at this point.  We have tests on the tissue getting done to check for gentic chromosones. I am 36, already this time around was treated so differently beucase of my age, so many worries. They really have a way of freaking you out the darn drs. Im not OLD!  But after 35, its a whole other ball game and Im sure everyone can relate.

The other thing is I alwasy felt I knew my body. My body never let me down, my body without losing a part of ourselves in the process. was strong etc. Now becuase of this I feel so uncertain and not in control of myself, broken. Thats a very uneasy feeling for me.

As much as we want to be comforted by our family and friends, I dont feel we do cause we look for detailed info, people who can relate without talking around things, being direct and not having our own emotions get in the way.  
Does anyone else have the same feelings about things after the fact like I do? If so, how do you deal?  
Thank you for reading and Im sorry for anyone who has had to experience this.  I pray for all of us to get through it
without losing a part of ourselves in the process.

6 Responses
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377493 tn?1356502149
First please let me say that I am so very sorry for what you have been through, and for what you are still going through.  I'm also very glad you found a safe place (here) to let those emotions out.  This forum got me through some pretty rough times and I can tell you that there are many here who understand.

Your feelings and emotions are so very normal and so very common.  Losing a pregnancy is a difficult thing - always so many questions that remain unanswered, feelings of unworthiness and of course that deep sense of loss.  I know that I too felt, and still sometimes feel if I am being punished for something.  Often I also feel inadequate as a women.  So know that you are not alone.

I had 5 losses before having my amazing beautiful son.  Since his birth a little over 2 years ago, I have lost 3 more.  4 of those losses required d&c's.  I think that mostly it just takes time to heal.  I think that part of the problem around miscarriage is that as women, we are often encouraged to keep it to ourselves.  I always felt guilty mourning, and remember "helpful" people telling me that "it wasn't really a baby, not yet".  People seemed uncomfortable when I did want to talk about it.  And I think some just thought I had plain lost my mind, not able to understand why I was in such a deep state of grief for children never actually born.  So I think all of that makes it even more difficult emotionally.

I'm not ashamed to say that I did eventually turn to counseling for help.  I'm not saying you need that at all, just that there are places to turn if you feel you need it.  And please, post here as often as you wish or need to.  So many truly do understand.  It's a sad club so many of us belong to, but at least we don't have to go through it alone.

I wish you peace and healing.
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Avatar universal
Thank you and I am also so sorry for your losses as well.
I hope me confronting what I wish I could hear frm people or not talking to anybody right away for the reasons I posted above, Im not making it worse for myself.
Helpful - 0
377493 tn?1356502149
There is no right or wrong way.  Take your time, mourn, work through those feelings.  You may never want to talk about it all and people will have to respect that. But time does help.  Right now just do what is right for you.
Helpful - 0
1907180 tn?1329450777
I want to offer you my condolences.  It is a most difficult time that you are going thru.  I  had a missed miscarriage in August and it was twins. They were 9 weeks 5 days. I ended up having to have a DNC.
We waited a month and tried again. Didn't take long and I was pregnant again. We were so excited.  But.... It ended up being a blighted ovum and I had another DNC in December. We have been trying to get pregnant again, and so far no luck. We are not giving up yet. Fertility doctor says sometimes you have to keep on trying until you get the right egg. As we get older our egg quality goes down. I just turned 40 and we have been trying for over 2 years to have a baby. My husband and I have no children.
Hang in there.  Hopefully you will get pregnant again and it will be a good egg and a healthy pregnancy.  
I find I have good days and I have bad days. I am not looking forward to mothers day. I should have been a mother this year! It breaks my heart and makes me so sad that I am not.  I have decided to stay home that day and ignore everyone. I need to protect myself.  Sometimes we have to do things for ourselves.
I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been to tell your son of your loss.  My heart for a out to you.  I find this group has been wonderful! Really helped me thru so much.  I find it helps to talk to others that have give thru what I am going thru, and how they cooed with it and knowing that you an work thru it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Helpful - 0
1017834 tn?1443014123
I am so sorry for your loss. I am 44 yrs old with 3 blessings and my husband has 3. I come here with my vents or happy times and everyone is great. Well as I speak I am going through a m/c myself right now I had every pregnancy system except for morning sickness my poor husband experienced that for me. Well up to my 8 wk mark which was Mothers Day everything stopped I had really bad menstrual cramps that night it went away then I started spotting just when I wipe. I had a dr's appt. that morning he did a pap and found I had bleeding that was light pink and brownish so he sent me to lab to have sonogram and ultrasound well tech said she couldn't find anything but 5  darn fibriods again which i had surgery for before she even check outside my uterus still no baby. I woke up this morning went to restroom I have red bleeding as if i've started my cycle i'm feeling so disappointed right now just when i thought i couldn't get pregnant from a TR it took me 2yrs and 10 mths to get pregnant with no meds and now to have it taken away.This morning I've been waiting on dr's office to call no call yet I hate waiting. I had one m/c before my tuba ligation then one after IVF then another 9 mths after TR and now this one. I pray you all have better results than this babies are a beautiful blessing when you have wonderful family to bring them in I don't know how many more times I will try. We are getting to old my heart goes out each of you for your blessings.
Helpful - 0
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