Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

How did you know that having a 2nd child was the right thing to do?

Sorry if this seems a no brainer but lots of emotions are playing here.

My DH and I have been together for 9 years. We knew 100% we wanted children. We went through infertility treatments for our first son and we absolutely have zero regrets. Financially it's tough but not impossible (it's the childcare that is expensive). But emotionally, we had the worse time ever for the first 1.5 years. We almost wound up divorced and we did wind up in marriage therapy.

We did have some better days, ups and downs. I found out I had untreated PPD/PPA. He had untreated ADHD (severe). He finally went on meds after a long battle of it. The problem is before he went on it, our marriage therapist stopped our sessions saying we were unfixable. So we 'failed' marriage therapy.

That was his wake up call and he got serious about getting treatment. We have always tossed around the 2nd baby idea but with all of the above, we were reluctant.

Well now the issue is back on the table and I'm torn on what to do. In theory, I do want a 2nd child but honeslty, the first year was horrible/rough. Although I did go through a lot of sickness with my son and that didn't help. But the marriage thing wasn't easy.

So here we are again with deciding what to do. DH is all for it. I'm scared including I have zero clue how we are going to afford child  care for 2. He says "well if we worried about money, we wouldn't have had our first child." And that to me, is not true. He's paying for child care but that's it. Neither of us have much to spare and if we do, it's for backup for emergencies.

I don't want to overhwelm myself, ruin things, make it worse for our son. We love him and he's great. We both agree the first year is HARD and we've learned a lot to do things differently.

But is a 2nd the right thing to do?
10 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Sometimes I think siblings are over-rated. I have two brothers. I was close to one of them growing up and not at all to the other. I am MUCH closer to my two best friends (whom I consider to be my sisters).  I have helped them, they have helped me...I can't imagine that a biological sister would be any closer to me than they are (interestingly, one of my sisters is an only child and was unable to have children herself so devotes herself to helping others...my other sister has several step/half siblings and only has contact with one).

The baby I am carrying now is quite a bit younger than her siblings (nearest in age is a 10 year old 1/2 sister...all the others are age 19-21) so she will in essence be functionally an only child. The upside is that she will have the full breadth of our resources (financial, physical and emotional) devoted to her- this mean we can afford to send her to private school if we choose, can afford all sorts of activities that we couldn't with our older kids (our earnings capacity is MUCH higher now than it was when they were younger)...I think she will be too busy to notice that she doesn't have a sibling near her in age...
Helpful - 0
803938 tn?1403748253
I am in the same situation but my husband is very reluctant to having a 2nd child so I am getting used to the idea my son will be an only child.

It took us 4 years and 3 miscarriages to finally conceive our little boy (he is 14 months old now), so I know even if I were to try for a 2nd one, that would very hard to get and stay pregnant.

We also got some couple problems after our boy was born, my husband went into post-partum depression (yeah it happens to 25% of men!). We have been together for 8 years now and it was touch and go for a little while, we also went to see a marriage counselor. He got treated, it is not perfect but getting there. He had a bunch of bad things happening at once: job, health at the same time our boy was born and he got overwhelmed.

My baby has no cousin and will never have any. I have 18 cousins myself and barely speaks to only one of them... so not sure cousins really matter?

I do have one sister... but I have not seen her in 4 years, we live in very opposite countries, me in the US and her in the Middle East... we can only meet in France: I was there in May and she was there in July - sigh! We'll try to meet next year. At least I can call her if I have problems, she'll always listen.

I am 42 and he is 49, he thinks he is too old and he has serious health issues. But mostly he thinks a 2nd child would be too much stress for him and he does not handle stress very well. I travel overnight quite a bit and him being alone with 2 babies at night could be very hard.

My baby is very social and very sweet with other children so I hope he'll manage OK as a single child. I have already decided he will join the Boy Scouts so he can have a base of friends lol!

Good luck with your decision, it's a very hard one!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@expecting--that is exactly what I'm dealing with now. I'm an only child and my parents are elderly and well, dying. I dont' even have extended cousins that I'm close to. For one, they were all 15+ years older than me and two, family fighting caused everyone to disband/not speak to each other. Once may parents die, that's it. But it's also the inbetween part. I have to plan and help out with everything by myself plus take care of my life/family. Driving them to the hospital, getting their meds, making hospice arrangements (when the time comes), worrying about what to do if one of them is left behind (different issues for each of them). And it's like really? By myself I have to juggle three lives? It's too damn hard.

We'll see. I'm just so 50-50 about it. I just wish something would move to the more positive to help with a decision.
Helpful - 0
1655861 tn?1332952834
It took me 8 years to decide if I should have another child, or rather convince my ex to have one more. When I was ready and he said yes it wasn't easy to get pregnant. Then we realized how much we really wanted it! I have two daughters now. The most important factor for me was to know that when I pass away they will have each other to support, to spend holidays with, to help out with each others kids etc. I know too many lonely people in this world with no family to turn to. Nobody closer to  your heart than your own kids and siblings <3 10 years difference and they get along just fine :-) It will seem less once both of them are all grown up. It's hard financially, yes, sometimes you have to ask family to help, go ot and research other resources. Sometimes work from home or changing the shift you work can solve a problem like that. I can assure you that you will not regret and the second child is so much easier to raise <3  It's worth it!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi!  I'm not sure if I can help, as it's your decision, and you have to make it for what's right for you. I have a 19 month old son and I'm due with my little girl in two weeks. I planned each pregnancy. I really wanted my son to have a sibling, but I'm 36 and my husband is 49, so I knew I wanted them to be close in age. Financially it's going to be hard. Childcare is so expensive, but I sat down and figured out a budget that we could realistically live with. We are just going to really have to watch our spending. Also, this pregnancy had been a lot harder than my first. I work 10 hour days and then I have my 19 month old to come home to. When I was pregnant before, I could come home and rest after work. Not this time. It's really really draining. It's caused some arguments between my husband and I because I don't feel that he can understand what all I'm trying to do. Anyway, with all the stress, exhaustion, and arguing, I wouldn't change it. I'm so excited to meet my little girl. And my son loves other kids, so I can't wait to give him a sibling. You do need to choose what's best for you, though. A baby never fixes problems in a relationship. I think it makes a relationship more work. That's just my way of thinking, though. Good luck!  And you will figure out what's best for you and your family.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for the answers, ladies. It's a very tough decision even down to if everything was perfect, I just am not sure if I can handle it.

I think part of it is I do A LOT (like a lot of moms). I work, run errands, pay the bills, keep the house together, deal with his problems (his ADHD makes like impossible at times), take care of the 2 year old and now taking care of my parents who are BOTH ill. The biggest thing in the way is my job. I do all of that and work 8+ hours including 1 hour each way commutes. It's at times, beyond overwhelming. I have zero time for me to regroup my thoughts, rest, be in silence that is much needed. I just dont' know if I can handle a 2nd one.

The concept--absolutely. Aidan has made my life worth living. He's beyond words amazing. I would love to see him with a sibling, etc. I think he would be an excellent big brother!!! (he's a great helper already).

I already made up my mind to stay on Prozac no matter what. DH isn't happy about that decision if I get pregnant but honestly, looking back, I couldn't function without it (as sad as it sounds).

@ChristineMP--you're absolutely right. I just am so drained with the therapy since he's stubborn as a rock. It took 10 years for him to recognize his ADHD and actually do something about it and he's still having reservations on accepting the diagnosis. It's hard to be further along in healing/open mindness that is required for counseling than your partner.

I just dont' want any regrets like Adgal said. IF I did wind up staying together I want to make sure that I will be fine knowing that I made a solid decision to have just one child even if our marriage turns around.

All I know is that being an only child, it totally sucked and was lonley. But then again, I wasn't a social diva like my 2 year old. :) Still debating. Maybe after this vacation I'll get clarity on next steps.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You might want to consider going back into marriage counseling with another counselor, especially now that some of the medical issues have been addressed.

I wish you the very, very best. I think with there still being some relationship issues...and the additional financial issues...I am leaning toward I think y'all should just focus on strengthening your relationship and raising your little boy.
Helpful - 0
1068361 tn?1290628159
We too are considering having another child, but I'm really not sure. My husband isn't sure either. God, I wish this was an easier decision and being older I feel like it's now or never! Hoping more people share their thoughts and feelings!
Helpful - 0
377493 tn?1356502149
Hey girl!!!  First off I want to say... so great to see you posting here again!  And, I have to admit, kinda excited about the prospect of trying for no. 2 the same time as you.  

Ok, so let's start with the marital challenges you faced after sweet Aiden was born.  You know what I have found out?  More then 1/2 of couples go through that.  Think about it...all the stress women like us went through just trying to conceive.  It can put a strain on things to begin with right?  I know it did for DH and I.  Add to that lack of sleep, going back to work, and yeah, financial strain (might as well be realistic...it's tough) and you have a recipe for tough times.  And, if memory serves me, (and I don't mean to bring up painful stuff) but you were also dealing with your mom being ill weren't you?  Plus some of your own medical problems?  Of course things got strained.  Being new parents is tough, and I hate it when people pretend otherwise.  Yeah, of course we love our boys and wouldn't change a thing, but it's still darned hard.  The point is though, you got through it.  You are committed to each other and Aiden, and you love each other.  You did what you needed to do. Just about every couple who is honest needs a little counseling sometimes.  We are only human right?  I'll be honest, we have the same issues.  We argue over two things and two things only...him being a slob and money.  But we too work through it.  I now look at arguments as a form of communication.  As long as we stay on topic and don't make it nasty, that is really what it is.  So I totally believe you would get through it again.

As for another.  Well, again, for those of us who went through so much to have the first, it's a tough decision to make.  I know that I am not excited about the prospect of going through so much emotional turmoil again.....but then I look at Ryder and know it was worth it.  And I know you feel the same way.  I also know I would feel that way about a second.  And, if I look deep down inside myself, I know that the window of opportunity is closing, and if we don't try, I will always regret it.  For me, that was the deciding factor.  On the money side...somehow I just think we make it work.  Within reason of course...if you truly believe you can't make if work financially, then the responsible thing is to not.  But do you really think it's impossible?  Or are you scared?  You know I don't mean that in a mean way, just that you have to really figure out where your hesitation lies, and go from there.

There is nothing wrong with stopping at one child. You have an amazing, healthy, beautiful little boy that you fought tooth and nail to have.  I guess what I am saying is, follow your heart.  The answer is there. Look forward into the future and ask yourself if you will regret not having another.  You know what's right for you, you just have to listen to yourself, know what I mean?

Whatever you decide, wish you all the best as always.  XOXO
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh and our marriage therapy issues are more or less we are opposites. My issues are I'm very project management, introverted, organized, and a planner. He's Mr. Fun, ADHD, he won't admit he's wrong, etc. So a lot of it has to do with verbal fighting. My issues with him are money, being a slob. He's working on it. He says he's annoyed with my mountain out of mohill thinking, worrying ,etc. We have curbed emensely the fighting around our son because he's too important to us. But still, like any couple, we still have arguments.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Pregnancy 35 and Older Community

Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.