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1091636 tn?1262542642

Best option...or selfishness?

alright... this is my first time posting on here... but i have a question for anyone that would like to answer...
i am 18 and about 11 weeks pregnant. the father of the baby is in the Navy, somewhere in Virginia, and not in the picture.
after the initial shock, my family is beginning to become more and more excited about it. but i, on the other hand, am not sure i can give this baby the best home in the world. i am considering giving the baby up for adoption, but i'm scared of the reaction of my family. this will be my mother's first grandchild, and she is the main source of the excitement. am i being selfish, or what?
i know i should have thought this all through before i decided to have sex, and i wish i could have taken it back, but i try to live my life with no regrets.
what do i do, and where do i go from here?
35 Responses
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202436 tn?1326474333
I am so glad you have opted to keep the baby, though had you chosen adoption you would have been commited one of the most selfless acts a mother could do.  I am sure will you not regret your decision regardless.  Having your mother there to support and help you is going to be a tremedous help.  When I had my oldest I screwed up a LOT in the beginning, I had spent my whole life taking care of others and chose to be selfish, my mother stepped in and helped with my daughter.  Though I regret doing the selfish things i did I am so thankful that my mother was there to take care of my child until I came to my senses.  Becuase of this my oldest is a bright, thoughtful, sensitive young lady.  She gets straight A's, has tons of compassion, loves animals and is a very well behaved child, ,even considering her teenage drama/attitude.  I do NOT regret keeping her, i DO regret not being there more for her first few years.  
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1057060 tn?1266513126
im so excited for you! thank you to everyone that responded to me on here too!! good luck to everybody!
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1081583 tn?1256489721
congrats!!!! thats awesome :) i kno your goin to be a wonderful mother...good luck for ur 9mths!!
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719902 tn?1334165183
Thinking of you, sweetheart, and I think you made the best decision.  You will not regret it; your child was meant to be!!  ((hugs))
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873692 tn?1337275733
congrats and have a safe pregnancy i am very happy for you and proud that you have made the decision to keep the baby it is a very rewarding job i love being a mom i have a 4 yr old and pregnant again of 33 weeks good luck and let us know what the ultrasound says
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1091636 tn?1262542642
well, i went to the doctors yesterday, hoping for an ultrasound, but we just listened to the baby's heartbeat and got a million prescriptions for a million different things...
BUT..... i do go back Friday for an ultrasound and an early Down Syndrome Screening. i'm very excited to see how much my baby has grown!

once again, thank you all for the loving. kind words and good luck to all of you as well! (:
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1085681 tn?1280176627
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad your going to keep the baby, after reading about the fertilty problems that you and the man had. I was thinkin to myself that God has an untimely sense of humor. But I'm very glad you decided to keep it, Lord knows its going to be a hard road but I think you can do it.
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796506 tn?1370188305
Happy and healthy nine months! I am glad you decided to join the mommy community! And let us know how your ultrasound goes today!
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505857 tn?1329681517
Well done i am so happy for you, parents are fantastic at times and i knew you and your mother would sort things out, a happy and healthy 9 months to you!!
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1091636 tn?1262542642
thank you so much, Ashelen! (:
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1035252 tn?1427227833
I am so glad you have made a decision; not knowing what you're going to do is so scary. You are going to be a fantastic mom, you have made some difficult decisions and you've got your head in the right place. I am so happy that your family is supporting you through this and I wish you a very happy and healthy 9 months. Bless you, your baby, and your family and Good luck! You'll have to update us as things progress!!
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1091636 tn?1262542642
thank you guys so much for every word of encouragement.

i have talked this over with my mother for the last couple days, and have decided to keep this baby. we may not be he richest people on the block, but we have love and support to fill in the gaps.

No matter what it takes, i WILL give my child(ren) the best i have to offer. i do have a very well paying job that i have been working at for 2 years, and i have just recently been promoted to manager.

My mother is here to support me with raising this child, and i have become more and more excited about this as the days go by. i go to the doctors tomorrow for an ultrasound, and my mother and twin sister are coming along as well.

i wish the best of luck to worrieddd612. i hope you make the best decision for not only you, but your baby as well.

thank you all for the wonderful support! <3
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200198 tn?1259887597
Just by the way you are talking I think that you come across as a very responsible person. I really think that once you start feeling your baby move and see the baby on ultrasound you will fall so deepley in love you will do whatever it takes to have this baby and be it's mother. I could see if you were homeless had no family to help or support you then you probably should give the baby to some one who could take care of it but to me it sounds like you would be a wonderful mother and your family sounds like they would do whatever they could to help....and when that baby is born and put into your arms there may be NO WAY you can part with it. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out. I hope you keep your baby and that you both are so happy!! <3 <3
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363110 tn?1340920419
I think all the other ladies have offered wonderful advice.... Here's the way I see things.

A father isn't someone who donates sperm, or helps to conceive a child.

A father is someone who helps RAISE that child wether it carries his genetics or not. There are ALL types of mothers and fathers out there... including loving aunts and uncles, grandparents, strangers even who choose to raise and give a home to a child.

I think its wonderful that your considering all your options, and especially great that the man you love is willing to consider being with you and helping you through all this.

Prayer is going to be what helps you know gods true purpose.

I'm 22 and when hubby and I were 21, we found out that the baby boy we were carrying had down syndrome. A total shock! but we knew that it wasn't something given to us without thought. Our son, now a beautiful 14mo old has made us closer, our marriage stronger and made both of us stronger people/parents.

We are glad he picked us to have our lil man. And in that same way I believe god has a purpose for you, that baby and the man in your life.

Good luck and I hope no matter your decision that things turn out wonderfully!
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1057060 tn?1266513126
thank you so much ashelen!
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384896 tn?1335294331
If you think you should give your baby up for adoption in thought of not being able to provide for it, then it's the best thing to do. That baby is gunna have needs and if you can't meet them, then good for you for realizing that and doing what's best for it.

Don't be afraid of how your family reacts.
If you do decide to put it up for adoption, and they get angry with you, remind them that they're not gunna be the ones whose gatta raise that baby. You are, and you feel that you're not gunna be able to meet with everything that the baby is gunna demand.
Unless your mother will meet up with everything that you cannot, then tell her you're sorry, but it's just not your time for a child.
There will be a right time and place for another grandchild for her. Right now it just wasn't meant to be.

I kinda understand how you feel.
I was 18 when I got pregnant with my daughter, and now I'm having a baby boy on my 20th birthday this November 16th.
It's very hard being a young parent.
We still live with my hubby's parents cuz we can't afford to get our own place right now.
My family is 1800 miles away from me and can't really do much to help me.

It's very hard and I hope that whatever decision you make, it's what YOU feel is right.
I didn't want to keep the baby that I'm having, but in fear of how my family would act, I decided to stay pregnant, and keep him when he's born.
And I will say that after 9 months of pregnancy with this baby, I've grown very attatched to him and am looking forward to his arrival.

You have a long pregnancy ahead of you, so don't jump the gun just yet.
Think hard and clear on everything. Make a list of the Pro's and the Con's and see which one is longer.
Don't make a decision if you feel unsure. You don't wanna give it up for adoption, and once it's too late, regret it and wish you had kept it. And you don't wanna keep it, and later regret it and wish you'd given it to a deserving family.

You're 18. You're an adult.
Being a young parent is very hard, I'm not gunna lie.
But it has it's good points like you won't be a shriveled up prune by the time they're grown and outta the house. And you'll still be somewhat young and get to go out n have fun.
But there's also pro's to waiting for a child like, finishing school, getting a career going and a stable household beforehand, instead of worrying about it when the baby's already here.

Some people are lucky enough to be young, finish everything they need to and have kids all at the same time. lol
Not me, but we're managing and are very fortunate to have hubby's parents to help fill in the holes as we go along.

Good luck and keep us posted!
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1035252 tn?1427227833
At least you guys are being realistic about it! I really hope that everything works out between you and the guy you love; sounds like he's a keeper if he's willing to be daddy to somebody else's baby, so I would do whatever I could to stay with him and try to raise your baby with him and become a family. Prayer and thought is all you can do for now...good luck and I'll send some prayers your way too!
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1057060 tn?1266513126
i have brought it up--he's willing but he cant make guarantees because he doesn't know where God is leading him in his life. so i dont know. :( oh well we'll keep praying.
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1035252 tn?1427227833
I hope if he loves you it would not be a dealbreaker, but life is rarely as idealistic as we'd like it to be. You're doing good in considering everything but maybe just bring it up with him...see where he stands with it. Good luck Hon I know it'll all work out!
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1057060 tn?1266513126
ashelen:
i have considered it. see the guy im in love with is my x of 3 years.. and hes a junior in college right now. he has 3 semesters left & then he is joining the coast guard. once he joins everything would be paid for and taken care of, but until then he is still dependant on his parents to pay for college--so he wouldn't be able to provide until the child was 1 or 2 years old. i guess thats my dilemna. im not really sure if that should be a dealbreaker or not.
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Avatar universal
Adoption is not selfish, it is selflessness.  So many people cannot have children and a lot of younger adults would just take the "easy" way out and have an abortion and your allowing your child to live, regardless with you or another family is a beautiful thing.  You have time to think about your decision to make sure you are making the right decision for yourself and your child.  If you feel you are just to young to properly care for a child or not responsible enough what your mother thinks isn't really something you can help.  

I was 19 when I got pregnant but am fortunate enough to have a good relationship with his father.  If you are nervous about not having the support of both parents, a ton of mothers and father do it alone and you have the support of your family.  

This is your decision alone and you have time to think about it!  Either way congrats and good luck, in my eyes either decision is the right decision!
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1081583 tn?1256489721
you def are not selfish, like said already its your life and only you can make that choice. i got pregnant with my son when i was 17 of course his father left me, so it was just me, me and my mother werent close at all durin my teenage years but after i told her i was pregnant and after the shock and the tears, she was amazing. i gave birth one week after graduatin HS. i have never been so scared before i had all the same worries you do, i had no idea how i was goin to support my son and give him everythin he needs but as the months went on i jus kept fallin more and more in love and i kept tellin myself that i can do this, my son is now 9! you have ALOT of time to think about it and make the choice that is truly right for you..the other girls are right if you feel that you can not keep this baby maybe open adoption would be good for you, either way no matter what you choose itll be in the right. i think you should really talk to your mom about how you feel again like others said she just might surprise you, my mom sure did. best of luck to you :)
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1035252 tn?1427227833
to worrieddd612: have you considered that when you marry the man you love the two of you could give your child a better home than you and your ex could? just a thought, but if you truly feel unable to care for your baby adoption is a very good option.

flammingofrog07: you are definitely doing the right thing by exploring your options. I agree with some of the other ladies here, maybe your mom would be willing to adopt your baby? I've heard of it happening many times when a woman is young sometimes the grandparents adopt the baby...in fact, my neighbor was adopted that way and her grandparents are the world to her, BUT she's also very close to her mom and grateful that she knew she wouldn't be able to care for the baby. I think that once you realize just how capable and loving you can be you may feel more able to care for your child, though. We all go through feelings of not being able to take care of our babies at first, I think. I'm pregnant with #2 and i STILL don't feel like I can do it, but i KNOW i can, if that makes any sense. You're doing the right thing by exploring all options and you sound like you will make the right decision for everything, you, your family, and your baby. If you choose to adopt, your family will accept the decision as being the best in time, even if they may be hurt at first to lose a new family member. Just pray and consider in your heart what you know is right. You have several more months to make the decision. Good luck and God Bless.

Also..I also agree with the ladies who say you may change your mind about this when you feel your little one move. it's...words cannot describe holding your child for the first time either. I had never babysat or even HELD a baby before my daughter was born, and I had so many anxieties and fear about not being a good enough mom (my husband was also laid off a month before my due date!) and I was terrified...until labor started and she became everything to me. Just take your time and listen to your heart, you'll make the right decision.
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202436 tn?1326474333
First let me commend you for trying to do something responsible...be it keeping the baby or putting it up for adoption.  I think that giving the child up for adoption (if YOU are 100% certain that you can't provide the child what he/she needs) is a very mature decision.  This is YOUR decision, not your mothers, uncles, sisters, best friends or anyone elses.  I would like to suggest that you find a place like "sav-a-life" in your area and speak with one of their volunteers about this decision.  They can help you in an unbiased way to determine what is best for you and your child.  

With that said...you very well may make the decision to put him/her up for adoption only to realize as your pregnancy progresses that you want to keep this beuatiful life growing inside you.  Whatever you choose I know you will do just fine.  I had my oldest daughter when I was a month shy of turning 19, with my mothers help we did just fine.  She is now a beautiful, intellegent 13 yo.  

Again this is YOUR decision.  Do what feels right to you, follow your heart.  
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