I don't know how to tell my fiancee's parents

[Amonroe]

I haven't went to the doctor yet to get everything checked out. I found out I was pregnant yesterday after 3 tests. My fiancee and I agreed not to say anything to his parents until after we go to the doctor. My mom and dad know and are going to be fine with it. Although his parents are very.... proper and old fashion. I was wondering what the best way to break the news to them? A way to word things?

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree with laceylace that when you get married, your in-laws are much larger in your life than you expect.  So don't alarm or irritate them further by doing something that they would see as irregular.  I am sorry that you already have a problem with them over the changed June wedding date, it's too bad you didn't just go ahead and let the chips fall where they may, but perhaps it would have made them so mad it wouldn't have been worth it.  

But now the game is changed, and you have to take the long-term outlook and the high road and not let things bug you.  You will be seeing these people often, at birthdays, the holidays, and at just-because get togethers.  You have to set the scene now, today, for dignified behavior.  They will not go for "you screwed up our June date and so we'll go with whatever date seems convenient to us, and it is not right now."   Drop the grudge on whether or not they have given you their blessing, so what if they do or don't; blessings of the parents are not mandatory for a child who marries although it would be gracious of them to do it.  The only way through this without them labelling you in their mind as someone who is lower-class than their son is for you to act decisively and with dignity.  

I had much more conservative in-laws than the family in which I was raised.  They absolutely never agreed with my politics.  (For example, I've been married for years and never have changed my last name.)  They sort of did label me as some chippy their son married who brought dangerous thinking to him and liberalized his point of view (thank heavens, at least they didn't also think I was a gold digger, because our families had about equal wealth and we didn't ever ask anyone for money).  It took years to get past all of their puzzlement about me and why on earth their son would marry me.  Only really high-level behavior on my part (always keeping my word, being uber-dignified, not holding a grudge, etc.) carried the day.  It was irritating to have to prove myself over and over for a long time, but by now, I'm appreciated in the family.  This might seem unfair to you, to have to turn the other cheek and turn the other cheek and turn the other cheek.  But you are marrying this family.  If you want to be married to their son, that is the only way to behave.  Something that will actually help you that wasn't available to help me is that you will have a little magnet to bring them to you, your baby.  My son wasn't born until we had hassled through this for years on our own.

Something I did pretty early in the relationship that helped a ton was to talk to a therapist about communication patterns and the clashes in style I had with my father-in-law.  Best counseling I ever got, with the best long-term payoff.  

[laceylace_2004]

To be completely honest, when you marry, you marry the inlaws as well (unless there is no contact there of course.) I've been married 5 years next month, and I am seeing what my dad said on my wedding day is the truth. It is a constant battle between my mil and I because she still wants to be 1st in my husbands life. And when you throw a child in the mix, it can get even more complicated with them. My mil thinks she has parental rights over our son. If y'all do get married, just be prepared.

[Amonroe]

Our plan to begin with was to get married in December. We where going to get married in MI then leave to stay in FL for a week with my mom and step dad. Not to sound evil, but my fiancees parents did everything they could to stop my fiancees and Is wedding this last June. We had the big wedding setup an a lot of it already payed for and planned. I ended up calling off the date to please his parents. And his mom even keeps bringing up the fact that we should just elope. Already have ruined our first big day, we finally are just leaving the negativity behind and eloping and spending a week vacation in the sun. I'm just worried so much about him getting hurt by all this.
I feel stuck. 3 year relationship, that his parents have never gave his blessing for.
Not that I'm perfect, but his family doesn't like me and my family because we are middle class and don't have the assets they have.
Opinions?? I don't have anyone else to vent to... and I just want to get my thoughts straight and not stress.

[MsLanda1]

This is the opposite of my situation. I knew that my fiances parents were going to be 100% supportive, but mine are old fashioned as well. I sorta kept dropping hints to my parents when I'd see them asking about Dr's, asking about family health problems, etc until one day my mom asked me if I was pregnant. It was easier for her to ask me than for me to bring it up myself (I'm a chicken). But as I said my parents are old fashioned. They're still mad about it, but there's not much we can do. Stressing is not good for the baby. You have to do what is best for you no matter what anyone else says. I'm sure they'll come around eventually. Just give them time and understand where they're coming from too.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think your fiance should take the lead.  He will know how best to talk to his parents.  That said, I should think having a wedding soon would please a traditionalist set of parents, not waiting.  

Some people say, "We want to save up and have a dream wedding," and so they wait, and still aren't married when the baby comes.  Old-fashioned and proper parents would not understand such an approach at all.  They would be all for a big party later to celebrate your first anniversary or something like that, but if you are pregnant they will doubtless want to hear the news along with something like "Because of this unexpected but wonderful news, we will be getting married in three weeks in the park, with a small reception at [name of nice place] afterwards" or something like that, if money is an issue.  They won't expect silence on the topic of when you will be married.

Proper and old-fashioned means they will feel that bringing a baby into the world without being married, especially when you are already engaged, is  irresponsible, and they will worry that the baby is "illegitimate," and boy you really don't want to start out married life with them in a mindset about you like that.