Need advice and help please-DH no longer wants to have a family! :'(

[Meadow841]

I am devistated to learn that my husband no longer wants to have a family. This is a total shock to me! We have been together for 10 years and married for 3. All along he always wanted a family and we bought a house with children in mind. Now that the time is here (we tried the last 2 months) he no longer wants a family out of no where. He says he doesn't want the responsibility.We have been in counceling due to his depression regarding his job (or so he says) for a few months as well. Now I am hit with no family! We are both 26....I love him with all my heart. But if he doesnt want a family, I don't think I can be married to him anymore. I've always dreamed about having kids, and the thought of not having them scares me. But now I don't know what to do because I love him so much and can't imagine having to start over, find someone new, and eventually have a family with them. I am devastated. I don't know what to do! :'(
I'm totally freaking out!

[martikadragoon]

Mumita~ Yep on the "try" thing. lol, Too much pressure for my DH. I think it's funny in a way. Guys can never really make up their mind and they say WE are tough to figure out!

Meadow~ I've definitely heard of women getting preggo while their guy was on antidepressants!

[Mumita]

Men don't like to be pressured into haivng a baby, they preffer to leave it to chance.
My husband throughout the years has been saying that he doesn't want to have kids until we're financially stable and I have respected that.  This year he was ok with the idea of me stopping birth control and leave it to chance if I got pregnant or not, he never wanted to "try" because that was too much pressure, he wanted it to happen randomly.  Well right now I'm pregnant and eventhough we're very tight financially he's very happy about me being pregnant.  He is worried about money but he carries around the u/s pictures and shows them to everyone, he's sooo excited but he will not say it outloud.
Give him time and don't mention having kids, if he really loves you, he will not want to loose you because he doesn't want to have kids.  And think about it, if you really love him, would you leave him because he doesn't want to have kids?  Or do you rather have kids and not be with someone you love?

[Meadow841]

Yeah, I think he would be ok if it was an accident, but if he starts using protection again, I'll be really sad. He is so good with kids too, I just don't get it. We have another appointment with the councelor next Monday. She also suggested we talk to her individually. They also just put him on antidepressants, and I heard they knock the swimmies down to zero. .

Thanks again for your help, I'll let you know how the appointment goes. Xoxo

[martikadragoon]

You know, my hubby is the same way actually regarding "accident." he said if we get pregnant by accident he'd be just fine with it. the first time he sat down and said "god my life is over" I gave him a few weeks to get used to the idea of a baby in there... and you know, it really softened his heart.

We've gone through such struggles and trials with TJ, since I was one of those women UNDER 35 that had a baby with trisome 21 OR Down Syndrome. it just happened.

But you know, It made us closer than ever during the pregnancy and when he was born.

I think that by him not using protection that maybe it's his way of saying "ok lets try" without ACTUALLY saying it. I think it's a man thing. KWIM?

DH did that with TJ, he just didn't seem to care at the time. And guess what?  The time I thought I might be preggo recently (5 days late or so) he got so sad looking when AF showed and rubbed my belly and kissed it (I smacked him).
.....
So, if it happens it happens. I'm pretty sure if you were to get  pregnant, he may feign (sp?) being a bit upset, but then things SHOULD turn around. Youd have to tell him how you'd like his support during this pregnancy, and you'd give him support while he's dealing with his issues.
This is ONLY in case you come up pregnant.

cindie

[Lucey12]

I cant imagine what you are going through, I was mad when my husband said he wanted to wait till he was 26. (verry random and unparticular age i know) I hope you can manage If you need to talk im hear with an open ear.

All the best Darling!

[amberd5191]

I am so sorry! I know words don't heal the hurt you are feeling right now. This is a difficult situation. Maybe just having the pressure removed of "trying" to have a child is all he needs. If you just "let it happen" or "see what happens" he would be ok with it.

Lots of hugs being sent your way!

[AnitaRFrith]

Has any one ever told him that when a woman gets pregnant after 40 then you are considered high risk?  Make sure that he knows that there is a biological reason to why you don't want to wait that long.  There are a number of things that can happen.  ( Some woman are lucky an don't have any problems... but thats not the norm.) Then he needs to remember that when your child is ten you will be 50.  Then you would be almost 60 when your child turns 18.  Could you plan a meeting with the councilor so you could talk to him/her alone?  Then maybe he/she could explain how your feeling to him.  Keep us posted.  Anita

[Meadow841]

thank you all for your thoughts, I appreciate it. It came as such a surprise and made me so sick when I heard it. I told him we don't have to have a family now... And that I can wait. But I told him I needed to know that sometime down the road there will be a family. He said he is unlikely to change his mind.. However in couceling he said it wouldn't be the end of the world if it happened by accident. He said he has changed his mind way back in the summer!!! I'm so confused then as to why he didn't use protection in December and this month. I want to help him through his depression ( it's a mild case says the doctor) but he sounds like he made up his mind for the long run too. The scary part is that he probably knows this is a deal breaker. Yet he's so quick to say no not ever.  At the same time he's been acting nice and makig this effort. Is it just to keep me around? He did say if he ever changed his mind , it would be when he is 40 (we are the same age) and that is just too late for me. So I guess I just don't know how much time to give it . I want a family but I have to factor in all the time it will take to meet someone I actually live, then get married, then have a baby :( I don't want that, I just want him and this mess to go away :(

Thank you all again for taking the time to help me and tell me your thoughts. xoxo

[martikadragoon]

I gotta say, maybe I didn't read it slowly enough to myself the first time, but if he is depressed and  dealing with it right now, then you need to help him get through this if you can and then maybe speak of having a baby... so I do apologize if I read your original post wrong. :)

[Lucey12]

Id say try waiting and dont pressure him in to it. Let him deal with his concers and issues right now and once he is feeling more optamistic then bring it up again. Dont leave him just because he has always wanted a family and recently changed his mind. He is probably just a little stressed right now and need some time with just you and him, before there are wee ones involved. Chin-up! :)

[nsrchofbaby]

I agree with sweetangel7 and Mumita. Trying to force a family on someone who is suffering from depression can only have negative results. Having a child is a life altering event that can take its toll on couples that aren't suffering from any physical or mental health conditions let alone, someone who suffers from depression. I can only suggest that you work on your relationship. Continue going to therapy and support your husband as best you can. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you and your husband get the help that you need so that you may both move forward with your lives.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree with everyone I supppose.  I think that if he is depressed, that is probably the sudden reason for him changing his mind about having kids.  You live with him.  Only you know his state of mind right now.  But right now, I would just try to give him what he needs emotionally.  If after his problems are dealt with and he is totally okay, and he still doesn't want kids, I would go from there.  I have to say as a woman that knew she wanted kids from a little girl, that would be a deal breaker for me.  But again, I really think this had a lot to do with his depression and I think you need to put his needs first for the time being........

[Mumita]

I agree with Sweetangel7 100%
He needs you right now and he doesn't need any added stress.  if you want to have a strong relationship then support your husband on what he's going through and wait.  Once he's in a better mental position then you both will be able to make a decision about kids.  You cannot start threatening to leave him that easy, you're suppossed to work on your relationship and support each other.
Geez! No wonder there are so many divorces in this country, people aren't willing to work on their relationships.

[sweetangel7]

First of all, you are still young, second of all, if your husband is depressed right now, of course he doesn't want a family AT THIS MOMENT.  He is probably having a hard time taking care of himself right now never mind the prospects of you being pregnant and then a baby.  Keep up with the counseling.  Chances are, when his issue gets resolved, he will return to be the man that you have known and loved for the last 10 years.  An ultimatum given to a person suffering from depression will not help your cause and will not help his mental health.  IF after several sessions of counseling, he seems in a better place mentally and he still does not want to have children, then you can talk about what this means for your marriage.  Right now, I think you need to be supportive and that will hopefully reward both of you in the long run.  

Also, perhaps you could schedule a solo session with the counselor so you can talk to someone about your feelings and they can give you professional advice on how to deal with this.  

[evthing4reason]

you need to do some more couselling, my guess this would have something to do with depression. also, don't act like you are trying it may make him feel inadequate when those 2months you didn't get pregnant when for most couples it takes closer to a year

[martikadragoon]

I agree with the other ladies.... But 26 is still young. (yea ppl I know, you don't gotta ream me yet. I'm 22 and want a nother baby that's about 18-22mo older than my first..)

But speak to him firmly, don't just let yourself get put down, or him make you feel like your acting dumb about it. (guys love to do that)

I say, Give him an ultimatum if speaking to him doesn't do it. Give him a timeline and let him know what the end result's will be if he says no. (like,: You have 6 months to decide or we're thru)

[babypooh]

I agree that you really need to speak with him and be firm about what you want.  Having a family is very important to most women.  It's not something you can give up if you really want it. It's a good idea for you to bring it up in counseling.  Try to get to the bottom of his depression so you can understand him too, but stand your ground with what you want, honey. Good luck. If he really doesn't change his mind, then it's perfectly understandable to feel the way you feel about not wanting to stay with him.

[AnitaRFrith]

Have you told him how that makes you feel?  Thats not fair of him to decide for the both of you.  I'm so sorry... men can be SO STUPID!  There has to be more to it then what hes saying.  I would bring it up in counceling.  Talk it out.  How bad is his depression?  Has he ever tried to hurt himself or anything like that?  I would call the counceler when hes not around an tell them.  Being that ya'll picked a home with kids in mind thats a BIG change of thought.  He may just need help... people with depression tend to give signs that they need help.  Keep us posted.  I'm going to be praying about this.  God Bless... Anita

[Darkestlight]

To tell u the truth disagreement on children is one of the # 1 reasons relationships dont work out. I completely understand not wanting to be married to him anymore. I'm very sorry for what u can go thru. Have u thoroughly talked to him about it? I mean maybe there are other reasons like his depression that is contributing to it.