OT-unsure

[Clysta]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I keep feeling weird. I've always been self conscious and want to be liked by everyone. But recently I keep feeling like people are distant with me. I lost almost all my friends when I got pregnant and rarely speak to anyone or do anything. (I'm also a very shy person and it's hard for me to talk to others) But now it seems even Phil and his family are distant. I don't know why. He never seems interested in me at all. (Not in a sexual way but just a general interest if I'm making any sense) We hardly do anything together and everything else seems more interesting that me. Sometimes I think even Kylie doesn't like to be around me all the time. I have her almost 24/7 (she's handed off to me if she makes any form of noise) and rarely can do anything alone. I feel like I'm going back into depression, but I don't know why. In reality I have everything I wanted and more, but I can't help but feel alone and depressed. Even posting this on here I feel foolish and selfish because I know how desperately some women want this and I'm complaining. I just wish I had more people to talk to about it. DH just says to get over it cause I have no reason to and my family just says see a doctor. (I've been to one and she didn't help at all) I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

(please also don't think bad of my husband. He truely is a good man, he just doesn't understand it at all. I don't know if I made him sound horrible in this post)

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Clysta, I think you have gotten some great suggestions so I don't think I can add too much.  But I just wanted to let you know that you are not doing anything wrong and that depression is not something that we choose.  I would suggest some of what others have suggested.  Try doing something for YOU.  Maybe there are other stay at home moms in your area.  If it is too cold to meet at a park, perhaps you can have play dates at your/their house(s) just to have playmates for you daughter and to have some adult conversation.  It helps to have other women that have things in common with you.  Maybe have lunch occasionally with a friend.  I don't do it often myself, but when I do, it is a nice change.

I would also recommend seeing a doctor.  Even if it didn't help the first time, maybe you can see someone else.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[sweetpea03]

Is there a group or something local where you can meet other moms/get involved in something? I think anything that can get your out and doing something, either by yourself or with your daughter, will be a good boost for you. It may be something to look into in the meantime before you visit your doctor.

[LauraB78]

I didn't read all the responses, but SunWorshipper gave some truly fanatstic advice, and I echo what she said.. Give yourself a break!! Tell your husband you need a "time out."  =)  I  feel like I am going through *something?* too.. I think being a stay at home Mom is far harder than ANY other job I have ever had. You are doing great!! And if you feel like you can't "get a handle on it," I would FOR SURE find a Dr. that is understanding and wants to help in any way that works for you and your family.

[vacuumprincess]

I think it truly is hard for some people to understand these feelings if they have never experienced them for themselves.  Sometimes we think we are the only ones who feel this way.  Definately this is not the case.

I think you should see a doctor.  It is completely normal to feel this way at any point in life, especially for you.  You recently had a lot of major life changes.  All that can make a person very emotional.  It may make you feel sooo much better to see a doctor.  Maybe a RX of somekind will make all the difference.  Maybe talking to a therapist of some kind.  Perhaps it is ppd or just a hormone imbalance.  You can't find an answer or solution unless you start at a doctor.  

[mom2ariana]

hey hun im so sorry you are going through this.. i know a little about depression since my mom has been suffering frrom it since i was little. i know that people that struggle from it tend to have a "glass half-empty" outlook on everything. is it possible they aren't in fact as distant as you think? and that that's just the way it seems to you? im not in any way suggesting you are crazy or have a skrewed up view of things, just trying to help.
i think you should see a different doctor. any doctor that doesn't listen seriously to someone who believes they might be depressed should be written off.. they can help you a lot!!
and as everyone else said, take some "me" time. i was able to get time away when ariana was 6 weeks old and a few weeks here and there, and i believe that kept me from developing PPD. its essential for us as mommys since we devote 24/7 of our time to our childreN! for me it is going out of town with DH, spending the weekend with him and friends, and going out on the town. for you it might be going to the mall, taking a drive, baking, going out with friends, seeing a movie, whatever...just figure out what it is that would relax you and make you feel better and by all means go do it!! i think you'll find yourself feeling a lot better!!

[Ashelen]

I agree with everybody's advice here. Despite the fact that I seem annoyingly cheerful most of the time, I've suffered from depression and severe anxiety all of my life. As a teenager I was hospitalized for attempted suicide and it was only because I told a friend goodbye that my parents were able to intervene in time. I know what it's like to be frustrated with yourself..it's like "come ON, get the **** over it...seriously. enough." but your mind and heart just don't listen to you. When you're a disciplined person and you can't get your mind to "snap out of it" you feel weak, and frustrated.

However...none of these feelings are valid. You are NOT weak just because you are depressed. it is something out of your instant control. yes you can control it by working through it and seeking solutions but you can't just will it away and you know that...so don't feel weak.

I go through phases once in awhile where I just don't want to be around people. I was always popular in high school and when I got to college and realized that I could spend time - ALONE - it was like I went insane for alone time. I realized that I didn't HAVE to have a ton of friends and be around people all the time, and I was all about spending alone time. I made a bunch of friends in high school too, but I was always turning down parties and staying in just to relax...and I think that can be completely normal. it just depends on your personality and situation.

As far as feeling a little trapped with Kylie....TOTALLY normal. every now and then my daughter will go off on a "mama..mama...mom...mommy..mama...mom" and I start to get this trapped panicky feeling because I realize that I will never be able to have any long stretch of time during which I will be able to just be *by myself*....but then it passes and I realize that it's a product of depression and anxiety, not a legitimate feeling. that's what you have to remember about what you're feeling right now...it's all blown out of proportion by your depression. you are NOT a bad mom, you are NOT a bad person..no one dislikes you or doesn't want to be around you..that's just how it FEELS.

so yes I would agree with everyone that it's time to take some time for YOU each day, convince DH how important this is he MUST understand, and it's time to look for free counseling services. you deserve better than to feel so bad about yourself, and your family deserves you feeling at the top of your game as well. because you're a great mom and you deserve the confidence that comes with that knowledge.

[Limonada]

I have a history of anxiety and depression.  Because of this, I'm at a higher risk for post partum depression (PPD) - and I think I have it now, even at 10 months PP (it can develop any time in the year following giving birth).  

For me, I have feelings of inadequacy (especially where being a mom is concerned), small things seem very overwhelming and frustrating to me, I get irritable and teary very quickly.....I could go on.  I spoke to my doctor about it just last week because I knew that I just wasn't feeling "right".  He told me that I need to do more for myself....I need to get out (I'm on mat leave and, especially with the cold weather starting, I'm pretty much cooped up all day, aside from picking my older son up from school and dropping him off there....especially in the last week because Gil hasn't been feeling very well so I haven't wanted to take him out a lot).  I also feel pretty isolated from people, like my friends don't care, etc.

I may need to go on meds again (I've been on antidepressants before) but I'm hoping I can manage this on my own.  My DH is being pretty supportive and encouraging me to take time for myself when I can.....It's hard because he's working during the day, but he does what he can to let me take that time when he's home.

I'd speak to your doctor about it.  I think your husband needs to realize that, if this really is a form of depression, PPD or otherwise, that you can't simply "snap out of it" or whatever.  You need understanding and patience.....and to know that you are, in NO WAY, a bad mom :))

[SunWorshiper_26]

Clysta you aren't doing this to yourself. Depression is not something that you decide to get or can decide to avoid it's like getting the stomach flu you can use all the hand sanitizer in the world and sometimes you just get the flu.

As for PTSD you didn't ask to be traumatized you didn't ask to go through this and if you did it wouldn't be PTSD.

Suicidal thoughts and tendencies this goes back to the depression it is a chemical imbalance in your brain it also can be based on situation, stress and environment.

You wouldn't tell a person with a brain tumor to just get over it or tell someone with PCOS to just snap out of it, they need medical treatment this is the same thing with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations and PTSD. It sounds like you have gone through a lot in your life and you should be d@mn proud to have overcome all of that to be here today with a loving husband a beautiful child. Don't be down on yourself, be proud you are doing the best you can. If you do not have insurance right now you can go into a mental health center and pay on a sliding scale. Most all therapists will charge on a sliding scale based on income for those without insurance. We all have an obligation to serve the community no matter what their socio economic status is. Many police departments also have free counseling for those who live in their town. Yes the new year is just around the corner but depression is a slippery slope and it's easy for it to get bad quickly. If you can find someone to see now that would be wonderful. You can even call your OB office and ask them if they know of any suggestions.

If you have insurance now and it's switching at the new year see someone in the mean time on this current insurance and when the new insurance kicks in you can either continue to see this person if they take that insurance or you can ask them to refer you to someone who does take that insurance.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions

[Clysta]

Well when was young I was diagnosed with PTSD, suicidal tendices and depression, and my doctor reconfirmed it while I was pregnant. I was able to manage then because I had her in me and she came first. I know I need to see someone else to try to get it under control, but I can't till the new year. (we just got new insurance and it's not effective till January or so) I just remember what it was like then and the thought scares me. I hate feeling weak and it makes me even more mad that I'm doing this to myself. I know I'm better than this, but it just happens and I don't know how to stop it.

[SunWorshiper_26]

I think that it can be really hard to go from a balanced life to a 24/7 mommy. We all need time for ourselves. I know many women who have experienced what you are speaking of after the birth of their child. I have noticed that it seems to be that when they are able to have some time for themselves it helps a lot. Even if that means that your husband no matter what has your child in his care between 7pm-8pm so you can take a hot bubble bath or go for a walk by yourself. Having that time to be alone and focus on yourself is so important. As is being able to get out and see friends once in a while.

I from time to time feel the same way even without a kid. I feel that people are distant and such and I think it's just my perception not reality. Somehow I snap out of it but it does happen more often in the winter months.

If your dr doesn't do anything or doesnt seem interested in what you are saying about this than I would see another dr. If YOU think you are falling into a depression than your dr needs to understand the importances of this. You can also try seeing a counselor or therapist. There are many community mental health centers or you can call your insurance company for a referal. If you live in northern IL I am a therapist and can refer you to someone.

Please don't feel stupid for posting this on here. It is important to talk about how you feel and this is a safe warm welcoming place with women you can trust so it is a great place to share :)

[missytonya]

maybe you need to take time do things that you think aboutdoing and don't care wat other people think about. do things that u make think that will make you happy and stop trying to live a perfect life we were put on earth to sin and repent nobodys perfect.