This isn't going to make me popular....

[LauraB78]

I know this is going to upset a lot of you fantastic women on this board that are ttc. I had posted 2 weeks ago unsure what to do b/c of my situation...

I am 29 years old (until tomorrow..the big 3-0) and I am soo stressed out. My (ex) and I cannot have a conversation without screaming. He is so mean to me that I am starting to wonder if keeping this baby ( I am 8 weeks) is the right decision. This poor child will be brought into a world w/ parents whom are not only living totally seperately, but cannot stand each other. I have very little money, and this baby means I would have to find a place of my own. I currently have room mates and live in a super expensive area of the world and DOUBT I could continue living here. I have no family anywhere nearby, and even if they were, none are in a position to assist me.. I have NO idea what to do. I am totally stressed out. I need advice.

I have heard of programs to help single mother's and many are NOT available here. I LOVE my job and I love where I live. Having this baby means my lifestyle will totally take a downfall and I will lose my job, my demographic (so to speak) and everything semi-stable I do have. I am not a selfish person, but I honestly am doubting me decision. I know no one else can make it for me, but I am feeling helpless and lost... I swear I am not usually such a whiner but I have never been so depressed and lonely in all my life.


PLEASE ADVISE!!

[nikko*ttc]

Thanks for the update. If you need anything or have any questions. Please let me know. It is tough being an unwed mother, but with the right resources you can do it.

[JoyRenee]

So glad to hear a wonderful update! I hope things stay civil and that you guys can work everything out!!!

[LauraB78]

Update:

The (ex) called me a few days ago. He apparently told his parents and they are excited, and he seems to have changed his tune a bit. We have had 3 civil conversations so I am hoping we can continue to work on our communication skills for the sake of this baby! =)

It is such a relief to be able to talk w/ him about the baby without yelling for once.. Yay..
Again, A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU! I am officially addicted to medhelp boards~

[LosingMyMindInGA]

As KStarr said, we will be here to support you emotionally...to be your friend, shoulder to cry on or just a good ear.  I'm so pleased that you have made the decision you have and you were right, it WILL all work out somehow.  Just remember you have a new "family" here.  Just take everything one step at a time and day by day. We will be here to answer any questions you have.

[babyscience]

Well where ever you move, dont come to California it is just as bad!  Maybe somewhere in central US!
Good luck with everything, you will find a way to make it work....plus look at how many people live off of the government....worse case scenerio you do that for a bit!

[LauraB78]

Thank you. I am so happy that I found this board!

[irrelevance]

Laura,
if you keep this baby, us ladies here on medhelp will undoubtedly be here for you every step of the way to answer ANY question you may have.. Even if it's not a question, just to be here for moral support, if it means anything to you. Good luck in your decision.

[LauraB78]

I had a transvaginal ultrasound last week, I saw the heartbeat..

It does change things, definitely.. But it didn't suddenly take all the worry away, unfortunately..   =)

I will figure it all out.. I just may be moving somewhere else and that is terrifying!

Thanks for all the support and input. There has been a TON of great advice on this thread and I appreciate it more than any of you will ever know!!

[kjbutcher]

If you need something to help you make the decision, go have a sonogram done.  If you are in love when you leave, keep it.  If you still have the same feelings when you leave then you know what to do.  I know when I left my sonogram it didnt matter if it was AJ and I against the world, I loved that baby and I wanted to protect him from everything.

[kjbutcher]

The decision is yours and I think it may have been you that I said this to before...if there is any thing in you that wants to keep this baby...do it!  You will not regret anything having to do with keeping the baby whether it be lose your job or your demographic. But I cant say the same for the other option.  Once the baby is born you can make it work.  You figure out how to piece it all together.  It just works.  If you decide not to keep the baby just make sure that is what you want for sure.  Make sure it isnt pregnancy hormones going nuts because once those hormones go away you dont want to be saying to yourself "what the f did I just do".  Good Luck with whatever decision you decide to make.  

[JoyRenee]

Laura, don't worry! You didn't start conflict. People just want their opinion heard. But quite honestly, whether *I* am pro-choice or pro-life doesn't matter and how someone else believes doesn't matter. It's what you believe ultimately that will affect your decision.

I'm glad you've decided to keep baby. You've still got almost a year to figure everything out and we're here for ya!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I too am addicted to this board and I'm not even pregnant.  LOL  I have 5 kids and just want to help others if I can.

I know it will be hard but just know that you have a lot of support here if and when you need it.

[LauraB78]

Halleluyah on your comment regarding our f@#*ed up society. I work.. I work hard, I have 2 jobs, and I still cannot figure out how I am going to make ends meet, especially when I have this little one..

We need reform in this government, but that's a WHOLE OTHER TOPIC AND BOARD! =)
I COULD GO ON AND ON FOR DAYS.

Just had to comment on..

"Isnt it crazy how you can be a hard working individual and still not be able to survive...man is our society screwed up."

Laura

[babyscience]

Isnt it crazy how you can be a hard working individual and still not be able to survive...man is our society screwed up.  It sounds like you do want to keep the baby but just dont know how you are going to survive and keep yourself and baby afloat.  The courts will make "daddy" pay and if he cant pay on time I think they will even remove it from his pay check.  I would feel very uncomofortable about shared custody until he proves himself as a dad, but as an above poster stated they cant get that until the child is 2.  
Day care is crazy expensive, but at home day cares are cheaper.  It will be tough for you but I see so many people do it....I just dont know how they do!  I am married, but I also have a huge family support.  My mom watches my son so we dont have to pay for daycare.  Which we could afford it, but we would have to down scale our life.
Good luck, you will find a way!

[Hope2OneDay]

I didn't have time to read all posts, but is there anyone in your family who could possibly take custody of the child? Therefore, you could still be in its life, yet the burden of sole responsibility would be off your shoulders? You would essentially give up parental rights (meaning you have no legal right to make ANY decisions regarding the baby), but at least it would be alive and you could still see it.
Just a suggestion. I agree with LosingmymindinGA. Counseling would be beneficial at this point because the longer you wait the bigger the baby gets, and the harder the decision will be. Personally, I would opt for adoption. If the hubby won't allow it, then let him take care of the baby by himself.

[LauraB78]

I appreciate ALL the advice and ALL the opinions. I feel like somehow I have started a conflict here and that definitely was not my intention.

I am also pro-choice. I always have been.. But this is MY body now and MY baby, and abortion doesn't "feel" right for ME. I will never judge another woman for any decision she makes with her body. ( well, unless abortion is done as a form of "birth control"...like repeatedly.. I DO have a problem with that!)

SO... I appreciate all the adoption (not an option) abortion (not an option), and keeping the baby advice (this is what I want to do in my heart of hearts, I just don't know HOW).

My ex is actually a highly intelligent man. He has his own issues from his upbringing and always thought that when it was his turn to be a parent, he would do it the "right" way. We both always envisioned being in a happy & stable marriage prior to thinking about children.. This was unplanned. We were both under the impression that conception was impossible while a woman was menstrating, and this is untrue.. Although unlikely, it DOES happen. This is how our child was conceived.

I have called WIC and left several messages with no return call. I do not qualify for MA health b/c I have health insurance through work. Unfortunately it's a CRAPPY HMO and if coverage is offered through your employer here in MA, you are automatically ineligible for state assistance. I have filled out applications for "low income" housing here, and that rent is still over $1,000. per month for a studio... which I likely couldn't afford. My ex owns a small seasonal business and that is it. He is semi-retired from a government job and I assure you, he will hide all of that money prior to this childs arrival. He has always had a problem paying for things. He has A LOT more than I do, and when we were dating, oftentimes he would want to split bills.. This is just how he is.. I have NO idea about getting an attorney involved and such, I guess I was hoping I wouldn't have to, but he is saying he wants 50% custody, so I guess that would mean he wouldn't actually have to pay child support if he virtually no longer has an income? I have no idea.

I know it will all work out somehow, but in the meantime, I am incredibly stressed and lonely and find that I am becoming addicted to this board. Thank you so much for advice and please keep it coming.

XO
Laura

[LosingMyMindInGA]

I went through the same stuff with my oldests "sperm donor".  He swore he wanted to be a good father, yadda yadda yadda.  But when I left him (for various reasons including abuse and drug use) he dropped me like hot potato.  BUT kept spouting off about wanting to be there for his child.  I know you can't REALLY forget about it, I was meaning more along the lines of not taking into consideration his comments etc.  I had to get to a point where I made sure my ex knew when and where my appts were and if he showed great if not i didn't expect him to to begin with.  The ONLY thing he did was show up at the hospital acting like a complete idiot.  And that's the last he saw of his daughter...she'll be 12 next month.  I was one month shy of turning 19 when I had her.  I lived with my mom who was living on disability.  I, too lived in an affluent area with little assistance avaible.  I worked and made do with what I COULD get...that being medicaid, Wic and FOOD stamps.  After had a previous abortion at 17 there was no question that I wasn't going to keep my daughter.  It WILL Be a struggle...but in the end it's definately worth it.  I struggled for a few years and eventuallymet my husband. He took my daughter in and has raised her as his own.  We've been together (not without problems but we work thru them) for almost 9 years now.

There IS hope and it CAN be done.  You just need to learn to believe in yourself.  

[Mumita]

I agree 100% with Crysi, DON'T LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR DECISIONS. Its your life, your body and NO ONE has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do.  They aren't GOD to tell you whats GOOD or BAD.
You are the only person that can decide what you want to do, and hopefully you will make a decision with no regrets either keeping the baby or not.  Both have the potential of having regrets. I don't think its selfish, and I don't think being a mother is necesarilly what we women are put on this world to do.  Not everyone needs to be a  mother.  I wouldn't get pregnant or have a baby if I wasn't 100% secure with my partner.  I think that every child deserves a good father and mother.  I was raised with split up parents and its not easy, every single day since I was 7 years old I wanted both of my parents together and it did hurt growing up not seeing my mother every day.  You do grow up feeling "abandoned", I do  not believe in adoption as I've worked with foster and kids that have been put on adoption, many of them don't get adopted and move from home to home...I would hate myself to put my child through that.

With all of that said (and I will probably not have many people talking to me now in this forum); How will the baby's dad react if you had an abortion, being that he's already reacting like an a$$hole if you do have the baby?  

[Michele, Katy, TX]

No one is trying to make her feel guilty.  We are only giving her OUR OPINIONS just as you did.  This is an open forum and she did ask for opinions and she got them.  From both sides.

Pumping propaganda???  Are you serious??  Not give our opinions any merit??  That is quite a bold statement from someone that is no different from anyone else on here.  Don't know why your opinion deserves more merit than anyone elses.  I am not trying or going to argue with you.  But no one on here is trying to make her feel guilty.  Just simply giving opinions just as she asked for.

[Crysi]

I am totally pro choice (in early abortion) and I am sorry that people on here are trying to make you feel guilty for considering abortion as an option.

I do not think that it is a selfish option, you know what is best for you and what you can and can not do. If you are unable to provide for a child at this time, with no home to bring this child into (not in a marital sense as in a house) you need to decide whether you can do that. This is not selfish, this is realizing that you may not be able to give a child a "proper" life.

I miscarried at 8 weeks and it was devastating to me, only after I lost my baby did I really realize how much I wanted him/her. Which isn't something that you will be able to determine untill after it is too late. Think about what emotionally you can handle, guilt, loss, etc.

Just please do not give merit to the pro life people on here pumping propaganda at you, they are not you and can not possibly pass judgement on you and your choices.

Best of luck with you decision.

[martikadragoon]

I feel for you, I really do. And I understand about how you couldn't carry the baby 9 months and give it up. and YES it is your choice.
but honestly... I see abortion as a SELFISH choice because it's only making your life better, it's doing nothing but ending a life that could be a good one in this world.

You may not think you can handle/raise a baby. But I'm telling you, you can find a way, any woman can esp. if it's they're child.. If your EX is such a jerk, then you need to speak to him about arranging custody NOW for the child. He will HAVE to help you out by paying child support which can help you a great deal.

You DO have child care options in MA.  You've got WIC available. I looked it up to be sure. And I'm sure there are other options like Medicaid for health care for you and the baby. which you'll be eligible for . You CAN keep your job, and your work is REQUIRED by LAW under FMLA to give you the required 6-8 weeks off after childbirth. As well as up to 4months total of leave if you become disabled and sent to bedrest due to pregnancy.

There ARE options, and you need to explore ALL of them before you make a decision.

No I'm not downing you. But it breaks my heart every time I hear of a woman who's aborted a perfect child... I had to deal with reading a story of a woman who aborted her baby due to Down Syndrome... THE DAY I Found out my son has it. I cried... but couldn't blame her because it is a tough thing to handle........ I hope you make your decision and are able to make one you'll never regret.

I'd also suggest even tho your not interested in it looking into Open Adoption. you may find something you like, and if the father contests it, then you need to have him PROVE he can help you care for the baby.  

[rachie204]

i dont really know what to say but I offer my story in hopes of some way being a help to you.  When I was 16 I got pregnant and my parents although strong christians freaked and urged me to go to the abortion clinic.  I went and was told to come back the next day if I wanted the abortion.  I was 12 weeks an horrified, I hadnt finished school and I couldnt care for a baby.  I knew I could not go back to that place though.  I found a chrisitan maternity home www.thelivingvine.org  and decided to stay there for the duration of my pregnancy.  While there I began to see God and knew that I wanted to keep my baby.  My son was born while I was still 16, and had no father.  My parents who were very against the pregnancy in the beginning were the proudest grandparents ever.  After giving birth I got my GED and enrolled in college, I got my real estate license and began work.  By the time my son was 6 months old I began dating my now husband and he is the best father ever.  In the beginning I had no idea what i would do or where  i would turn but in the end i found my way.  I do not support abortion but that is a decision only you can make for yourself.  I have no regrets at all.  I think it would be worth it to move if you decide to keep the child to some place that has more assistance, esecially since you dont have any family where you are.  There will always be other jobs, I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for you and your baby.

[nikko*ttc]

From someone who has been in your shoes... My first child was with another person. He was and still is totally irresponsible. He has tried more than once for partial custody, but his actions have even disallowed unsupervised visitations. It was so hard at first. I just knew that abortion was not for me and that there was no way I could handle adoption. Just knowing that a child I created would be out there somewhere gave me a bad feeling. I ultimately decided to keep the child myself and work it out as it came. It was really hard those first couple of years. I had to fight the babies daddy and his mother for full custody of her. Currently, babies fathers mother gets visitation 1st and 3rd weekend of every month as well as two weeks in the summer, and he has the option to see here only under her supervision. Between the time I had her, I went back to school and earned my BS degree and am currently working on my MS. If it wasn't for education there is no way I could be in the situation ready to have another child again. Of course it helps to have a loving husband and two incomes now. But I didn't have that to start with. You say you are in an area that you really like but is very expensive. I understand that as well. Ever looked up the cost of living in the DC area, not where I currently live either. I am now in TN, much cheaper to live here. I had to sacrifice alot to keep a roof over our heads but looking back it wa well worth it. Alot of work places have a 800 number that you can use to talk to a counselor, they will also tell you about programs available in your area. Hopefully your job is portable and you may be able to find something else better. But you never know unless you try. It is scary to consider all the changes of pregnancy and then all the changes in your life. If you need someone to talk to just PM me, be glad to help in anyway I can. Just to let you know, it wasn't as hard going back to school to get a degree as most people think. You get more funding from the government as a mother in the way of grants, scholarships, and loans. When I made the inital steps, I figured I would try it out but there was no way I could afford it. I was offered a grant that covered all of my tuition, scholarships that covered my books and gas, and then I borrowed the max from the government to help pay my day to day bills. I was able to get a job on campus that allowed me to basically get paid to do my homework and I only had to work part-time to make up for the little odds and ends like new clothes for daughter and medical expenses. You can make it but only if you try, but first you need a plan.

[Kim1989]

your not the only own who is in that situation. my babies father left me at 6 weeks for his ex.he told me he hated me. he told me he would make me miscarry. he told me im a *****. he told me if i did have this baby he would take him away from me and put him up for adoption. he told me he hoped the baby and i died right before he left for boot camp. he would not talk to me. i was a wreck the entire pregnancy. i felt alone scarred and worried. his father and i would fight. he punched me in my face and busted my lip so bad my mom took me to the hospital to make sure i didnt need any stitches. so yeah we would fight and scream at eachother.

****i couldnt have an abortion becasuse i knew i couldnt deal with that guilt. having an aboriton is forever and you cant go back and change that. but if you continue with the pregnancy at very least you could give your child up for adoption.

i dont and didnt want my son to grow up in a broken home and i still struggle with him not having a father (i feel). but he has a mother! he has people who love him more than anything! and i look at him now and i couldnt even imagin having had an abortion. he has brought me so much joy and happiness! there are so many children in this world with no fathers or grow up in a broken home. but they have strong mothers. if you do decied to keep your baby YOU CAN DO IT.  YOU WILL FIND WAY

i would recomend giving you baby up for adoption. your child will love you so much if you give him or her the chance at life. that way you give you baby a chance. its a big decision you have to make and i wish you the best!