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Avatar universal

dont know what to do, 20 years old at university, muslim family

i dont know what to do, im not looking for any answers, i know ultimately that its something me and the potential daddy need to decide, but im so anxious and worried. i spoke to my mum today, and my sister, and the fella, all are under the impression that continuing with the pregnancy would be a silly idea... but it's there now and it's apparently the size of a poppy seed, heart beat and everything. any advice?
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry that you have to be going through this and even more sorry because we know how badly you wanted this. You are in my dua's I hope things work out the way it should.  Remember that Allah (SWT) has reasons for everything.  Your time will come just be strong.  I hope things with your family work out. You will be great mother one day (Insha-Allah).  If you ever need to talk send me a message privately.  Remember there is a reason for everything and all the ladies on this forum will be there for you no matter what.  We won't go away!
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558728 tn?1275442570
I am so sorry for your loss. In echoing Joy, this is not your fault and God is not punishing you. Bad things happen to good people for reason that we don't know. Remember too that sometimes our trialers aren't ment for just us, but that others will sometimes learn from them as well. Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I was and will be praying for you.
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644974 tn?1312758070
what a tragic story this is ive jsut read every post and some people seem to have it so hard! im so sorry for that. Just remeber that we cant choose our family we dont have to remain best friends with them and they sure have shown you their true colours during all this havent they!!! im sorry for your loss, you would have been a great mother your very smart and seem to be very mature for your age.
In time when you have everything you need in place you will be blessed again and maybe this childs spirit has just left you momentarily and will come back to you at a better time for both of you. i wish you luck , lots of hugs xx
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Avatar universal
oh and just so you have some idea my miscarriage lasted 13 days but everyone is different. also miscarriages are actually very common. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriages. I looked at it as Gods way of telling me if the pregnancy had gone full term there would of been something wrong with my baby.
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Avatar universal
oh my god i have just read every single post what an absolutley tragic story i am so sorry for you i myself have suffered a miscarriage in June and you need time to rest and amend yourself physical and mentally. Take some time out for yourself! I would be fuming if that was my parents bcos if i was u and they had started saying things like its for the best etc i would be a bit like oh u speak 2 me but u wudnt b4?! I know where Lancashire is hun m from England also.Message me anytime.
Take care and have plenty of rest xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Avatar universal
That was really unnecessary for your doctor to say and I would report him if I were you. It's none of his business.

Miscarriages can take 2 weeks to begin and the bleeding usually lasts about a week. I have been in your shoes twice, the most recent just 3 weeks ago. Take your time to heal. God didn't take your baby and He certainly isn't punishing you. We live in a world where bad things happen but it doesn't mean it is God's fault. *HUGS*
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589762 tn?1330207135
Oh hun, I am so sorry your going through this! You are in my thoughts and prayers.... We are all here if you need to vent or talk! (((HUGS)))
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561451 tn?1257476350
Some m/c's take some time to happen.(week or 2)  I am sorry your going through this, and I am sorry about the doctor who treated you!  

I hope all is well, and you can get through this!  Just hang in there!
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Avatar universal
the pains started on friday nite at work, then i noticed a tiny bit of blood... next to come was the phonecall to nhs direct to make sure everything was alright, it appears that i had made my decision, and was willing my baby to keep fighting inside of me.

only a tiny trickle of blood on friday nite, then sunday evening, 7.30 excrutiating pain and a hell of a lot of blood.

was meant to go for the early scan on monday morning, but was up all nite in agony. monday evening managed to go to work, still bleeding heavily. arrived at A and E at 11.30pm. took 3 hours to be seen by a doctor, they tried to admit me to the ward warning me that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. i wanted badly to come home, so she gave me my latest blood test result. my HCG levels have DROPPED substantially. from 1000...to just 30. its not a viable pregnancy, and i was told to expect to miscarry completely by next week. i thought MC's happened within a few hours and that was it.

the cruelty of the doctor i saw was unreal. after asking me whether i was married, lived with my boyfriend, was religious and was studying, he saw me cry, and told me "God was helping me, by taking my baby".

dont know what else to say really, am absolutely gutted, and terrified for when its going to actually happen.

thanks for reading...

over n out

x
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Avatar universal
I hope I have not offended anyone. I am not deeply religious myself and I am sure if I was in your shoes I would have been faced with the same decisions.  
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Avatar universal
Hello, thought I would say something on behalf of a Muslims point of view. I am a 25 year old Muslim woman from South Africa. My younger sister fell pregnant at 21 years old.  My mom was very hurt and my dad even more hurt.  She and her hubby (then boyfriend) considered abortion because he already had a son.  My sister and her boyfriend were pushed into marriage and within in a week they were married.  They have had their ups and downs but are still together and have a beautiful son Zakariya. We love him to bits and my parents love him to bits too.

My sister was a third year Finance student and left her studies to have her baby, she will resume her studies next year (Insha-Allah [If God wills]}.  Like I said before my sister also considered abortion but I talked her out of it. My parents eventually changed their tune. I would like to add that my sister was also suffering from depression to make matters worse and has a hearing disability with which she has to deal with. She has overcome these problems and just proves that babies are a blessing.

When my parents held my nephew in their arms, they melted and all that my sister had done was forgotten!

Being a Muslim we know that termination can only take place in the very early stages if its a matter of life and death.  here is a paragraph taken from an Islamic site called Raza... It is not meant to scare you or anything like that and please don't think I am preaching.  Before you read this, I would like to echo what some of the ladies have said before, your mom might be a bit jealous that she is trying so hard to have a baby and here you are with baby already.  I have also been trying and have had no luck, its difficult for me to watch my younger sister with her baby but I know, its Allah's will. He will bless us soon enough. Good luck with your choice and we are here for you all the way.  Remember your decision which ever you make will guide you to your future.  

24. Is abortion allowed in Islam?

By definition, abortion is the termination of pregnancy. It may be practised in Islam when it has been ascertained by a pious Muslim doctor that there is a definite fear of the mother's life being in jeopardy as a result of the pregnancy. Islam upholds the sanctity of life and is opposed to abortion. There are numerous verses in the Holy Quran, which testify to this. For example, "And kill not your children for fear of want (poverty): it is We Who shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you." (17:31) and "Do not take another human being's life - (the life) which Allah has willed to be sacred - otherwise than in (the pursuit of) justice." (17:33) From the general teachings of the Holy Quran and the Sunnah, it is clearly established that life, in whatever form, is to be preserved and not destroyed, except for a valid cause or reason. Muslims should place their faith and trust in Almighty Allah and His beloved Rasool (sallal laahu alaihi wasallam) and should not resort to the cruel practise of abortion on demand.
Helpful - 0
363110 tn?1340920419
I'm sorry for you going thru this. I think in the end it's your choice,  however personally I Do NOT believe in abortion unless the mothers life is in danger or the baby is already dead.

And just remember if you decide to keep the baby, if you have to you can always have an open adoption where you get to meet and know the adoptive family.

All men are scared at first, but it passes, especially when they feel that first kick.
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589762 tn?1330207135
Griggsy!!, I was just thinking the same thing.... I think it could definitely be a bit of Jealousy on your mothers part especially since she is having such a hard time conceving.

Again I am so sorry that your going through all of this.... BUT it does sound like you want your little one.... Just remeber its a blessing from god weather your mother sees it that way or not.... and I can almost guarantee that once you stand strong and tell her what you have decided that she will have no choice but to come around... and I am sure she will..... and worst case scenario she wont..... but you do have the support of the father weather he seems a little scared about it now, i am sure he will come around too.....so  your not alone, you sound like a very strong and smart woman.... You will be just fine! Good Luck hun
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558728 tn?1275442570
I have had many issues trying to get pregnant , and I easily could have walked down the IVF pathway. During my struggles trying to get pregnant many many friends and family members conceived. One of those friends was 17, in high school, and the father a dead beat. I cried wondering why do people get pregnant when they aren't ready for it and I was so jealous. Being an adult, and capable of thinking clearly I realized that I was horribly jealous, and that they deserved to have a baby just as much as me.

Each after I got my head cleared of jealousy I was able to see just how happy their children made me, and just how much they needed those particular children.

My point is that your mum may be just a bit on the jealous side therefore not giving you the best sound advice.  The father is probably scared, and having many fears and worries of his own. I wouldn't base such a difficult choice off of others emotional reactions.  I know I'm certainly not level headed if I'm emotional.

It sounds to me like you want this baby, to be honest I want you to have this baby too. You sound very smart, and that you already are a wonderful mother because you are having such a hard time making the choice.

I know that you are worried about going back to school once you have the baby, but trust me everything will all work out. Whether you do or don't, everything always works out if you make the choices that you won't be regreting in a week, month, or a lifetime. Hang in there!
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Avatar universal
Folic acid is important during pregnancy, as are prenatal vitamins. Many women miss their prenatals or forget to take them every now and again and it is not a major problem. So don't worry about that. Just go get some at the pharmacy and take one a day! And definitely make sure you eat and drink plenty of water. I know you're feeling really low and depressed right now.

I have a suggestion and it is NOT ideal but you want to keep your baby so I'm going to offer this to you. There are Maternity Homes for pregnant women. You live there for free and finish school while you are pregnant. Some girls go there with the intention of adopting their baby out or because they want to learn skills to keep their baby. They also teach you how to dress and bathe baby and how to feed baby, too!

We have these in the US. Not sure about England but definitely worth trying to find. Look in the phonebook under ABORTION-ALTERNATIVE for a pregnancy center in England. Birthright is a worldwide organization that will help you get the information you need. You can check out their website at birthright.org to see if there is one near you.

I'm not giving up on you, girl! You want your baby and I'm going to try to help as much as I can to make sure that happens.
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561451 tn?1257476350
=)  Awww, well hang in there!!  Atleast he will support your decision though!  Which is a big step in any direction!  

His parents probably would take it better.  

Maybe just relax, do your homework, and then just ponder it.  Maybe go for a walk and clear your head some!  
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Avatar universal
hes not really interested in listening to any of that, he told me he wont be looking up what our child is looking like at 5/6 weeks old, coz itd torment him, i asked him how his parents would react and he said he didnt no, suppose its better than mine!!

he said to me that he'd always support me 100% even though he knows how i feel about it...

i.e. please god dont have the baby...

i like the advice, stressing too much makes things a lot more complicated...

xxxx
Helpful - 0
561451 tn?1257476350
Oh  my, do not go out and drink!!!  

Gosh, I am sorry your mother is being like this.  

"i dont want to solve "my little problem", i want to keep "my little problem"."
I think right there you have your answer!  If you truly want to keep your baby, i'd go about looking into those finacial aid and medical options now!  The Folic acid helps the baby, with preventing defects.  You said that the dad said he would support your choice, but doesn't 100% want it?  Well, I know a lot of guys who are freaked out about everything when they hear their girlfriend is pregnant.  They will overcome this feeling, when they hear a heartbeat, and or see the baby on the ultrasound!  

Maybe tell your mom, if she expects you to support her with IVF then she NEEDS to support your decision!  

Keep us posted!  And try not to stress to much!!!  =)
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Avatar universal
ohh and btw lancashire is north west england xx
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Avatar universal
thanks again ladies..

after i thought things couldnt get any worse...walked into the doctors surgery today and instead of being asked how i felt about the pregnancy, i was asked...." have you started taking folic acid yet? we try to get all mummys-to-be on folic acid asap"....nothing could have prepared me for that... broke my little heart.

sending me for an early scan to see how far gone i am, eventually the doctor (must have been 4 years older than me), checked my belly incase it was an ectopic pregnancy, coz id been taking the pill throughout the month that i concieved.

had a blood test, to confirm there is BHCG in my blood, and that there isn't any signs of anaemia.

got home and went straight to bed, mum came in and started asking if my "Little problem was sorted", treat it like "a gyny problem hun, were they just need to give your period a kick start", gob smacked!

havent been able to eat or drink, even more importantly SMOKE!! thats how i know somethings different, im a 15 a day smoker...!!

iv been told to "go out and get drunk tonight, it'll make you feel soooooo much better", by a friend...

i agree with what was said about gaining a grandchild or losing her daughter, i suppose its gonner hit her hard, because its ME she speaks to for support through her IVF, ME who she speaks to when her IVF doesnt work... but how am i going to find the strength to be happy for her, or cry with her when it does or doesn't work?

i dont want to solve "my little problem", i want to keep "my little problem".

anyway iv got another week to decide, so fingers crossed, hopefully ill find the strength in the next 7 days (in between two 3000 word assignments) to do what i know is right...

thanks for the support ladies...

xxx
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Avatar universal
I love what anxi just wrote, especially about how it will never be the same between you and your family no matter what you decide to do. I'd like to share my story.

I got pregnant when I was 19, unmarried. We had to tell my mom (she was dying and died a month after we told her) and we had to tell my boyfriend's parents (he's now my husband). His father is a pastor and his mom is the epitomy of all that is innocent. They were very disappointed in us and it was hard. I didn't feel close to her and I had lost my mom.

Once my daughter was born, though, everything changed. My MIL picks up my daughter every Wednesday for homeschool and she often calls me to tell me how much joy my daughter brings to her.

My little girl is 3 1/2 now and I cannot imagine ever having ended her life while pregnant with her. Because I know what she looks like, how funny and intelligent she is and she looks just like I did when I was little. She's a part of ME. I still can't even believe we created her.

As anxi also said, try talking to your mom. Write a letter if you can't get it out. Let her know that it would be the biggest regret of your life. You sound like you do not want to have an abortion. In fact you don't even say the word at all. You even refer to your little one as a "baby" and not something else.

Whatever happens we're here for you girl!
Helpful - 0
645220 tn?1233764146
Sweetheart  It really seems like you want to keep your baby.  Maybe you should tell your mum and family what you just told us.  If you can't say it have them read it.Do not worry about your baby not growing up with family.  People like to be judgemental and talk behind each others backs.  I also come from avery conservative background and understand the type of pressure you are under but honestly once these people, family members see what an angel your baby is they will come around.  I'm not saying things will be easy but if you feel forced into a decision you don't want to make then you will end up losing your family anyway.  Nothing will be the same between you and them ever again  

My husbands sister got pregnant at 20 and her parents cried for weeks.  It was the worst thing that could ever have happened according to them.  And the father was such a "Loser and an A hole"  Let me tell you now her son is one year old and the light of his grandparents life.  People  often react very badly to things they believe are shameful but in the end they come around.  I think what your Parents need to decide is if they want to gain a grandchild or lose a daughter.

You are a strong woman not everyone gets into college or has the strength of character to even try.  Know this if you want to have your baby and finish school you will.  There are many resources out there for you.

Having said all this if  you end up having an abortion that is ok too just make sure that is what you want.  And that it is right for you  

I'm sending you love and kisses
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Avatar universal
My heart is breaking for you, sweetie. No one should have to choose between their family or their unborn baby. I don't know where Lancashire is (is that in the US?). I assume it is part of the Muslim belief that if you get pregnant before marriage that your family turns their back on you, right? Kind of like kids who leave their Amish roots cannot go back to the Amish community?

If you ever want to chat privately, to vent and get your thoughts out, I'm on here throughout the day so feel free to message me anytime. I used to work at a crisis pregnancy center. We helped many girls who thought it was hopeless and they were able to stand on their own two feet and keep their baby. *HUGS*
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Avatar universal
thanks everyone for the comments. in reply to joyrenee i live in lancashire.
i dont want to get rid of my baby, but i honestly dont have a choice. its been eating me up for days, and i know that after iv been through what has to happen i'll feel even worse. the one thing i always promised myself was that if i got myself pregnant, id deal with it, not get rid of it. spoke to the fella tonight, and bless him, he's trying to be supportive and tells me he'll support me either way, but i know in his heart he doesnt want me to have a baby. got the first doctors appointment tomorrow morning, havent been able to sleep since i found out, just napping throughout the day. i know i could be a great mum given half a chance. i grew up without family around me, yeah i had my mum n sister, but children need there aunties, uncles, cousins, nanas. my child would have none of this at this point. i had so much more planned for my life, to give my child, to inspire them to go on and get an education, make something of themselves. i know that many of you have gone on and got yours, but i don't think id be able to go back. i'd have to move into my own house, pay my own way 100% (obviously with the governments help), and be strong enough to bring up a child knowing im excluding them from what family life they should have.
mum told me tonight that im playing with her head, changing my mind every two minutes, coz i keep promising her that ill do what she wants me to do, but every second im alone i know what id do if I had the CHOICE, and she would be supportive enough to allow me that choice.
mums been through two courses of IVF in the past year, third attempt coming up. How is that going to make me feel, should it work!? obviously id be happy for her, but deep down im always going to know why i could never give my baby a chance, and every year approaching my due day, how am i going to feel?

im going to allow myself a bit of time, but the longer i leave it the more attached im going to become i know that, and if i cant have my baby, its going to tear me apart.  i can see i'll end up resenting those that have stopped me, well iv already started resenting them.

tomorrows the day of my first examination, im guessing they'll tell me everything i need to know then..

thanks for all the comments, you've all helped a lot. it helps speaking to people who don't know you really doesnt it, you cant be judged...

xxx
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