rough start

[lisamichelle]

OK... I had a baby in May 2008.  This was a rough pregnancy for me... I had lost twins in 2006 from a brain deformity.  I had begged doctors to sterilize me but was refused many times.  I tried a couple of different birth control pills but had side effects (severe stomach pain... think glass shards piercing through your stomach walls) from both of them.  I got nowhere asking my ob and my family doctor for help, so I just stopped the pill and got pregnant in September, 2007.  I found out about the pregnancy pretty late (11 weeks) and was instantly depressed and terrified.  I was actually going back to the doctor to demand sterilization again when I learned I was pregnant.... the doctor grew suspicious over the irregular spotting I'd been having and ran the test.  So here I was, trying to be happy but couldn't.  Long story short, I was miserable through the pregnancy.  I tried to maintain prenatal care.  I never gained any weight; my first visit I weighed 125 and ended up weighing 122 by the time I had the baby.  The baby was born preterm at 34 weeks and weighed just 4 lbs.  I felt so disgusted with myself but more at the doctors who had refused sterilization.  The loss of my twins was so traumatic that even with counseling I just never got better.  I was so fearful of the new baby, especially since I had been unable to care for myself during the pregnancy and the outcome wasn't good. I asked a family member to adopt the baby.  I just can't bear to watch another child die.  Even when I look at her, I just can't hold her, I can't stop staring at her head as though something is wrong.  I just have this "feeling" that something is wrong...
What can I do to get past this?  Should I worry about this baby?  Is there still a chance that she'll be healthy, despite being born sick due to my inadequate nutrition and care?  The doctors won't say anything... other that the situation "wasn't good" and she "seems OK for now.. but we'll just have to wait and see...."

[lisamichelle]

I am sorry to hear about your loss.  I can't imagine having your experience.  That must have been terrible.  
I don't know really where to begin.  We both suffered losses but yours was so quick you didn't have time to react.  I knew since week 19 that something was wrong with my twins.  Baby A had a cyst in his brain and a month later so did Baby B.  After having all these tests done I finally learned around week 24 that they had something called hydranencephaly.  Basically most of their structural brain was gone except the brain stem... that's what kept them alive through the pregnancy.  The pregnancy was very traumatic... because I knew for weeks that they were going to die.  I was past the point of legal termination in most states, except Wichita Kansas.  We opted not to go there because it would cost $9,000.00 and a week long stay.  I couldn't afford it because insurance doesn't cover stuff like that.  The hospital wouldn't help me... they said it was against the law for medical institutions to act on a woman in such a way that would end a pregnancy or to initiate a premature delivery that would end in the death of a very premature fetus.  So... I was forced to carry until I went into labor on my own... which was 30 weeks.  We had papers stating the babies' condition was life altering and the hospital was notified not to ever stop my labor or save the babies.  I went into labor at 30 weeks and baby A, whom we named Cameron, died just 2 hours after his birth.  Baby B, whom we named Caleb, survived the day but this one doctor stepped in and inserted a feeding tube.  They were not supposed to do this.  Many doctors were very angry at the one doctor's decision to do this but once the tube was in place there was nothing they could do.  They urged us to bring him home and remove the tube ourselves but we were afraid to do that.  We didn't even know if that was legal for a parent to do so we said No.  After 2 weeks the hospital was desperate to get him out of there so they moved him to Ranked Jordan with our consent.  We then had a meeting with Ranken Jordan and finally got them to agree to remove Caleb's tube.  They were also afraid to do it because they were afraid of this being leaked to media and what would people think about their hospital if they knew it had done this?  Caleb died almost 2 days after his tube was pulled.  
This situation has left me emotionally scarred.  For weeks I swore I heard the baby boys crying in the house.  One night I woke my husband up because I was too tired to move and I told him to feed the baby... and he couldn't understand what I was talking about.  I am still afraid of pregnancy.  I know I have since had another baby but... I still have that feeling that something is wrong.  You'd have to see her to understand.  Her head is shaped funny... it's starting to bulge in the front like hydrocephalus.  The boys had hydrocephalus in utero but usually hydranecephaly patients do have hydrocephalus too.  The new baby obviously doesn't have hydranencephaly.  I just don't know.  I mean, for the first several weeks I didn't know I was pregnant and I wasn't eating because of my stomach shrinking up (from when I had problems with the pill).  I had switched to a new Ob to finish the care of this pregnancy... I didn't want to deal with Missouri Baptist if this pregnancy would turn bad.  I didn't go to many visits because I was just so depressed.  I had 2 ultrasounds during the pregnancy and the baby never moved.  Both times she just laid there moving her hand.  I never felt her kick, roll over, or even hiccup.  It seemed she'd only move her arm... for months I felt the same movement in the same spot.  She moved in the same exact way the twins did... real slow as if she were in slow motion.  I kept discussing my fears with my new Ob and she just blew them off... but she could never answer why the baby never moved during her ultrasounds or why she was always in the exact same position that she had been in months before (she must either be napping or she just like that position).  It just seems so odd to me...  and I always wonder if she doesn't have something neurologically wrong or if I did this to her... like maybe I wasn't eating enough to give her the proper energy.  I don't know....
All I do know is that I am severely messed up by my twins.  I am severely messed up because of what Missouri Baptist and those doctors did to me.  How can they do this to someone? Can you imagine carrying babies for months, knowing they were going to die?  And to have the hospital refuse to help you?  And then to deny me sterilization afterwards?  I don't get it.  Even my new doctor is giving me a hard time over being sterilized (she knows my sis has the baby and is afraid I don't completely understand what entails adoption).  I guess I'm going to have to go to Planned Parenthood to get this done.  I'm in no shape to go through another pregnancy... and it's not fair to the baby who was just born that I can't even allow myself to care for her.  I'm just glad that my sister is being so understanding and is raising her for me... cause I'm in no shape to do this... I can't even take care of myself.

[lisamichelle]

Hi!  Sorry I haven't responded to you sooner but I've been so busy I just haven't gotten on here.  Anyways, I can see your side.  Just so you know... I did try to prevent the pregnancy.  After the twins were born my husband and I just didn't mess around... we both agreed we didn't want to have any more pregnancies after what we went through.  When I was pregnant with the twins I had asked to be sterilized and my Ob agreed.  After the twins were born, however, he changed his mind.  My husband set up an appt with his doctor to discuss a vasectomy.  He also was dissuaded... not because of his age but because his doctor felt like he needed to go through counseling first to get over the twins.  He gave my husband an antidepressant... and that's where my husband left off.  I saw my Ob again late in 2006 for strong ovarian pain and was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst.  After a few months of waiting it was still there so I was put on the pill to get rid of it.  I used Seasonique for 3 months and switched to Yaz.  Within weeks I had horrible stomach pain.  I asked my Ob about it and he said it wasn't due to the pill... probably just had a stomach virus.  I went and saw my friend's Ob... he also said it wasn't pill related.  I gave up and tried my family doctor (insurance wouldn't cover another visit with another new Ob).  He diagnosed me with gastritis and for weeks the pain wouldn't go away.  I saw him again and pleaded with him to listen to me and he ended up yelling at me that the pill doesn't cause stomach pain... that I had gastritis and if I didn't do as he said and take my AciPhex then I would get an ulcer.  I wasn't eating, was constantly blacking out, and was exhausted from hunger.  I did my own research on Yaz and found that a possible and severe side effect was stomach pain.  That was it... I just stopped the pill.  Now, I hated to do that... and I hate the fact that I did have sex with my husband during that time, but he also knew I was going off the pill and was supposed to wear a condom.  He had it out and I never thought twice.  I never knew he never had it on... he never even "finished."  But... he learned from his mistake.  I have never let this go... and I haven't given him sex since I was 4 months pregnant.  He asks, and I say until one of us is fixed then to forget it.  Honestly, with this one, I would have terminated.  I didn't find out until 11 weeks.  I never had symptoms, I guess the symptoms were masked for weeks because I was still recovering from my ordeal with the pill.  It took months to get my appetite back up to normal... when I got hungry I just reached into the pantry and grabbed a few crackers or chips and just a few bites and I was full.  This is how I ate for much of the pregnancy.  I was just under so much depression and stress I just couldn't eat.  I never gained weight... it's horrible to think about.  Either way it's a done deal.  At this point I have signed my rights up to the baby and I'm waiting for my husband to do the same.  I have spoken with my sister's attorney (back in November) and if my husband doesn't make up his mind then my sister can easily terminate his rights... the court can see it as abandonment since he hasn't made an effort to even discuss his options with the attorney.  I know it sounds cruel... but I just can't do this.  I can't.  
For me... I have learned that you just can't trust anyone but yourself.  I thought my doctors would allow me to make my own choices and respect them for what they're worth.  I never thought I'd have to go through so much at the hands of medical care... it just doesn't make sense.  I have since complained to the hospital and learned that I can indeed file complaints with the Missouri State Board of Healing Arts.  All doctors in all states have to be licensed through a board such as this one and patient complaints are not taken lightly... a doctor can lose his/her ability to practice.  So of course I'm busy writing up complaints about my old Ob and my Fam doctor as well.  
I also never thought I'd never be able to trust my own husband.  He knew my situation and knew I didn't want to be pregnant again after what I went through.  Once the adoption is final I hope to be seeking divorce... but I can't tell him this until his rights are completely terminated because I don't want my sister to be hurt.  
If anyone is ever bored then you can read an article I've written about the Yaz birth control pill.  The easiest way to find it is to Google search Yaz + Gastritis.  It should be the first article that pops up.. "Hello My Name is Lisa...."  I want to educate women that this pill is not OK and I cannot tell you how many people have e-mailed me after reading this article.  
Thanks
Lisa

[ArmyPrincess819]

Understandable what you are saying. I posted it to her and apologized if I offended her. My highschool bff was adopted and she was a mess. She felt as though she was abandoned. In this situation it's not just about giving someone a chance at being a mother it's about taking responsibility for the choices we make. It's my opinion! I'm not really the one in need for advice Lisa michelle is. I just think that as adults most of the time we are in control of our actions and in this case she was. I don't judge her in any way I just want her to know what she could have done to have prevented the situation. I'm 12 wks and  6 days and  on bed rest I fear everyday of losing my baby. Again I did not set out to upset anyone but really the only one in this post I need to explain myself to is lisa michele which I have. Thank you......
AP

[daisymomlove]

I can understand what you're saying too as well.  Yes you can prevent from getting pregnant some times we don't think about things before we do it.  But she was saying that if she had to she would adopt out the baby.  So therefore she is giveing someone a chance that can't have a kid.  Something to get upset about is if she was going to have an abortion then yeah that would be something to throw in like " there are people that want kids and can't have them"  But she didn't have an abortion she was going to adopt the baby out.  Adoption these days are all that great either.  They either beat your kids, rape them, or kill them.  But I can understand where you're comeing from.  And another thing is haveing a misscarry, is way different than loseing a kid that is already born and that you've grown attached to.  It's way different so therefore the feelings would be much more stronger.  Just putting in my advise.

[ArmyPrincess819]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not really sure how to get my point across without somehow stepping on your toes. I have suffered 6 m./cs the last one I had was so painful on not only me but my hubby we seperated for a short period of time. Having a child is not something to be taken lightly. Regarding b/c I myself was on it at 20 (bc pills) and got pg so no it's not 100% effective. There are other forms of b/c. I don't agree with your choice then of not having at least your bf or hubby or partner not wear a condom or even a vasectomy. If in fact ther was a problem with your child they would have picked up on it in the hosp. Not to say issues can't occur down the road but for now it sounds like you have a healthy girl. Your baby needs you for everything and you made that choice to bring her into this world. I know so many women who have been trying for yrs to have just one baby one chance at a family and can't. No that is not your problem but it should be a reminder of how very lucky you are to have made it to the delivery after what you went through with the twins. I can't dictate to you have not being in your shoes but as a mother who lost her baby at 19 wks i can say I have been there with the pain and the fear etc. I had my last m/c in sept. I got pg with this baby my first cycle. I was so afraid of losing the baby I had to go to counseling when I finally let my guard down and start to enjoy being pg I ended up in the er 3xs in a month I went last weekend and mon I'm on bed rest I'm having like a period right now I have my 2nd urinary tract infection and have to see a urologist. I just finished up antibiotics for my uti and I'm on progesterone 2xs a day. I'm going through hell. My husband is in the army and going to iraq in a few mos and going for training in march. He is gone today for the army. He is enlisting full time active duty and we have to move my mom is dying of stage 3 lung cancer and I have to leave. Believe me I know it's overwhelming but I made the choice to become pg and so did you. If you have tried counseling and it hasn't worked maybe adoption would be best. You need to love being a mother before you can be a good parent. I'm sorry for your losses I'am but I'm just amazed at how you can make a life choice without thinking it through. There is so much help on this website and in the world. You have places to turn. I noticed you are 29 you are not a kid you are a woman who is in control of her life and the choices you make. I hope you find your way for the sake of your daughter. I wish you the best. I'm sorry if I may have gotten you upset. It was not my intention. I'm a straight to the point woman and I refuse to tell people what they want to hear. Good luck. If you need to talk I'm here. Best wishes to you....
AP

[daisymomlove]

I'm so sorry to hear that.  If you had specific insturctions that you wanted followed they should have done it with out telling you no.  Right then and there you should have gone to another doctor because they can't refuse you.  But I do know that in the state of ohio to get your tubes tied you have to be 21 and have 2 kids.  Which in a way I think that that is stupid.  I almost know what you're going through.  I lost my 1 and a half year old daughter 3 and a half years ago.  No one ever knew that there was anything wrong with her.   She one day was playing in her room.  She was a very good girl and hardly had any problems out of her.  Since she was an only child she was used to playing quitely in her room.  I'd check on her about every 10-15 mins.  Then one day I went to check on her and she was just laying on the floor.  I figured she got puckered out and took a nap on the floor.  So I went back in about a half an hour to check on her again and still nothing.  So I decided I'd put her in her crib.  Only to find her blue by then and not breathing.  By time the ambulance got there and to the hospital they couldn't save her.  They did an autopsy and found out she passed of cardiomyopthy.  (which is a heart desiese)  Never detected and to this day still don't know why she had it.  It tore me apart so bad because she was my first and all that I ever wanted.  I blamed the doctors for the longest but then again you can't detect it just by a routine check up listening to their heart.  I was so lost and empty because all I knew was to take care of a child.  A little while down the line I tried again.  I got preggo but ended up misscarring which almost killed me.  Another attempt I was successful.  I thought I was ready but got really scared as well and stressed through my pregnancy.  While going to my ob appointments, I made it clear that her (the new baby) heart needed to be checked.  I had her checked 3 times during my pregnancy and once afterwards.  Then I take her once every year until shes 18.  I to this day still will never get over it.  I cried for about a week straight after I had her because she did look like my other daughter and at times yeah i was scared to hold her too, not only that to get closely connected with her.  What helps me is talking to other peole that went through similar things.  It's a hard thing to get through and it takes time.  Just take time and if your family can help you cope with the new baby that would be great.  Maybe your family didn't adopt the baby because it just might be this baby that will help you through it.  I know it seems weird to say that but it helped me.  It will never ever replace what you lost or even forget,  but it will help you.  Keep you head up god works in misterious ways,  this might have been his way of saying you were ready.  Good luck and I hope this helped keep us posted.

[JoyRenee]

It sounds like she'll be in better care with your sister for the time being. And even if something IS wrong with her, it's okay to love her. I know you're fearful of her dying or being sick and you're juggling the guilt. But you also need to step in and be the mother that you weren't when pregnant with her. It's time to heal your heart and take care of your sweet, innocent baby girl.

I'm hope I'm not coming off as harsh because in my mind I'm trying to be delicate and gentle.

She is 8 months old now- how is she doing?

And if you're not going to take care of the little one, you should finalize some adoption papers with your sister so that she can be her legal guardian, if you haven't done so already. And so that you won't be able to take her from the only person she's known as a mother in the future.

*HUGS* You'll get through this. We all have trials and we all have bad things happen. We're here with you.

[lisamichelle]

Thanks!  To answer your questions, yes we have other children.  I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship and a son with my husband.  Ironically, we found out while I was pregnant this last time (but before I knew about it) that his cousin lost a little girl to this brain deformity.  Neither one of us is coping well... sometimes I think he resents me for asking my sister to raise the child.  My sister can't have children and has been spending thousands of dollars over many years to find the cause of her infertility.  I was saddened when I learned that she couldn't have her own.  I feel like maybe this is the best option for all.  We still can be a part of her life.  My sister recently asked if we'd feel better if we took the baby back... but I just can't.  I just have this "feeling" like something is wrong, sometimes I even feel guilty asking my sister to take her.  Like the mama bird who just knows and pushes the bad egg out of the nest.  I have done so much research online about pregnancies like mine... where there was a lack of care and nutrition during... and the end result was a low birth weight premature baby.  I just feel sick.  I had tried to reach out to my doctors... tried so hard... and it's like they pushed me away.  I had even tried to switch Ob's at the end... but once you reach a certain point in your pregnancy they won't take you.  I used a local pregnancy help clinic and they tried to find me a new doctor, but they explained that being in my third trimester they were all too nervous to take me as a new patient.  Now, everyday, I relive this over and over.  I feel either she has something wrong with her head (it is large and funny shaped, even my husband agreed), or I took away her chances of being healthy by not getting over the past.
I guess only time will tell...

[bimbicat7]

thats so sad im so sorry to hear this (hug) drs are there to help us and like you have said we find many times they are not there or do not listen to what we need/ want.
Im sure your little girl will be fine its a very hard thing to move past you never will the scars will always be there, at some stage they may just fade slightly we never forget the children we have lost.
have you any other children?
hows your partner coping?
you really need to talk to someone make them listen if the dr wont then go to another and another till someone does, maybe an antidepressent would be a good idea to help you for a while why you recover?
you need to find a dr who will listen to you,
how is your daughter now, has she put on wait and meeting milestones?
my prayers are with you take care of yourself