a very tight situation need some serious advice

[sandy_baby3oct6]

My daughter is 8 1/2, when she was 4 I find out that she had been molested sometime between the age of 2 1/2 and 3. While she was visiting her father for a weekend he had a party he'd been drinking and at the time had been smoking weed and doing other more serious drugs I'm nut sure if those we're going on at this party bcuz all my daughter can remember was that he was drinking beer. Well after she went to sleep and in assuming he had passed out a friend of his came into where she was sleeping and molested her. She never toldme i found a spot on her butt at 4 1/2 and took her to the ER where they confirmed my worst nightmare that she had indeed been abused but the scarring was between a year and two years old so we were unsure about the date and were only going by what she was telling us which wasn't much. Anyways me and her father had a long fight through court bcuz I wanted to make sure this wasn't going to happen again she went to counseling and eventually told more and more details about that night. Well i won in our court battle and it was ordered that while she visited her dad he was not allowed to leave her alone with ANY male whatsoever we never could press charges on the person who did this to her bcuz we didn't know and still don't know for sure who it is. So the court order was the most the courts could do with our situation. Well more she's 8 1/2 and is doing great considering what she's been through she's a very happy and loving little girl but we still struggle with her fear of the dark and being left alone. Well she was supposed to spend the night tonight at her dads and on our way there she told me she was nervous she changed her mind and wanted you stay with her Nana instead so we called her dad and told him which I'm sure he didn't like but said okay.  After i got off the phone with him she said she knows why she's nervous she said that she knows while she's with her dad at his house she's not to be left alone with any man and then she asked me if i knew his roommate i said yeah and she said that no he hasn't hurt her but while she's there her dad sleeps A LOT those were her words and while he's sleeping his roommate watches her and her brother and sister and she gets scared bring left alone with him.  I know his roommate personally from high school and he's never struck me as being a bad guy at all in fact he's really funny and he's a good dad and i don't think he'd ever hurt her but the fact is that he's violating our court order and she's scared!! I know if i bring this up to him I'd gonna start a hugeterrible uncalled for fight bcuz he freaks out when anybody even hints sound

[sandy_baby3oct6]

Thank you ladies so much for your input I'm going too talk to my ex about this and if he starts any crap with me I'm just gonna turn and walk away and go back to court cuz i do not have to deal with his **** anymore thank you so much i really needed some advice to help me make my decision its much appreciated thank you all so much :)

[Lillah]

Sandy thank you for staying strong and doing all you can for your baby girl. You know exactly what you need to do cause you said it....
We the parents have to teach our children to fight their own battles but some battles we just have to fight for them and this is it. I will pray for you and your family too hun!

[maybay]

I am 29 and both myself and sister were molested by the neighbor at age 3 and 4. I was afraid of the dark untill i was 20 and sometimes still have problems. I suggest talking to him and if he is unresponsive to the issue or blows up then take it back to court. There is no reason a young lady should be scared.

[NatFox]

To be honest.... I would stop all contact with him... I would move thousands of miles away from him even to another country if needed....
Hope it will all work out for you.

[Flickan]

Be strong. Teach her how to fight and protect herself the healthy way. You won't ne there 24/7 for the rest of her life. Since dad isn't doing it, you need to teach her how to be a strong independent woman who knows boundaries and maybe even a karate class would help.

[GordonBaby]

And if he cant do that or understand that then don't let her go there anymore.....period

[GordonBaby]

I too was molested at about her age now, by a family member and I had never told anyone until I found out that my cousin was molested as well. Honestly, the only thing that I think helped me was seeing my father beat the S*** out of his cousin in front of us. I was assured that it would never happen again in a sense. NOT saying that that is what should happen. but your daughter is going to need closure at some point in her life when it comes down to it. HER FATHER needs to help her come to her closure. HE needs to reassure her that something like that will NEVER happen on his watch. She more than likely has no confidence in her dad, which is sad because as a little girl, your father is supposed to be your protector. The person you go to when something happens. Honestly......I think he is POS for going against the court, not only that, but his little girl is not okay with it either. Somehow you and him and your daughter need to sit down (you being her confidence) and have her tell him that she doesn't like it, and that his roommate never did anything but that she wants to be with her daddy and not some other guy. If he can't do that then you take his sorry belligerent *** back to court. There is NO reason why your daughter is left with other people when visiting her father anyway. I know that you don't want to deal with his crap, but god forbid something else happened to your daughter. SHe has got to be able to trust that Daddy won't let anything happen to her.

[sandy_baby3oct6]

Thank you guys I don't know his roommate that will i def wouldn't consider him a friend i just know of him i have done so much when it comes to protecting my baby and i have been through hell and high water for her this whole situation has made me I've been to court so many times about him doing the things he's doing and not doing the things he should be doing he's never paid me barely a penny in child support and I've taken him to court just over this situation probably 6 times and I've won every time i spoke with my dad just now about this and he thinks i should just go to court again he still smokes weed he still drinks and parties almost every freaking night even on nights that she's staying with him is what she has told me just today so that alone makes me want to put down my foot and stop her from going over there until we settle it with court he's been awarded full physical custody of his other two kids but that's mainly bcuz their mom just dropped then off and never came back!! He just won't grow up and be a freaking parent and he's not keeping her safe so he's given me no choice but to keep her safe for him which means she's not staying another night over there i wouldn't be able to sleep knowing she's okay if i were to let her go back I'm just so scared history is gonna repeat itself and she's gonna get hurt again and i can't be sure that its not unless she stays with me but i will be talking to her and explaining all of this to her and make sure she's okay with it you guys are right about finding out what she wants too thank you ladies so much ineed to hear someone elses opinion too

[Kitiaralil]

Safety first your ex's feelings second. If she is scared he needs to know. Period. If you and your daughter are afraid to confront him, then you and you're daughter are recreating circumstances for history to repeat themselves. What you can do is invite him to a family meeting with a therapist so that there is a non biased third party moderator available to help, but you can't ignore your daughters fears because you don't want to hurt his feelings. It needs to be brought to his attention for her sake and his. If she's afraid of spending time with him, that will damage their relationship. Jmo.

[Flickan]

I'm a survivor as well. I give you a lot of kudos for what support you have given your daughter since you found out. My guess is that your ex freaks out because either 1) he feels guilty about what happened knowing it was on his watch or 2) he is guilty of something else and that is his distraction technique to draw you away from the real issue. She has already told you that she doeant want to see her dad due to his roommate. She could have a gut instinct about him...an intuition which is telling her to run, or she needa to get further in her therapy before she can feel comfortable in a setting such as her dads. You may want to talk to your daughter first and see if she wants you to be with her to tell her dad why she is uncmfortable. 1) that teaches her the strength to stand up for herself and not become a victim again and 2) it will help your ex to understand its her issue and not an issue with him from you. You will also be there to protect her just in case. But she needs to be strong for herself. That may help her with her other issues such as fear of the dark or left alone. Maybe not overnight, but a beginning.

[castillo82]

*not in an online forum.....typo

[castillo82]

First and foremost you are strong for going thru this. I seriously pray that I never suffer my daughter going thru something like this because I might be telling the story from a cell and in an online forum. With that said...your daughters safety both physical and mental is priority number one! I know you are friends with the room mate, but a court order is just that! If he needs that much sleep tell him to take a nap and meet y'all at pizza hut for his visitation if he truly wants to see her. Im sorry hun, im like mama bear when it comes to something like this because God gives us our little ones  to protect come hell or hot water....def praying for you with this one!

[kcjcgagne]

Ask her what she wants to do if she wants to see her dad. ... if he cared about her well being he would take 1 day of his time and keep his sorry *** awake....sorry to use that kind of language but thats pitiful. ...I grew up without a dad at the age 9 until now I'm just fine. ..I would rather her b happy without her father then scared for the rest of her life if she was my daughter. .... its time to put u and ex to the side and ask her what she wants

[sandy_baby3oct6]

Wow i didn't mean to post yet i know this is ridiculously long and in sorry but there's just so much to the story that you guys need to know to give the right advice! If anybody even hints around to him being a bad dad or doing something wrong as a parent he literally freaks out and wants to like fight and scream and yell and I'm almost5 months pregnant I'm not trying to fight with anybody key alone my ex about my daughters safety hr should know not to be doing this and she wouldn't have to worry about being hurt again! So my question us what should i do? My husband thinks i should have my daughter talk to her dad about this but i think that's putting way too much pressure on her so please help me ladies I'm worried about my baby girl i don't want her to have to take care of this herself with her dad bcuz i really don't think she will i think she'll end up being to scared to tell him and not do it do what should i do?