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When do you know that you're ready for baby number 2

Hey - all your stories sounds so interesting and I admire the mommies on here with more than one child. I'm married. Have a 6 year old. She's very lonely..my husband wants another child..Problem is:
1-Im 29 years old..I met my husband when I was 19,we moved in together, I fell pregnant at 22 years, hence I never really had a chance to enjoy my life (live care free and enjoy what other 19 year old girls do)
2-I was in labour with my child for 18 hours, I had an all natural birth,I had to be induced, hence the feeling left me traumatized.
3- I've discovered a hobby (drinking on weekends) which I love! I didnt drink alcohol with my first pregnancy, and I'm not sure if I am ready to make that commitment for 9 months.
4- my husband and i have both not realized our goals financially. We both have jobs, but we are only earning enough to hardly get by until the next pay day.
I know it might seem like I'm overthinking, but this is a life long commitment that I will have to stick to my choice. My baby is really lonely and I hate to see her suffer like this, but there are too many factors that doesn't afford me the opportunity to bring another life into this world. Please give me your opinions on the matter. Thanks
2 Responses
5536886 tn?1455827346
COMMUNITY LEADER
It sounds like you feel as if you don't want to child right now- do you think you ever want to have another, or is it just right now you don't?

I'll share a little of my story- but I want to say that it's important you decide this and not let other's opinions dictate this.  This should be something both, you and your husband are talking about- it helps to hear from others too- but don't let someone else make this decision for you- I'm sure you are just gathering thoughts, but just wanted to say that to make me feel better!  ;)

I was married very young, had my first when I was 19- about nine months after we got married (now in my 30's)- so like you, I never had a 'carefree' life- in fact, even as a teen, I was assisting in raising my younger siblings and never went out or anything.  I hear from a lot of others that I "missed out" and others that have similar feelings you do about not being able to be young and 'have fun'- to be clear those feelings are not wrong- but I choose to look at it from a different perspective.  Maybe going out for drinks and taking time to just 'enjoy' life is great- it's fun, it's enjoyable, and it's relaxing- but taking the time to raise my children, to enjoy them (and yes- you sometimes have to work at that), and to have those memories- no amount of nights out can even come close.  At the end of my life- what do I want to have said about me?  What do I want to leave behind?  In the end, those evenings out are pretty fleeting and won't amount to much later on.  I have never run into a mother whose raised her kids and said that she wished she had more nights out- I have run into several that state that they wished that had more kids.  When deciding if we wanted more kids- I took this under consideration a lot.  What's fun and enjoyable isn't always worth our time- I know sounds a bit weird, but it isn't- sometimes those things that take some work are worth way more in the long run.  Instead of looking at what you missed out on, look at what you have- many people have the ability to go out and have fun, but the don't have kids- some of them don't want kids, but others can't have them- they don't even have the option and would trade that life style for kids in a heartbeat.  For myself, after having the children I do- I can't imagine trading any of them for a nights out.  

To address your second point- child birth isn't easy, I won't lie- but I will tell you that every labor story is different.  I have not had a single delivery that was identical.  There are many more options for labor and delivery than there were 6 years ago- it's really amazing.  Don't let a fear of one day of labor, stop you from making a decision to have a child- it's one day, and if you have a good doctor (we use a midwife)- there are so many more options for pain control that weren't there before.  You will be better prepared next time (if there is a next time), too, which is an advantage.  

As far as giving up drinking- it's certainly a commitment that's worth making if you decide to have another child.  We give up a lot during pregnancy.  I feel like it's such a short time in the grand scheme of a whole life, but if it's not a commitment you can make- share that with your husband and talk it out- because in reality, it's probably longer than 9 months you would not being going out each weekend.  

As far as finances- I kinda feel like there is never a good time to financially have another child.  Each time we added a child, we had to evaluate our life style and make adjustments- even in times we were doing 'well'.  We cut back on things like going out to eat or even other things that were much harder to give up.  We live pretty simply at this point- but I can't say that I'd replace one child for that money back.  We've learned to live with less and be content- because, like I mentioned earlier, we focus on what we have instead of what we don't.  

All that said- keep in mind this is my personal perspective and I know that not everyone will feel the same way.  If you are going to have another child- it sounds like you will have to make some serious adjustments in your life, and it's good you are taking that into consideration.  If you want to have another at any point- I'd suggest starting to make some of those adjustments now and see how it goes.  If you decide that you just never want another child- be very up front, clear, and honest about it with your husband.  

Hope that helps, and best of luck as you navigate this decision!  
3 Comments
wow..I've never looked at things this way..i mean..your so honest, and real, and thank you for being so polite and mature about the matter..you've certainly made me look at things differently and I value and respect your opinion, and I'm so grateful that I've met a person who can lay the good, bad and ugly out, in such an awesome way. God bless you. (You have really made a difference in my life, and I will forever be thankful for that)..Lots of love
Glad that the reply could help- keep us updated on how you are doing and if you do decide to have another, let us know how we can help you as you walk through pregnancy!  
I enjoyed reading your response as well, purple.  Thanks for that!
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi Chellie, welcome!!  

Wow, I think you are so smart to put thoughtful consideration into this important decision!  I'm impressed.  I had a first birth like yours.  Lordy, it was insane.  I had something called latent phase labor and it actually started on a Thursday and I had my son on the following Sunday morning.  It was 18 hours of being induced!  Traumatic is right.  We induced my second son at 39 weeks and that was MUCH better and since you had that labor experience, you may go that route too.  Time will tell with that.  

Anyway, must say a disclaimer here, there is no right or wrong answer on this. There are all sorts of families, all sorts of values and all sorts of situations that work.  I'm only sharing my own thoughts and they may not apply to you. This is so individual.

Anyway, to me,  finances are important.  I was very practical before I had my first about this because I know that when finances are a problem, the house can be less peaceful.  It's one of the top reasons couples break up, unfortunately.  I think because of the stress it can bring.  So, I'd always lean on being in a better financial position than not before another kiddo.  It sounds like you and your husband are working on that.  You'll get there!  One thing that I did not realize when my kids were babies was that the real expense of kids comes later.  I wanted my kids to be able to explore their passions and interests.  I wanted to be able to provide that opportunity to them.  My two boys are in sports, band and scouts.  They've also had some interest in robotics (lego), art, and writing.  Their activities have created enormous expense for us.  But I want them to be able to do the activities that they love. But I had no idea when I was worried about the price of so many diapers how expensive it would be down the road.  Just feeding two boys in the early teen years . . . my grocery bill, yikes! lol  So, it does get more expensive as tie goes on.  We even pick and choose what they can do based on the expense and it still racks up.  Husband and I drive older cars, need some cosmetic things in the house that we forgo, etc. because we put our money toward the kids.  I have friends that would rather have the car.  That's their choice.  :>)  This is again, all very personal. But am just pointing out some reality of what happens financially as kids get older.  

How far kids are spaced out is personal too.  My boys are 15 months apart.  This has been a blessing and a curse on any given day.  lol  My biggest challenge is giving each isolated, individual time.  My kids want that. They want to, for example, have my undivided attention to tell me about their school day. Hard when they walk in the door together and both ready to talk!  I've had to problem solve and they take turns getting my attention to give me the 411 on their day first and alone and then I give the next the opportunity to do that.  When they were little, they were super fun but it was super tiring.  lol  Oh my, the energy in our house.  I think I was running on fumes during those years.  But it was generally happy chaos.  Your two won't be that close even if you got pregnant right now so that distance in age will help cut down on the chaos factor a lot.  I have so many memories of my first son with that year we had together before my second arrived but darn it, my second son as an infant is a little of a blur.  That part hurts my heart a little.  But overall, I wouldn't change it because I adore my kiddos.  And they are good buddies (and enemies occasionally). lol

My sister had her kids spaced far out.  She wouldn't change that. Other than she felt like she had a little one for SO many years and talks about that in a way that it sounds like she doesn't appreciate it.  ??  I feel like my little one's years were too fast and she feels like hers were strung out.  But her kids are all good friends and buddies too.  In fact, my sister is 5 years older than me.  

I have friends who spaced their kids purposely every 2 years and have 4.  They like that.

So, I think whatever you do, it will probably be fine. Because you will adore your kids and it will be your family.  But agree that the financial piece is important for things like a peaceful marriage.  :>)  
4 Comments
@SpecialMom, I appreciate ur advice. One of the most important factors I forgot to mention is that, I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago(My mom, granny, brother and uncle all passed away in a space of 6 months) so that's 4 loved ones, who died within a space of 6 months, one after the other.. that took a toll on me, i became very depressed. Took bipolar meds. But i've decided last year that the meds were altering my mind and made me slower..kind of retarded..so im currently on a mild anti-depressant (which im sure I can tapper off, as I left my bipolar meds cold turkey and didnt have any withdrawal symptoms).. I also take a sleeping tablet as i have very bad insomnia..I know that I will have to get off the meds at least a few months before actively trying to conceive, but how will I cope with the insomnia? Sorry for all this guys, but I really appreciate you guys taking time out of your day to assist..i appreciate it so much! Lovies always
Im currently on Nuzak for depression - I'm reading that it's safe during pregnancy(i just dont want to risk having an mentally unwell baby) Im using Zopivane as a sleeping tablet and have read its safety in pregnancy hasnt been established.
Where to from here?
I'm sorry for all your losses!  That is so very hard and will definitely take a toll.  I would watch for bipolar symptoms though from here on out.  That diagnosis isn't usually just from situational depression.  But it sounds like you are doing pretty well off the medications they prescribed for it, so that is good.  LOTS of women battle mental health issues and have to work through that when pregnant.  Doctors do a risk to benefit ratio and there are actually several antidepressant medications that are now used when someone is pregnant.  They aren't going to have an indication because it's nearly impossible to do studies on pregnant women or children with medications but they are often used very safely.  I'd speak to your doctor about this. And you may want to work with a psychiatrist as well.  That way, you can be treated as best as possible while pregnant as we all know that hormones can wreak their own havoc on mental health.  Post partum depression is difficult and actually can surface as just anxiety.  we want you to enjoy your new baby too when they would get here.  :>)  There are statistics regarding depression.  One episode could be one episode.  But if it is a particularly long episode and/ or if there is another to follow, that often is an indication that it will be a chronic condition.  But please know that this would put you in the same boat with so many other people and moms.  

Sleeping pills are again something you'd need to speak to your doctor about.  They use different things safely during pregnancy even without FDA approval (again due to no one being able to conduct a scientific study as no one would volunteer for such a study).  Not sure about the sleeping pill you are taking.  So, talk to your doctor.  

When I wanted to conceive, I set up an appointment with my ob to discuss my health and circumstances.  Then we had a game plan.  ??  Not sure if that would be beneficial for you but it would maybe get all of your questions answered with regards to medication.

You sound really consciousness and that is perfect.  You are thoughtful in your approach to this and I admire that.  We're here to help any way we can and are cheering you on!  
Definitely important to work closely with your doctor given the other medical related concerns that you have- keep open communication with them and don't be afraid to ask questions- like specialmom suggested, before trying to conceive, if you go that route- set up an appointment so that you can work out a good plan!  

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