Pregnancy: Aug 2009 Babies Community
185 Members
519661 tn?1264519808

DH doesn't want to be in the delivery room!! :(

okay ladies, i would like your opinions here...

tonight dh and i went to visit my aunt and uncle and we were talking about how the baby will be coming soon, etc.  we all started joking around about how he is going to need "protective gear" in the delivery room, etc. (he has 2 kids from his previous marriage, but both were delivered scheduled c-section and this will be the first vaginal birth he has witnessed)  it was all in good fun, and dh was having a good laugh about it right along with us!!  all of a sudden he gets real serious and says, "well i think i will either be in the waiting room or at home"  my uncle thought he was still kidding and dh responded that he was dead serious because he refuses to go into the delivery room where he will be "verbally or possibly physically abused"!!  my uncle said, "by who?" and dh responded with the answer "by jeannie while she is pushing the baby out".   i was so shocked and astounded that i didn't say much, and by that time it was time for us to go....anywho, we get in the car and asked dh if he was really serious and he said yes!!  he said he would rather sit at home or possibly in the waiting room because he isn't going to have me swear at him or hurt his feelings just because i am having a baby!!  i explained that i have had 2 other vaginal deliveries and that it is hard work....i probably won't be sweet and loving, but that it is a miracle to see a baby being born that way!!  he just responded that he refuses to be "verbally abused" in the process!!   i am not talking to him right now and am still really upset about the conversation...

what would you ladies do/think?!?  
19 Responses
171768 tn?1324233699
holy cr@p- i have no advice but wanted to say that you are 100% right in being upset!

where on earth is he getting this idea? I never had a vaginal birth, but in all of the baby story episodes I've watched (which has been waaaayy too many lately), the mother, no matter how much pain, has never verbally abused the father. Those are the stories people jokingly tell, i think.

I would tell him that you expect him to be there, and if he feels he's not man enough to handle it when you're actually having the baby, then he can leave.
719902 tn?1334168783
OMG! I would kill my DH.  I mean, sure it's not fun for him either, but seriously! As far as being "verbally abused", that is a pathetic reason, that should be the least of his concerns, after your well-being, baby's well-being, etc.

I don't know what to tell you, if he is dead set on NOT being there, I don't know how you can change his mind.  And even if you do, he may be so unpleasant that you'll wish he wasn't there.  It would have been nice to know sooner!!  Do you have a close friend/relative who could be your coach?? You may have a better experience with a female coach who actually wantes to be there for you....
229760 tn?1291471470
Oh, I am so sorry this makes me so sad.  Do you think that he like all of sudden started freaking out and that is why he is acting this way?? Did you guys ever talk about this before or did you just assume like the rest of us that he would be in there holding your hand.  

I do not even know how I would handle this. I would be super p'od and I would not talk to him either.  

Wow, I really hope that he was having a guy moment and he will come to his senses before you go into labor.  To bad we do not all live close by, because you had plenty of us to be there to cheer you on!

210400 tn?1325384170
I would be devastated, I'm sorry I have no advice. Except for to come right out and tell him how upset you'll be that he isn't there.
128458 tn?1286480387
wow. i can see him being afraid of blood/bodily functions & being worried he might pass out/take the focus off you - and for that reason maybe want to wait in the waiting room...but because he refuses to have you "verbally abuse" him?! OMG i would be supremely pissed. you are having HIS child. you are dealing with the pain, and the poking/prodding - the least he can do is stand there by your side & be there for you. i'm sorry youre dealing with this.
716818 tn?1241030659
I wish I had advice to offer here but I don't.  I do hope he changes his mind.  My DH says he'll be there but he won't hold my hand for fear of me crushing his.  Men are just big babies about all this.

Good luck dealing with him.  
519661 tn?1264519808
thanks for all your opinions/advice...it really, really helps!!  i think he is just being a big baby and isn't liking all the attention on ME...he wants pats on the back and to be told how great he is....we had a long talk this morning and basically it's driving him nuts that when the phone rings, etc.  all they want to know is how the baby and i are doing and no one has any interest in how HE is doing.  i can understand his feelings to a point but i have been going through A LOT the past couple of months with having 3 kidney stones and still having pneumonia, etc.  i tried to explain to him that it's scary having a baby and it's painful...us joking about the delivery room last night is to ease tension and fear of the pain, etc., but as soon as gracie is born it all fades away....all the pain, stress and nerves melt away as soon as you see your baby for the first time.  he says he will go in now, but if i say anything that is mean or "demeans" him as a man in any way that he will leave.  i don't know...  i plan on having 2 of my closest friends with me in the delivery room, so i don't feel so bad about being TOTALLY alone, but i think he should be there...this is HIS baby too and if something extraordinary happens and i do happen to turn into some type of creature, i still think he should be there....it's not him pushing a baby out!!  he doesn't have a small human being coming out his who-ha!!  anyway, i feel a rant coming on, lol  

thanks again, ladies....wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed!!
652679 tn?1276990960
I'm sorry if this sounds cruel but I think that he is being very selfish and to put it mildly at butthead....You are going to be going through one of the most painful and extraordinary experiences in life and all he can think about is how you might hurt his feelings......I'm very sorry for sounding so mean but he should grow up a bit and think about how you are feeling at this time. Sorry again it is just my own opinion. I'm sorry you have to go through all this.
689265 tn?1251133687
i've read a few posts about your husband and i am sorry to say so  ( but i always speak my mind ) i think he's a bit of an as$hole
419158 tn?1316575204
Well I hope he stays in the delivery room where he belongs. I wonder why he seems to think you would yell at him?? This is my 4th pregnancy and I have NEVER yelled at my DH. Although this time around I might try to just to see what it feels like, lol. I hope I can remember, hehe. My DH has always been great about staying close by. He acually has never left my side unless I go to the bathroom, but unlike most guys that stay awhile afterward or even overnight, my DH is gone within an hour or two after I give birth:( He says I need to rest and he needs to work, lol. Plus we have 3 other kids at home this time so I just expect him to be in the room when I give birth than he can leave and pick me up when its time to leave for all I care, hehe:) I hope your DH understands how important his role in that delivery rom is and stands up to the plate. Good luck!
519661 tn?1264519808
i agree, he is a butt-head and an a-hole!!  lol  i love the man dearly, but the childishness and attention seeking gets a bit old, to say the least.  i live in reality (most of the time) and don't hold a lot of illusions that he is going to be "super-dad"  i could go on and on, but i have posted about him before and there is little change in his attitude and behavior.  i was hoping there would be a change when i got further along, there was none.  i then held out that there would be a change when he found out what we were having, there was none.  i know that gracie is going to be my responsibility and that i and my family are going to provide the love and caring for her in her life....it just makes me sad for this tiny baby and for dh that they are going to miss out.  sorry, i am just so very sad right now and i feel really alone, angry and hurt.  don't mean to vent my problems out on you all, but i TRULY thank you for listening to my rantings and ravings....it helps to get it out!!  i don't know what i would do without you ladies and our little august forum!!  
691102 tn?1252879975
Man, just ask him if he had someone standing there shoving a watermelon up his anus would he be sitting there being all polite and lovely. (sorry if that is too graphic but god men can be inconsiderate, isn't it funny how they turn everything around to be about them). And be honest how many women actually lay there and abuse their husbands. I know with both my births i said the odd swear word but it wasn't to him, it was more like F#* this hurts.
Good luck and if he's going to be a jerk and say that now maybe you'll be better off taking someone more supportive into the delivery room with you.
127124 tn?1326739035
With his attitude I would tell him to stay away from the hospital and have your friends with you.      My husband wasn't a great deal of help,  he was whiney because he was tired and hungry (so he says)  but never once did he say he didn't want to be there.

349463 tn?1333575176
My dh freaks out every so often and says crazy things that he takes back. This pregnancy has been pretty hard on him too. Maybe it's the same thing. He might realize what a punk he is acting like and get over it before delivery time. He sounds just like my friend's husband. He always says things like that to her. I wonder if he would be emabrassed if his friends found out he was too afraid of being in the delivery room because someone might call him a name? LOL I just thought of something you should tell him he better be there or he has a LIFETIME of name calling headed his way. Good luck.
419158 tn?1316575204
Has your DH changed his mind yet?? I was talking to my DH about this and he cant think of a single reason your DH might have to not be there for you. My DH was pretty blunt and told me to tell you to tell your DH that he was there for the conception he needs to man up and be there for the delivery. Just passing on a message:)
519661 tn?1264519808
hi, tabby!!

he has and hasn't changed his mind...i am actually thinking of leaving at this point....make a long story short, we have one vehicle (he wrecked his) and with everything going on, contractions the dilatation and effacement (4 cm dilated and 70% effaced now) and now losing my mucus plug, he still has no regard on what is going on with this baby and will stay gone from 8am until usually 11pm or midnight (last night it was just before midnight...he was fishing with his buddies) no calls or letting me know he is going to be out, NOTHING...just comes home and goes to bed, etc.  he has done nothing to help me prepare...thank God for good friends that have helped me shop, set up the crib and nursery, etc.    he says he will go into delivery as long as it is just me and him... he doesn't want me to have any of my friends or family in with us, well i may be wrong, but SCREW that....they have been there for me through everything, not him!!  i can't tell you how many people have made the comment that they would have never known that we were expecting a baby...he doesn't talk about gracie AT ALL not to his friends or family....nothing.  sorry, i am ranting and raving, but here it is...UGGGHHH!!!

667409 tn?1309155783
I think the verbal abuse would commence RIGHT NOW. OMG...I can't imagine the anger and hurt and resentment I'd feel if my husband didn't want to be there when his child is being born. But I have to agree with worried babe...over the past few months I remember reading things you posted about your husband and he DOES sound like a self-centered a-hole at times. I mean, honestly, doesn't he realize that the birth is not ABOUT HIM??? Jeez louise...how ego-centric can a person BE??? I feel for you, and I hope that the birth goes smoothly for you and baby...good luck!

463595 tn?1334000822
i can only hope that he  will change after holding her in his arms. I wish you all the best.
229760 tn?1291471470
Well said, Colorado, I truly hope the same! I hope his heart melts when he sees that beautiful little girl for the first time!!!!  

drmwvrjean- We are all here for you!!! So, please do not apologize for venting! These lovely ladies have said everything,  I just wanted to say I support you too!!!!!
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