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Pregnancy: Aug 2009 Babies Community
185 Members
519661 tn?1264516208

Is "Daddy" interested?!?

Good morning, ladies!!  I hope that this finds you all well and in good health and spirits!!  :)

I haven't posted a lot lately...been down in a funk and wanted some opinions and advice!!  This baby is going to be my 3rd child, and although I am thrilled, I am also feeling alone, vulnerable, etc.  My first 2 children are from my first marriage and their dad is VERY involved in their lives, on a daily basis in fact.  Although our marriage did not work, we have found a way to be great friends and it is awesome not only for our kids, but for us. (I mean who wants to be at each other's throats constantly?!?)

This little peanut is with my current hubby.  He also has 2 children from a previous marriage.  His ex and him do NOT get along at all and there are a lot of hard feelings, etc.  The kids stay with us on every other holiday and during the summer.  He basically does not have a relationship with his kids, even when they are here.  When they are home he does not call them or keep in contact with them.  The only time he speaks with them is when his ex happens to call which is every 2-3 months or so.  This has always upset me and I have tried to have him pursue a relationship with his children, etc. to no avail.  I guess I was naive enough the first year or two that I thought the lack of a relationship was due to the hard feelings his ex and him have for each other, etc.

I don't know why I thought this baby would be different with him!!  He shows no to little interest in the pregnancy and pretty much ignores my widening belly and the fact that I am pregnant.  I am due at the end of August...the 24th, and he has told those that ask that I am due in July!  I felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday and he didn't have anything to say!!  I have told him of my insecurities and fears, etc.  and he says the pregnancy just isn't real to him right now, but his feelings will change when I am further along.  I don't have a lot of people to lean on...my Mom (who was so amazing and supportive during my other pregnacies!!) passed away in Dec. of 2006, and I don't have any living brothers or sisters, cousins, etc.  My Dad passed away in 1996 and since then we have had a lot of tragedy of losing a lot of people in our family.  I just pretty much have you ladies here at Medhelp!!  :)

Anywho, sorry for the ramble...thanks for reading/listening in advance.  Blessings on your day!!  xxxxxxxxxxx

Jeannie
16 Responses
667409 tn?1309152183
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be heartbreaking. The first thing that came to mind when I read your post is that you'd be better off being single. I was single with first two children, and because I had no expectation of a partner being involved, I built up supportive friendships at work and with neighbors. I never felt isolated or alone. Sometimes I think it's worse having the expectation that the baby's father - your "partner" - will be involved, then have them be distant. Also, if he's that uninvolved with his other children, I can't imagine that he will really be much different with this one. So, in my opinion, you have some decisions to make...remain in the marriage, but don't expect much and just go on with your life. Concentrate on friends and your children. Or leave your husband. Either way isn't ideal - but whose life IS ideal? You have to do what's best for your baby...and I, personally, feel that being single and happy is a much better environment that having two parents there but an unhealthy relationship.

Again...I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you ever want to vent or anything, just write me!

Tricia
178698 tn?1228774338
Sometimes men come around after the baby is born.  I wouldn't quite kick him to the curb at this point.  
667409 tn?1309152183
If the guy has two children already and hasn't come around for *them, the chances he will come around this time, for *this baby, are pretty slim. His past behavior indicates he's not "daddy" material. It's kind of like men who cheat...a woman has an affair with a man, he leaves his wife and marries her, then she's shocked when he cheats on HER. Why would she believe he'd ever be any different? I'd definately kick him to the curb. Of course, having raised two children by myself already, I'm not afraid to be alone. I'd prefer it over being in an unhappy relationship.

Anyway...Jeannie, I hope everything works out for you!
519661 tn?1264516208
thanks for the advice, ladies...i really appreciate it!!  :)

Tricia...I appreciate your insight and you sharing your story with me and I know that your right...the odds are slim to none that he will be here for this baby, and it makes me so very sad...  :(  and what makes me the saddest is this little peanut seeing my other 2 kids doing a lot of fun and bonding stuff with their daddy and this little one not having that presence in it's life.  

thanks again, ladies!!:)

719902 tn?1334165183
Sorry to hear about your position... it s u c k s.  Don't give up too soon, though, people can change!

My DH and I have 3 kids together, and he also has a daughter from a previous relationship.  The fact that he has little to do with her should have given me a clue, but her mother is *very* difficult to deal with and I assumed that was why.

Throughout my pregnanices, he shows very little interest, and helps very little with them after they are born.  He is definitely not a baby person.  Too be honest, he never really wanted kids but I *must* have kids so I kinda forced them on him.; )  Since he never lived with his oldest daughter, even from birth, they never had a chance to get close.  Being with our kids every day has made a big difference.

Now that they are older, our youngest is 3, he is much more hands-on.  In some ways I have had to force him to be, by leaving him home to "babysit", etc. and insisting that he take his turn with Boy Scouts, baseball practice, etc.
I think a lot of it has to do with how he was raised.  His dad was not loving or attentive, very harsh (abusive?) and *never* said I love you or anthing nice.  So DH really doesn't know how a father is supposed to be, not to make excuses for him, but seriously.

Anyway, I am sorry that you don't have more support from family, and it would suck for you to see your kids treated differently by their fathers.  But all you can do is be the best mom you can and hope it is enough!

Sometimes I could take my husband or leave him (although I DO love him! hehe), but I know that with or without him my kids will be fine, you know??  

Good luck to you, I hope you find peace in your situation!!

551885 tn?1300383822
I am sorry for what you are going through.  I can't imagine if I didn't have the support of my husband.  I told him I went to the dr.s office last week to try and move my u/s up and he about freaked thinking I was going to try and have it done without him...which I would never do.
I find it hard to imagine that yours will change, but try to get him involved.  Is there any way you can talk to your dr. about it?  I realize it is a long shot, but maybe they have some experience in daddy's not being involved like they should be.  I just hope that something will change for him if you try talking to him.  He is your husband and should love you enough to try and sit and talk to him about how you fell. I REALLY wish you the best of luck :)
463595 tn?1333997222
I am sorry for what you are going through. pregnancy should be a joy for both parents:(

did you guys planned it or it happened ??? i was trying for a baby for 6 years and now sometimes i am realizing that he tried with me b/c he was sure i wont get pregnant. he says that he is happy about a baby but i just dont see it:((( i am with you if you ever need to talk you know were to find it. And its good that you lay it off . but there is always hope that when he will holld the baby for 1st time he will change
519661 tn?1264516208
i am so sorry that you are going through a similar situation....my heart goes out to you...i know how it is making me feel right now, and i would never wish these feelings on anyone...

no, this baby was not planned.  in fact, i was supposed to get my tubes tied in october, but came down with a really bad cold and had to cancel.  we did take precautions, but i truly believe that God knows best and gave us this little tiny peanut for a reason.  no life is ever, ever a mistake!!  my other 2 children were not planned either, per say, and i cannot imagine one day without them in our lives!!

i am also here for you if you ever need to talk or vent...i am more than happy to be here to listen, etc.  take care and thanks for sharing!! xxxxxxxxx
463595 tn?1333997222
so it was a gift from good , lets enyoy our pregnencies and babies i got to lisen my baby heart today for 36 sec bc he was keep sweaming away and it make me feel much better
419158 tn?1316571604
COMMUNITY LEADER
Jeannie , I am so sorry that you are going throught this:( As I was reading your post it reminded me alot of my self and my pregnancys. My hubby is and was the same as yours, that being said I had him read your post, hopefully getting some insight on how the male brain works. My hubby has a 14 year old daughter with a woman who was just a "pot buddy" in HS, Nothing more, After learing of her pregnancy he tried to be a man and be a part of his daughters life only to be told he wasnt the father:( Well years down the road, after we had been together for about 3 years, he gets papers ssent to him ordering child support. Over the years he has tried to make it work, (kinda) but the mother of his DD has made it impossible. Just recently he was told that his DD might be coming to live with us because her mom cant deal with her. My hubby has never came out and said it, but I know if there would have been some kind of bond from the begining he would be more involved in her life. Now his responce to your hubbys reaction to your pregnancy.................First off he wanted me to tell you that this is only his feeling and why he acted the way he has during all of my pregnancys and is not positive that your hubby has the same reasons, being that he doesnt know him personaly. My hubby has never gotten excited about any of our pregnancys because he doesnt want to get too attached incase something were to happen, thats his reasoning, I have kinda got my own but we'll leave that alone, Every time I got pregnant and told him, he kinda went into shock for awhile, I think the cost of raising a child got to him. Even though all our children were planned go figuar, IDK. But also instead of trying, he always said were not going to try not, if that makes since, lol. I took it as a go when he stopped using the pull out methode. But I has to say that when it was all said and done I could never have asked for a better father to my children. As unattached as he was during my pregnancys he made up for when I was in labor and after. He never left my side the whole time. He was such a proud pappa afterwards too......... It took some time after the baby was born for him to get involved because he was so afraid of something so fragil but eventually started helping more, when our 2 older boys got older he felt like he could connect more with them and started being way more involved.
I hope this kinda help:) Just dont lose hope just yet, most men change when they hold their little ones for the first time or even watch them take their first breath, its life changing for a man to see his child be born.
If you ever need to talk, I am always here,
Hugs
*Tabitha*
Avatar universal
That sounds really unpleasant.  My boyfriend's apparent lack of interest was a factor in my decision to abort my previous pregnancy.  (This was not well founded as it turned out, he took the abortion harder than I did...).  I don't think I could get through this one without my other boyfriends' support...
Give him time, and be aware that he may just have no idea how to express whatever it is he thinks or feels about this pregnancy.  (I firmly believe that not being "allowed" to express positive, non-sexual feelings is one of the biggest reasons why most child molesters are male, but that's not really the point).  He says it will be more "real" later,...if it gets to be "later" and he hasn't changed, then consider kicking him to the curb.  
425962 tn?1285086458
well I would certainly NOT advise you leave your husband. That is not good advice. Especially when we don't know either of you. I know plenty of men that were hardly involved with children from their first relationships, and then went on to have blossoming relationships with their children with their current wife and so on. Take him to church. Get him involved in "family things"... Pray that he will come around. Be an example for him to follow... I will keep you in my prayers as well. Good Luck!
667409 tn?1309152183
Well, in *your opinion it's not good advice. It's great advice for some people, however. I just happen to think that life is too short to spend it unhappy. The guy doesn't have a good track record...he has two previous children he is completely uninvoled with. He is completely uninterested in *this pregnancy, according to the OP. I'm not sure how going to church is going to miraculously change a grown man who has a distant and unattached personality. And he can blame it on his ex if he wants...but that's just wrong. My ex and I don't particularly like each other - if we did, we'd still be together. But that has absolutely no effect on how much he loves our son. As for the OP being an example...she *has been an example, as has her ex husband. She is loving and close with her two children, just as her ex is...the new husband obviously sees these relationships all the time. You would think he could see the difference between his relationship with his kids and the other father's relationship with the OP's kids.

Jeannie: I would still encourage you to go to a counselor. Sometimes just having an uninvolved, unbiased person to run things by makes a world of difference. But, again, understand that you can't change another person. You can't *make him be different...the only person you can change is YOU, and your reaction about his behavior. Good luck, honey!

Tricia
519661 tn?1264516208
Good morning, ladies!!  :)

i wanted to thank all of you for your advice, support and understanding!!  it is much appreciated...more than you could ever know!!

to answer some questions...dh was raised very, very conservative and in a strict christian home...i myself was raised in a very liberal and open home.  we really do come from 2 complete and different worlds!!  but as they say, opposites do attract!!

his ex is a real piece of work.  when we first got together i kept an open mind of what he was telling me about her, realizing he was very hurt after a 14 yr. failed marriage.  i kept what he said in mind, but chose to make my own decision after meeting her.  (basically there are 2 sides to every story and i was just hearing his side of it)  i did meet her a few months into the beginning of our relationship.  i did not care for her, and could not see what my hubby (then bf) ever saw in her!!  she was very crude, loud, obnoxious and could put the worst of a sailors mouth to shame!!  i had to reproach her on her language in front of the children and after her visit, my then 2 yr. old became fluent in the "F" bomb.  i could really go on and on and on, but that is getting away from the subject.  

(sorry not trying to turn this into a novel, lol)

i have been doing a lot of thinking about dh's upbringing, his marriage and his life in general, etc.  there was never a lot of love in his home as a child or in his married life.  he was raised very old fashioned...the man provides and the woman is his support, etc.  often times i have to remind him that i am NOT his ex and do not believe in the head games or manipulations that she practices.  (his ex self-admits and is very proud of the fact that she turns their children against him)  i just wish he could see the difference between her and i.  i would NEVER use my children as pawns or turn them against him, etc.  after 3 yrs. of being together, you would think he could see that...maybe his fears overrule the reality!?!?!

i don't know...just wanted to share a bit of the background, etc.  and just getting some stuff out!!

thanks again ladies and thank-you all for sharing with me!!  oh and tabitha~tell your dh thanks for sharing his opinion and experiences also!!  

my love and best wishes to all of you as you go about your day/week!!  xxxxxxxx
425962 tn?1285086458
I'm answering drmwvrjean's question, NOT arguing moral values with you, sorry. . .
667409 tn?1309152183
I wasn't arguing moral values either...I was pointing out that the first thing you said was that my advice was "not good advice." I was simply saying that, for some, yes it is good advice. I'm not judging *your advice at all. I wouldn't say it was bad. Just different than what I would do. Like I said...I happen to think life is too short to spend it unhappy and trying to change someone. Women spend too much of their lives trying to change and "fix" people, and it's a pretty sad way to spend your life.

Tricia
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