Pregnancy: May 2008 Babies Community
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Avatar universal

Anybody else dealing with an unsupportive husband?

My husband has never really been a super romantic, or the most attentive man in the world, but I guess I at least expected that when I was pregnant I would get a little special treatment.  I can't even get a stupid foot rub!  And that is the least of my concerns.  He is just alway short with me, rude, irritable, and sometimes just plain mean!  (Never physically, just verbally)  You would think he is the one having a baby.  I try so hard to be a good wife and mother to our 2 year old, and with my due date fast approaching (May 8) I am just getting more and more stressed out- for many reasons.  I am worried that I will not be able to handle 2 children by myself- which I feel I will be doing since he shows no indication of wanting to help.  I am worried about postpartum depression- which I had with my first baby, but didn't realize until about a year later.  I just want some help, and I want him to be nice to me and understand that I am tired, and stressed and nervous.  I try talking, but it does no good.  I always get the same responses:  "We'll figure it out"  " I don't know"  or " I don't want to talk right now"  And when I ask him a question i get one word- very vague responses, so I am forced to ask more questions which he interprets as nagging and yells or tells me to shut up or just gets pissed off.  I am so tired of this.  Sorry to vent for so long, but if anyone else is having similar issues or cn offer any help I would be grateful to hear from you.  
19 Responses
121828 tn?1333468091
Well I think that is terrible that you feel that way :(  Or, that he acts that way that is. Is he stressed?? I have an 18mo dd and I am having this one May14th. Believe me there's stress all over the place. My husband is pretty attentive and we communicate well. I hope things get better :) Also, if you have had PPD, make sure you address that as soon as you give birth. There is NOTHING wrong with it and hell, if you need meds to make you better plan on getting them early to avoid any stress. good luck.
148691 tn?1260198503
aweeee I am so sorry you feel this way!!!! I posted (not too long ago) in the pregnancy 35+ about this same issue with my dh.... I received a bunch of support from my girls here and i remember one telling me about seeking professional help. It is working! we are going to counseling and he is trying REALLY hard to be nice to me and even last night (he NEVER does this) he leaned down to talk and kiss my belly!!!!! I was like: WWWHHHATT?!?!?!?!?!

It is nice to see him trying after so much time of fighting, him being so rude, me being such a nagger.... we are finally getting along much better... yeah, we still have little fights here and there, but usually making up (and no, no sex! lol) is way better! =)

By the way, my due date is 2 days before yours!!! yippieeeee!!!! we are getting there!!! =) do you know what you're having?!?
304653 tn?1217004902
yes... and Im going to leave it at that... dont want to write a book... smile..
436507 tn?1209944174
Oh well...stop cooking his dinner, stop doing his laundry, just take care of your little one(s) and if he "complains" just say, I understand and I'm sorry hunny, with the kid(s) and all I can't do it all anymore and I'm tired. And use his words when you reply: I feel the same way! I turn around there is a mess to pick up and nobody picked it up, it's 5 pm I'm hungry and no dinner is made, makes me upset to after doing so much around the house all day and still there is more to do.

Just sympathize with him...or what I like to call it...play stupid. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a good help...not great but good and sometimes I need to play the stupid trick on him...like sweety? Are you still going to use that plate and that glass? (Answer "no") oh can you come here? You forgot to put it in the dishwasher...silly you! :)
Avatar universal
I feel for you.I am divorced and remarried last July. My previous husband was a total jerk. When my breast leaked in the bed he got so mad at me and when I snuggled up against him in bed and the baby would kick he would get ticked off because the baby kicking would keep him awake.- What a ****! They don't understand how we feel emotionally and physically. With my second husband, he worked with a woman that had her baby about a month ago. She gained around 70 pounds and was miserable. Not only has my husband always been a gentleman but working with someone who was that miserable gave him more of an insight. The only problem is that he works third shift. He works 7 days straight and then is off 7 days.He can get really cranky those days he works and even sometimes equates his sleep deprivation to mine. In those cases I do what a previous lady said: stop helping him. Your first priority is your children. Take care of yourself, child and unborn baby. He is an adult and can care for himself. Arguing will cause more stress, so try to avoid it. Professional help would probably be the best option though. I tried to get my ex to go but he was done with our marriage. Good luck!
Avatar universal
my husband doesn't help around the house, nd he doesn't help me with our 15 months old twin girls. all he does go to work, come home watch TV go on the internet, eat and go to sleep. no sex, no romance, no kiss, no hugs, doesn't play or read to the babies. I am so tired.What should I do?
Avatar universal

I am going through the same. Although my husband helps if I ask him to he never really offers any and sometimes you can tell he is not happy of being asked. same here no romance or affection but He still wants sex. He likes to spend more time playing games than with with us. We fight a lot and I cry a lot. I am going to approach him and convince him to go to Marriage Counseling. If he refuses than I am considering leaving. It's so hard to make that decision. So much involved. So much pain. If you both still feel love for each other than try to get some counseling because I believe things can get better for almost anyone as long as there is still love.

good luck
Avatar universal

I've been suffering through this pregnancy with depression and am finally on some meds, but they're not helping much yet. My partner has never had or been around anybody with depression, and gets angry with me for being sad because it makes him feel bad, which feels really unfair. Plus sometimes, even when I'm trying so hard, he'll yell and swear at me,call me names, and be rough with me, and I'm afraid that all the stress will be bad for the baby (I'm 24 weeks). I think maybe I should leave and go to my parents, but I don't want them to know how unhappy I am because they'd worry. But am I dameging my baby by not?
148691 tn?1260198503
Hello everyone, I am so sorry to hear about husbands acting this way. Men should specially give extra love and attention (and affection) to their wives when they are expecting. This is not the case in many marriages... but counseling, most of the times, help.

I am married to a good man, he helps when he's asked to help, he cares for me, he works a lot. He doesn't spend all the time I wish he could (due to being always tired) with our daughter and myself. I am to the point that I want not much to do with him intimately speaking and I do believe this has an even worse effect on him.

We try to talk, we try to negotiate and I think we are finally getting somewhere after all this time.
Please try to talk, talk TALK! with your partner, once, twice or what ever number of times you think you need. Eventually you'll realize if this is really going to work out, or you are going to leave the relationship.

Hope everyone stay strong and good luck to you all!
Avatar universal
Hi you are not alone. I too am pregnant and have a spouse that provides very little support. He does not understand I am tired and nags me about doing some type of activity before I start my 3 pm to 11pm shift. My work is very physical, and if I do too much activity I have difficulty completing my shift.
He also becomes irritated, yells,( even while I am suffering from morning sickness) punches walls, and calls me names. He feels I get under his skin, but I try to explain to him that no one gets under your skin, it is you who is not able to control yourself.  
He thinks I am demanding, and I asked him in what way. The only thing he could come up with was during sex. He has a problem with the fact that I would like to organism before he does. LOL
Reality. He eats supper each night with his son and ex girlfriend, and not with me. He just went on a skiing trip with them. He spent christmas with them, opened presents with them and took them out for a very expensive supper. Me? no present, no supper. and I had to go to work for 3pm. He calls them family #1 and me family #2.  I try to reason with him that the ex girlfriend is not his family but me and his son and unborn child is. He wants all of us to move to a different town...and even wishes we could all live together. And let me leave out we don't sleep in the same bed and he sits up and drinks until 1 in the morning, starting from when he returns from his ex girlfriends house, which I am guessing is about 930 or 10 pm. I want him to get counseling, he thinks i need it, i guess so when we do have sex i will just lay there and take it...but he doesn't see himself as not properly contributing to our relationship.
so if you think you have it bad there really is always someone who has it worse...
Avatar universal
I am almost 20 weeks with my first child and have no support. I really thought this time would be a joyous one, but its the saddest time ever.My fiance won't read 1 pregnancy book I bought him months ago.He spends no quality time with me and makes me and our first child feel like a burden.Wall he does is go to work, come home and watch tv and play video games or play with his remote control truck.we are both almost 30.All of his friends are single and immature, it makes me furious. There is verbal abuse also.I have mentioned councling @ first he agreed, then when it wasn't happening, said it was too expensive. I feel so alone, always crying. He just doesn't seam to care, like he's rebelling.Any advice? please help
Avatar universal
over and over again we look for in men what only Jesus can give us. the next time you go to a wedding look at the bride coming down the aisle. you can see in her face how the man she is coming to meet has already become her savior.
Avatar universal
I am unsupportive.  Somehow I feel I was tricked into IVF.   It started with...(my wife) "I just want to check my self out to see if I have problems".  They found polyps in her uterus. She had them removed.  We tried for three month and she did not get pregnant.    I did not want to get checked out.  Somehow with her crying she got me to find out the thing I did not want to hear....  LOW SPERM COUNT.    Suddenly, my manhood shrunk and the sex drive went away.  Now she has me taking these pills to boost the count.  Yesterday a big box with all sorts of medications and syringes arrived at my house.  In the box there were also pills for me.  Someone out there I've never meet decided to give me some type of antibiotic for this IVF process.  

She doesn't realize this is not bringing me closer to her.  I was perfectly fine accepting the fact if it wasn't meant to be then leave it alone.  Yes,  I am getting moody and the tension at home is bad.

I don't like IVF.   I think its dehumanizing.  Dignity goes out the door.  So many people in control of your body other than yourself.  My wive's vagina should have a Public Parking sign by the time this is over.   So many people going where I've never been.   I have to perform on command and handover my sperm to someone I don't know. Let them know how many days of  "Abstinence" before the "Specimen" was drawn.   Also let them know if I jerked off or had sex to get the "Specimen".

Sex is no longer fun.   She is not the sexy desireable woman I use to want to see naked.  I am afraid if we continue it may cause irreparable damages to our marriage.

Avatar universal
Well same here I have a 21 month boy and due on dec. 24 just this coming Monday my whole pregnancy went so depressing even though his mother is here never got any help not from him or anybody. I had a csec b4 and this will be a csec to carrying a 21 month boy all over the house to bed, bathroom, poop, feed, play name it I'm the only1. Not concern about me being pregnant makes me feel what should I do. He calls me by names that a pregnant woman can't tolarate but I'm still hanging here. Tired! He never touches me ill force him to touch my belly and feel ur child moving in there with no emotion he'll say ok so what's the big deal. Maybe sooner or later he would be alone in this house that I can't call a home anymore. He just need something to start yelling at me. Pls tell me what to do
Avatar universal
My fiance acts like a lot of these examples. He just recently found a decent job which helps but still wants me to work when I've been put on a mild temporary bed rest. I wanted to clean the living room yesterday and he threw a fit when I asked him to help and actually finish it instead of just do half. Its not finished. I have a 2 year old from my previous marriage and some days he is #1 dad and other days he seems completely uninterested in her. I am 18 weeks pregnant and he doesn't seem to care about this baby either. He said if we split he wants full custody but isn't interested in the birth plan, doctor, or baby registry. He keeps changing his mind about wanting to get married and its really messing with my head. He's my best friend but sometimes he feels like a stranger. Its like he'd rather spend time doing anything except family life or us time.
its so lonely.
Avatar universal
I am married for the last 14 months and my wife is 22 weeks pregnant. We always fought but it was not that bad. But since she is pregnant, it has been really bad. We are almost on the verge of collapsing. She is rude and insensitive to me. I feel that she only cares of the baby when it is convenient to her and not when she has to do something additional. For example, she does not even like walking I sometimes tell her that she will get an life time Oscar for talking the least number of steps in a life!!! When I ask her to be a little active ...just a little, she flares up and starts shouting. This is only one such example. I ask her to be respectful of my parents but she is not. She hates meeting anyone and doing anything. Even heating the food is a big task for her. I need help in resolving this. I really want this to work out.  
Avatar universal
I am glad this forum was here. It really helps me to feel better knowing Im not alone in the battle for support and affection right now. I don't know what to do but my issue go back far before pregnancy. He was the one who thought a second baby would be a good idea. My son is almost eight and I know how I feel and what I received from him with the last child so I have been suffering from depression and stressed constantly during this pregnancy. Im at 35 weeks now so Im just praying for delivery day to come so I don't have to feel like Im forcing my daughter to be unhappy in my womb from all the shouting and heartache I experience.
Avatar universal
Hey Kellym, this poor lady is asking for help. Your reply should not have contained the statement that your partner is so attentive and so this and so that ..when this woman does NOT need to be reminded that yes there are attentive and considerate husbands out there and then followed it up with a smiley... REALLY???
Avatar universal
Your and my case is almost same.. I even don't  see solution  to this.. I hate my husband
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