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Help! Please!
Me and my husband are fairly new to marriage, 28 February we will also be expecting our first child. My husband had been mistreating me mostly since i've been pregnant. Yelling at me, calling me ******* and ****** constantly, everything. I took it upon myself to tell his mom what he'd been doing and that i did in fact want to divorce her son. She told me "WELL MAYBE HE'S STRESSED FROM HAVING A BABY ON THE WAY AND STUFF, BUT FOLLOW YOUR HEART, IF IT ISN'T ONE THING IT'S ANOTHER." His mother is the same person who calls and asks him for money. Even after our conversation, she called and asked for money yet again. My feelings about her have changed. I dislike her to be honest. Would you respect his mother if she was your mother in law and did this to you? She's had yet to buy our daughter, her granddaughter anything, but she calls and asks him for his money. My mother us the one who has done for us. Around thanksgiving we were short money. He didnt want to ask his greedy begging mom for any money, instead i asked mine and she gave us money. I want to divorce him after i have my daughter. Because not only has he been abusing me mentally and emotionally, his mother is also a problem. I want opinions. Advice. Please.
I'm not saying it isn'tbad either what you are going tthroughiI'm just sayingit could ggetwworse or be worse. The thing to think of is your child and just letting you know thatmost men do wait until you are vulnerable to show their colors. If he holds your face saying harsh things than odds are he will strike you soon I was not trying to judge I was just letting you know he will take it to the next level the baby in your belly isn't going to stop him
I said I expected disagreements and hardships but not RIGHT NOW. I'm young but I'm very mature. Had i not mentioned my age, You wouldn't have known. Ive been with him 3 years. Relationships aren't easy either, so i didn't expect my marriage to be. But there will always be a line between love and respect. It doesn't matter what age You are, If a man is mistreating you whether its physical or mental, You leaving should be understood. Again regardless of age.
And haydens_mama every one takes things that happen in their life differently. You cannot say I have it easier than i think.Lol just as I cannot judge you by your experiences and i cannot say, OH YOUR HUSBAND DIDNT HIT YOU THAT HARD, OR HE DIDNT HOLD YOU DOWN WITH THAT MUCH FORCE you cannot say something isnt bad for me because you dont know, also, I stated earlier in comment that I know marriage isnt easy.
Haydens_mama what i said was something mental can have a worse effect on you sometimes depending on how long you deal with it. So no i didn't say mental abuse is worse than physical abuse.
I would just like to say it is your decision I have been in a similar situation mental abuse is not fun agreed but I left. Found someone who was like a knight in shinning armore he took my oldest son in as his own he is a great father but....... Everyone has flaws wasn't until I was pregnant with our second son that true colors emerged his entire family asks for money every single day, mental abuse is nothing once you've been pushed or held down or had a man hit you trust me. So don't say mental abuse is worse than physically being abused because you clearly have It better than you think sweetie. However you are young very young so it would be understandable for you to leave. Children don't deserve to see Amy sort of argueing but I just thought you should be made aware there is no such thing as a fairytale marriage. Good luck
I haven't read all the other responses, but the majority that I have read say to leave and I agree. I wouldn't even wait until your baby arrives. The fact is that he is verbally abusive, what will it take for him to be physically abusive? He could hurt you so much that you end up miscarry in your child, would you stay or go then? By the sounds of things you have the full support of your Mum who will likely see you through the rest of your pregnancy. A child needs loving parents and if that means them being happy when they are separated then so be it. Don't be another statistic, another women in an abusive relationship, get out whilst you can. BE SAFE
Leave! You shouldnt be treated bad weather your prego or not..and his mom is just a greety person she shouldnt be asking him for money so offten he has a family to support its his mom and all but she has to understand that he has a family
Girl!!! Get out now. Your baby doesn't deserve that and its not going to get any better. It is going to get worse. Please leave asap!! Damn his mama....she needs to be a mom and stop her b.s. too..he must be on her titty still... Just leave before its physical. Your baby knws when you are unhappy. I sure hope you make the choice to do the right thing for you and the baby.
Girl, if he is in your face and you are afraid he is going to hit you- it's time to go! You don't necessarily have to commit to getting a divorce yet if you're not ready. Just take a break. Go stay with some family or friends for a week just to get some space to think. My relationship sounds very similar to yours. No physical abuse. But mental and emotional, the worst kind. The kind you can't prove in court and the kind that when you tell other people you get "are you sure you're not over reacting?".
I think he is mistaken that he can "take the baby from you" if you leave. that sounds like a classic abuse tactic. My ex would threaten to take the dog and even hide the dog at friends to scare me into staying. Consider documenting the arguments and threats. That is what my counselor told me to do: save threatening or belittling texts, call the police if he touches you, record him screaming at you on your phone, etc. This will also
Help you get out of your portion of the apartment lease.
No matter what you decide to do, you will get through this. You are strong and deserve to live a life of happiness watching your baby grow up into a beautiful young woman. If you can watch her grow up with your husband by your side and all 3 of you happy then that's wonderful! You'll look Back at this as a rough patch when you were both not at your best. But if not, you are not a Failure and you are not a bad person. Chalk it up to being young and naive when it came to relationships
And move forward using it as learning experience. No relationship is worth you living in fear of being physically abused or you feeling worthless because of mental/emotional abuse. Best of luck! And I hope you have an easy labor & delivery! Almost there!!!
I think he is mistaken that he can "take the baby from you" if you leave. that sounds like a classic abuse tactic. My ex would threaten to take the dog and even hide the dog at friends to scare me into staying. Consider documenting the arguments and threats. That is what my counselor told me to do: save threatening or belittling texts, call the police if he touches you, record him screaming at you on your phone, etc. This will also
Help you get out of your portion of the apartment lease.
No matter what you decide to do, you will get through this. You are strong and deserve to live a life of happiness watching your baby grow up into a beautiful young woman. If you can watch her grow up with your husband by your side and all 3 of you happy then that's wonderful! You'll look Back at this as a rough patch when you were both not at your best. But if not, you are not a Failure and you are not a bad person. Chalk it up to being young and naive when it came to relationships
And move forward using it as learning experience. No relationship is worth you living in fear of being physically abused or you feeling worthless because of mental/emotional abuse. Best of luck! And I hope you have an easy labor & delivery! Almost there!!!
When my husband & I first got together it was torture trying to deal with his family. I hated them they hated me, I could tell you some stories. And to top it off we were all... let's just say thugs. But I was committed to not end up a statistic. I said I am going to save my family. It was hard and lonely at first. But like I said love is an action and commitment. If you two loved each other once you can rebuild off that with grace and forgiveness and move forward to something more beautiful and solid. But it's work and you have to be willing
keyycharmelle,
People will say, "well his mom took care of him growing up" and it is okay for an adult child to help their mother out financially to a limit. But come on. Our money isnt ours if you're constantly giving it away. Her job isnt her only source of income, she also gets child support. So why is he sending money? And yes she will call him saying she need money for different things. She even gives him a day she will pay him back, then payday comes and she doesnt call for days. But when she wants she is constantly calling his phone. Sob stories and stuff to make him and i feel guilty. Before we married she was like she didnt want to step on my toes, so shes asking me first since i was his fiance so we could speak together and discuss the money she was asking for. SHE DID THAT ONCE. shes never done it again. she just asks him for whatever. And never mentions it to me. I Told him she calls you for 2 days straight before she asks you for something on the 3rd day, so it can never be said that she only calls for money. But thats what it is. Thats why she call.
People will say, "well his mom took care of him growing up" and it is okay for an adult child to help their mother out financially to a limit. But come on. Our money isnt ours if you're constantly giving it away. Her job isnt her only source of income, she also gets child support. So why is he sending money? And yes she will call him saying she need money for different things. She even gives him a day she will pay him back, then payday comes and she doesnt call for days. But when she wants she is constantly calling his phone. Sob stories and stuff to make him and i feel guilty. Before we married she was like she didnt want to step on my toes, so shes asking me first since i was his fiance so we could speak together and discuss the money she was asking for. SHE DID THAT ONCE. shes never done it again. she just asks him for whatever. And never mentions it to me. I Told him she calls you for 2 days straight before she asks you for something on the 3rd day, so it can never be said that she only calls for money. But thats what it is. Thats why she call.
I understand how you feel completely! My mother in law not only has my husband paying her light bill but also she calls every week asking for money .. He can't see where I'm coming from when I tell him he needs to set boundaries because he has a family now. I can't tell you to divorce your husband or not but if you feel as though it cannot be worked out and is unacceptable then you know what you have to do for you.
I don't know how it would work for me. The car is in his name. Our apartment is in our name. But we don't have any property together. I would just want our daughter to be taken care of. I fear sometimes by his actions of getting in my face yellinh and putting his hands in my face He would hit me. Instead he hurts me with words because he doesn't want to harm his child. I feel she saves me! My mom has told me She doesn't want me to wait to see if it gets better. To Just leave. She thinks he will start hitting me once i have the baby. He has taunted me, and told me stupid bi**h, why are you crying? You're sad or upset? Sad or upset? Which one? Sad or upset? I want to be strong and try, but i feel dumb if i continue to be here
That is completely true. You know, my mother said she wouldn't judge me if i left, neither would she judge me if I stayed. She told me whatever I decided on it was what i would have to live with and only me. Nobody knows how I feel. It's hard and frightening because I am scared i can't do it alone. But the counselor told me the only thing i should worry about is me and my child's safety, and our future. He told me that being in this situation my baby girl could grow up being sad and not no Why. No he isn't physically hurting us but he is mentally and physical abuse can be covered/the marks can be erased. Something mental can have a worse effect on you sometimes depending on how long You deal with it. I'm 21 years old. I'm young. I would like this marriage to be my last, but i shouldn't have to go through someone belittling me just to keep a marriage. In the end I'll be suffering, from depression and or low self esteem and i want to be able to take care of her. So many times through my pregnancy I've thought of killing myself. I figure he can't hurt me then. But i love her. She deserves life just as much as i deserve happiness. He's told me my family doesn't care about me. Told me i can't take care of her because i don't have money. He said he would take her from me! But he's AD, how can he possibly be a full time parent and a solider full time without help?
Also I'm not an expert on military divorces but my best friend married an Air Force guy and they ended up getting a divorce after a DV incident. He ended up having to pay her alimony and also pay for her to move back to her home state as well give her one of the vehicles and let her have the dog. So, just maybe, it won't be as hard as you think. Especially if you have a child. But again- I'm
Not an expert.
Not an expert.
In my opinion, unhappy relationships make people miserable. Especially over time. You're right, it is very hard for other people to understand. When I was going through it people would say "leave him" after I came to them after an argument. Then when I would start making plans to leave people would say "stay and work it out." I eventually left and I do not regret it. Yes, it's hard. Especially in the beginning. I wasn't working so I had to
Find a job, wait for paychecks to save, stay with friends or family until I could get a place, and finally buy a car in my name since my old one was in both our names. I also racked up a bit of a Credit card bill in the process. But I'm fine now and quite happy and ready for baby to
Come!
If you want a divorce, get one. Staying for the kids can be counter productive. If you're fighting all the time, crying, unhappy and miserable- that's not really good for the kids. Kids still have two parents when you divorce, they're just not under the same roof. And who knows- you may fall in love and remarry someday.
Find a job, wait for paychecks to save, stay with friends or family until I could get a place, and finally buy a car in my name since my old one was in both our names. I also racked up a bit of a Credit card bill in the process. But I'm fine now and quite happy and ready for baby to
Come!
If you want a divorce, get one. Staying for the kids can be counter productive. If you're fighting all the time, crying, unhappy and miserable- that's not really good for the kids. Kids still have two parents when you divorce, they're just not under the same roof. And who knows- you may fall in love and remarry someday.
It is like because he's in the Army she assumes he has the money. But for her to defend her son's actions and then tell me maybe he's stressed and still ask him for money, That's wrong. I would think me asking for money would bring on added stress. It's like she doesn't care what he does to me or what happens with us as long as he's giving her what she wants.
We have been married since August 28, 2015. As a couple we have been together since 2012. I am a reservist going on 4 years serving, he's AD going on 3 years. I was expecting some disagreements and hardship, but not RIGHT NOW, this soon. He nor i have been deployed yet. Do you think it is selfish of me to go to church and counseling without him? I dont want to force him. I am thinking maybe if i do it alone, he will somehow be interested in coming too one day. Maybe my skin isn't thick enough; but I was raised a man shouldn't call a woman out of her name or put his hands on her, and vise versa. It is a sign of respect not to do those things. Lately, without thinking, when he upsets me, I will say something offensive like dumb or stupid. I honestly don't want to be the person he's being and been to me. As for his mother, I feel that can be fixed if he would set boundaries or even just stop sending her money. She works. But she asks for money for his younger brother and her. My thing is, she hasnt done anything for us yet! And she doesnt call him just because, she doesnt have a real relationship with him. Hes an E4. Newly married, and expectin, i feel she is inconsiderate and self consumed . I feel his financial responsibility is us now. Before he could do and send, but he was in the barracks then. Now he has responsibilities and she should understand that And be respectful of him And I and stop asking for things. She's able to provide for herself. Him sending money enables her to be dependent on him And never learn how to properly manage her money.
Oh and ya mother in laws will always be bone of contention. After 15 years she is still the thorn in my side. So I can't say that will get better.
As a former military man's wife, I do understand. We were in for 11 years, 2 deployments and ptsd to show for it. We didn't always have a good marriage, there were many offenses. it didn't get better until we both accepted Jesus Christ. And still it took years. We found our counseling through Him. My husband resisted at first but he eventually came around. It isn't an easy road. If it was easy every one would do it. But like the other poster said, it is better for a child to grow up with both parents. Everything seems worse in the moment but it takes courage to move past it.
I thought I could do this. I am willing to deal with him for the sake of our child. I love her more than anything. I feel that would be selfish of me to make this kind of decision for her. I grew up with just my mother. But i am also worth something. It is easy for anybody to say, WORK IT OUT, etc, etc, but at the same time, nobody knows deep down how i truly feel inside. Nobody knows how his actions have effected me mentally. And again im pregnant. This has been the whole time since I've been pregnant. Its just gotten worse. It first started with him saying to get an abortion, he said, I havent told that many people anyway. You would really deal with a man that does and say things like that to you?
His mother also used my hormones as an excuse; pregnant women are emotional beings, but regardless of my state, he should not call me out of my name or mistreat me. Isn't emotional abuse, abuse big enough to leave someone? I understand we will go through things in our marriage, but if he doesnt respect me now, when will he ever? His attitude isnt just with me, his NCO's have even recommended counseling, and he is outraged by that. It'll be the same reaction with me. I took it upon myself to contact MilitaryOneSource to speak to a counselor and i told him, Because even if he doesn't want to participate, I need to talk to someone so I can be better and get through this. All he asked was, was it free. I've written letters like the counselor recommended. I've ignored him. Ive texted. Ive talked. But he makes everything an argument. And he defends his mother.
Well Some mother in law's aren't guud they never like their daughter inlaws but you ndd your husband need to work things out cause every kids want to grow up with both of their parents...
I think you should go to talk to someone together. I don't believe in divorce unless abuse is involved. Everything can be worked through and forgiven if both people are willing to work at it. Love is not an emotion, it is an action. Love is loyalty and commitment. Communicate with him without emotion words and listen more than you talk to better form your argument. Pick your battles. It will be ok. But it is OK to feel the way you feel and he should acknowledge your feeling are real. Don't let your emotions take control. It's really easy to lose control when you're pregnant
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