In law problems

[beckymarieliddle]

I was married last year and am currently 32 weeks pregnant. Short story, my in laws were late to our wedding then went back out to the field to finish planting and missed the meal,  First dance and all of the speeches. I was very bitter about this for months. They never even apologized for us waiting on them for the wedding! Then they found out we were pregnant earlier this year and didn't act excited. They were like "oh okay, congrats..."  my mom was so excited! It was easter time and so i did easter baskets with eggs that spelt out grandparents! It was cute! I didnt think a lot into it as I was really sick. But both of my husbands parents have been off work for months due to surgeries on their shoulders. They never stop over or check to see how we are and rarely call. They do not know our sons name!  They live less than 10 miles away! We have to go visit to see them. And They are not old by any means. Im so used to my mom and brothers calling almost everyday and they help me all the time. His parents have never offered to help, and its known how sick I havr been my whole pregnancy. I want my son to have grandparents who are active in his life. I know how it is when your grandparents arent very involved and it *****! at this point, I dont want them near him... I dont want him to depend on them coming to things and not being there. Thats how they were with my husband and his siblings. Its so frustrating!  i dont know what to do anymore!

[RockRose]

Yowser,  in reading SM's post above,  I just noticed you had said how is it fair to be condoned?  

Condoned?  That they took a vacation instead of attend your baby shower?  

Lordy,  girl!  Are you about to kick them out of your family circle?  I really think you've gone a bit 'round the bend here.

This is your husband's family.  Get along with them.  Even if they choose to take vacations rather than go to a baby shower.

[RockRose]

Becky,  I honestly doubt this bothers your husband as much as it bothers you.  Guys just don't get all caught up in who came to what shower.  

I think you're hurting,  and you're hurting for him,  but I think if you never brought this up again to him and only said positive things about his family,  he'd be whistling a happy tune.  

It's upsetting to men when their wives are all embroiled in family drama and it's about their family.   As his best friend in the world,  give him this gift of stopping making such a huge deal about comparing your perfect family to his flawed one.

It's not that hard to just button your lip.  And all your complaining won't do one single positive thing about this, except to make your husband feel even worse.

[specialmom]

I5 is what it is.  Enjoy what they do bring to your husband and child.  Condoned is a funny word to use in this scenario.  I know you are mad but your husband has been in their lives HIS whole life.  I guarantee he loves them regardless.  When my in laws had let me down or my husband, I learned to not say a word.  My own complaining didn't help.  If he wanted to vent, I let him.  But I didn't do it to him.  Out of respect for HIM because regardless if you think they hurt him, he is still their son and will always remain loyal to them.  So, just lower your expectations and be kind to them.  There are people in the world that we do more for than they do us.  It is just that way in life.  And if it is a valued relationship like parent/child, it is still important enough to keep your temper down and be more generous than you are expecting of others.  good luck

[beckymarieliddle]

But unfortunately though, it effects my husband and my son. In this whole process they may be hurting me, but they are hurting them more. If they cannot be there for them, I obviously do not expect them to be there for myself. my husband drops everything for them! I do the same for my mom but my mom always has been there for me. They even missed our sons baby shower to go on a last minute vacation before they went back to work claiming it was "such a great deal, it couldn't be passed up". Again,  letting my husband down. how is that fair or to be condoned?

[kareng8]

Thanks girls. It's refreshing to read your comments.

[specialmom]

Ya know, I learned a while ago that my idea of how someone should be doesn't mean that is how they are going to be.  I thought my mother in law was . . .  frankly, terrible.  She was not how I pictured a mother in law or grandma at all.  Kind of rude and would say whatever was on her mind no matter if it was harsh or not.  I always joked that we needed to give this woman a trip to charm school for a birthday present.  Anyway, when she passed away, all of her grandkids were sad.  Sincerely sad at the loss of this woman in their life that I had undervalued because she wasn't the kind of woman I thought she should be.  

My point being, people are what they are and do what they can do.  Accept them for what they are.  Invite them and leave the invitation always open.  And hon, it's not always about you.  THEY just had surgeries and were going through their own stuff.  Perhaps THEY needed help as much if not more than you.  

So, try not to be upset at this and allow them to do as much as they can for your husband and your child.  Whatever they give is better than nothing.  

good luck

[GodbeyMommy]

Ask* not and skills

[GodbeyMommy]

Listen when my now husband and I were pregnant with our first child his parents were not happy. They told him I would leave him and he would be stuck with child support and that maybe I could get an abortion since we weren't married and it might not work out. And when he stood up for me and stuff they weren't happy but kept their opinions to themselves most of the time. Then our son was born and my mother in law fell in love. He is now 3 and she gets upset when he doesn't want to spend once a week with her! Now we are expecting our 2nd son and she's so involved so excited can't wait for him to arrive to spoil him. It still hurts to remember the things they said about me especially because my husband and I have been together for 6 years but they love my kids and that's all I can and skills for.

[RockRose]

Look at what you have.  You are healthy,  married to a great guy,  pregnant,  you have a wonderful family,  and you're completely focused on hating your husband's parents.  They are who they are,  and you can't change them no matter how much you focus negative energy on them.

As a gift to your husband,  stop complaining about them all the time and making him feel even worse.

[beckymarieliddle]

Exactly! its terrible!

[kareng8]

Ugh I know exactly what you mean. They might as well live in another state.