Is it wrong to say something...... help need advice

[nickizzy]

So I'm 20 wks and our friend is going through fertility to get pregnant as she says she has always desperately wanted to be a mum, my issue is she smokes a lot of weed, drinks, pops pain pills and smokes, and is rather lazy. She doesn't work and doesn't seem to want to and sleeps all day or pulls bong after bong. Since seeing the fertility specialist has been smoking even more weed instead of trying to cut down in preparation for pregnancy and now is halting on her pills because she wants to get drunk on her bday and her bday party weekend. I'm finding it hard to bite my tongue but I just don't think she should be a mother if she's not going to try be a responsible person and put a baby before her own bad habbits. I keep getting told it would be mean to say something but as a friend shouldn't I be able to express my concerns to her in a tactful way and not have it be that I'm the horrible person. I mean there's always adjusting and sacrifice that takes time when u find out your having a baby but she is actively trying without attempting to stop anything harmful and still get pregnant gahhh help

[specialmom]

Ya know, here is the thing with friends.  You can definitely talk to her but if she is into weed, drinking alcohol and pain pills, she's going to just tune you out.  Those into that never want to think about consequences and will go to great lengths to find evidence to the contrary that they are doing harm to their child.  She lives this lifestyle and it seems just fine to her.  What will happen if she has pain pills and weed in her system or even alcohol is that she will be flagged.  Babies can be born addicted or with it in their system and THOSE babies don't go home with mama a lot of the time.

So, we can all KNOW what is right for her but in reality, she probably won't change or be receptive to discussion about her lifestyle.  And hey, it's nto just when she's pregnant.  Being high on weed, getting drunk and popping pills really isn't too cool once a baby is born either.  Lots of people do smoke cigarettes and hopefully they are mindful about second hand smoke.

Anyway, she sounds troubled. Try talking to her but be prepared that she may get angry in return.  good luck

[badkookie]

The doctor shouldn't even be giving her IVF treatments with this lifestyle. It's too much risk for a pregnancy. Idk :( keep us updated! Gl

[Dandi_2014]

Are you sure this is your friend?
Doesn't seem like the two of you have that much in common..??
I reckon this is a 'friend' you can live without in your life.. it sounds harsh, but how does she fit in in your life?

Just tell her that she keeps an interesting lifestyle and question why she wants a child and what she imagines a child will be for her life?
Babies are not easy.
Far from it.
Neither are they cheap, she would have to choose if she wants to buy drugs or food/baby stuff..
Suggests she cleans up her life before starting another.. because a baby is not going to magically make her life cleaned up -if that is what she desires...??

[domingoleigh]

i would definitely address her in a propreate manner. i mean its her life yes but you being her friend is obviously gonna be there for her so unfortuanate u have to be around that.. i mean if it bothers you maybe you guys shouldn't be friends anymore.. thats irresponsible woman and that would be a baby to go in a cps system because sometimes baby's are born to woman who care about themselves and them selves only...

[bonitagirl747]

I would approach it from a caring manner. Ask her what her doctor recommends for treatment and to get ready. I went through fetility treatment awhile ago and they wanted me taking vitamins, eating healthy and living healthy. Treatments are not cheap, and Im sure she wants them to be sucsessful. Even motrin or ibprofin can cause a misscarriage in the right person. She should be getting ready even before trying. Taking lots of vitamins, walking, avoiding liquor and drugs are her top priority. Just tell her you're concerned that she may end up with tbe same heartache again. If she doesnt change then she isnt ready to be a mother. What does her bf or husband say?

[lela6]

I Don't care how you address your concerns but you should not just for her own good but specially if at some point she will havea another human being depending from her even before birth.

[fran8888]

So she's had 3 miscarriages and still living that lifestyle?! Her own needs obviously outweigh that of her unborn child and if she is that selfish now what is she gonna be like when she has a screaming baby to deal with who is dependent on her 24/7?! I'm sure child protection wouldn't let her keep the poor child anyway, makes me so sad. I don't normally rant but your friend is nasty.

[nickizzy]

Thanks heaps ladies, it's a really tough one to think about. I'll keep you updated on how it goes if I say something and obviously I want it to be tasteful it's just stressing me out as she has previously had 3 miscarriages so I'd presume you would do everything and anything to ensure you had a healthy baby and pregnancy if it's something you want so badly and also in general just to be a parent.

[lilpianogirl85]

I honestly wouldn't say anything to her. Everything you say is going to be overshadowed by the fact that you're pregnant and she isn't. I'm not saying that she is right but she will never hear you. It would be the equivalent of someone coming up to you at the grocery store and telling you that you shouldn't be buying what you are buying because you are going to hurt your baby and that you obviously shouldn't be a parent. I understand you are her friend but you are just going to cause drama doing this and more stress for yourself. The best thing I would say is to distance yourself from her and when she wants to know why you say that right know you are at a changing point in your life and you love her but you don't want to expose yourself to that. Your not her parent, she will make the decisions she wants to make and it's not your place to tell her how she should be living her life whether you agree or not. I'm not trying to sound harsh just giving you my opinion because there is no circumstances that she will take whatever you say to her in a positive way.

[hannah2102]

I don't care how you do it JUST DO IT!!!

[yuna86]

I think people sometimes are too nice. And im always straight forward with my friends as they are with me. We dont always agree or even like what we hear, but thats what makes us friends. im not saying openly verbally attack her, but if your close enough with her to have concerns, find a tactful way to address it. Id be especially annoyed if she was getting fertility treatment for free as the drinking/party life style is cutting down the chance of the fertility treatment working and there are thousands of woman desperate for a child and dont always get the chance at having the treatment and cannot afford it.  

[msmommylaw]

As a friend, you have every right to say something. Be prepared though, because she could react very defensive. But that isn't safe for her to be doing on her own, let alone doing to an innocent baby. If you guys are real friends, she will appreciate honesty. I would absolutely say something and soon!

[LyakGarcia]

Tell her! She should stop before getting pregnant,  or talk to her doctor at the fertility clinic...a simple blood test can show if she has used any substances, any reputable doctor wil not give her treatment without her being clean, and if she doest want to be your friend for telling her well i hope God doesn't give her a child until she grows up

[leannemariepalmer]

Your friend doesnt deserve to have fertility treatment and I would chose your friends more wisley if I was you there is no way I would hang around with someone like that. I find it awful that people like that reproduce.

[leannemariepalmer]

Your friend doesnt deserve to have fertility treatment and I would chose your friends more wisley if I was you there is no way I would hang around with someone like that. I find it awful that people like that reproduce.

[diiddlybop]

I think it would depend on how u brought this to her. Straight up saying she shouldn't be a mom is mean so maybe leave that statement in particular out. As a friend u should be able to be real with her and talk to her about these things but most people react negatively to these kinds of things, so regardless of how u talk to her about it, it may harm ur friendship. I would say if u decide to talk to her about it then do it in a way that absolutely see that ur just concerned for her well-being and can't be misconstrued as u judging or attacking her for the way she lives her life.

[3rdNdone]

As a friend I wouldn't approach the topic directly, because people tend to get offended when they think others are judging. If she is a good friend kinda talk about your pregnancy and what you have given up ask her is she ready to give up her habits when she gets pregnant in a conversing manner. Keep it  light.