Need advice

[eyeamsam]

I have a nephew, who we treat pretty much like a son.  He has lived with us off and on.  We are emotionally invested in him.   He is 17 and about to graduate high school.   He meet some girl a short time ago and guess what- in the first week they had sex and she now says she is pregnant!   He says they will raise the baby and has come to us for support.  

My support was 1) slow down- Are you sure she is pregnant?  Have you seen the paperwork?   While it only takes one time, the odds that it all worked perfectly for that one time are lower than a couple who has sex more than once.  2) Are you sure it is yours?   She has had a few "boyfriends" in the months leading up to him.  

I told him that he can give her support.  But at the same time he should not just agree it is his baby until she gives him proof.  Given the short time of their "relationship"  it seems fair that there things be looked into.   I warned him not to send her(she went out of town almost immediately after they had sex and has not been back) money until he has the answers.  If she won't give him answers, then it suggests to me that this may be a scam.

If the proof shows up, I am having a very hard time accepting what would be almost a grand child into my world.  I was hoping that at some point if he had a baby I would be excited for him, but I am disappointed.  He does not have a job and really does not have much of a prospect for one at this point.   The young lady seems to be in a similar spot.   I fear for the baby being brought into that situation.  I have suggested that they discuss giving the baby up for adoption, but he seems set on proving he is a "man" or a "adult".

How does someone handle the conflict between, the disappointment(and the feeling this is a scam) and the compassion for the baby(if it turns out to be a true pregnancy and his baby)?  I feel like I am a bad person because of  my anger and disappointment.  

[eyeamsam]

Thanks for the help.  He was not very helpful in letting us know if she was really pregnant.   She would not provide any information.   This made us question the situation more.   We informed him that if he wanted our support, we needed to know what is going on as it is hard to accept the situation like this.   We got nothing.  So, we finally found the young ladies mother and sister and sent them a message.   The sister responded and said the girl lied about being pregnant and that she was sorry.    Well, it seem like my nephew does not believe anyone else.   The young lady is made that anyone would try to talk to her sister or mom.   I took that as her trying to isolate people so she could continue to lie.  Yet, my nephew does seem intent on believing she is pregnant.   My fear is she is not but will convince him to have unprotected sex again because she "can't get pregnant twice."   I suspect he will believe her because he does not trust anyone else and he thinks this is his way to prove he is an adult.   Sad, that he may have avoided this, but now wants to jump right back in.   I suspect we need to back off and let him learn the hard way.  OUCH!

[eyeamsam]

Thanks all.  No argument about the chances of a first time-of course what I have started to discover is that if her libido was up my nephew may not have been the only one she sought out to satisfy it, in a short time period.   Which does not give him a pass or mean she is a bad person.   That is just part of the puzzle-if there is more than one male involved in the correct time period he(or they) and she need to figure that out.

[specialmom]

I think any mother of a boy or aunt to a nephew that they love is right to have them slow down and ask these questions.  So many treat pregnancy like it is this fun thing and perhaps it is all they know . . .   I try not to judge.  But it is not what I'd ever want for my own children . .    to have their future shaped for them because of parenthood in the teenage years.  I want more for them.  And a family to be something they work for when the timing is right.  When they've found someone terrific to marry, had some couple time to lay down a foundation so the marriage lasts, are financially secure, emotionally mature, have any and all partying out of their system and THEN consider having a child.  

That's what most parents probably want for their kids if they are college educated adults.  

because we know statistically what happens with these teen pregnancies.  They are just not positive.  

But that is just my long winded take on it.  Your nephew isn't going to see it that way.

I would absolutely encourage adoption.  

If your nephews idea of support is money or a place where he doesn't have to think about the hard part or consequences to having the child, I wouldn't be supportive myself.  His life just got 100 times harder and I'd let him feel every second of it.  That would be my approach.  I couldn't sugar coat what he'd just done to his life.  

good luck

[RockRose]

Well,  I didn't see your post on here or I would have commented,  but I have to say this may turn into an argument because many of the pregnant girls on this site are in the exact same situation,  and there is often discussion about whether 17 year olds are capable of parenting.

So.  

I think you're right to be skeptical - BUT - the first time a couple has sex results in a much higher rate than normal of pregnancy.  The reason is (although male doctors seem to think they can opine on this and they deny it) is because most women's libido goes up when she's ovulating.  When a woman wants it,  they have sex,  and it's likely her heightened ovulating libido  causes the first sexual encounter.

But yes.  Encourage adoption - they really aren't capable of parenting on their own,  and it isn't "adult" or "manly" to deny a child a decent home.  

I think I'd tell him we won't help you at all financially,  but will of course still love you and give you emotional support but if you want to play at being an adult,  you have to actually act like one and take care of yourself.  And get a place to live,  and groceries,  and a job,  and transportation,  etc.

[eyeamsam]

Funny, I guess my post is just so pathetic no one even wanted to tell me it was pathetic.  Every post after mine has at least one response.  Ouch.