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Relationship advice greatly needed
Sorry this is so long, I just really need advice on this... My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We are also expecting our first child in March. He has always treated me great and makes sure I'm taken care of, but that's not the problem. We had agreed when we first started dating to set basic relationship boundaries for each other, like no lying, no cheating, no hiding things from each other, ect. One of my boundaries was that I didn't want him watching porn. I'm VERY against it, and he said that he understood and promised to not watch it anymore. I found out a couple of days after getting married that he had been lying to me about porn the whole time we were dating and were engaged. Literally he would look me in the eyes and lied to me when I asked him if he was still upholding our boundaries. Ever since then things have gone downhill very rapidly, I feel like I can no longer trust him. I don't know when or if he's telling the truth anymore. After I caught him right after we got married, he was very apologetic and said he was sorry he lied and that he'd never do it again. I believed him and forgave him. Yesterday I found out that he was still looking at porn, and lying to me about it. I'm at my wits end with him and his hiding/lies to the point that I've been thinking of a separation and possible divorce. Have any of you ladies been in this situation? How did you handle it?
Best Answer
I was against porn when I married my husband but I can guarantee you I'm all for it now LOL. We have had our ups and downs because at one stage I caught him on a dating site and he was so gutted I left him and took his baby because I was devastated. We have now trying hard to make it work and I said "if your watching porn to get off then I would rather you be doing that then chatting to other women and sending photos" and he is very caring and supportive of me and his son, I can't say I don't have my doubts but if I can enjoy porn with him then I'm sure to have a healthy marriage. Please, every guy watches porn!!!
My bf and I have been together almost 5 years and he watches porn. We watch it together sometimes. I dont see the harm he isnt trying to pursue any of these women. We use it for ideas and just adult fun I guess lol. Honestly he could be doing much worse. .
Divorce..is a stretch. But I believe if y'all tried counseling, that way y'all can talk it out with a professional and maybe he will understand your views and you understand his. I know it's hard to talk just the two of you. My fiance lies to me all the time and ill say I'm done but I never am... I believe counseling will help greatly. And I am sorry but if you are religionous at all.... Porn is a sin and truthfully not needed. He shouldn't be looking in the first place. I hope you are able to work it out.
My guy doesn't watch porn...I hear that all the time and its not true
I think porn I'd gross... Why do you ppl like to watch other ppl having sex??
I think that if you seperate and divorce a good husband and father over porn you'll very likely regret it when you find out that most people's issues are MUCH bigger than watching porn once in a while. You sound sheltered and ungrateful. Honestly... you won't feel silly explaining that you left because you caught him watching porn? When your child asks why you and their father are no longer together, youll feel justified in explaining that? Jeez. Count your blessings.
Unfortunately it is very hard to regain trust especially when the person you should trust the most repeatedly lies to you. I completely understand how you feel and at this point you should present counciling to your husband. This therapy will help the both of you, that is if you both want it bad enough. Keep in mind if you chose that route things won't magically seem resolved right away. It could be a long hard road ahead. Every person has their own views on porn. There's a difference if the both of you enjoyed watching it. But your husband in is the wrong in my opinion because he knows how his actions hurt you. He should show you enough respect as his wife to not disregard your feelings for his selfish needs. I wish you luck.
I hate that for you .... my boyfriend and me had the same problem and i feel like he still watches it. I even have given him several pics of me to look at all he wants to and he still has a problem and i dont know how to fix it... i hope our men streighten up
And the reason why I asked for your age is because you don't sound old enough to be married it's for better or for worse and just imagine how ridiculous you would sound in court telling the judge your leaving your spouse for watching porn lol! Really? That's why the divorce rate is so high because people don't take marriage seriously at all nowadays. Good luck to you lol
It seems interesting to me that someone who refers to herself as a "vixxxen" has a problem with porn...but I digress.
Time for counseling - to get to a better position on trust between you, and to determine why this has such an effect on you.
People don't really change. You knew he did it before you got together, it's really not so surprising that he's continued to do so. It's likely he kept it from you to keep you from being upset... I'd actually be interested in knowing how it is that you're finding out that he's doing it. Are you snooping through his phone, his browser history? Maybe the first step in trusting him is to show him you're not going to poke around and check up on him. You might not approve - and if it's really that devastating to you then you should make sure he knows it - but he's a grown man, and you're not his mommy. He deserves some personal privacy just like anyone else. If he's a good man and a good husband and a good provider and father for his child then maybe it's you who needs to change your outlook on the issue. I don't like everything my husband does but if it doesn't effect me I pick my battles. He loves me and supports me. Not every disagreement deserves the threat of divorce. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree.
Time for counseling - to get to a better position on trust between you, and to determine why this has such an effect on you.
People don't really change. You knew he did it before you got together, it's really not so surprising that he's continued to do so. It's likely he kept it from you to keep you from being upset... I'd actually be interested in knowing how it is that you're finding out that he's doing it. Are you snooping through his phone, his browser history? Maybe the first step in trusting him is to show him you're not going to poke around and check up on him. You might not approve - and if it's really that devastating to you then you should make sure he knows it - but he's a grown man, and you're not his mommy. He deserves some personal privacy just like anyone else. If he's a good man and a good husband and a good provider and father for his child then maybe it's you who needs to change your outlook on the issue. I don't like everything my husband does but if it doesn't effect me I pick my battles. He loves me and supports me. Not every disagreement deserves the threat of divorce. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree.
I'm 23, and I don't think age has anything to do with opinions, beliefs or views. With porn or anything else.
I have already many sit down talks about why he lies, why I don't like porn and why I don't want him to watch it. And every time he says the same thing. That he's sorry and he understands my views on it and he won't do it again. I'm not as hurt about the porn as I am about the lying. I just want to trust him again, and not have to wonder for the rest of our marriage if he's lying to me, and what he's lying to me about. Not healthy for me or the baby.
I have already many sit down talks about why he lies, why I don't like porn and why I don't want him to watch it. And every time he says the same thing. That he's sorry and he understands my views on it and he won't do it again. I'm not as hurt about the porn as I am about the lying. I just want to trust him again, and not have to wonder for the rest of our marriage if he's lying to me, and what he's lying to me about. Not healthy for me or the baby.
Really good advice bermudez19 I agree
I completely understand when Ifound my bf watching porn it hurt me and honestly disgusted me people say it's just porn not like his cheating but I just didn't like that my bf to watch it at all sex pleasure and all that comes with it is something intimate that you want between you and your husband and that's normal don't let people make you seem like your crazy people told me that same thing it's just porn your over reacting. But no if it's something that hurts you or bugs you he should be doing his best to make a change. Not only that but it's something you already disgusted with him and the fact that he lied makes everything worse. After I caught my boyfriend lieing about watching porn just ruined my trust for him made me question what else he could lie about. Just talk to him and let him know why your so upset and why you don't like it really hope things work out
@mrs_melody_olivia I don't mean to sound rude but I don't remember asking you anything.
Everyone has different views and opinions about watching porn. Every couple is different as well. Don't bash someone for thinking differently then you. If VampireVixxxen has a problem with porn, then that's her business. I have the same view. My boyfriend agrees with me.
BUT, this is something between husband and wife and really shouldn't even be discussed on here.
I've personally seen relationships be torn apart by porn, and I've seen relationships build by watching it together. It all depends on the couple. So if this causes a divorce, THAT'S THE COUPLES BUSINESS. And no one should guilt trip you into saying "the baby needs both of you" thinking that you should stay married even if you're miserable. The baby can have both of you even if you're not married. And you SHOULD think of your baby. But you have to think of yourself too. It's not selfish to think of yourself.
But this is a problem to be worked out between husband and wife, not a bunch of women who don't know your personal situation and beliefs.
BUT, this is something between husband and wife and really shouldn't even be discussed on here.
I've personally seen relationships be torn apart by porn, and I've seen relationships build by watching it together. It all depends on the couple. So if this causes a divorce, THAT'S THE COUPLES BUSINESS. And no one should guilt trip you into saying "the baby needs both of you" thinking that you should stay married even if you're miserable. The baby can have both of you even if you're not married. And you SHOULD think of your baby. But you have to think of yourself too. It's not selfish to think of yourself.
But this is a problem to be worked out between husband and wife, not a bunch of women who don't know your personal situation and beliefs.
Sorry ladies but men watch porn (often) don't let them feed you lies about not watching them or that every once in awhile crap, they hide it from the women who get angry over It, and it's nothing that we can do to keep them away from it, it's so easily available, and if u have teenagers with phones and access to the internet they're watching it too.
Id rather he watch a bit of porn from time to time than him going out and acting out the real thing. Men have little vices and if this is his and hes great in every other way I'd just try live with it.
My husband and I watch porn together on occassion to get us going, but other than that, we don't watch it. I agree with you, though, on him breaking his promise and then lying about it. If he promised you that he would not watch it, he shouldn't've watched it, and he definately shouldn't've hidden it and lied to you about it. I think maybe you two should go to counseling about it, and if you can't afford counseling, get a mutual friend with unbiased opinions to sit down with you two and talk it out. Then if things don't look up, go for separation, divorce, etc... Best wishes honey. <3
I honestly would rather my husband watching porn once in a while than actually cheating on me with someone else i dont think its something that bad like to take yall to a divorce. Hope you guys figure things out :)
I used to be the same with my guy. I'd be so upset when he'd lie straight to my face about it. I learned that there are worse things he could be doing with his time. If he's not addicted and y'all are still sexually active what's the harm?
Your husband treats you well and takes care of you and you want to get a divorce because he watches porn? Be thankful and greatful that he is there by your side. A lot of women dont have that. Dont divorce him because of something like that. At least he isn't cheating or abusing you. This is nothing to separate over. Your baby needs both of you. Think about your baby and not yourself
I used to flip out when mu partner watched it the odd time until i did too and it got to the point he wont watch it as i kep sayin hez not a bad looking man lol so i won but anyways each to their own like
Pink diamonds why you asking age that doesnt matter!!!
I think that it is not a big deal that he is watching porn. If he only watch it once in a while then he is not addicted to it. I know you have your beliefs about porn, I had that same opinion about porn but after a while I was ok with my husband watching it because every time he watch it I watch it with him. One thing about porn is that even though they do all those scenes it's still like a "fantasy". That's just their job to entertain and give couples some ideas on how to spice up things. At least thats my opinion. I hope you guys can work this situation out and everything works for the best.
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