controling family. help!

[first_time_mum1311]

My hubbys family have always been the smothering kind.  Obsessivly clingy and always wanting information about mine and his relationship but recently his dad is getting really controling about the baby. I am 18 weeks and constantly arguing with my partner about this. His dad tells me that he will be making sure the first word said is grandad and said he will be completely taking over everything when the baby is here. He told me I dont have a choice about breast feeding as he will not accept my using formula and no matter what I say I cant get through to him. Im going insaine and I dont know what to do!! Help from anyone would be greatly appreciated!

[MissouriMommaofthree]

I put up with a lot of things for years just trying to be nice keep the peace with the in laws.  My MIL used to walk right in our house without knocking or yelling out.  It drove me bonkers.  About 12 years into the relationship I finally put my foot down. Now she knows not to come uninvited.  Life is so much better when you stick up for yourself.  And hubby wouldn't.   Don't expect your man to help in this situation.  Mine didnt.  I'm probably not liked very much by them now but that's okay as long as they are staying away unless invited.  MIL lives just up the road a few miles so she gets to see her son everyday when he goes down to her house.  I'm glad I don't have to.  It's lovely.

[mw89]

Ugh. Ok I had overbearing ex in laws with my first two.  And let me tell you that you need to squish this before it gets worse. You dont want to have unpleasent first memories with baby you want to enjoy it and think back about how happy and RELAXED you felt after he/she was born. You dont want the in laws taking those precious memories away.
as far as the feeding thing that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. He does sound mentally ill.

[italian2710]

That's just stupid. I would set them all straight if I were you. First of all its your baby, your the mother therefore you choose and decide family is just over the top. Tell grandpa he needs to relax and the baby will say mommy first bc that's what most babies first word is lol

[beckaabear]

I would start distancing myself from that side of the family. The bottom line is it is your child and being in an aggressive controlling environment is not healthy for you and the baby. Quit talking to them for a few weeks and then tell them every time they offend and threaten you will make the gap even wider. I had to tell my mother in law we were doing things my way or she will not be a part of her grandsons life. It's sad it had to come to that but it changed her tune. Just please always remember you have the power! You hold the baby!

[keaanddan03]

I agree with RockRose. It really is simple. You either a. Don't tell them you are in labor wait until its over. Or b. Tell your midwife you DO NOT want him in the room. They will most likely give you a code word. Once you say it, the nurse will kick everyone out. Last time I checked I dont think he can grab your breast and force you to feed! If he isn't joking, maybe some space and distance will help!

[RockRose]

firsttimemum,  really?  He's actually really saying all that stuff,  and not just laughing and joking with you?  

I can see a man laughing "his first word with be Grandpa" haha,  but does he REALLY mean he's going to be the first to hold the baby?  

Because honestly,  I don't think an LDR nurse will let that happen.  Parents have to bond first.

If he's really serious he sounds borderline mentally ill.

[kHz721]

Yeah I'm telling you now You will regret that you didn't have control. If I could go back to my first birth I would not of had all my family in there.  Everyone was taking my son and he was just screaming hating it, wanting to be with mum.

I would get your head straight and decide if this definitely does bother you and is something you want to change, Or if you dont mind and will just go with the flow..
Then explain your concerns with your nurse or midwife.
Having just you your partner and perhaps your mother in the birth room while labor and at least 1 hr after is a common sensible choice to make. Its a very big day for not onlyU the mom, but bub too.
Having control will only make it much harder on u. And by the sounds of it, if he gets what he wants with the birth once you get home It Will Not Stop.
And Your post natal depression is much more likely , I can see its already upsetting you.

You just need support to help put your foot down. I know what its like with controlling people and it really can weaken you. But trust me, there's people who can help !   Your nurse is a Huge start xx

[specialmom]

Hm, well, some of it is pretty cute.  he sure sounds excited.  That is funny he wants the first word to be granddad.  That isn't anything to be irritated about OR take all that seriously.  And what happens once you have the baby is you just bottle feed or breast feed whichever you decide and just do it.  You don't need to argue 'or get through to him'.  Just do your thing and let him adjust.  It's nothing to get mad about-----  you'll just be sure to do as you feel is best for your child and he'll see that and may complain but you don't have to really get into anything with him.  Just smile and say "thanks for your opinion." and leave it at that.  I have a whole family of very bossy in laws.  I am polite, smile and say "good to know" or "thanks for the advice" and move on and do what I want.  

good luck

[maw4389]

You tell him that it's YOUR baby and YOU will do things YOUR way and his advice will be solicited when needed, and if he doesn't like it then too damn bad!

[Sareney_beany12]

Don't tell him when you are in labor. Tell your husband you are done with the way he is treating you and your unborn child. This is not right of him. And if you do tell the nurses that you don't want him anywhere near you then they have to listen even if that means they get security to escort him out. Stop talking to him and if they come over go to your room and lock the door and if your husband goes over there don't go with him.

[chrl]

I would just take the control away from him - don't tell him when you go into labour it sounds as though he has no respect for you and how you want to do things so don't give him the choice it's either your way or not at all!

[alexx1216]

Actually he can't be in there if you say it infront of the nurses they'll automatically escort him out. And no he cannot control the baby or w.e it is he's trying to do. Crazy.

[first_time_mum1311]

Thanks everyone... I actually told him today that this will be mine&my partners baby and I will not alow him to take total control and his response was "you dont have a choice, I will be there while you give birth weather you like it or not and I will be the first to hold the baby" he said since I have not done it before and he has then its not up to me because il get it wrong. Im going out of my mind!!!

[kHz721]

I would completely ignore him and do everything as you please. When the baby's here if he dared try to take them from your arms or act in anyway I would Firmly say excuse me!? And move to a different area.

If communicating isn't working for you, he will soon learn otherwise.

You cannot let them take over. This is Your baby and You need to realise that.. Then they will.
Xo

[Deekie]

Lest I checked men can't breastfeed ... Even if your not planning on it they don't need to know that you aren't so that stops him from taking over ...and hey that solves the other issue about breastfeeding and formula. Your choice on which you wanna do but if you say you breastfeed there's no reason to be around at their house constantly in regards to taking over you are that babies parent and although that baby is their grandchild ultimately they have no say. Stand up to him and tell him that you are the mother and you will decide what is best for your baby . Tell them if they wasn't to raise a baby again then go and adopt because you didn't have this child for them you had it for you. Tell him that of he can't accept that any thing to do with this baby is your choice and if he can't support that then he can't be a part of that kids life. If my grandad or husbands grandad said that to me I would go out of my way to make sure that babies first word was as*hole or something stupid to get your point across

[MsRodriguez23]

You need to talk to ur partner cause that's your baby u can do what ever u please and shouldn't no one tell u what to do with ur baby don't matter who that person is if its not u or the dad no one should have a say so