Depressed and Stressed

[NicoleB83]

So about 6 weeks ago my husband slept with another woman. We've been married going on 12 years and have 2 wonderful kids. He wanted a 3rd so we decided to try. I found out a few days after that he slept with her when I was about 30 weeks pregnant. Never thought we'd be in this situation. He says he's sorry and doesn't have feelings for her. I'm having a hard enough time getting the images out of my head and I find myself constantly checking his phone. He's still talking to her and it's like he's  still trying to keep her around. I know I should leave seeing as he really hasn't changed his ways with her. He only knew her for 2 weeks and even lied about using protection with her....what kind of man puts his baby in that kind of danger.....my main concern is to stay as calm as I can until my daughter is born and make a decision afterwards. Do you think it's wrong to wait until after she's born?

[specialmom]

Well, this is difficult.  No woman wants to be a single mom.  Is that he is like this news to you?  Or has he been a jerk off and on for a while now??  

I would think about what you can do for your own living---  job.  Are you trained at anything??  If not, then research what you can do such as job training, trade school or college.  Look into financing for it---  grants can be very helpful as well as financial assistance and heck, take out a loan if you have to.  Get trained and get a job.  While that feels hard as you have kids and will soon have a new baby, that is the reality.  You need to be able to be independent from this man.

I do believe relationships can heal and do not buy into once a cheater always a cheater----  but a man has to WANT to make the marriage work too and he doesn't sound all that concerned about it.  So, you need to be able to be independent of him.  You can get child support which will help but you need your own income.

good luck

[RockRose]

Nicole, this is worse than it sounded to begin with.

I don't think this specific woman will be around long - she seems like she moves around pretty quickly.  She'll likely be done with him shortly.

But a man who will tell his wife that a fling is better in bed - is already out the door.   That is a complete disconnect.   He's not even ashamed and regretful.  

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[NicoleB83]

Yes... she knew he was married with kids and one on the way. He's an ironworker and was working at the company she works for repairing some stuff, etc. She found him in Facebook which has pictures of us on it. He says he's going to handle it, so I let him. A little background on her, she used to date one of his fellow journeymen and cheated on him with many other guys. All the guys told him she was bad news, but he friends her. Then one Sunday I was at work and the kids stayed the night at my in laws. I even joked with him about being "good" he dropped me off some breakfast and drove 45 minutes to her place. When he did tell me that Tuesday after I asked because something was off he I searched all of his messages to find they were deleted which is odd for him so I looked at the logs and found he'd been texting her 50+ times a day since 3 days before including naked pics of each other and on the day it happened He started calling her at 5.30 a.m. when I was gone for work. He continued to talk to her and text her the next day all day Tuesday right after I left for my second job and I asked him about it that night. I had to ask her about protection the next morning because I knew he was lieing. And yes, he said she was better in bed than I am right now because there are certain things I can't do, etc because of being pregnant. I close my eyes and I see them ...it hurts. I didn't even want a 3rd baby. I was happy with 2, but I knew he wanted 3 so we decided to try. I love my little girl don't get me wrong and I will always love my kids. I was just good on having 2. I really don't have any friends left, I allowed him to cut them out of my life over the years and the few I have are his friends girlfriends who change all the time. I'm ashamed to tell my parents because they told me long ago I was making a bad choice, but when kids are involved they feel you should stick it out. His family knows, and are furious, but we just don't talk about it.

[MandyTee]

*on your own like tons of women

[MandyTee]

I only said to stay till you have the baby so you can set a plan into motion for yourself... I've been there...Uuuuu need a plan...he's emotionally abusing you. Idgaf how"cool" that girl is, she's no women...women don't do that to each other...obviously she's good in bed that's why he's doesn't want to lose her...it's the only reason men don't let go of affairs...but seriously make a plan. Daily to do lists...and get out... one foot in front of the other...then boom...you'll be doing it...with 3 kids ok...I'm your own like slit of written...but you will be setting a positive example to your kids about exceptable treatment...and how uuuuu can be self sufficient and strong

[RockRose]

Does this girl know he's married with two kids and a pregnant wife?

You've got a lot of thinking to do here.  If you can't support yourself and three children (and that's HARD),  what would you do?  Will child support be enough to get you by,  + working?  

There are a lot of women who have stayed for the security of having a nice house and stable life for their children,  at least for awhile until your baby is a little older.

What does he want,  do you know?  Does he want to stay married?

[wyattsmom2015]

one day he will see what he had and gave up. look around to see if there are places in your area that can help you in your situation. I hope things go well for you, he sounds a little controlling.

[wyattsmom2015]

people don't really change, they are who they are. if he cheated then he would again. people who are able to change do so because of a change in their life, given the same set of circumstances they repeat their actions. that being said what has changed in your lives that would make him not do it again? are you sure this is a first offense? can you be sure he will never be in the position again to bring him to do it again? Personally I would leave, I could never let it go and never mention it again. It is not right to hold something over someone, it is best to cut ties. Only you can decide what is best and what you can deal with. he needs counciling on his own to know why he did it in the first place and marriage sessions to see if you can move past it. only then can you both heal from the pain a really move on. good luck.

[NicoleB83]

Kind of my thoughts now especially with knowing he still has been in contact with her. I feel we will leave, but I've already had a difficult pregnancy  (thankfully nothing too serious) that I don't want to stress her out more by a move. Plus financially I'm not there to support myself and 3 kids. I gave up a college scholarship because he didn't want me to go. that should have been a clue. It hurts to know how much I've done for this man and to be pooped on like this. I Deserve better as do my kids.i just don't see a way of working it out if he wishes to continue contact with her. He says she's a cool girl and wants to be friends. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings.....but apparently mine don't matter. That suns it up to me that I don't matter.....just need to get settled and stable again. Then he can do as he pleases, maybe one day he'll realize he messed up.

[specialmom]

We can not say adamantly that he will not change.  That simply not true in all cases.  Couples work through this and can stay together when it is the desire of both parties.  She has to be willing to eventually move past it as part of the healing and he has to be forever true blue to her and an open book to heal.  But couples CAN heal if they decide to go that route.  

But it is up to you and I'd give it some time to see how you feel.  peace

[helenakinghehir]

I say you need to reach out to your family and friends.  Get people around you that can offer practical advice and help. You need to have people you can lean on close as you prepare for the birth.
He's being completely unfair to you. You don't owe him a thing. Get a lawyer and make sure you get as much financially as you can from him.
Even if you still love him- I say get yourself in as strong as a position as you can. Then make him leave or if it easier go stay with your parents and see does he work to get back in your life.

[Abbey2121]

RUN!!!!!!! He will jot change and he clearly isn't sorry. I'm sorry you are going thru this but you need to get out of there. You need to be strong for the sake of yourself and your children. Don't be the women that let's him get away with this. He was only sorry because he got caught. The proof is in the pudding.....he's still talking to her.

[specialmom]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this.  What betrayal that is and how hurt you must be!!  I will tell you that plenty of women do stay with their husbands and make a relationship work after infidelity.  Most are in need of couple's counseling and it is a process of trusting again.  But I've known couples that make it work and actually are closer than before the infidelity. Nothing like almost losing everything (like your husband did) to make you appreciate your life!!  So, give it some time and think about couples therapy to work through it.  

Oh, and for intrusive thoughts.  Think of your mind like a tape recorder.  You can turn it on and off.  Have a go to activity (or two or three) that you immediately do when the tape recorder starts back up.  You turn the tape recorder off (picture this) and go to your 'to do' activity that you can throw yourself into.  good luck hon

[Coobie30]

Been there before and its easy for people from the outside looking in to give you advice, especially because we don't know the whole story. What I do know from experience is that its not going to stop.We as women go through enough stress just being pregnant. Its hard to leave someone that you have been with that long. Its also hard to stay with them because there is no trust. You are going through his phone and he is still talking to her, you deserve better. I will pray for your strength and for a healthy, happy delivery good luck on your decision.

[natielou]

I dont think you should wait until after the baby is here. You cant judge your emotions properly when youve had a baby. The fact he is still in touch with her should ring alarm bells im afraid. If it didnt mean anything he would of cut contact by now. He might try worm his way round you by using the baby as an excuse. You will be emotionally drained and not prepared to defend yourself. Get rid now i say even if its only for a short while

[alid32]

I would look at the following- do you love him, is he sorry, do you want to work it out, is he willing to go to counseling, is he still communicating with her. Only you know what you are willing to do. Many couples get through their spouse cheating. But definitely boundries have to be in place. There's no right or wrong- it's what you want mama. Whether you have him stay or go you need to make the decision and stick to it. Whatever you feel is best for you. Good luck!

[Skittles_2_1_15]

You don't need to wait till after the baby.. If I was you I would make him leave asap... Your pregnant he is cheating and not even protecting his self and putting you and your child at risk... That's crazy an he is still talking with her God knows if he still doing stuff with her you don't deserve that you deserve better someone to respect you and your family.. You just gonna be wasting your time and adding extra heartbreak to yourself if you continue... Now it's in the open he won't stop.. I would call that new girl an ask her if she knows about me... Aka you..

[Furby85]

Im so sorry this is happening to you. This is making me cry for you. Men can be selfish no good pigs. You deserve better than him! As for that home wrecking W*ore....... You're a better woman than me bc she wouldn't recognize her trashy face when I was done. Im sorry I sound so vulgar but this has me worked up reading this. How dare he! You are growing his child.

[MandyTee]

Play it smart...No greater wrath then a women scorned. Seriously though he's a Scumbag... you don't deserve that...time to pull out that inner strength and make a plan then stick with it. I say wait till babies born and you are stable. Take him by surprise. Cause he didn't care about hurting you. If he did he'd stop all contact and take that secret to the grave with him... That should not be your burden... God i wanna slap him and i don't even know him... get away from that filth...you know your kids need a strong role model and its sad but apparently you have to provide it because your spouse is incapable.

[teetee3forlife]

truthfully baby not trying to judge but i would have to leave now because now you know about the girl and also know that hes still talkinv to her so its not go stop because you are excepting what he is doing and not taking action yall have been together for 12 yrs and now he got something new that hes not going to leave alone because it's something different and he's going to tell you what ever you want to hear to stay off his back . if only i would had just took action and left my bf i wouldnt be alone today having to raise my baby all alone so just think about it do you care about him more than yourself ( no women deserve the things we go through but we do it to ourselves when we don't take action ) praying for you hun

[luxah]

It can't be one sided. If he said he was sorry and had no feelings for her then he shouldn't be talkimg to her anymore. I deffinately would not be sleeping with him anymore thats for sure cus he can't be safe. When you handle the situation is up to you, but if you want things to work out it can't be one sided, he'll have to actually try to make things work too. Good luck hun.

[elirherrera]

I think you should do what makes you feel better. I actually left my kids dad when i was pregnant of our 2nd son. I was 5 months prego. Ever since i left him i did not go back with him. Now its been about 12 years since then and he still doing the same thing maybe even worst things to his current babies mom.

[b4b]

You need to do what is best for you and your kids. In your situation, I would say that all communication with the other woman must stop. If you are willing to work things out, seek counseling.  It will take a lot for you to trust him again, if you can't,  there is nothing left.