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11165184 tn?1429572982

husband's porn addiction; need advice

So my husband has struggled with a porn addiction since he was a teen. It isn't an everyday or even an all the time thing, it mainly happens when he is under stress from what he tells me. Well this is our third baby and all 3 pregnancies he has gotten into it.

The first time, I found out about it when I was 38 weeks pregnant and he had been viewing it since I was about 6 months pregnant. The second time he got into it, I was again 6 months pregnant, but he came right out and told me. Now this time he started getting into it the end of January and I found out just barely on Friday (happy Mother's Day to me :( ). I found out because I happened to come across an email that I confronted him about. I have had a feeling he had been into it for a while and I've asked him about it but he told me every time that he doesn't have time for it. It always made me feel stupid for asking because he goes to work at between 5:30-6 in the morning for his part time job, then he goes to the gym until it's time for his second job and he works there from 8:30-6. So what he would tell me was I don't have the time. Come to find out he would look at it if he got out late from his first job and didn't have time to workout, but it wasn't quite time to go to his regular job yet.

My problem is that he never gets into it unless I'm pregnant. It makes me feel like it has to do with the way I look even though he INSISTS 'it has nothing to do with the way you look' and 'you are so beautiful'. I feel so awful about myself and I never really got over it the last time he did it. Now I feel like I don't even want him touching me, let alone look at me. I was so excited for our first baby girl and now I don't even want to be pregnant anymore. I don't want to look like this and I'm not even excited to have her. In fact, I'm almost ready to just give her up for adoption because of how bad this hurts. Even though we will end up keeping her, I don't know how I feel about him being there when she is born :/

He knows how I feel about this, but for some reason every time, he chooses it over me and how I feel. I know some people think it isn't a big deal, but to me it is. Please don't comment if you are going to say just let him do it or do it with him. I have had body issues since I was little due to being sexually, emotionally, and physically abused so it is really hard on me when he basically confirms that I am not good enough.

Sorry for the novel. I just feel so lost and confused.
13 Responses
Avatar universal
It sounds to me like you both need some counseling. Alone for your problems that started as a child,and together as a couple. I see one once a month. It really helps.
Avatar universal
This may not be what you want to hear, I'm not going to tell you to just get over it, but I do think you are reading way too much in to it and need to stop taking it personally. You say you feel like he's choosing port over you but if you are thinking about keeping him away when the baby is born or wanting to give it up and you are the one that is making porn more important than him.

From what you discribe I would not say he suffers from an "addiction
11165184 tn?1429572982
We were going to one after the second time, but he stopped going because he thought it was a waste of time. Now we live in the middle of no where and with the way his schedule is, he never has days off during the week. Most counselors don't work on the weekend and in order for us to go during the week, he'd have to take time off and we are already struggling financially with him having to take off for my appointments (since we only have 1 running vehicle at the moment and he works a half an hour away). Plus on top of that he has his own appointments. :(
11165184 tn?1429572982
What do you think it is then?
Avatar universal
" as an addiction is categorized by something that interferes and disrupts daily life. I don't believe he is choosing it over you.  It is likely just a way he deals with stressful situations. You need to be strong enough in yourself to trust him and believe him when he says that you are beautiful and that his feelings or attractions to you have nothing to do with what is happening. porn is used as a means to an end and I would out money on the fact that it is simple stress relief. It is also likely that this goes on a lot more often than you think, you're just more sensitive and aware of it when you're pregnant. Men really do mean what they say. Believe in your marriage and have faith. Good luck!
11165184 tn?1429572982
And the reason for not wanting him there is because I don't want him to see me naked. It doesn't really have to do with having the baby. It's more or less how vulnerable I'll be and I don't want to look at him and just break down in tears. As for not wanting the baby, it's because I just want to be done. I don't want to keep growing and getting even more stretch marks and more saggy skin. So I just keep thinking about ending the pregnancy.
11165184 tn?1429572982
I have never thought I was beautiful or even remotely pretty, so for me to just accept what he says is impossible. I feel like when he sees those models, he is then comparing me to them and I feel like I may as well give up because I will never look like them.
Avatar universal
No you won't ever look like them but guess what, neither will I!  Neither will most of the women on this earth. And honestly, most of those women don't even look like that on a normal basis with out all the makeup and don't forget the plastic surgery.

What it comes down to hun is he married you. He loves you. And you guys have a life and a family together.  Believe me I can completely understand your insecurities because I deal with my own. But you should not be ashamed of your body. Understand that he sees you as you are and thinks that you are beautiful!!
11165184 tn?1429572982
But when I feel that's what he wants, it's hard to accept that. Not only that but men who struggle with that addiction have unrealistic expectations of what a woman should look like... And it is an addiction because right around the time he started looking at it again, he became very distant. He rarely showed any affection and he would talk to his mom more than he talked to me, and even when he did talk to me, there were awkward silences to the point of me just saying thati will just talk to him when he got home. Usually when he did get home we would end up fighting. I thought it was because of me being so hormonal, but it wasn't. He would also keep his phone right on him and would take it with him to bed. He also used to shower at night, but since I was still up, he stopped doing that and took them in the mornings instead. I attributed the keeping his phone on him all the time to the fact that he broke his phone's screen and didn't want the boys touching it. But something in the back of my mind knew it wasn't right. I don't know. I feel so lost and alone. I don't really like talking to family about it because I don't want them to think he's a bad person. He does a lot for our family and unfortunately his time of caving in results in my feelings, self image, self confidence, and self worth being hurt.
Avatar universal
It is unfortunate timing but that does not mean that it is related to your appearance. It's sounds like he works very hard as it is to care for you and your family and that things are still difficult financially. I would imagine that the idea of another baby is putting a lot of strain on him right now and his need to be able to provide for his family. If he does view this as an addiction then it is because it is something that takes him away from the real world and away from its stresses. His pulling away could also be a reaction to your responses. I know sex has been a difficult thing for me and my partner because my drive has plummeted. It's not that I don't feel the need, more that the actual act has no appeal to me right now. But it does not mean that I am any less attracted to him or wish he was someone else.
11165184 tn?1429572982
I see your point, but the gym was what was supposed to be helping him deal with the stress. I know it is hard on him and I wish there was more I could do to help relieve some if the stress. I've asked him to talk to his boss about letting me do something from home for his business, but I don't know if he has. It doesn't make sense either because with both of the other 2 pregnancies I was working, almost as much as him! I even worked up until I went into labor with both of them.
Avatar universal
Please remember he is with you for a reason. He loves you and your the sexiest person to him. Oh of everyone he's attracted to you the most. If he wasn't he wouldn't be coming home to you and he wouldn't tell you your beautiful.

Sometimes we are our own biggest judge. Don't be hard on yourself. I think it's his was of coping.
Not that it's right but I bet he feels guilty for it. If it's affecting your relationship try to talk about it in a non judging way so he can open up a little more.

My partner looks at porn and he knows how edited they are. He got mag once and the woman's belly button was missing. I have felt hurt at times but over the years I know most men look at it one point or another.

My friend is gorgeous.. But he husband watches it most nights on the phone.

I always worried about my stretch marks but my partner loves my body. I hate it. He can't work out why I hide sometimes when getting dressed.  But to be honest I've found my partner attractive when his put on weight or lost it. I love his little stretch marks.

Try to give him a massage when you have time and relax him. Try to keep your sex fun and loving. With you closing off he may feel unwanted to. Love each other.

Also birth is beautiful. He would be more amazed, worried about you and Bub being safe.
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