My mom, his mom? My mom.

[B1128]

My boyfriend and I live in another state, giving birth where we live. So our parents/families/whomever will need to fly there to be there if this is what they choose. The only person I want there when the baby is born and after, is my mom. This is what I prefer and it is something I truly want. His mom is thinking she's going to be there too when the baby is born. Which means me, boyfriend, baby, and both moms. In our small single wide trailer. I think it is unessiccary and I personally do not want two extra people when all we need to do is have one and then the other. How do I express to my boyfriend logically that I want my mom there, and his can come after she leaves. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it is unessiccary and I don't want any extra stress with all sorts of people in my house when I will already be uneasy. Plus, I want my mom there for the delivery, I just want her there.

Is it unfair of me to want my mom there first and his to come after she leaves? Am I wrong for wanting this? I need advice, I need help explaining to my boyfriend how I feel, and why. And probably to his mother as well.

[B1128]

It doesn't seem like we are going to have a lot of family around. Just my mom and dad, then his mom of course, his dad lives where we do. And that's really all that will be there shortly after the baby is born. Maybe even my grandmother. I was thinking about telling his mother that my mom has put in for two emergency leave weeks, one before the date and one after the expected date. That way she is able to come whenever she needs too, and we have an actual time for me to tell his mother. I'm thinking my mom may only be there for a week to help.

[specialmom]

Oh, I totally agree and especially if people are buying plan tickets!  What if you go late??  Ugh, that would throw everything off if people are flying out.  

[B1128]

We aren't sure, probably a week. I'm not due until March 14th, give or take. But this is something that should be planned out so it's all understood and there are less problems for everyone.

[specialmom]

Just put a positive spin on it.  If your mom isn't there when she is there, she doesn't have to share the grandma attention!  She gets to be the helper plus she'll have a place to sleep other than the floor (throw that in for good measure).  Tell her you'll APPRECIATE her help a lot more if she comes after you mom.  

By the way, how long is your mom stay?  

[B1128]

My boyfriend won't have any time off, except for the weekends. He is starting a new job the 21st of this month, he will be either first or second shift. I am concerned how his mother will take it. She tends to blow small things up and make them into something big. I don't want anyone's feelings hurt, but she gives me sever anxiety and makes me uncomfortable in general. I feel I will have enough going on already around me and inside of me, I just don't want any extra stress or feelings.

I don't like picking and choosing, but we don't have the room, and I do prefer to have my mom there because she is who I want in the delivery room, and who makes me feel most comfortable. She has been the one to comfort me my whole life, the one who has been there for me. And the person I want to be there to comfort me, and help me through this time in my life where I'm most scared and don't know what I am doing.

I've already talked to my mom, it's just my boyfriend and his mom I am worried about.

[specialmom]

No, I think it is reasonable.  You aren't saying you don't want her there, you are being practical about space and your needs.  what I would do is appeal to how it would be MOST helpful.  I would call her yourself and say that you are thrilled she is so excited and she is going to be a great grandma but that you were thinking about this and what would be most helpful and that would be to stretch the support out. . .    for the parents to come one after the other rather than at the same time.  That you will have your mom come the first two weeks and if she would be so kind as to come and be the Grandma helper for the next two weeks, that would be so wonderful to you.

tell your husband you want her there too but it is just so much better if it is spread out so that if you need help those second two weeks, you'll have it.  My husband went back to work after two weeks home and I was lost the first few days after he did that.  You still need help when the baby is a couple of weeks old.

I do think it is a bit sad that the male's mom always gets the shaft which doesn't bode well for me as a mother of sons but what can a woman do?  It's your big day and you're doing the work so you have to do what makes you most comfy.  That's the bottom line. Being open to her coming after your mom is good.  And hopefully your husband will understand this.  

good luck