I feel like a terrible mom

[Kaylee_Frye]

I'm crying as I write this.  I haven't been able to tell ANYONE about this.

I have a beautiful, precious baby girl born September 12, about a month early.  Things started out really great with her, but the past month has really been a challenge for me.  She got sick, and then had trouble sleeping.  The only place she would sleep is literally on my chest.  When she got better again, she still wouldn't sleep any other way.  In fact, I cannot put her down.  Ever.  When I do, she cries and when I pick her back up, she clutches my shirt and my hair so tight.  I don't know what is going on.  I have started to have feelings of resentment toward her. I am SOOO tired and my family lives half of the country away.  There is no help.  I don't have any other kids, but it feels like she is just taking everything away: my sleep, my time with my husband, my time to write or think, my milk, my food (because she throws a fit if I put her down to eat).

I can't hardly sleep when she is like this and when I pull her away she cries.  She literally wants to be held ALLLLLLLL the time.  She doesn't like her toys anymore.  I have asked my husband for help, but he will only hold her for a few minutes and then when she cries for me, he gives her back.  I think he knows something is wrong because yesterday he asked me out of the blue what was wrong with me and took me for a drive, and told me he appreciated all the work I'm doing.  I am having a hard time explaining to him how I feel because I feel like I am just coming across as whiny.  'Get over it - did you think this would be easy?'  He didn't say that, but I feel it.  I feel resentment toward him, too because he leaves me in the morning and doesn't come back until late at night every day.

Just now, I put her in her crib so I could poop (sorry TMI), and she started crying.  When I was done, I came back to get her, but could literally not bring myself to pick her back up.  She looked at me and started wailing and I just sunk down next to the crib and cried.  She is still crying, soaking with sweat, but I just canNOT handle her anymore.  

I don't think I have PPD because I really feel like I just want the space back and then I will be fine, but I get down on myself because I feel so selfish.  I should be happy I have a healthy, amazing baby.  I do love her and I know that she deserves the best mother I can be.

I feel so selfish and like a miserable, miserable person.  I need to snap out of it and take care of her, but I just want a break.  Sometimes I hold her and think about what it would be like to just set her down and run away -- how awful is that?!  What is wrong with me?  I just want to die, but I know that I am probably overreacting because I am so tired.  Please tell me I am not the only person to feel like this.

Thanks for reading my book.... How do you guys do this?  God, please pray for me.

[Juana824]

First, let me say that I agree with everything everyone els has stated. You are not alone in this! We are all here to support you. I have the same feelings and this thing is not easy! I always tell people...having a baby is nothing like it seems in the lifetime movies! LOL

I have been so stressed lately, and my DH doesn't get it...I didn't know what I was feeling towards him at times, but what you wrote put it all in perspective. I love him dearly, but Ithhink he just doesn't get it sometimes!!

Hang in there and remain prayerful...This too shall pass!! God bless you!

[jenkaye21]

Awww... I am so sorry you are feeling that way.  I just wanna cry for you, I know how hard it can be.  NO ONE can possible imagine what it's like to be a mother until it happens to you, right? = )  Even "dad", *especially* dad, it seems sometimes.

All I can add is, don't be afraid to let her cry for a little while; she actually needs to learn to calm herself, mom won't always be able to do it.  SIt her in front of the TV (yes, I said it), or in a bouncer, jumper, etc. and do what you need to do.  

Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help, too.  When I had my first baby I never wanted to ask for help.  Most of my friends did not have kids.  Years later I found out that they would have *loved* to babysit for a few hours; they wondered why I never asked!??  And here I didn't want to impose on anyone, but, hopefully you have people like that who would love to help if only you would ask.

Good luck, Michele is SOOO right, too. It doesn't last forever, just FEELS like it, and time flies so fast.

[ladybugbob1029]

Hi Hon!  You have gotten wonderful advice.  What you are feeling does NOT make you a bad mother.  I know you don't think you have PPD, but what you are describing is EXACTLY what I went through and I had PPD.  I started Zoloft 5 weeks after Cash was born and after about 4 weeks I fealt like a brand new woman!  It's still hard at times, but I don't get the out of control feelings or the feelings like I want to just put him down and walk away/run away and have my own life.  I know all f=of the thoughts and feelings you have sound terrible to others that don't understand, but just keep in mind those thoughts have nothing to do with your relationship with your baby or how you feel about your babe.  You love your baby!!  It's the situation that is giving you theses feelings.  This period will NOT last forever - trust me.  My son is 5 and a half months and its easier now.  I remember being at your stage though and thinking - hurry up and get bigger and not so needy.  Now I long for his little baby stages.  I HATE PPD and wish there was a way to prevent it.  But you are an awesome mom!  Just talk to your dr.  They have heard it all before.  You are not alone, the only one, or abnormal!  If you ever wnat to talk just message me.  I have quiet a story - and it may help you.  Take care girl!!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Everyone has given you such good advice and we all get frustrated sometimes.  This is my 6th one and it doesn't magically become easier either.  The only difference is that you know to expect it.  You know it will be hard.

If I know my baby is fed, changed, and not sick or in any pain, and that she just wants me, I will let her cry while n I do what I have to do.  I do what Latrice said.  I will put Mary in her bouncer while I shower, eat, poop, etc.  If she cries anyway, then she just has to cry while I do what I have to do.  I talk to her and tell her that I love her while she cries.  Its never for very long but we still have to take care of ourselves also  If we aren't okay and healthy, we can't take proper care of our kids and be the mothers they need us to be.

The way I get through the most frustrating times is to just remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this time period won't last forever.  You blink and she will be in school and you will just cry and wonder where the time went.  I know it's easier said than done to think that way but it is so very, very true.

Hang in there, and it won't hurt to speak w/ your doctor.  I know you don't think you have PPD and maybe you don't, but you never know. Even if you don't have actual PPD but are just experiencing depression or anxiety of some sort, some anti-depressants may help you.  Take care and we are always here to listen.

[Latrice414]

My cousin who is almost 4 months name is Kaylee.  I cant relate to some degree.  Im not a stay home mom but i am a single parent that works full time and it is stressful and frustrating to do all of that and raise a new born and a teenage boy.  My son  is 14 and in 9th grade, he plays basketball and the games are twice a week so i try to find time to go to at least one game a week, going to 2 means i totally dragged myself to the game, b4 the baby i went to all his games, even games when he played in other states.  I dont have no one in the home to pic up the baby when i poo or shower or cook, Trinity likes to be held all the time to, and cries when you put her down.  Right now she is watching wonder pets but that will only last 20 min.  I take her in the bathroom with me when i shower or poo and i put her in her bouncer.  My son will come and get her so i can have some peace, bcuz i had to take care of my sibiling when i was 12 i thought it was so unfair, it was 4 of them, i said when i have kids i will never do that to them, so i am thankful i dont have to ask my son to do things and that he does them bcuz he wants to.

It wont hurt to talk to your dr about your situation also,  Keep praying and i will keep you in my prayers

[slzerbst]

For the past month Owen has expericaned terrible gas pains and we've finally got a handle on it... I mean for the time being.  Any who when I went to work it was terrible, I mean I woud be up at 4am and off to my parent's house and then to work by 630am, work until 230pm, pick him up... Some days I would actually take a nap at my parent's house.  And when I'd get home, it would be a fussy and screaming match... LoL I'm so happy that I don't have close neighbors because I'm pretty sure the noise would keep them up... any who...

There were days where I would pick up a shift just so I wouldn't have to be around him as much... And I know that sounds terrible, but I had been around him now for 8 weeks strait, along with every night after work and on my days off... and I was strung out, tired, well more like exhusted... most nights all I would do is come home and go to bed, sometimes take a shower... OHHH and when I went back to work DH finally steped up and started giving him his night time bottles, which I enjoy because I get some peace and quite to myself... But Owen has defintally became way more attached to me... I mean there are times when DH will be hold him and he'll just start whaleing for no real reason... until he sees me or I pick him up.  But I agree our men dk what we have went through... they don't know how good they have it unless they are a stay at home parent.  

Example: Two weekends ago I had to work and DH had drill for the army one day, but off the next, well he left Owen at his parent's house until I got off from work and we picked him up together.  So he got a "free" day at home... when have I ever been able to do that... when do I get a brake?!  Exactually we are now mommies, and we now have not only our lives to run, but our baby's life as well... and MEN don't seem to understand that.  I mean it has taken alot of time and paients to get my husband to finally realize that I needed a brake, even if it's only so I can shower...

Also Owen has began to grow out of all of these things just within the past few days, he's still not taking his pacy... which isn't suprising... cuz he's found his hands and he's working on his feet.  And it's super cute... now he'll entertain himself in his crb for a while until I decied it's time to get up... So there is hope and I fully agree with the privous posted about if you've done everything you can for your baby, let them cry.  Who knows, he might just be strenthing his lungs, because they do need to do that...

[sphillips]

I feel bad for you! I'm glad that you spoke up though. Sometimes having some one to 'talk' to is half the battle. There were days in the beginning when I wanted to put Eli in his cradle and put his cradle in the garage and just let him cry. I never did it but I thought about it alot. I told my DH about it and he totally understood. For 4 or 5 days he started getting up with Eli in the morning. For example, Eli would wake at 7 am and I would feed him and change him and then DH would take him on a car ride to the toy store or mall or whatever and try to keep him calm for an hour or two while I showered or slept. When they got home I would always be happy to see Eli. That reassured me that I wasn't a bad mom...just a tired and stressed out mom. After a few days of it I started wanting to get up with Eli again. A few weeks after that his fussy mornings and wanting to be held all the time slowly went away. Now he gets mad if I hold him too much. He squirms and cries to be put down. I don't want to give you false hope though. I don't know your LO's personality and it might not change for quite a while. Like the docs always say: if your baby's crying and you can't take it put them down in a safe place and walk away. Go outside so you can't hear her for a couple mins. Then take a few deep breaths and go back and pick her up. I would add to that advice to pray while holding her and thank God that you have a beautiful little girl who loves you sooo much that she can't be without you. I hope something I've 'said' can help you in some way. *hugs*

[NicMom]

I'm sorry your having such a hard time. To some degree the problems you have are normal all moms feel exhausted and drained at times. I know you don't think that you have ppd, but having had it myself I can relate to your feelings of wanting to run away and not being able to pick the baby up. Then I would get down on myself for even thinking like that. For sure a lack of sleep makes all these feelings even worse.

I noticed something that most new moms don't talk about is the resentment you get towards your husband/partner and the imagined resentment you think they have for you. It's funny that you talk about having to go to the bathroom. This drives me nuts! There are days where I can't put her down so I can go to the bathroom, but my husband doesn't have to ask anyone to hold a baby so he can go. Why should I? How fair is that? He can poop whenever he wants to and I have to ask someone to hold my baby. It's like that with everything he takes it for granted that he can get up in the morning and take a shower. Some days I don't get a shower at all. At the same time I always think that if I whine or ask for help he'll think I can't handle being a mom.

I really think this is more of a stay at home mom problem since your so isolated with the baby all day.

I can say no matter how crazy your baby is with her sleep or crying when you put her down you can do things to make that better. Try putting her in her crib to sleep and let her cry it out for 5 minutes then go in pick her up and sooth her for a few minutes then lay her down again. She'll get exhausted and fall asleep at some point. It's not easy, but if you keep at it she'll get use to the crib again. Same goes for putting her down when she's awake. If she screams let her go for 5 minutes and then pick her up and start over again. Give it a try when your in a good mood and be prepared for the crying don't get stressed out. Good luck!

Don't feel bad being a new mom is hard work.

[Kaylee_Frye]

I just got her out and hugged her tight.  Mommy is doing her best, even if she is sucky lately.