what shall i do? :(

[radhika28]

Im sorry this post is a bit long, but i need u guys!

I cannot share this with people i know, so im writing here.
As you guys know im 15wks pregnant.My hubby knows that i need to be calm in the head and not stressed. when i conceived there were too many family problems(my side of family) and v just about got over it when my brother in law started blaming me for indulging into his and my sisters married life. in reality there was for no fault of mine. then one day my husband explained to me and told me not to take all those things seriously as it would affect our baby's growth,which was the biggest concern to him. He asked me to be frank and talk to him, so i spoke abt a few issues i had with his folks..and that was it..he over reacted as though he would faint. so i just shut my mouth. whole night he kept on telling me things and i was crying whole night last friday. later in the mornin, he asked for forgiveness and hugged me and kissed me and said i love you etc.
though this friday again he had many issues with my family and made me cry half the night again, so much so that i became breathless and then he started  caring again for me.
then we shifted into our own new place this weekend.
my inlaws came over for the house warming.
[Iv become too sensitive to smell and cannot cook and cant eat out either. So during 1st trimester my husband called my mom to take care of me. she was cooking for me completely. I told this  his parents that i need u to take care of me.And he too mentioned that he will take care that someone cooks for me.]
iv been vomiting a lot due to acidity and since the time my inlaws came iv been vomiting a lot!
But the day they landed, no one cared to cook..so i had to do it myself! yester after house warming, my husband and i were in our room to sleep and we were just talking. suddenly he mentioned that im not cultured enough to follow my inlaws customs, so i gave him reasons to justify myself. but it didnt stop..he kept on saying something and i felt v hurt and left the room crying. i came back into the room 5 mins later as i was scared and wanted to check that he is not hurting himself. and then he said u sit down, i said no..iv had enough last week and yestrday.
THAT WAS IT, he got up and became physical, started throwing the pillows and clothes from the wardrobe and pulling the curtain and all. i was dead scared. he said iv made the biggest mistake getting married to u, uv been horrible, etc etc. I told him pl dun react like this atleast for the sake that im pregnant, he said dun use ur pregnancy as an excuse..im fed up completely :( i told him atleast for the sake of r baby dun react like this please. this went on for quite sometime and he settled writing down a diary. then he had a horrible headache, so i apologized for things that werent my mistake at all! again my inlaws went out shopping and returned only by 10. so i had to do all the cooking alone with the smell making me feel SICK. But he didnt even recognize it at all.
but no one cares, really.
I feel so sad and stressed..the more i try to be happy, the more this happens to me.
what shud i do?

[amberd5191]

You and your little baby will be in my prayers. Stay strong!

[radhika28]

I cannot talk about anything. somethins is wrong with him. he calls my mom and tells her that im creating a problem for him and this cant go on for long. he also just told me that im the cause of mental stress for him :( :( :( and he is so stressed that i may have to repent later without any reversion :(
so im up...so late in the night as cant get things outta my mind!
i was so disturbed on fri that i could hardly work in the office, but he has no ear for me to share this even at this time.
PL keep me in ur prayers, now only HE -God can help to sort out.

[cure65roses]

You are right, it sounds like he definitely has a problem, dear.  He needs to get help from a psychiatrist or counselor if he is seriously considering harming himself.

I'm glad you are feeling better now.  Hang in there.  But please do encourage him to seek help immediately.  

[radhika28]

Thanks so much girls. All your comments are so mature and helpful.
I will read them all again and then implement.
Indeed ALL and EVERYONE OF YOU are really great friends even though u dont know me that well.

For the sake of my baby i have decided to keep my mouth shut and agree to whatever he says. He told me yester that after whatever happened on Sun night, he has lost the thrill and excitement abt everything and life is really bad. On Sun he had even said that his folks may not be able to tolerate if he gives up living, so hez draggin on his life.
He looks v tensed and stressed since a few days now, im planning to act mature and listen to him...may b he really has a problem.

He asked his mom to cook for me this morning, so i guess theyve got the message now.
To make him happy i was talking n chatting to his sister till 4am in the morning while all were fast asleep...so that he doesnt feel im not giving them time.

Anyways, iv been praying to the Lord that now everything settles well..cant take all this anymore. And as you said my little darling can feel my heart and hear my voice, i better be careful.
Iv been talking to my baby though to assure him/her that all is fine, dont worry.

thanks again,
will keep u guys updated!

[YvetteY]

You know....I have become pretty cynical over the years.  I really don't count on people to do things for me.  If they do...great....but fact of the matter is I just take care of myself.  

If you depend on people....much of the time you will be either disappointed with how they do the job or they let you down.  

It sounds like you're upset that no one is cooking for you, or that you have to cook for others.  I would just say...sorry...I'm not feeling well...you are all on your own.  You mention cultural differences and I can understand that sort of ...but just think of what's best for you and don't worry about other people and what they do or stay.   If my husband started acting like a jerk and throwing things, I'd check my self into the nearest resort for a few days and run up a fat tab....then you can order room service.  

I'd order in for a while.  Or buy some already prepared meals at the store that you can just put in the oven.

The arguing won't really harm the baby, but it's certainly not good for you.  

[NicMom]

When I had my son it wasn't a planned pregnancy and my ex and I got married because I was catholic and we had no choice. We came from complete opposite family types and so family was always a major source of stress for us. He didn't get along with my family at all and try as I might I couldn't seem to make it work with his family either. The fights over family were so ugly. My ex would become physical, not with me no with everything in our house. He would throw things and scream and shout about how he wished we never got married. I ended up going into preterm labor and I've never been so stressed out in my entire life.

After we almost lost the baby at 18 weeks I had to come up with a new system for talking about family. I pretty much banned all hostile conversations for the sake of the baby. I bought a notebook and when I was upset I would write him a letter. Then he could write a letter back to me, but we did not yell at one another. If you have write something down you think about it a moment longer than if it was just going to fly out of your mouth. I also told him that if he started screaming and throwing things again that for the safety of his unborn child I would be forced to call for help. He never got out of control again. We we're able to discuss his anger issues and we talked about how a child would react to seeing that type of behavior.

You can't let the stress build up on you like that anymore. See if he would be willing to work out some type of arrangement where you don't scream and yell anymore. Some people say that the fights won't hurt the baby (like my ex mother in law), but I know even with this pregnancy when I get  really upset I start having bh contractions and cramping. Try the writing thing I know several couples who that has worked for.

Be sure to keep us posted and hang in there.

[Stacey1718]

So sorry you are going through this.  Your number one priority right now is you and your baby so do whatever you can to keep you both healthy.  As for your husband, he reacted terribly.  If he has never acted this way before then maybe he is under stress.  Pregnancy can sometimes be very stressful for our men.  If this is a pattern and he has become violent and verbally abusive before then you may need some help in dealing with him.  Not sure what to suggest but life is only going to have more demands as our bellies grow, we need more assistance and eventually our little ones enter the world.

Take care and good luck.  I hope things settle down for you.
Stacey

[Juana824]

I am sorry you are going through this, but you do need to calm down and not stress yourself and the baby... I really can't offer much advice...I have never experienced this  myself (the cultural difference thing)..but I agree with Momofboys, sometimes as women, we are expected to push through whatever is going on to take care of our families..I know there have been many times that I feel too sick to wash my face, but I push through and I do what has to be done. My DH loves to eat Salmon...normally I do too, but with this pregnancy..I can't stand the smell of it...I cook it for him and if I start to feel sick, he fnishes cooking it himself ...I pray things get better for you...

As for the in-laws...the best thing to do sometimes is to just refrain from saying anything...since this is a touchy subject for you and your husband, I would try to avoid any conflict...at least until the pregnancy is complete...I am just thinking of the well being of your little precious one...

Feel better and God bless you!

[amberd5191]

I'm not sure how to answer this question, I just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts. Can I ask what the cultural differences are that he was talking about?

[cure65roses]

I wouldn't apologize for things that you don't feel were your fault, especially if he was the one who behaved violently.  When you apologize to HIM after he acts out that way, it creates repeat occurances, causing him to behave childishly like that more often, in order to make you break down and take blame.  

You are right to be concerned about your stress level.  Too much stress is not good for the baby.  You need to try your best to stay balanced in your emotions.  Having said that, life is stressful, specifically being a mother and wife is stressful.  You may not like having to cook, neither do I actually.  (I'm 15 weeks also and I completely know what you mean about no appetite for eating out, and smells while cooking!) But, my family has to eat, and being a mother, means that I'm the one who has to just take care of things anyway, most of the time, and try to do it with the best attitude I can muster up...  well most of the time.  Lots of times, I cook for everybody else, and I don't eat a bite of what I cook, b/c all I can manage to eat is a bowl of cereal.  Sometimes, I even have to make a couple of different meals at one time, b/c everybody doesn't like the same things, and it never fails somebody will not want what I cooked, so I'll open up a can of raviolis or something just for them.  This may not be helpful to you at all, but my point is as a mother and wife, I feel like it's my responsibility and deep down, I actually find it very gratifying to take care of my family.  Nobody is perfect, but I'm just saying things are hard sometimes, but when your baby gets here it's only going to be harder.  So it's best to lighten up and just do the best you can.  

I hope you feel better soon!

[zakanunu]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this during the most crucial time of your pregnancy. Stress is not good for a pregnant woman, doesn't matter how far along you are.  If you weren't pregnant, I would have said cry! Crying makes me feel better and when I cry alone I feel even better!  But then again, I don't know if crying because of stress and emotional hurt is good during pregnancy.  I am so sorry to say but your in laws are inconsiderate if they leave you to do the cooking knowing that it makes you feel ill.  The only advice I have is try not to worry. I am sure your husband loves you and didn't mean all that awful things he has said.

Try to do things that make you happy. Exercise, take a couple of naps, read books, watch some happy movies and make sure you take all your vitamins.  Cook food that doesn't make you sick if you have to resort to cooking.  Your husband's reaction is terribly wrong, its funny how when its their family they are so quick to jump and lose their hairs.  The best way to make this a positive situation without telling you to take your stuff and go back to your parents is:  avoid arguments or avoid telling him how you feel especially where his family is concerned.  If there is something that makes you mad. Keep a little journal of your own and write to your heart's content.   If your husband makes a remark, ignore him or tell him that you prefer not to respond because you don't want to get into an argument.

I would like to share what I would do, if this was me, I would not cook, come hell of high waters they can all starve. I will just make sure, I eat something that doesn't make me sick.  Secondly, if my husband tells me I am not cultured enough, stuff him, I would tell him and his cultured a$$ where to get off.  Thirdly if he got all violent and told me I was a mistake, I would nicely pack my bags and leave. He would have to grovel for me to come back and it would be under my conditions. I will not put my pregnancy and my baby under stress. And before I left, I would tell my inlaws exactly what was going on between their son and me...

But like I said, that's just me. I don't want you to put any pressure or stress on yourself. Take it easy and get lots of rest.  If your inlaws go shopping - go with them, to avoid cooking. Or else stuff them.

Please take it easy.  Keep calm and talk to your baby, he/she is starting to feel your heartbeat and hear your voice. You dont' want to scare the little one.