Aa
His last name or mine?
I'm 5 mths pregnant and the father has been missing since I was 4 weeks pregnant! Prior to him leaving we had THE BEST friendship! I've seen him in passing but he has yet to speak to me. We did not have a issue prior to him not speaking to me for the last 4 months so my question is should I give this child his last name or not I feel that I should it's only right when it comes to the baby. some of my family members believe that I shouldn't because they feel that he hasn't been around and others feel if he comes around than I should consider it.... I need advice what do you think?
What about a double last name?
The baby should only have his name of he is involved. I think you'll regret it later if he's not. What about when you sign your little one up for school with a last name that has no relevance for the baby? It's only right if he earns it by his actions not words.
Sorry you're in this spot :(
Sorry you're in this spot :(
I would not give the baby his last name. I would, however, give my lawyer his full name so the lawyer can track him down for child support. If the daddy shapes up after paying child support and acts like a dad, I might consider giving the baby a double last name, but until then (because it does not frankly sound like you will ever get either child support or fatherly behavior from this guy) I would give the baby my own last name. You're the one who is going to have to take the kid to the hospital when he falls out of a tree and to sign him up for the first day of school. You don't want your last names to indicate that you are not his real mom.
Why do you "feel it's only right"? He's given you zero indication that he wants to be involved with child. I can't imagine why you're considering his last name. I wouldn't. Past friendship is all well and good but that doesn't make a father. First step of fatherhood is being present and he's not even speaking to you. Why would you choose his name? I'm sorry for the drama that you will be going through in the coming years. Please move on and find yourself a good man. Agree with AnnieB to get an attorney.
I vote for using your own last name. His time to step up and prove he's worthy of having his name carried on is NOW, not 6 months or six years from now! Not meaning to hurt your feelings, but he is little more than a sperm donor. Give your child your name, a name that will mean something coming from the one person who is there for him now and forever.
My sister is a legal aid and according to one of the lawyers she works with I mentioned to her that Legally if something was to happen to him fatally Mt child iisn't entitled to any benefit if he or she doesn't have his last name....
Your last name and actually the baby still wouldnt get anything the baby would only benefit if the dna is done and the baby is legally his cause a last name doesnt prove anything
IF something were to happen to the father, DNA would be needed to claim any benefits as you are not married- regardless of name.
What benefits do you think this guy would have for the child, Social Security? (Has the guy been working and getting Social Security taken out of his check?)
I agree with the others, without a DNA test, you can name the baby the guy's last name all you want and it will not be proof of paternity. If it were the case that just a last name determined paternity legally, why not name your child with the last name of Buffett or Gates or Rockefeller? I would also bet that the reverse is true, the baby could be named Santa Claus McGee but if the DNA test showed that the guy is the baby's father, the baby's claim would be no less strong to get benefits. For example, if you were married and had not taken your husband's last name, you would still be entitled to your widow's rights if he died, no matter what your name is, and so would your kids be entitled to rights in their father's estate.
It is possible that you would have automatic rights to benefits if the two of you were married that you would have to prove, with a DNA test, if you were not married. But the proof is in the DNA test, not the name.
Talk to your own lawyer on this. Every jurisdiction is different. But I would bet that your message from someone who talked to a lawyer is partly lost in translation. Just naming the baby the guy's last name does not give the baby any rights.
I agree with the others, without a DNA test, you can name the baby the guy's last name all you want and it will not be proof of paternity. If it were the case that just a last name determined paternity legally, why not name your child with the last name of Buffett or Gates or Rockefeller? I would also bet that the reverse is true, the baby could be named Santa Claus McGee but if the DNA test showed that the guy is the baby's father, the baby's claim would be no less strong to get benefits. For example, if you were married and had not taken your husband's last name, you would still be entitled to your widow's rights if he died, no matter what your name is, and so would your kids be entitled to rights in their father's estate.
It is possible that you would have automatic rights to benefits if the two of you were married that you would have to prove, with a DNA test, if you were not married. But the proof is in the DNA test, not the name.
Talk to your own lawyer on this. Every jurisdiction is different. But I would bet that your message from someone who talked to a lawyer is partly lost in translation. Just naming the baby the guy's last name does not give the baby any rights.
Are you in U.S.? Giving baby his name will not change the guy's attitude. Some people lack conscience. At the very least there is something very emotionally wrong with him if he doesn't want to be involved with you or his child. Plus the child will be reminded that he's not in the picture when they write his name. In this case your kid should be named with the family that wants him/her.
I'm aware that DNA has to be done and secondly he is very well off and lets just he's military affiliated.
Lovecake98 its a lot more to our relationship everyone has a back story how ever I wish not to share all of that I just wanted to hear some one else's input but I thank you for the info
Hellllll no girl ,use ya own,show his *** u dnt need his butt to be there and that u can make decisions yaself as a mother....trust me i kno wat u goin through...went through dat wit my duaghters father and dat ***** still aint *** back .....so i say starting filing for ya own child ,since he starting to act like a nutt,....now its about ya child its not even about hym,u gotta do wat u feel is right,....look at it like ya name is just as much as precious to hym then his own name.....lol just being honest
Give the child your last name if you're not together. I have 2 girls with the same man. One had his last name, the other mine. Long story short, we got divorced then had baby #2.
You mentioned he's affiliated with the military? Go to your nearest military installation n talk with legal or a jag officer. They will be able to help you with getting child support. If you have questions regarding military, you may send me a message.
You mentioned he's affiliated with the military? Go to your nearest military installation n talk with legal or a jag officer. They will be able to help you with getting child support. If you have questions regarding military, you may send me a message.
I am seeing this in a school where I volunteer. A kid is named the last name of a man that by now has been out of his life for a long time. The woman does not have the money to file for a legal name change. Yet she is the sole parent. She is frustrated that the school won't just call the kid by her last name at roll call, and in his records, but they can't, because his legal name is his (deadbeat) dad's. I feel for the mother, she has done all the work all these years, and has to deal with people thinking he is not her child.
Coming from someone who's been in ur position, do NOT give ur baby which U will more than likely get full credit of raising and teaching baby everything he/she knows the father who has been MIAs last name. I made that mistake and I wholeheartedly REGRET it!! Sure I can change my son's last name, but it's costs $$$ just to file a petition for it which right now I can't afford. I've already discussed changing my son's last name and he is well aware that one day he will no longer carry his biological fathers last name and he's okay with that. It's best to give UR baby UR name!!! TRUST me!!! You won't regret it cuz u'll always be there for ur kid, not like the deadbeat sperm donor who wants nothing to do with baby..
I absolutely think you should give the baby your last name. You will always be in your child's life, and for the father.. who knows.
If you have regrets about your choice, it's difficult, confusing to the kid, and expensive to change it.
If the child has the last name of someone who is absent, they may feel funny about it. Who knows but I vote for your last name. Best of luck
If you have regrets about your choice, it's difficult, confusing to the kid, and expensive to change it.
If the child has the last name of someone who is absent, they may feel funny about it. Who knows but I vote for your last name. Best of luck
It is not a man's right to have their children named after him. Making a baby takes two. It should be equal. If he doesn't take part in the pregnancy, then I would give the baby your name. If he comes around and pays child support, then maybe think about it then. But, it seems as though you will be the sole caretaker for your baby for at least the beginning.
I don't think you should give your child his last name. What if this man is never involved with your child, your child should have a surname he feels a connection with and you know for sure he will have that with you, therefore the baby should carry your last name. As long you can still petition for child support if your child dies not carry the father's surnane, at least in most states. I wish you all the best, hun
Per my above post. Meant, you can still petition for child support, even if your child does not carry the father's surname.
I would have to agree with naming his last name if the father is involved....seems fair....how many weeks are you now...I hope that things change for you guys and for the babies sake before you deliver...good luck and I'm sure whatever you choose will be in the best interest of your baby :)
Hey well I see theres alot of comment and personal opinions inno from personal experience how it feels to be pregnant with out babys fathers support. Honestly from the bottom of my heart I regret giving her dads last name. Shes almost four and doesnt know who her dads name is or how he looks. He doesnt make an effort to step up. If its like that for your pregnancy most likely ismt mam enough to father. Its not our responsiblity to make sure they know who there father is its theirs!!!!. Some men are just selfish. Follow your heart
Missjune, when you said "I feel it's only right," and "its a lot more to our relationship everyone has a back story" it sounds like what you are saying is that you feel it would be only right for this guy, with whom you had a friendship before, to step up and want to be the dad. It would be great if he did, nobody is disagreeing with you. But though you were his friend before, he clearly is showing he does not want to be a dad. He is displaying in every way possible that he does not want this to be happening. He isn't speaking to you, he isn't acting concerned, let alone friendly. You are wanting him to honor the past friendship, but he feels like you changed all the parameters without his agreement, and he doesn't like it.
You can't shame a guy into wanting to be a dad if he doesn't, by giving the baby his name. You can't get legal rights to him for the baby unless you do so by DNA test, and unless the military has some peculiar rules requiring the baby have the dad's last name in order to get benefits, the baby's name does not matter if the DNA test proves paternity. If you are hoping to honor your past friendship by giving the baby the dad's last name, please keep in mind that the friendship is gone -- he is ignoring you totally, and you don't deserve that, frankly it is insulting. He should earn the right to have a child named after him, not have it thrown at him in an attempt to prove your friendship.
Please listen to the ladies here who have been in this position, it is very frustrating to the woman to have a child whose name is not hers when she is the one who has raised him. It is confusing to the child, and sad for him or her to have a continual reminder that some guy named such-and-such is his dad and not around. It's costly to change the name later (not to mention, again, confusing for the child). If your old friend were to reappear later and actually act like an old friend (don't hold your breath), you could revisit the naming if he insists. But you two aren't on a path that suggests this is going to happen.
The woman who suggested you go to the JAG's office and ask them the requirements for getting a child listed as the survivor of someone in the military was very smart. I'm sure you wouldn't be charged for that, and the JAG office will know all the rules if it is this guy's military benefits you are most concerned about (versus garden-variety Social Security or other benefits). I assume the DNA test will be enough, but the military does have its own rules, so you need to know. You also need to begin the process of child support pretty soon if you intend to file for it.
I understand that you want him to be your friend the way he was before, but I'm sorry, sweetheart, an important factor has changed, and that is that you are pregnant. Guys often like or even love a woman but do not want to be a father, and cut off the woman once that occurs. You can't make him like your choice to keep the baby. But you do get a wonderful child to love. In that, you're the lucky one.
You can't shame a guy into wanting to be a dad if he doesn't, by giving the baby his name. You can't get legal rights to him for the baby unless you do so by DNA test, and unless the military has some peculiar rules requiring the baby have the dad's last name in order to get benefits, the baby's name does not matter if the DNA test proves paternity. If you are hoping to honor your past friendship by giving the baby the dad's last name, please keep in mind that the friendship is gone -- he is ignoring you totally, and you don't deserve that, frankly it is insulting. He should earn the right to have a child named after him, not have it thrown at him in an attempt to prove your friendship.
Please listen to the ladies here who have been in this position, it is very frustrating to the woman to have a child whose name is not hers when she is the one who has raised him. It is confusing to the child, and sad for him or her to have a continual reminder that some guy named such-and-such is his dad and not around. It's costly to change the name later (not to mention, again, confusing for the child). If your old friend were to reappear later and actually act like an old friend (don't hold your breath), you could revisit the naming if he insists. But you two aren't on a path that suggests this is going to happen.
The woman who suggested you go to the JAG's office and ask them the requirements for getting a child listed as the survivor of someone in the military was very smart. I'm sure you wouldn't be charged for that, and the JAG office will know all the rules if it is this guy's military benefits you are most concerned about (versus garden-variety Social Security or other benefits). I assume the DNA test will be enough, but the military does have its own rules, so you need to know. You also need to begin the process of child support pretty soon if you intend to file for it.
I understand that you want him to be your friend the way he was before, but I'm sorry, sweetheart, an important factor has changed, and that is that you are pregnant. Guys often like or even love a woman but do not want to be a father, and cut off the woman once that occurs. You can't make him like your choice to keep the baby. But you do get a wonderful child to love. In that, you're the lucky one.
I also truely regret giving my son his father's last name. It always makes me sad
You are reading content posted in the Pregnancy: Social Community
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.
