MAJOR problem

[smjmekg]

So I went to check my mail and found shortly after entering that I was in my husband's account (yahoo)...Noticed a title called the daily mag while I was in it (not snooping at all *wink*)...clicked on it and it was PORN!!! I've been in his account before when I was being my paranoid self, and this is DEFINITELY new and it's a daily subscription, free of course, for pictures of anything and everything you could think of. I clicked the unsubscribe, and remove me buttons and it said thank you for opting out. I'm about to see if I have the correct password to his yahoo and will be checking up on this....but what should I do about it??? Just tell him maybe that was the first thing in his inbox and say I thought it was my mail and ask him what the H#LL he's doing looking at it? We've had numerous discussions over it, he knows how I feel about it, and said he wouldn't look at it...ever unless he was deployed. I have a HUGE problem with porn, I don't believe people in a loving caring relationship should look at it so PLEASE no responses along the lines of "it's natural/get over it"...I made it clear to him I do not like it, didn't make a huge deal out of it while he was in Korea without me, but told him I didn't like it and he said "he wouldn't watch it" I knew he would while I wasn't here, but now that we've been back together (I live in Korea with him) for more than a year I expect him to come to me for anything sexual...NOT to look at porn...should I keep an eye on it and bring it up later if I see something again??? I know it would cause a fight, but I can/will NOT compete with porn.

[smjmekg]

I definitely did not read EVERY word of the latest posts, but have read enough. I wanted to point out one vital thing, and I am done with this thread. If I need any other advice I will go to those who I choose. The only thing I have to say is that men do NOT "have to look at something" when they masturbate, it is NOT in their DNA to "need to watch sex". Look back 100 years ago...200 years ago...1000 years ago. What were they "looking at"? The only reason, IMO, that people even say it's "normal" is because society has become more accepting of it, well, some people at least. Just like teenage pregnancy. When I was in high school, there wasn't condoms in the clinic being handed out. I did graduate with 2 pregnant girls...and that's out of 400+ people, only 2, and that was only 6 years ago. When I was a child you it wasn't ok to have sex before you were married, it was looked down upon to be pregnant out of wedlock, and I'm only 24 that was a whole 10-15+ years ago...I'm not trying to offend anyone who was in that scenario...but I think you get my point. As it happens more society becomes more accepting. I'm sorry if you think I'm stuck in the stone age, but I have my own working brain and am entitled to my opinion. Just because some of you don't agree with me doesn't make you or me right or wrong. Some people are ok with smoking marijuana, I'm not, does that make me wrong? NO! Thank you to those who did respond kindly, and oh well to those who didn't. I'm not going to hold a grudge or stop myself from answering one of your questions.

[jrobertson20]

I am going to start out by saying I would be really pissed off because I too HATE porn.  If you keep finding these things it hurts your overall trust.  It makes you think if he lies about little things like this what else is there.  When I first started dating my husband people spread nasty rumors (we were teenagers and that is what they do).  I was so upset.  Then he started telling me little lies about stupid, stupid, stupid things that honestly I don't even remember anymore.  That made me not trust him because he couldn't even tell me the truth to little meaningless things.  We have now been together for 10 years and both did a lot of growing up in that time.  There was a breaking point where we would just argue and fight all the time partly because of my trust issues and partly because he didn't understand why I was so upset about the little lies.  Over the past few years I have worked on my trust issues and totally and completly 100% trust my husband and we both have respect for each other.  Our relationship now is wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing.  He is my best friend who I can tell anything and that also works the other way around.  I think that if you started this relationship out and he knew your feelings on this he should RESPECT them.  I think that is a word some people are forgetting.  RESPECT.  He is not doing that with your feelings and hiding things from you.  You sat down on your computer and it was there.  Some people think it is not right for you to look in his email account but you know what I don't think there is anything wrong with it.  My husband and I share all accounts because we have nothing to hide.  There should be no secrets when you are married.  So I think you should talk to him and let him know that you found this and how you feel.  Don't change passwords and don't keep spying because that gives him something against you.  But when you sit down and talk to him let him know how it makes YOU feel when he does these things.  I have found by starting conversations out about how things make me feel instead of accusing and yelling the outcome is usually better.  I hope this helps.  Good luck and may you have a long and healthy marriage.    

[JadedSweetheart]

I actually went through this with my ex-husband.  Unfortunately, it's part of the reason we're now ex's. ( I'm sure there are a lot of you who think that's absurd, but we were youth group leaders and part of a church where his family was the leadership and I was a very good Chrisitan.)  Porn is still unacceptable in my relationship and I told my current husband so on our first date.  

Smjmekg, I know how digrading it feels that your husband turns to porn instead of you.  I looked at the pictures of you and I want you to know that you are a beautiful girl, (even at 8 months pregnant) and it's not you.  It's sex addiction, or porn addiction if you want to call it that.  If you google sex addiction, you will find a lot of info, and it will actually give you a lot of understanding about why he feels the need to look at porn when you are right there.  My ex was going big-breast websites and I have always been a DD when not pregnant and busting out when pregnant.  

I think you should tell him how you stumbled across the porn, and how it led you to do the search.  I think the best approach is to be honest and open.  Treat him with the level of respect that you want to be treated.  If he doesn't treat you with that same level of respect and openness, then maybe he will talk about the porn in counseling.  

Looking at porn isn't always something guys can just stop doing.  You may need to go to counseling with him to help him learn ways to get over it.  I tried the counseling with my ex, but at that point it was too late.  

I wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you.  You are a beautiful woman and better than a picture!

Bree

[jade_21]

I understand were you are coming from, because I had the same issue with my husband.  I knew he looked at porn when we met and figured he would grow out of it (or at least not look at it as often.) When we got married and moved in together, I would frequently find tons of adult sites in the internet history.  I ignored it at first figuring men will be men.  When it kept continuing, I mentioned something to him.  I have no problem with him looking at the stuff occassionally - he is only human, however, it seemed to be an addiction.  I explained that I didn't feel threatened by these woman, but I felt that he should be the only woman he should be interested in looking at since we were married.  He said this was just something he did as a teenager and doesn't think anything of it.  I told him I have no problem enjoying it as a couple or if he looks at it every so often, but I felt a little offended that he was looking at it so often.  Time went on and I didn't see anything on the computer for awhile.  Then in the history once again I would find adult websites.  I talked to him again.  Same thing, I'll stop if it bothers you.  It didn't stop.  Finally I told him, I was changing the password on the computer, so he could not access the adult sites.  I felt like a controlling wife for doing so, but honestly I don't think he had the control to stop himself.  I know he still looks at the stuff occassionally - I have seen it on his Ipod.  I guess that so much doesn't bother me.  It was the constant looking at the stuff that bothered me.  I understand he is his own person and he should be allowed to do what he wants.  However, we are also married.  If I was doing something that bothered him, I would respect him enough to stop whatever it was I was doing if it bothered him that much.  I wouldn't have a problem with him reading my email or going through my stuff either - I have nothing to hide nor should he.  

[rebekah385]

I think that maybe instead of going into the conversation telling him why you don't want him watching porn and how it needs to stop and that you have had this conversation before,  maybe you should first ask him why he thinks he needs to look at porn and what it is he get's out of watching porn (does he just like the visual effect, does he like they way they look better, did he just get used to while you were away, ect) porn can be an addiction for a lot of people, maybe he got so, used to watching it while you were away that he is having trouble stopping now that you are home and he knows you don't like it and are paranoid at times. this does not give him and excuse to lie, there is no excuse for lying in a relationship. however I do think that it is worth talking to him about why he thinks it is important and why he fells a continuing need to watch it. I myself am ok with my husband watching porn, because i know that he wants me! it would bother me if he watched it all the time or went behind my back, or did'nt want to have sex as much (which you have said your husband does'nt, that would be a concern for me). I do think that it is wrong to go through private e-mails (although I understand that you came accrossed it partly my accident, and it that case I would confront him about it) if you have a loving, trusting, healthy relationship there should be no need to check upon each other. my husband and I have seperate e-mail account and we usually leave ourselves signed on and i have gone to check my e-mail before and his account has been open, i simply close it and move on. I too have some trust issues, not from previous relationships, but from my childhood watching my dad continously cheat on my mom, then make her ok with and then do it all over again. I do not trust men in general, however when i decided to get married I decided to to trust my husband completely, because if you don't have trust your relationship is not going to last or atleast be as strong as if you did.

also on a seperate note, I do not agree with blaming the internet the porn sites do not force you to watch them. they maybe more readily available, but people have been watching porn or reading pron since way before the internet!

Good luck and I hope things work out between you and your husband!

[mami1323]

I don't think that men who are married or are in a relationship look at the girls they are watching and comparing them to their spouses or SO's.  I think they just like to watch sex.  I think some women take it too personally and that's because it is our issues we have with ourselves and our self esteem.  But again, this is just my opinion and mine alone.