not pregnancy related but I need help.

[kyskrew]

My husband and I just recently gained custody of his 14 ry old son. Who needs a lot of help. He had no structure at his moms house and was placed with us due to neglect and deplorable living conditions.  With that being said. We are struggling with hygiene with him. He will lie about taking showers, putting deodorant on and brushing his teeth.  I have received emails from his teachers expressing their concerns about his hygiene and remarks being made by his classmates. My husband isn't home alot due to his job which has him travel alot. So it leaves these talks to me. Would it be harsh if I started taking his time away on the Xbox and computer, until he starts taking care of his personal hygiene?

[RockRose]

In children of neglect,  sometimes not bathing is a way of basically shooting the finger at everyone else.  I agree it can also be just lazyness or depression - but be aware that he may want to get the first "strike" on rejecting people as possible friends by stinking,  and thus saving himself the pain of thinking he was rejected for his basic personality.  

Is he in therapy?  I think this is probably his way of lashing out,  not the typical early teen boy lack of social savvy.

I think maybe rewards might be better than punishments.  If he keeps up his hygeine,  routinely,  he gets something.  Guitar lessons?  Trips to the skateboard park?  Ability to set his own bedtime?  Whatever floats his boat.

Also,  might he respond to going to a store to choose his own specialty shampoo,  men's body wash,  axe deodorant,  etc?

[joamb]

I think you need to be straight and matter of fact with him, that personal hygiene is important in life not only for professional success but socially and explain that this is to help him in life, make friends, fit in etc. I would also give him a warning and say if he does do these things you will need to start having consequences as in no TV or X BOX.  I know it can be harsh to be so upfront and Frank but in the long run its doing him a favor.

[Shohna]

My mum used to bath us kids once a week on a sunday..and never told us to wash daily as teenagers..its something im angry about as i was oblivious to the fact we needed to wash more regularly...now my daughter is bathed every night..im very strict about her brushing her teeth etc..its sad ur stepson hasnt had this growing up..n i think boys are less bothered than girls..but he will be grateful for it when hes older..good luck :)

[oldnana1960]

What you want to do is just like any mum would do with her own kids. But be aware lack of motivation for personal cares can be due to:
  1. Lazyness
  2. A developing depression

Yor stepson has been living in an unhealthy environment prior to coming to you. He may have wanted to change and not know how. Or it was a symptom of how he was feeling. Now a HUGE change has happened in his life. He will need help..both gentle and tough love...to make it work. You might need to consider professional help from the school counselor or doctors/psychologist /adolescent mental health. Dont let it go too long before asking for help. I have been in your situation. Good luck and make time for yourself as you do this.  You need to stay healthy in order to help him.

[ljrolls]

I don't think it's harsh. At his sge he should kmow why being clean is good for him, but just remind him why he should and that he won't get his X box (or whatever get taken) til there is done improvement

[Mimilove3]

Of course not.I dont find that harsh. Maybe you can tell him how hygiene can help his social life with friends and classmates u know. Tell hiM to try it one week just for him to see how being picked on will stop..(if he does) good luck

[angustia]

Now you and you husband are responsible for him and you need to treat him as your own. He needs responsibilities and needs to take care of his body if not then he doesn't deserve nintendo or computer. You need to teach him that now he is in a loving family but there are also rules and responsibilities. And you should do that from day 1

[janellemassy]

Not at all. hygine is important. Not only does being clean make u look better it will make u feel better. This should be taken seriously and if the only way to make him understand is to take away his "toys" so be it. It helps show him u care as well.

[JakobLouisPonceMomma]

I don't think it would be. Those are things that you have to earn, so he needs to understand that.