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730826 tn?1317943334

I want a baby so bad but hunny wants to wait :(

I really want a baby but my hunny wants to wait. I dont necesarily want to try, i just want to not prevent it. I want to be a mommy, and feel like my sister is closer to my mom because she became a mommy (when she was 4 years younger than I am now) and I really want to have a child so I can have a part of my hubby when hes not around. Ive seem many close friends and family have kids and it makes me want to have that. It really hurts that my hunny wants to wait so while hes gone I sit here alone, just me.
15 Responses
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731541 tn?1233494603
me and my husband are also in the army and i understand about moving, and being all discombobulated about children and ect.. if he wants to wait till you get married its prolly a good idea, u have to think about all he has to go through with his job, if he is married he will beable to take care of you and the baby better with bah (basic allowance housing) that gives him money for you and the baby extra money that trust me will help a wholeeeeee lot,  and full medical care with you and the child so everything can be taken care of, you need to give him the time he needs though and be careful im not trfying to scare you but men in the army get along really well with the women in the army, and if you think the men dont find ::any:: down range then your mistaken, i dont know about your relationship but this might be another reason he may want to wait, but if yo force it on him then he may resent you or the child, i know your anxious but trust me once ya'll are married it will be so much easier, sabitauging bc is not a good idea especially if he finds out, i think you just miss him so much and believe if you have his child he will love you more and you will be more connected to him, dont be selfish a child is something you share not something you use as a tool for your loneliness, if you ever need to talk you can message me on here or i can give you another email if you'd like,  know your stubborn just like i am haha so dont take anything i say as a direct insult or stab towards you as a person, but you need to realize it from his point of view and i think i can help with me and my husband both being dual military,
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
lucey12- I know how you are feeling, I wanted to start trying a year before my husband, he just wasnt ready. Period. It was very hard for me, everyone around me was having babies and it s u c ked. Then one day out of the blue ( I had stopped nagging him after 6 months) he said ok I am ready......it was amazing. He didnt know why he felt ready but I think he just needed his own time to think things though without me nagging him about the topic all the time, and truth be told I did alot of nagging.  Now that we are expecting it feels so right, I cant imagine it happening any sooner. We were both 100% ready and now we are both 100% excited and loving every minute of my pregnancy.
I can tell you I had friends suggest I just get pregnant without him knowing......that would be a horrible thing to do, I can say he would have always wondered if it was on purpose and in marriage you have to be able to trust one another espcially with something as big as having a baby. I am sooooooo glad I didnt do anything stupid, and yes I will admit I thought about it. that is how badly I wanted a baby. but in the end I knew that just wasnt right. and now we are happily expecting a little girl together.

ps. we were married for 5 yrs before trying ( i was 20 and he was 24 when we got married) and I highly recommend enjoying your marriage and havign time just the two of you before going on the baby journey, not saying 5 yrs but I know we are better off having had time just the two of us.
Helpful - 0
218701 tn?1248226255
Well I'm really sorry if I misinterpreted "am jsut slightly worried he is going to change his mind about wanting them or wanting me." That statement led me to believe something about his overview or attitude made you feel as though 1. he isn't sure he wants children and 2. he's not sure about your relationship. The other posters obviously picked up on that vibe as well. My post was not meant to bash you at all...I guess only you're able to analyze the ENTIRE situation, it's just that a lot of what you wrote (yes, I read it all) is enough to make an outsider think that a lot about your situation is very much up in the air. Note the difference between the way you described your relationship and Mumita's description of hers. Even a person who feels 100% secure in their relationship and in their finances thinks about everything that is involved with bringing another life into the world...it's not done just for companionship and definitely shouldn't be forced upon someone who isn't ready. I do hope that your wish to become a mother becomes a reality soon and that everything works out for the best. Again, I apologize if you thought there was any amount of ill-will behind my message, there wasn't. But you did ask for opinions and that was mine.
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730826 tn?1317943334
Alright, I dont know if you actually read everything I wrote but my fiance does want kids, but he wants to wait till we are married first and are more settled in our own place. There is nothing "up in the air" abotu our relationship. And HE was the one who told ME that he wanted kids before he went to war. I just agree with it. I know that kids come first, if you missed that I was saying that Im not going to change my entire life by sitting around because , say for example, they need a nap so everyone has to be silent, and nap time is at exactly 1pm. NOO they can sleep with noise around I have many nieces and babysit alot, im not a teenager here, I know how to take care of kids and I know you will drive yourself stupid if you have everything planned out to specific times and exact routines. IM NOT SAYING...... Im goign to have kids or sabotage the BC so we will have kids even knowing he doesn want them, all I ment by starting this was that, everyone is having babies and I envy that, and hope that soon after marriage, I too will be carrying my own bundle of joy, thats all.
Helpful - 0
218701 tn?1248226255
Oh one more thing...regarding the following comment: "I'm also not going to be one of those parents who change their life completely for the child." I don't think you understand how life-altering having a child can be. I'm only 23 weeks pregnant with my first child and my mindset has already changed drastically...I know that I would give anything and change anything within my reach for my child.
Helpful - 0
218701 tn?1248226255
I can definitely see how wanting a child and your fiance not being ready is creating heartache for you...but, I think the BIG picture right NOW is that your fiance just isn't ready. If he's uncertain that he ever wants to have children, and you're certain that you do, it sounds like your entire relationship is up in the air. I do understand that if something happened to your fiance, you'd want something that linked you to him but think about it, would you want it to be something that he wasn't ready for? What about your love for each other? I know that if my husband and I didn't have any children and he passed away, my reaction wouldn't be to wish I'd had his child...rather, I would be devastated that I'd lost the love of my life. Not only that, I'm not really sure how your fiance would feel if you explained to him that that's the reason you want a child...in case he dies! That would scare the **** out of most people I know. That may even push him further away from trying to have children. I feel for you, I really do. I just think that the major reason you're looking to have a child is because of some pretty HUGE insecurities and that's just not the way to go. Give it time, talk it over with your fiance, and hopefully the two of you will come to a decision that you can both agree on. I wish you the best of luck. Take care.
Helpful - 0
730826 tn?1317943334
Thanks you JoyRenee It helps for someone to see where im coming from.
Mumita, I do see that we shoudl have time just the two of us, and do all those things now while we are free. I'm also not going to be one of those parents who change their life completely for the child. Just becasue you have a child doesnt mean you cant trravel or anything like that. Or the little things like running errors, but oh the babys napping, no the baby can nap in teh stroller while I shop. Im also not saying its a piece of cake, I did take care of my niece almost all day till she was 5 and she lived with me. I do realize what you are saying. Dispite of that, i still want one, but I can wait.
Helpful - 0
461781 tn?1285609481
At the begining of our relationship before I was married, I certainly wasn't ready to have a baby by my then Fiancee regardless how much I loved him.  We had a long distance relationship for almost 2 years where we'd only communicate by phone or email. I know what you are saying about him havign a dangerous job, but regardles whether my husband has a dangerous job or not he could die at any time, he could leave me at any time.  But that's not the point.  I truly belive that you have to spend some time getting to know your partner, enjoying your relationship and have some hopes and goals for the future and work together towards them so you learn how to deal with each other before you jump into having kids.

I just don't see how a child would make you remember your husband when he isn't there to help you raise this child.  Wouldn't that make you miss him  or need him even more?
I don't know the thought about raising a child alone is terrifying for me.
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Avatar universal
I actually see what you mean Lucey. I know that deep inside if my husband had a dangerous job where he could die that I'd want a child with him. I just would. I don't think that that is immature. It's a natural feeling of wanting a connection to him.

All of that aside- I think it is reasonable he wants to wait until you are married and it's only a few months away. And I also understand how hard it is to see everyone around you pregnant and seemingly happy. It's a dream and you ache for it to come true for you.

Hang in there! One day you will be pregnant and have your own sweet baby to raise. I was pregnant when I got married and I wish we would have waited. I do NOT regret my daughter whatsoever. I would still want HER, but just later down the road. The reason being is that we were never really alone in our marriage. We didn't get to sleep in and go out whenever we wanted or travel. Our lives completely revolve around our children.

It's a complicated feeling to want a baby and know there are good reasons to wait. You just never know what tomorrow will bring or where you'll be at in a year. Good luck!
Helpful - 0
730826 tn?1317943334
Those arnt the reasons actually. I dont know if your husband has a dangerous job but if he did, wouldnt you want to have child to remember him by? Even if heaven forbid, somehting happened and he died, If you ddint have kids with him, wouldnt you kind wish you did so you had SOMETHING other than the big hole in your heart to remember him by?
Helpful - 0
461781 tn?1285609481
It sounds to me like you want to have a baby to keep him or for him to come back to you when he's done in Afghanistan.  Or you want a reason to wait for him all this time that he's gone.
Honey- those are not the reasons to have a baby, I think that you both need to mature and grow in your relationship and know if he's the one for you and you are the one for him before jumping into such an important responsability like having a child.  Having a baby does not define who you are or what your worth is.
I grew up without a parent being in the house and yes, children do survive but they grow up with a missing piece of them, and it's HARD.
Go to school, get a good job, settle yourself as an adult and if your relationship matures and becomes a marriage then work on your marriage and once your relationship is stable then have kids.

I trust my husband 100% and I have waited 6 1/2 years being married to have my first baby and I knew all this time that he will be there always and that he'll support me through any situation and that I'm the one for him and he's the one for me. I have NO doubts.  But I've had to wait until our life is more stable.  And STILL I'm freaking out about $$ and childcare but I know that we'll do anything it takes to give this baby the best of us.

Think about it.
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730826 tn?1317943334
We really do ahve the big picture mapped out. The only difference between that and what is actually happening is he want to take every precaution not to have kids yet, but before it was like yeah, we'll use protection but if it happens whatever. I talked to him about it last night adn he isnt sure whe he wants kids and ive been tryong to convince him to after we are married and he said, its hard to know what he wants becasue he really wants me to be happy adn with being so far away he is slipping into, "whatever you want hunny". (if that makes any sence.) I guess everything is planned to our best ability with beign an army family (subject so LOTS of change) the only thing that isnt 100% is the baby thing,  but i woudl like to start a career first as im just working, dont really have a job i want for life like he does. With his income, I can afford to eb a stay at home mom, but i would like to bring in some income somehow. At this moment it doesnt matter what I want because I cant even see my hunny for a couple more months. I guess I just dont liek beign alone so I want a kid to direct my energy and attention to when hes gone. My mom says we shoudlnt have kids till after hunny derest is done all his tours in afghanistan. I want to ahve them before (and hunny does too) just in case he doesnt come back. Mom says its mean to the child if it has to grow up without a father but i know many people (my sister included) that has rasied children with no daddy. I want to have a family with him and this is his life, I dont want to wait till hes done in afghan cuz to me thats like waiting for tehre to be no such thing as death in general. Anyone can die at anytime. Car crashes, cancer, otehr diseases....the list goes on.
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435139 tn?1255460391
I know a lot of people might disagree, but I think marriage is a must before you start having babies.  I also think that you two need to spend some time together alone, as a married couple to enjoy just the two of you and adjust to all the new things in your life such as that big move!  If you are worried that he'll change his mind about babies or you, it sounds like you might not be quite ready in your relationship for this.  You should not have any doubt that he is ready and committed.  He has to love you more than just deep down, he has to love you on the surface level as well.  You don't want to be bringing a pregnancy and a baby into a relationship that has questions.  I know this isn't what you wanted to hear probably.  Also, you say you are pretty young?  I'm not sure what you mean by pretty young, but just keep a few things in mind...are you financially prepared for a baby?  What do you plan on doing for child care? Do you have a stable job that could provide benefits and enough pay in case you did become a single mom?  Do you have stable living arrangements? Do you own a home?  What are you and your fiance's life goals...what does the big picture look like?  Before my husband and I had kids, and even before we got married, we had a very clear life plan that outlined the things that were important to us...good educations, good jobs, home ownership, children...And we worked at these together as a team to create a solid foundation for our last goal-children.  
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730826 tn?1317943334
He said he has so much going on now (as we are moving across the country with the army) and he wants to be older. I have to say we are pretty young and have been together for jsut over 2 years. He said after we get married we'll see. (we are getting married in the summer. I mean I see that he want sot wait till after were married but I really want one and am jsut slightly worried he is going to change his mind about wanting them or wanting me. I know deep down he loves me and akll but Im a worrier so I always think its something else.
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435139 tn?1255460391
Is there a reason he wants to wait?  I guess since we don't know your history and situation, its hard for us to help you out...Hang in there!
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