285896 tn?1237211227

No SEX while pregnant...and no SEX now that I'm not! Ladies I need you.

1st off let me just say that this is a very embarrassing topic for me.  I've been holding this frustration in for too long and if I dont vent I'm going to explode:
Lord knows I love my mother and Id tell her anything under the sun..but lets be honest do you really feel comfortable talking to your mom about your sex life with your husband.  Ive tried to bring it up to her but I change my mind at the last minute.  Its hard talking to my cousins and my friends about it b/c I dont want to embarrass him nor do I really want them in our business like that.

Chancellor was a planned pregnancy.  We bought the ovulation kit waited for it to peak and got pregnant on the 1st try.  After the 1st OB apptmnt doc told hubby that sex is ok as long as there are no complications. We got pregnant Sept 24th 2007 (remember it like it was yesterday).  Both of our bdays are n Oct. we made love then....after that things STOPPED.  Not slowed down, but stopped.  He was so worried about the pregnancy that I just gave up and went the rest of the 8mnths cold turkey.  
In all that time I thought about the course of our relationship and courtship.  We stayed friends a long time before I even looked at him as someone who I could be interested in.  When we did began to date we had a wonderful friendship and longing for eachother.  You ladies probably wont believe me when I say this, but the 1st time I made love to my husband we were engaged and I had a ring on my finger.  I just thought I had one of the last nice guys left in the world, and he could lay in the same bed with me and not lay a hand on me and Id feel safe.
A bit of personal information on myself: when my husband met me I was an exotic dancer (no shame in that by the way) he'd come to my job to see me all the time but I NEVER danced for him. He was always that 1 customer who wanted to talk so I grew to have respect for him.
By the time we were engaged going through our pre-marital counseling the pastor asked us to not make sex part of our immediate lives and thrive off the things that made us decide to get married from the get go.  Needless to say the 8mnths we spent planning the wedding were sex FREE.  This was harder for me then it was for him...yet I never put the pieces together. I should have saw the signs then.
After Chance was born in June 08 tubes were tied in July...hell a week later I was ready to get the bedroom popping.  Sh*t it had been long enough and at this point I NEEDED my husband.  Ladies he couldnt perform.  Now I'm thinking its me.  I feel rejected and hurt and I was blaming me thinking it was the 13lbs that stuck around after the baby came and now he must not be attracted to me anymore.  Truth is im still in a size 11 in the JUNIORS section.
Now the baby is 9mnths old and nothing has happened.  Ive tried every FREAKY trick in the book and nothing!  Ive even pulled out my old dancer bag threw on some customs, lit some candles, got baby-oiled up, put my thigh-hi boots on...hell I looked so good I wanted to touch myself (SMILE)...still he didnt.
So I asked, baby; do you need to visit the doctor.  He embarrassingly said yes.  OK, girls I didnt make a big deal out of it b/c these things happen.  He's 40 its time for his prostate to be checked, maybe his blood pressure is high.  I'm making several excuses for him so I dont feel so terrible.
Long story short.  Ive made 3 apptmnts for him and he's neglected to go to all of them.  Now its no longer an option, he has to go or he has to move out.  Theres a 10yr age difference in us Im 29 he's 39.  I dont know whats happening to us.
Ive started communicating with my ex (dont jump my sh*t ladies, I know I'm wrong) and this is a man who I have deep feelings for and an even deeper attraction to.  The thought has crossed my mind to spend 1NIGHT with this man just so I can have AMY taken care of.  I cant do it tho!  I love my husband I just think right now he's being a selfish a**hole and he's pushing me into a corner thats going to hurt our marriage, and we may not be able to recover.
Ladies Ive screamed at him, cried WITH him, begged him, talked to him...how do I get my man to see that his pride is about to push me right out the door??  Even been to the "grown-up" store to get some special needs items but its not the same as having your man show you what you mean to him.  To tell you guys the truth it hurts!  I'm crying as I'm typing this b/c in my lap lay my cellphone with a text message from the EX saying "he'll never know."

Has any1 been here before?
How do I save my marraige without compromising my womanhood?

Trying hard to be that "Praying Wife", while temptation haunts me!
Sorry its sooo long!
35 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
400885 tn?1297698918
I would try to work things out with your husband and definatly cut off your ex. Seeing as he went to the doctors with you to get help was the first step. I believe he cares for you and yes maybe he was embarrassed because of his problem.

I wish you and your husband all the best of luck.
Helpful - 0
461781 tn?1285609481
Heheheh! Prayerful that would be hillarious doing it in tha parking lot in the subdivision, its like being 16 all over again.
But then again, eventhough doing it in odd places sounds fun and all and naughty, there's a time for nauthy and then there's just plain sex just for the fun of it and it doesn't matter if you are doing it in the laundryroom or you are doing it in bed, he needs help because it should be fun anyway.
When me and my husband were ttc we called it "making baby sex" which to be honest, wasn't a big production it was just sex.  There's also Sunday morning sex when you just roll over and get into it without barely opening your eyes from your sleep.  Then there's the good stuff which is Vacation sex...that's where you do it everywhere and chase each other around and make a big production.  My point is it doesn't matter what kind of sex you are having, you are being intimate with your spouse and that's all that matters.  He should be able to get a hard-on regardless, it should be fun and for pure pleasure regardless.  So I think it could  be mental rather than physical problem.
I would be pissed off if I'd have to get all dolled up or have to do a little dance every single time we're just going to get it on.  That's the fun of a quickie, pants off and you do it, 3 mins you're done and you both had a great time. :)  
You may both want to go to couples counseling, it may help...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was going to comment until i kept reading and reading all the post, Im speechless:|     I will keep you and your family in my prayers that everything works out for the best.
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
Mumita....girl you are nuts!

He said it "popped right up" b/c we were in a strange place and it felt like we were doing something dirty and about to get caught at any moment.  I'm learning something new about this man, and I think he needs spice and variety.  Although we switch it up in the bdrm I think he needs some xtra thrills.  I think he's learning that about himself as well.
When I was dancing at the club and he was able to see me on stage making money we came home and never had a problem.  But just rolling over in the middle of the night I dont think does anything for him.
I'm glad that we had this experience together today b/c we probably never would have found out that the man is just a freaky voyeur and is turned on by the thrill of doing something naughty in inappropreiate places...I tell ya, you never know someone. LOL
I told him when we put the kids to sleep we can go parking in the subdivision...I just hope we dont get caught by security and be on the news looking like fools!  Thanks girls!
Helpful - 0
325477 tn?1250551309
Hey I was not sure what you did to make your hubby's thing aroused? There wasn't any medication, right? does that mean that hubby can get aroused without extra help? And if that's the case, why doesn't he in your home?
Helpful - 0
461781 tn?1285609481
Gosh you must feel soo relieved to have some answers to your issue,  I think just by going to the doctor and you guys opening up about it makes you more "intimate"  
Girl, now you know his deepest darkest secrets.  If hormones affects us women, it affects men as well in dramatic ways.
I think the doctor was probably trying to make you guys laugh so you wouldn't feel so nervous.  I'm sure is more uncomfortable than going to the OB/GYN and getting a pelvic exam with their fingers all up in there.
Anyway, follow Doctors orders and maybe play doctor tonight, I hope it goes well!!
Helpful - 0
435139 tn?1255460391
Sounds like a very productive visit...hopefully this will be the beginning of something wonderful for you two!
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
******The Doctor's Visit*******
I could tell when he got up he was extra nervous b/c he was quiet and pacing the house but I just let me have his moment.  When he walked in as soon as we got comfortable in the chair they called him back (yall know that doesnt happen very often) so he looked at me like are you coming.
The doc came in and was friendly from the start and asked so whats going on today.  Hubby just hung his head and looked at me like this is your chance to speak on my behalf.  I said well doc we're, I mean he's experiencing some performance issues and its been going on for a long time.  So the doc asked him his age and said well you know the 1st thing we're going to do right???  I just started laughing b/c I already knew he was about to be violated in ways he couldnt imagine.  So I stepped out the room and needless to say when I am back he was looking very annoyed.  He said see what I have to go thru for love?  The doc explained that his prostate did feel a little enlarged but that could be b/c of uneven hormone levels.  He said that he would try him on viagra just yet b/c its such an invasive drug and once most men start it they have to continue to use it for erectile function.  He believes his testosterone levels are WAY down and have been for some time.  Hopefully by Tues we'll have the results back to know if he'll need hormone theropy or if he does actually need the viagra.  The doc was so funny he said I'll step out the room and let you get him aroused and we'll see how long it takes and how long he can hold the erection.  
I thought the man was joking....he wasnt.  Once hubby's friend woke up the doc came back in and was examining it, so it started to immediately.  The doc asked what happened....hubby said it's another grown a** man touching me what do you think is wrong.  We just all bust out laughing.  Then doc turned to me and said what method did you use...I looked at him out the corner of my eye and he said just kidding.  But what ever you did just do that tonight b/c it didnt take him anytime.
When he walked out that office and got in the car we laughed like we havent laughed in a long time abt this issue.  I know the 1st 5mins of the car ride was none stop giggling.  Hubby said I think something was a lil strange with that doc; I think he enjoyed that visit a little too much.

But at least we now have a starting place to get some answers, and I'm grateful to all of you ladies for your help advice and support!
The ex isnt too happy about the talk I had with him lastnight about removing the thought of us being intimate ever again, but he understands I did it for my marriage and agreed to back off so hubby and I can have time to heal!

*******I think I'll write a book**** Ha Ha Ha
Helpful - 0
212161 tn?1599427282
sorry did not mean to over step , i didnt mean am sorry for your kids i see your a good mother , i meant, it would be sad to see your family not make it and them lose a good dad.  what you do in your marrage is your thing i was just saying i could never even think of going outside my marrage, i made vows to GOD and my Husband and my kids to, i also have two small boys when i marred my husband now so i know how it is to be a single mom.  i wish you all the luch, looks like you have really been throught it , i wish you good health and hope everything works out for ya . sorry didnt meant to up-set you .Barb
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just signed up for medhelp, and Wow! What a story u have girl! I think its great that ur so honest,although i know its so easy to be so honest while typing...not in person :) but i think its good that ur man and u are making a lil improvement! I know that its like (no ones situation is the same as the next) to have a "questionable" past,that...no offense to some of the others comments,but to hear their opinion... leaves u frustrated and angry at their ideals! Face it, its hard to REALLY know someone through message:)
but making an improvement for urself, and for ur marriage is great!
im sorry,if my message sounds scattered,im using my iphone:(
But i wish u well, with u and ur hubby:)
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
that's a wonderful question.  I've asked him several times and he's always said no...but deep down inside i've never believed he was telling me the truth.  I dont know if he's hiding this from me b/c of my past dealing with being raped at such in early age and having to have an abortion b/c basically I was too young to even have a healthy pregnancy.  He's attended crisis counseling with me with no problem (18yrs later I still go twice a month) and has heard all the brutal details of my molestation by a family member and I'm thinking maybe this scares him.  When we got engaged I made him attend a few sessions b/c yes this will always be a tragic situation in my life that I must heal from and also educate others on.
I'm just glad we're talking honestly about it and he's allowing me to go in and see the doc w/ him.  I'm prayerful that all will be revealed and this will be a thing of the past.
I also had the dreaded talk with the ex.....but I'll update on that tomorrow.  I wanna spend some snuggle time with hubby before bed.  Goodnite ladies.
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Wow, that is truly a story.  I felt like I was reading a book.  I don't doubt love exists, I just wonder if maybe he's grown up thinking that sex is just for procreation purposes.  That is why sex was fine when you were both trying to conceive but non-existent before the marriage and now after the baby.  Was he abused when he was younger?  This could lead to a lot of sexual dysfunction in adult life.  I'm sure it may be a physical thing but perhaps there are some other factors here.  Just trying to give you another perspective.  I really hope things are able to be worked out.  You both sound like you would do well with some family counseling as well.  Just to work out some of these issues.  It's good though that there is open communication here and you can get some help on Friday.
Helpful - 0
461781 tn?1285609481
I sent you a message.  :)
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
He made it in off the road and got home around 2am.  After he took his shower and came to bed I got up and went in the guestroom and got in the bed.  He immediately followed me into the room and grabbed my hand and said "oh no we're not doing this thing where we sleep apart; we already speed too many nights like that with me being on the road."  So he made me come back to bed and he was like dont you even want to know why I'm home a day early, and I said truthfully NO.  I'll admit girls I was being a real b*tch but when frustrations build up how do you turn them off.
He told me to get my sis-n-law to watch the baby Fri b/c he's keeping the doc appt for that morning and he needs me to go with him and bring the convo up to the doc.  He said he's rehearsed several times in his mind how to say it but he just cant.
He begged me not to let this be the 1 thing to destroy us b/c we've fought through so many factors to be able to have the OPEN & HONEST relationship that we do.  He said he doesnt know any female who would tell her hubby she's on the verge of cheating b/c she's not being satisfied at home, nor does he know any man that would think about letting her do it, just to make her happy.
I love that boy so much and I know he loves me.  He allows me to stay home w/ the kids while he stays gone for days and weeks at a time to keep a roof over our heads and give us the basics that we need.  Everything else is xtra and just proves that he wants me to have the best.  We truly cant afford this home, the big screens, the nice furniture all the frivalous things that at the end of the day dont mean nothing if our home is not running b/c we're at war.
I told him I feel betrayed b/c it's taken this long for him to see the pain in my face or understand the rejection when he climbs in the bed and turns his back to me.  What I never knew was while i was crying my own tears he was busy crying his.
We talk, we laugh, we fuss then five mins later I have my head on his lap talking about something else.  I want this man and this marriage.  I dont want SEX to be the thing that blocks us from lasting, but at the same time Im 29yrs old and I dont want the best years of my life to be regretful ones b/c that 1 thing was lacking.  I'll even sneak in the shower while he's in there and climb in just to be close to him.  He loves it, but again nothing ever happens.
I pray that Fri brings a change.  I tried to apologize for even thinking about going outside of our vows but we wouldnt let me.  He told me Baby it's been over a yr and if the situation was reversed I dont know if I would have lasted that long, so if there are any owed apologies its from me to you.  We agreed that once the problem is corrected I would releave the EX of his pending duties, but I told him I'll do one better than that I'll releave him now....here goes wish me luck ladies!
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
this all happened b4 we were married....I have never, nor has he gone outside of our vows.  What I am doing is talking to my LADIES about my feelings.  While I respect your opinion the only thing I ask is that you leave my kids out of this convo.  This is about my intimacy issue with my husband and how we're handling our "grown up" problems.  So to be on MY safe side leave my kids out of this, you would NEVER have a reason to be SORRY for them whether him and I make it or not; understand?
But thanks for your feedback
Helpful - 0
284738 tn?1283106819
I applaud you for your honesty!  

In my opinion cheating never brings a woman and man closer ( even though he knew and told you that you could) .. in the back of his mind it will always linger.. ya know?   I think you need to take your marriage back to the basics.. forget about everything and just focus on you and him.. go out on dates.. get each other gifts... dont even think about sex ( i know its hard)  just focus on re connecting and getting to know each other all over again... see where that takes you..

sometimes a marriage runs its course.. its no ones fault .. people grow and change over time  and maybe you two just dont have anything in common anymore .. it doesnt mean you dont love each other .. these things just happen...  i would take the time to get to know each other all over again and see where things stand. Good Luck ... In time you will find what is right for you.
Helpful - 0
212161 tn?1599427282
wow . thats nuts sorry but never would i go outside my marrage but like you said we are all different. all i can say is wow, and i cant see your marrage lasting . sorry for your kids. sorry just me.
Helpful - 0
435139 tn?1255460391
No, I wouldn't involve the ex again BUT how about YOU make the appointment...I make all my husbands appointments for EVERYTHING...I don't think he could make an appointment on his own if he needed to lol  Make the appointment, tell lhim when it is, and make yourself available to be with him that day to make sure he goes.  

I don't like ultimatums BUT you seem like you are at your wits end...maybe you could tell him this is it...he does this or you are taking a break from each other...maybe you'll scare him into going!
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
Since this is a very grown up convo I think I will move this to my journal.  The last thing I want to do is offend anyone.  We know how sensitive "we" get on Medhelp sometimes (smile)!  We can continue to talk here, but if this does get deleted I will add it to my journal to get continued help and support.

But keep talking ladies...I'm listening!
Helpful - 0
285896 tn?1237211227
Ok girls....sorry
I had to pick the boys up from school, fix dinner, get the boys ready for bed....and meditate before I lose my damn mind!

Now where was I oh...the honesty.

Before the baby, when the decline in our sex life began he used to feel so horrible about it that he would give me permission to go to the ex as long as I didnt do it behind his back.  So one day I took him up on his offer.  He was in TN (we live in GA) and I let him know that I invited the ex over and would that be cool with him since Im not sneaking around.  At 1st he was real hesitant but finally he said cool, just make sure we use protection.  Ladies I'll admit I was scared to DEATH and left a note in my wallet if I die under any circumstances the hubby did it :)~
But I needed to be with the ex so bad that it turned into an all nighter.  Hubby made it home while we were in the bedroom doing our thing (kids were out of town before anyone calls social services!) actually walked in but closed the door and went to the other room.  I pretended as though I didnt know he was home because I didnt want to face him because at that moment I was feeling like a **** (a very satisfied ****) but a nasty hooker all the same.  The ex fell asleep and I got up to get a drink and heard water running in the bathroom.  I walked in and hubby was sitting on the floor with an empty Patron bottle crying his heart out.  Oh my God girls this broke my heart. All he could say was "I said you could".  I had to clean my man up and put him in one of the kids beds but I couldnt throw the ex out b/c he was drunk too.  So I just climbed in the bed with hubby and held him and promised him I would never let it happen again.  He just told me that he knows that I'm a young woman and has needs and hes secure about his manhood but he's disappointed that he's not able to give me what I need.
Yes we've had the gay talk b/c after all this is the A.T.L. and there are so many undercover brothers here that its dangerous.  Ive even tried to sneak my finger "there" and almost got the sh*t knocked out of me.  He's a true man to his heart but he's prideful, and that pride is hurting us.
Back to the story:
Later that night I was just sitting on the side of the bed with hubby sleeping half drunk b/c I opened the other bottle of Patron.  The ex tip-toed in and gave me a head nod to come on back; so not being of sound mind and guilty conscience I went back in the room with him and while he was doing his "downtown" thing in walks hubby.  I look up and he's just standing there.  At this point my eyes are glued on him, the ex acknowledges him but keeps going.  We have a love seat in the master bedroom so hubby just sits down and eyes still havent moved.  I was so uncomfortable that the ex stopped and said "you see your man, I see your man....he sees that you're over here being taken care of so why are you so scared.  I want you to put your eyes on me and done take them off."  DAMN!
I asked hubby did he want to join in at 1st he was going to then he was like "no this is your night so I'll let you have your night".  He just sat there and watched.  The next morning I fixed breakfast we all ate I walked the ex to his car and told him it could NEVER happen again.  He just said I'll never stop loving you or wishing that you were mine and drove away.
Till this day...hubby and I have NEVER talked about this night again.
I recently asked him, does he need a night that's all about him?  I'm not like him tho, Im not about to let another woman have my man and not join in the mix, but hey to each its own.  He just looked me in the eye and said I dont want nobody but you and baby I promise as soon as I have a day off I will go get the meds I need and I will make it up to you.
My gripe is, he took off for Superbowl, he'll take off for a good Falcons game, his Sigma brothers come into town he'll schedule time off for them...but he hasnt penciled in a Dr's appt to save his marriage.
Now look Heffas...Ive told you some very private and freaky information.  Hopefully this has answered any questions as to the lengths I've gone to please him and please me.  But since he claims to want me and this family so bad what do I do?  Do I call the ex back over so he sees that I'm not joking?
I hope no one is offended by this Grown up talk and no I'm not offended by any of your questions.  These are questions Ive asked him and asked myself.  I came to you guys out of a need and a longing for answers.  Sh*t after all we're grown folks, and grown folks do grown things!  Watch out now!  Plus Ive been around here since 07 and any of you that know me know humor is like 2nd nature 2 me so tho I'm joking through-out this thread my situation is real so are my feelings....thanks ladies!
Helpful - 0
639543 tn?1297027634
Gay, maybe, but another issue, could be cheating. I don't personally know your husband obviously, and I'm just suggesting as I watched my mother go through this exact same thing. Me and my mother are extremely close, and she told me about how dad never seemed sexually interested in her, and come to find out about a year later he was sleeping with my mom's best friend the entire time, and on TOP of that, was addicted to pills which no one knew, and that ALSO made it harder for him to get it up -  so think of all the possibilities you need to make him tell you, let him know, you talk, and fix the problem or YOU'RE going to fix it. If he loves you, then he should understand.
Helpful - 0
435139 tn?1255460391
I posted above earlier, and wondered if he was gay too...and I was not trying to be offensive...now Mumita has thought the same thing...Is it possible?  

You can be as truthful as you need here...none of us are here to judge and we'd all like to see you have some peace about this issue.
Helpful - 0
461781 tn?1285609481
Get it all out girl!
I don't know what to tell you, but I don't think that this is normal even if he has a medical problem, I think its something else.  Its just too weird.  I know that if my husband doesn't want to do it and he keeps postponing it, if I jump on him and do all my "tricks" there's no way that the man will go back to sleep, he'll get his raunchy side out too.
Maybe he's had this issue for a long time and he's embarrassed about his issue or maybe he's thinking something else.  Have you asked him if maybe he's gay? I know that would be hard to believe but some men want to have the married life and have their occassional manly love too...Please don't take it the wrong way but it could be.

Just don't fool around with your ex.  Get this issue resolved and then see where that takes you.
Try to ask him what his problem is?
Helpful - 0
325477 tn?1250551309
wow, I just read about your situation...I guess after all that has been discussed here, I have a few questions that you need to answer very truefully:

1. Are you sure that your husband loves you all that much? It does seem pretty selfish that he can't please you in any other way, you know? The loving husbands usually try everything and if their thing doesn't work, there are other things that can be done to please you and show your love to the woman you love... Im just throwing it out there because I know how tough it must be for you....

2. I see how much you love him and how heroicly you went though not being close to your man for such a long time!!!!! It must hurt, I would think.. Do you feel you can go on like this forever?  Does your husband have any explanation to his behavior? Can't he just get it up at all or ....?

You need to be honest with yourself and see what's best for your marriage...your hubby is probably in pain himself but he needs to open up to you!!!! You need to talk in all honesty!
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Pregnancy Community

Top Pregnancy Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.