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879214 tn?1258831321

Not a question, just a dilema!

So I am in a bit of a Dilema.  I just found out my 21yr old niece is pregnant.  She is not in a comitted relationship.  In fact the father is her roommate whom she just happens to be sleeping with.  She is definitly not ready to be a mother, heck she can hardly take care of herself.  She wants to have an abortion & as much as I do not agree with abortion (especially as a form of birth control) I think it might be the best decision for her & her future.  But I don't know if I can support or accept it & be there to support her if she does have one.  I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant with my first child a little girl & I couldn't imaging losing her.  & knowing that someone I love wants to get ride of a child because it was an ACCIDENT kills me.  Her mother was 19 when she had her & if she would have made the same decision my niece would not be here right now. She doesn't want to tell her mother or her father (my brother) about the pregnancy.  Mostly because she is scared taht they will both try & convince her to keep it.  But her mother of all people knows what she is going thru & I think would be great for support no matter what her decision is.  Her mother was young & didn't have anything either & by the time she found out she was pregnant her & my brother had already split up, so she decied to be a single mother & she did it just fine.  I just don't know what to do.  I know it is not my place to tell my brother or her mother & I never would betray my niece like that, but I think that they should know.  Also I don't know what I should do.  Should I try to convince her to keep it, or do I accept her decision to have an abortion?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
8 Responses
676912 tn?1332812551
I'd tell her to talk to her mom, make her. Her mom went through the same thing, and if she talks to her she may decide to keep it. If she won't talk to her mom, remind her of what her mom went through. Remind her that she wouldn't be here if her mom didn't keep her. And support her and talk to her. There's not much else you can do. You can try to convince her to keep it, but in the end it comes down to her decision.
354373 tn?1299184526
You are in a tough situation......I see what you mean about not wanting to betray your neices trust....I don't think that I would do that (hard to say though, as I'm  not in your shoes)......She is 21 years old....Supposedly an adult and able to make her own decisions.  All you can really do is make sure that she knows her options inside and out and then let her decide...Make sure that she is well education before she makes any rash decisions.....And best of luck to you in your pregnancy!  :o)
Avatar universal
Also, maybe say something about adoption to her
362249 tn?1441315018
I would have said adoption too! Abortion is just wrong something i just dont believe in! If she does in fact not want the child thats fine but i think giving it to a loving couple who cant have one of their own would be the best thing!

and smj.. is right she needs to talk to her about it to get some better understanding!!
Avatar universal
i am in the same position as you are.But slightly different.My sister in law emailed me out of the blue last week(her brother and i live in a us and she lives in europe)She is pregnant and wants to ahve an abortion.Sh already has a 7 year old daughter from previous one night stand and now she pregnant but the relationship with the father has ended.He doesnt know she is pregnant i am the only one im not even allowed say it to my dh.I also foun out i am 4 weeks pregnant.I dont know why she told me because there is nothing i can do to help her with me being so far away.I dont agree with abortion and i know i should say something to my dh or her mother who i get on extrememly well with because if they find out i knew theyll be pissed with me and if i do say something and shes made do something she doesnt wanna do shes going to be pissed with me.I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.Im sorry im no help to you but thought it might make you feel better if you knew someone who was going through same thing as you.All we can do is try our best to support them and tell the every option other than abortion we can think of.Good luck xx
266539 tn?1281402152
Honestly... I'm sure she would love having someone to talk to but in the end, it is her choice.  Good or bad choice that she makes it is important for her to make it.  It is easier to regret an abortion than it is a child...  and she may not feel like adoption is an answer because she may not want anyone to really know and publish her mistake.  I agree that abortion isn't a type of birthcontrol and should never be used that way.  But it really has to be left up to her to chose... and she will have to live with it forever and that will be the hardest things she ever lives with so don't make it any harder on her than it is.  It is great you are worried about her and care.
879214 tn?1258831321
Thank you all for your reponses.
She is still not willing to tell her mother although I keep trying to convince her that her mom could be so much help & support especially cause she was in the exact same situation once.  I am trying to be there for her as much as I can & have discussed all options with her.  She is determined to have an abortion.  She says there is NO WAY that she is ready for a child & there is NO WAY that she can carry it & then give it up.  For one she doesn't want people to know she is pregnant & then not keep the child.  & also because she sees how much I enjoy feeling my little girl move & she feels that if she were to feel her child inside her that she would not be able to give it up. My DH & I are trying to be as supportive as we can with the situation & let her know that we will not judge her & we will stand by her no matter what decision she makes, even though we do not agree with her decision to have an abortion we will still stand by her.  But She still needs to talk to someone else like a councellor.  & she needs her mother, cause if she does in fact go thru with the abortion she is going to need someone to be there with her & to take care of her for a couple days afterwards.  As much as I love her that is something that I WILL NOT DO!  I have done it for  a friend before yrs ago, but at this stage of my life & being pregnant I CAN NOT be there for that!
525485 tn?1314361301
I hope she changes her mind, I really really do. There are too many women out there that want children and have a difficult time conceiving or even carrying a child to term..and there are others who cannot even have children.
God bless you for trying to help her...and I understand that if she has this procedure..that you cannot be there for her..I would not be able to either.

My sister had 2 abortions and pondered her 3rd after I lost our first baby that we tried for 3 years to conceive. It is not an easy experience to be around.

Good luck hun!
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