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358971 tn?1330892575

What wd you say the Pros and Cons are for having a baby now instead of waiting

this is mostly for a discussion I plan to have with DH. I printed out my own list of Pros and Cons with a twinge of humor added so he didn't get freaked out. I typed the list and plan on having a discussion with him tomorrow, (he's hunting this evening). The reason I'm doing this is because originally, DH wanted to wait a loooonnng time before ttc. Then in Dec 2008 he agreed we'd start trying in June of this year. Then....we went to Florida for a friend's wedding and b/c we loved it so much there (compared to where we're living) he changed his mind and said he's not ready. I gave him a week to get over the psuedo-depression from leaving Florida, and asked him in all seriousness...."will you be ready in June?" he said no. My heart sank, of course. I keep trying to convince myself that i'm totally fine with waiting. But then I get to thinking about it and think, "OMG! I"m going to be 28 in 7 months! If we wait another year, I'll be 29 before having our first. No big deal, but I still want to get my PhD and am almost finished with my master's (in Sept) so I'd like to have children now, and then when they're about 2, put them in preschool, and go back to school.

Sorry this is long...i'm babbling. (what's new?). I just wanted you're feedback so I can add it to my list of pros and cons. So again....

Please name some pros and some cons to having children now versus waiting  (men can answer too please!)

16 Responses
470885 tn?1326332637
Just off the top of my head....

You'll have more energy, the younger you are (I'm 31 and DH is nearly 41, and I see a difference in our energy levels).

Another thing to consider is that there never will be a "perfect" time.  There's always something to wait for, a reason to hold off.

Good luck with your talk tomorrow, I hope it goes well.  Keeping the lines of communication open is key for sure :-)
435139 tn?1255463991
NOW PROS: your eggs deteriorate in quality every year you are past 25 and the risk factors for downs etc. increase

Also, you could face fertility issues in the coming years and have a harder time ttc
358971 tn?1330892575
Thanks. You're right and the energy level is definitely one i  put on my list! It's just that i know DH will say that he's not talking about waiting 4 years (when he'll be 30, I'll be 30 in 2 1/2). So, I'm trying to come up with things that will help him see now is the time. He says he's not ready but I think he's just (like me) afraid of giving up all he knows. Sleep, freedom to do anything. But I keep trying to tell him, we're responsible for our dog. He doesn't stop us from doing everything, just puts a little cinch in things but he's totally worth it. Babies are even better!!!
358971 tn?1330892575
really? I had no idea the statistics for eggs quality said after 25 y/o!!! Crikey!! Thanks for adding THAT! i'LL BE sure to mention that one!! The fertility thing is a good one too. I mention that but it seems to slide right by him...like he doesn't FULLY understand the weight of such a serious issue.
363110 tn?1340924019
Bioclock~ TECHNICALLY it's after 30... but women under 30 definitely have a lower risk of D/s and T18 (deadly genetic problem)

But.... You don't have to go into specifics with him! :)  Ask him if he's sure he'll have the energy to have kids in a couple years? AND probably more than one!  (if this is your first... you'll probably want more and soon, esp. if your 28 now. The DS risk is a big deal.)
Avatar universal
I agree- there'll never be the "perfect" time. I know so many women who waited and ended up finding that they couldn't conceive or had a very difficult time doing so.

Also, you're at higher risks for genetic problems and are required to get amnios, etc. because your eggs will start to "deteriorate" the older you become, as others have stated. Which is probably why older moms may have a harder time conceiving.

This is just one of those things that you have to try! Once you are pregnant and your husband sees his baby on ultrasound and holds them for the first time... that is HIS baby! He will be very protective and love them with his whole heart.

Good luck!
363110 tn?1340924019
Well said JOY!
435139 tn?1255463991
TECHNICALLY a women's eggs are deteriorating since birth!

Here is scientific data to support my statement that it happens after age 25 (mid 20s)

At birth, all females have about 1 million eggs. By puberty, a woman’s egg reserve has declined by 50% and each month thereafter, she will lose an additional 750 eggs. *****Beginning in a woman’s 20’s, the eggs not only begin to diminish in quantity, but also in quality. *****Significant deterioration occurs after the age of 35. The end result is that as a woman ages, it becomes increasingly difficult, and eventually impossible for her to conceive a healthy baby naturally due to the age of her eggs.

This article merely points out the trouble conceiving due to poor eggs it did go on to explain the quality factor and the increased risk for downs etc.  At 20 yrs, your risk is 1 in 1,000 after 35 it is 1 in 100...I'm sure the closer you are to 35 the chances decline and become closer to the 1 in 100 figure.

However, anyone at any time can have a baby with chromosomal problems.

My friend has fertility problems even at 27 and I have been with her to appointments etc. and this is how I know this.  She has been ttc for 2 years...poor thing!
358971 tn?1330892575
thanks for your wisdom ladies. I had 'THE" discussion with DH yesterday and gave him my "list" of pros and cons. Unfortunately, it came down to the words of "i'm just not ready. We both need to be ready to do this. But I'll probably be ready by the end of this year."
AAAHHHHHH!!!!! I wanna rip my hair out!! Of course I don't want to pressure him, and I certainly can't make him ejaculate inside of me! But, I still was hopeful that June would be our month. I have fears too, and I think that's normal. But his answer of not being ready is irrefutable. I can't "reason" that away! So now I'm super frustrated b/c I"m aware of the fertility issues, genetic complications, etc and theres nothing I can do about it!
Sigh, is it possible for a guy to become "ready" in 6 months?? I told him i personally didn't think he'd feel any different then than he does now. :(
I"m seriously pouting now.
435139 tn?1255463991
Well, I wonder why he isn't ready...when my husband wanted to start ttc, I was the one who just wasn't ready because I had a commitment to my job that I would get my Master's degree within 5 years AND for my first three years on the job, they could fire me for no reason so I wanted to make sure that I was a good employee and I got my Master's...I'm not like a super career woman or anything BUT I felt it would be better to wait and bring our child into our life IF we had an added level of stability...I'd be settled into my career, past those three years of worrying if they'd let me go AND I'd be making more money.  

Don't push right now, because it might make him more resentful or opposed to talking about it BUT I would try to talk to him about where this idea of being ready or not ready stems from.  Ask him what else in life he wants or needs before he can move forward.  

I'd be bothered too if my dh just said he wasn't ready and I had no idea why...
Avatar universal
I had my children in my early and mid 20's, so I completely understand that feeling of "now is the time".  Having said that, NOTHING could prepare us for the work that came from having children.  I watch this same scenario every day with my daughter and her husband (who live with us) - - - one is in school and one works full time.  It's not enough to make it on their own in this State and when they had my granddaughter (11months), their life changed.  Anyone that has had a child understands that concept, but you simply cannot get people to see this, until they live it themselves.

I give your husband credit for being honest about his feelings, because his life WILL change, and so will yours.  It is hard enough to adjust to the responsibility of a child when you are both on the same page, but if one isn't - - it can be a disaster for a relationship.

Having said all that - - maybe he doesn't feel settled in HIS life right now, albeit his job, where he is living, scared of providing for and taking care of another human being, etc.  There are lots of things that could be bothering him and maybe he isn't sharing those real reasons.  Hopefully, he will come to terms with those underlying issues shortly, and you can both move on.  If it doesn't seem to happen right away, perhaps you could start your PhD now and get it done before having children, so you don't have to juggle school, work and your kids at the same time.

But I DO understand how you must be feeling right now and I wish the best to you both and hope you can meet in the middle.....Take care!
Avatar universal
From a man point of view...I always wanted to wait till I was comfortable in my job and made enough money, but while I was away on business I met a guy who was my age and we started talking and his words were, "there is never going to be a perfect time, so don't let this time pass you by". After that I went home and wife and I agreed that we shoudl start trying ASAP.
I see no CONS, unless the relationship is abusive, but if the relationship is warm and loving then nothing should stop you from trying to have a child.
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