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abortion

I had an abortion in October. I do not believe in them and I believe I went to hell and I am not here right now. It is horrible! I have 2 beautiful children and it is a struggle. I live with my parents and when I told them I was prenant again they said I could not live here with 3 kids and I couldnt live with my boyfriend because he has his drug addict brother living there and he had a past with drugs. I feel horrible about what I did and I am never going to get over it but I think did I want all of my 3 kids to be taken or should I jus have an abortion and 5 1/2 weeks? I saw the ultrasound and they told me there was no heartbeat yet and I barely even saw anything it was a lot different then my first two it was really strange. After I had it done I felt like I went right to hell! I ended up in a behavioral health hospital and I felt myself die in there literally. My heart was beating out of my chest and my blood pressure was off the charts! I went to the ER 9 times in a month thinking there was everything wrong with me before all of this  was always a hypocrontriac but not that bad. I felt my whole body shut down and I do feel like I deserve that but my kids dont deserve me to feel this way all I want to be happy for is them not for myself. I thought about all the pros and cons and boyfriend (the father of my 2 children now) was in and out of jail about 3 years of our kids lives he never reall worke maybe a couple of months in 7 years. I tried being on birth control but I was getting all kinds of side affects. I think now I should have had my baby and got my tubes tied I could have done it I did it on my own with my son and my daughter I could have had another beautiful daughter or son. I feel horrible. Does anyone have any advice?? Please do not comment if you are going to be rude I am going through enough in this horrible situation thanks.
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Avatar universal
I think you're right.  You should have the baby and get your tubes tied - or stop having sex.  Especially with a drug addicted boyfriend.  That isn't good for your kids.  

If you can't afford to live on your own, and must stay at your parents, then you'll have to follow their rules.  There are millions of families who cannot get pregnant and would love a chance to parent a child.  There are other options besides abortion.  This is a child - whether you see a heartbeat or not, it is a child.  Give it a chance at life, even if you cannot raise it.
Helpful - 0
187316 tn?1386356682
She already had the abortion.

@ sweetheart - I think the reaction you are having is in a way normal. A lot of people who go through abortion can spend years with a guilty consious. I know that it will be hard to do but think about the 2 beautiful children you already have and know that even though the situation ***** and wasn't ideal that you did it for them. Talk to your doctor or Medicaid and see if they can help get you onto some type of birth control. Pack your bags and leave your deadbeat boyfriend and move on from all of this...
Helpful - 0
1641397 tn?1302626061
Although I completely agree that it is a life you're taking when you get an abortion, I totally hate when "people" judge you by their own personal hang ups. Just because a person coceived easily or conceived at all and chose to terminate has no worse effect just because some woman,some where couldn't. Abortion is never an easy to thing to do and bares devastating consequences regardless of the "reason". It has nothing to do with how many women are "out there" who want to have children and can't. Abortion is an individual act, individual pain on an individual basis. This group really needs to get their heads on a level ground instead of being so stuck up in the air about this subject. You don't know someones day to day life or how they may have felt at the time that made them feel like they had no choice. Obviously it was bad enough that they went ahead and did it. But that doesn't mean they're any less human, any less of a loving devoted parent, any less of a woman or any less of a PERSON. No one is ever "happy" or "proud" about having done such a thing. But its also horribly ugly of people to downgrade and point the finger at those who have done it. I'm sure at some point in everyones lives,somewhere along the line.. you too may have done some pretty horrible things that you may regret having ever done as well. This is a community for uplifting,encouragement to make your situation better,advice. Not a witch hunt.
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Avatar universal
cutie_pie - this forum includes all subjects on pregnancy and abortion is a pregnancy subject. We have and always will offer advice and consolation to women contemplating or having had an abortion. While there are a few people who have said things they shouldn't it is always dealt with by myself or a MedHelp staff member. You're throwing stones at everyone here when no one has even said anything.

sweetheart856 - I am so very sorry that you're going through this! We all make mistakes and live to regret things. Yours is a very tragic story and deeply self-wounding. The great thing is that there IS forgiveness but the forgiveness has to start with you. You need to forgive yourself. It is a process that will not happen overnight but it is possible. There are places where you can get help and talk with women who've been in similar situations:

http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/
(This is a Christian-based organization and most organizations of this type are religious but you do not have to be a Christian to visit or get involved or get help there!)

It may also be time to re-evaluate your living situation with your boyfriend; it doesn't sound very safe or stable for the children you do currently have. But first deal with the grief process and in forgiving yourself. *HUGS*
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202436 tn?1326474333
It's completely understandable and normal for you to feel the way you do.  The vast majority of women who have abortions go on to regret them.  I would suggest you find a FAITH-BASED women's clinic in your area.  I say faith based simply becuase they are more likely to have a post-abortion support group.  I think this would help you tremendously.  If you cannot find such a support group, looking for a grief support group.  You are, in a sense, grieving the loss of your child.  Regardless of how your pregnancy ended you still lost your baby.  

For the record I am pro-life but what's done is done.  You need to get help so that you can be a good mother to your two living children.  You also need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself from ending up in this position again.  Get on birth control.  Get yourself motivated to do what ever it takes to become independent and move out one your own. First and foremost, you need to work through your emotions.
Helpful - 0
1641397 tn?1302626061
I don't feel as though I'm throwing stones at all. I'm entitled to my opinion same as everyone else. Its funny how my statement got a reaction when others blatant remarks had no reprove which only solidifies my point.
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Avatar universal
I must have been raised differently.  But a life is a life and it should be given the same chance as you and I were given no matter what the situation.  And for someone that has been through 4 years of infertility and a miscarriage I'm entitled to my own opinion too.  She posted on a forum that I KNOW has many people struggling to get pregnant.  I guess I forgot this was the pregnancy forum and not the fertility forum.  

That being said - there is always another way.  And I'm not judging her...people do what they need to do.  She asked for help - I misread her comment and thought she was still contemplating and trying to save a life.  Excuse me for trying.  I'll stick to the fertility forum where abortion talk is not ok...or at least is used to not be.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I DO NOT agree with abortion. But that is my opinion.
Having said that like one of the above posters said "whats done is done". There is nothing you can do to change what has happened. Your best bet now would be to find a strong support system and get your feelings out. Theres nothing you can do to change the situation you are in, but you can change what happens in the furture. I had my first baby at the age of 16. I had no job,was still in high school. My boyfriend (who is now my husband) was very irresponsible and really didn't care at the time about anything but himself. He has changed completely. But abortion was never an option because it was a way out of my responsibility. I did what I had to do to finish school and graduate and go on to college. DH did  the same things.
You need to pull yourself together for the sake of your children that you do have and find oyurself so you can be a good mother to them. These years only happen once. You don't want to miss anymore time with them.

But I have to say Im with the two above posters. Abortion is not ok. Its a very touchy subject for those that have been ttc. She could have had the baby and given him/her to a family that could love and provide the way she couldn't. A woman says she couldn't live with the thought of knowing she gave her baby up, (to be loved and cared for properly) but she could live with the fact that she didn't give her child a chance at a good life. Its selfish to me. Abortion is a convienience plain and simple.
Helpful - 0
1483631 tn?1319228646
there's no reason crying over spilt milk, it's done. But I think it's a valuable lesson for you for the future, being responsible not just for you, but to ensure the right future for your kids. I think it's normal to feel depressed after this, you will probably never fully recover emotionally, but you have to go on for your kids.
Good luck, hun!
Helpful - 0
1664002 tn?1307214901
It will be ok.. I understand its hard, although ive never had an abortion, ive miscarried 11 times. Nomatter how loss happens it still hurts. People are judgemental when they should not be, only God can judge. If you think you did what was best for your family then in my opinion, he will forgive you. I have experiance with drug addicted friends and boyfriends(now exs) and that is no good on a child, yes adoption was an option BUT everyone also needs to understand that alot of us can not give our babies up even with every intention to do so before getting to hold that little one. If you need someone to talk with feel free to message me, im not too sure how on here yet as im new to the site, but i will listen and be there to talk to if needed or wanted. Everything happens for a reason and every decision is made for a reason. Im sorry you are having such a rough time. Best of luck and hope things get better for you *hugs*
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1664002 tn?1307214901
i forgot to add, ive seen placces on here that state, get on birth control and other things relating to, there are women that CANNOT take birth control. I am one of those so i know this with experiance, with me birth control caused deadly cysts on my overies and uterus that thankfully went away plus vomiting, hives, headache, ect. I was on the lowest dose available at the time.  
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Avatar universal
In no way am I being judgemental. I did not say she was a bad person or anything like that.
A person can't give their child up for adoption and have a chance at a good life but they will make the decision to take the chance away completely? It's selfish no matter how its looked at. I was 16 when I had my first child and that alone was enough fro me to realize I needed to get my stuff together with or without my child's father. If I could do it at 16 years surely someone in their 20's or 30's could as well.
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1664002 tn?1307214901
I did not specify who I was talking about, I was addressing the fact that she has come here for support.
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1194973 tn?1385503904
She did indeed, and there's little use in saying anything against what is done. Criticizing or saying it's wrong won't change the past, nor bring back that little life. Regardless, you need to move on. Not only for your sake, but for your childrens. You need to be there to take care of them and you won't be able to do that dwelling over what was done in the past.

As for the adoption issue, many places don't let you hold or even see the child when it's born so the mother doesn't change her mind. There are also non-hormonal birth controls such as Paragard that doesn't do anything to the body. Just things to keep in mind.
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Avatar universal
I was supportive in answering her question "how does she deal with this"
She needs a support system and obviously the people she is around currently are not doing that. It's April, she had the abortion in October. If she had the proper support system she wouldn't be so depressed.  I hope she gets the help she needs and can heal for her children's sake. They were my main concern after my miscarriages.
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Avatar universal
For one, no matter when her abortion was done you can't say how a person is going to be with a good or with out a good support system...I have had close friends of mine choose that road and have a great support system and still months later be this hurt over it...Abortion is a very touchy subject I myself do not agree with them, but again have had friends do it, for reasons that are nothing but there own...Thinking about your lifestyle and two other children you have is a mature thing she did...Yes adoption is an option but not one she herself felt she could do, in the months of being pregnant and seeing your child and feeling them come time to deliver they don't want to give them up anymore weather they have seen that baby or not, and at those moments how would it be fare for her to choose to keep a child she new she couldn't raise...To me it seems like some people have attacked her and she needs support...There is no reason to be rude or to say what she could have done because obv she didn't choose those options and its a little late so why talk about well you could have when you could be talking to her about what she did choose....That being said...I was a 16year old mother as well and I got my life together but that doesn't mean anything...age has nothing to do with it really...I know women in there 30s that shouldn't have children at all...But none the less this is support not to attack or make them feel low for the choice they made...sweetheart856 if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me I have no problem talking to you...Good luck to you and your children in the future...
Helpful - 0
1035252 tn?1427227833
Ladies, please take this discussion elsewhere. You can discuss it in private message or perhaps in a journal visible only to friends; this post is losing a little bit of focus.


To sweetheart856: The past is done with, and you cannot spend the rest of your life hating yourself for what you've done. Yes, you COULD have had the baby, then tied your tubes, but at that time you felt like it was best not to. Whether or not that is true, you CANNOT think about now because there's nothing you can do about it. All you will do is drive yourself insane. You are a good person and a good mother and just because you've done something that you think is a mistake doesn't change the fact that you are a good person. Good people do bad things...not that this was a bad thing, but do you see what I mean? just because you have something in your past that you regret, or that you feel was wrong, does NOT make you a bad person and will NOT send you to hell. if you are worried about your soul, remember that God is forgiving and Jesus died because God knew that we were human and would sin. Search yourself, ask for forgiveness, and live your life as best you can from now on - that is why Jesus died for us, so that we could be forgiven for our mistakes. Not so we could repeat them over and over and get a free pass, but I don't think you ever will again, so you don't have to worry about that.

Please hang in there and give yourself a break...we all have things about our past that we regret. Many women here who have had abortions and regret it for the rest of their lives...but NONE of them are people I would consider "bad".

Please feel free to message me to talk if you need to, and I really hope you can find it in your heart to forgive YOURSELF.

-Ashe
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