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1222635 tn?1366399886

fighting about money -- im SO angry -- how to deal?

so me and DH got into it last night. first it started about curtains. i was trying to hang some and he was sitting on his *** playing video games. he didn't offer to help me so i got pissed and yelled at him to do so. then he got pissed that i didn't ask nicely. sure, i should have asked nicely, but he should have offered. i think we were both wrong.

so we were already pissed off about that and we were on our way to our friends' apartment when i asked him to give me the 5 dollars he had in his wallet for a pack of cigarettes. he said absolutely not, it was his xmas money and he wasn't spending it on cigarettes. i told him i knew it wasn't his xmas money, it was money that his friend gave him after he bought his burger king on our debit card an that it belonged to both of us and i wanted to use it on cigs. well he still claimed it was his xmas money and he wouldn't give it to me, so i said well then give me the credit card (we only have one).. he said no im not letting you use the credit card for cigarettes. that started a HUGE fight because i feel as if im standing up for my rights to OUR money in the marriage. it wasn't about the cigs it was about the fact that we are MARRIED and he has no right to refuse money to me when it cost $5. sure, big purchases are both of our decisions, but $5 is mine to make and he has to right to deny that to me. as long as im not using it for something illegal, adulterous, or overdrafting our account, then i have a right to it.

we just had to write postdated checks for $967 worth of repairs on my car. so money is extremely tight. (i know, i know cigarettes are ridiculous when theres no money but well im a smoker and i can't wait a week till the next paycheck to smoke)... anyways so now after all our transactions have gone through we have about $6 bucks in our account to last A WEEK. i have a $6 gift card to target to feed ariana on. i think we have enough formula to last. we have $9 left on our credit card until its maxed out, and he has $5 in his wallet. i told him this morning to take the leftovers in the fridge for his lunch. and you know what he did, he forgot them. and now he is going to go use that $5 on food. well frankly, he should starve for forgetting the lunch because that $5 MUST go in my gas tank so he can get to work. i want to call him and yell at him about the $5 and tell him not to use it, but i also want him to learn from the mistake when he has no gas to get to work.

im also pissed that he is lying to me about the $5 being xmas money. i KNOW that his xmas money is gone, because he gave the rest of it to me for icecream at sonic the other day. i went in his wallet and took the rest of it out. so i know for a fact that he has NO xmas money left. and i also know (by his own mouth) that austin gave him money after burger king. but he swears up and down that that $5 is xmas money. it just irks me to no end that hes lying.

and on top of that, amidst our fighting last night he told me that my friends say i can be a mean person sometimes. i confronted BOTH of them about it, and they both said they never said anything like that. then he said well they said you can be mean to me sometimes. so i asked victoria about that, and she swore on her daughter that she has never said that. so who do i believe? and what do i do? i feel as if i am standing up for my rights to $5 in this marriage.
22 Responses
Avatar universal
Thats a tough situation, Esp when it comes to $$$. Finances are one thing that the majority of married people fight about. I think you should try to quit?! Count up how much it would save you. Cigs are not "food" and are not a nessesity either. While feeding Ariana and yourselves should and is the number one thing to be concerned about. Hopefully things straighten out for you guys. This finance issue might be affecting him just as much, and that may be why he reacts the way he does. Men dont talk about things until its too late.
1222635 tn?1366399886
i know i should quit. but right now im not as concerned about that as i am the fact that he feels he has the right to withold our money from me.
feeding her is definitely a priority. we've got her covered.
688845 tn?1325185836
This is a tough one for sure. Sorry it's so stressful for you guys. I think we've all be there where money is really tight and it's hard to deal with. I just have one question that popped out at me while I was reading this. If he "NEEDS" to put that $5 in the gas tank than what would have happened if you spent that $5 on cigarettes.  
688845 tn?1325185836
Sorry meant to put a "?" instead of a .
1222635 tn?1366399886
well there would be more money on the debit card if i had used the $5.. we have enough for cigarettes and gas and food for ariana, because my cars gas tank goes very far and i have $6 to target and im only running low on cereal
we wont have enough for gas if he uses that 5 dollars on food instead of gas though.
184674 tn?1360864093
Hmm, okay...well, to be honest, I'm not following the deal with the $5 that was/is either spent on food or cigs verses buying gas...but, I won't focus on that because that's not really the issue here.

First off, I want to say that I do understand the stress money can bring into a marriage and how the spending is prioritized. I'm a case in point--I'm a saver and, well, a self-admitted tight-wad. I literally do not like spending money, even on necessities, if there's not at least a fourth of what I've/we've earned that can be saved and put into an account that can earn interest (savings, 401k, CDs, etc.). My husband, on the other hand...can spend money like it grows on trees. I won't go into the details of what we've gone through to find a solution for us, but I will tell you what's working for us so far.
Separate accounts AND a joint account.
This is a really good solution for you both if you find yourselves staking "rights" to the money that should be for you both, and not one over the other, or for one to have ultimate authority over.
What's worked for my husband and me is a joint account where about 80% of our money goes that is for spending on our family and living necessities--groceries, gas/vehicle maintenance, bills, tithing, etc. Out of that money, whatever is left over after bills and living costs goes directly into savings, no questions or arguments.
I have my own checking account. I put about 10% of my paycheck into it each pay period, as does my husband with his own checking account. Except for him, we agreed that each pay period for him, he gets $100 of his paycheck rather than 10%. That was actually his idea because he knows he spends money sometimes too liberally and he didn't want to cut into our joint finances any more that what he thought was fair enough for him to handle, or what he thought he "needed." for two weeks between each paycheck. As you can probably guess, the money in our own accounts can be spend on whatever we want, however we want, no questions asked.
We make a budget each pay period (every two weeks) on a spreadsheet and we go over it each pay period, letting each other know of any expenses that are expected so if either of us checks the joint account, we're not freaked out by seeing something we didn't expect.
We've been using this method in our finances for about a month now and it's worked like a dream come true. And not to mention, in one month, we've been able to contribute nearly $1000 into savings...something that wasn't even known as a possibility before we worked out our finances the way they are now.
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