Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
1222635 tn?1366396286

fighting about money -- im SO angry -- how to deal?

so me and DH got into it last night. first it started about curtains. i was trying to hang some and he was sitting on his *** playing video games. he didn't offer to help me so i got pissed and yelled at him to do so. then he got pissed that i didn't ask nicely. sure, i should have asked nicely, but he should have offered. i think we were both wrong.

so we were already pissed off about that and we were on our way to our friends' apartment when i asked him to give me the 5 dollars he had in his wallet for a pack of cigarettes. he said absolutely not, it was his xmas money and he wasn't spending it on cigarettes. i told him i knew it wasn't his xmas money, it was money that his friend gave him after he bought his burger king on our debit card an that it belonged to both of us and i wanted to use it on cigs. well he still claimed it was his xmas money and he wouldn't give it to me, so i said well then give me the credit card (we only have one).. he said no im not letting you use the credit card for cigarettes. that started a HUGE fight because i feel as if im standing up for my rights to OUR money in the marriage. it wasn't about the cigs it was about the fact that we are MARRIED and he has no right to refuse money to me when it cost $5. sure, big purchases are both of our decisions, but $5 is mine to make and he has to right to deny that to me. as long as im not using it for something illegal, adulterous, or overdrafting our account, then i have a right to it.

we just had to write postdated checks for $967 worth of repairs on my car. so money is extremely tight. (i know, i know cigarettes are ridiculous when theres no money but well im a smoker and i can't wait a week till the next paycheck to smoke)... anyways so now after all our transactions have gone through we have about $6 bucks in our account to last A WEEK. i have a $6 gift card to target to feed ariana on. i think we have enough formula to last. we have $9 left on our credit card until its maxed out, and he has $5 in his wallet. i told him this morning to take the leftovers in the fridge for his lunch. and you know what he did, he forgot them. and now he is going to go use that $5 on food. well frankly, he should starve for forgetting the lunch because that $5 MUST go in my gas tank so he can get to work. i want to call him and yell at him about the $5 and tell him not to use it, but i also want him to learn from the mistake when he has no gas to get to work.

im also pissed that he is lying to me about the $5 being xmas money. i KNOW that his xmas money is gone, because he gave the rest of it to me for icecream at sonic the other day. i went in his wallet and took the rest of it out. so i know for a fact that he has NO xmas money left. and i also know (by his own mouth) that austin gave him money after burger king. but he swears up and down that that $5 is xmas money. it just irks me to no end that hes lying.

and on top of that, amidst our fighting last night he told me that my friends say i can be a mean person sometimes. i confronted BOTH of them about it, and they both said they never said anything like that. then he said well they said you can be mean to me sometimes. so i asked victoria about that, and she swore on her daughter that she has never said that. so who do i believe? and what do i do? i feel as if i am standing up for my rights to $5 in this marriage.
22 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
1222635 tn?1366396286
we have that credit card for emergencies alone.. the only reason its maxed out is from when Dh and i lived together when i was in college--before i got pregnant. we are still paying it off. and i do admit we have put a few things on it, i just can't remember what. theres no interest rate on it though as it is through a credit union, so that's good. but i agree wholeheartedly with the get out of debt and stay out of debt thing.. we are definitely attempting to get out of debt.
our tax return should be about 6k.. so we are going to use that to first pay my mom for the car repairs she paid out of pocket for us. we don't have to pay her, she told us not to, but we are going to because i know she needs that money but just won't admit it. second off we are going to pay off the credit card. it has a $500 limit on it and if we pay it off that $500 can be for emergencies like it's supposed to be. second we'll pay off the H&HGregg card that Dh bought a tv on (unwise.. i know), and with whatever is left after that we'll be paying off one of my highest interest rate student loans. at that point we'll have another $160 give or take to double up payments on something else. and that way debt will start falling off a lot faster & we can get our own place.. and thats the day i can't wait for.
thanks again for all the great advice!!
Helpful - 0
304970 tn?1331425994
PS- I forgot to mention that although we do have credit cards, they are locked in a filing cabinet in our office. We each carry the same credit card for emergencies ONLY.. And by emergency I mean car trouble or a funeral we have travel for.. That is IT..  If it is a major car repair, we save money for it vs. putting it on a card if possible.. I am echoing Joy but that is just to stress that she gave sound advice and I couldn't agree with her more! The average interest rate on a credit card makes me nauseous..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I kind of skimmed responses and it seems like you already realize you and DH aren't making smart choices. I think it is a matter of willpower. It takes willpower to say "No" to something (like eating out) and put it in savings instead. I won't touch the smoking issue as you already feel you can't/won't quit at this point and without the desire to do it you just won't do it. But I do pray that you do have the desire to quit one day, for your sake and for your family's sake.

My husband and I have a joint checking account and a joint savings account. I can transfer money to my savings online so every time he gets paid (as I stay-at-home so I don't really earn money except for small odd jobs here and there) I "pay us" to our savings account. Even if it is just 20 or 30 bucks it is still going in savings and earning interest and is available if something unexpected comes up (flat tire, anyone?!).

First step is to get rid of debt! You have a credit card that is almost maxed out. If you get a good tax return apply it all to your debt. Don't go buy anything nice for yourselves until you get rid of all of your debt. I know it is harsh but if you continue on the downward spiral you'll find yourselves filing for bankruptcy soon. Happens to many, many people I know. You need to not put things, especially trivial things like fast food, on credit cards. My husband has done it without telling me and now we've paid hundreds of dollars of interest on a stupid cheeseburger! That's the biggest thing about credit cards- the interest. Sit down and look at your statements over 2010 and add up the interest. You may find yourselves shocked to find you've paid maybe $500 or more on interest alone. Doesn't make that dinner out seem so frugal anymore.

This is the year DH and I are getting rid of credit cards. We'll keep one EMERGENCY card (and by emergency I do mean emergencies only; no fast food or gasoline, etc.). Once you get rid of your card payment you'll have that much extra month to save up for things you do need/want. We'll have $200 extra a month after ours are paid off! I'm so excited and cannot wait for that moment.

Next step after you get rid of your credit card is to lock it up somewhere and use it only in case of emergency (unexpected ER visit, car breaks down, etc.) and then pay that transaction off as quickly as you can before putting anything else on it. Dave Ramsey has another idea. He says to get rid of credit cards altogether and only spend cash for the things you need and want. You're more frugal with money you can actually see and hold than invisible money on a debit card. Your choice but going with Dave Ramsey's suggestion will most likely keep you guys on the straight path to debt freedom.

Another step is to increase how much you put in savings. Now that you don't have a credit card payment you should be saving that money!

And finally if the His-versus-Her money thing continues perhaps creating a second account to put an allowance for you would be a wise idea. But I would NOT do that until you pay off debt. I don't think we should reward ourselves until we have the money to do so and debt hinders that.
Helpful - 0
1271927 tn?1310580362
OMG! Sorry my response was so long! LOL!
Helpful - 0
1271927 tn?1310580362
Well, you have a lot of great advice but I will give you my two cents. DH and I used to fight over money all the time. But after so many years of being together (going on 12 years now!) we seemed to have figured it out.

I spend money like it's going out of style. I love the feeling of paid bills and I love the high of shopping. I even love to grocery shop. If it involves money and spending it, sign me up!! In fact, my first job at my company was ordering pens - I haven't been happier with a job since! I LOVE spending money on anything!

Now, my husband likes to SAVE money. He likes to be in control of the money, but hates the stress of paying bills. It litterally depresses him because he hates putting all that money out.

So, where we compromised is that I set out a budget of what it takes to pay bills and make sure nothing is going to bounce if a few bills are higher than normal each month. My entire check goes to paying bills and my hubby deposits $200 each week into my account. Then I go money crazy paying all the bills. The rest of the money HE is in charge of. He is responsible for saving. He is in charge of extras and splurges as well. I should also note that HE is a smoker and I am NOT. So, we all know he spends at least $40-60 a week on ciggerattes (they are over $6 a pack here) so I expect to be able to spend that amount of money at any given time.

Sometimes I do spend that much each week on frivouls stuff, and other times I don't. But when I ask for $100 to go get my hair done, you better be able to produce cash within a week or two so I can make that appointment. We have also agreed to a Friday date night in which we go out to dinner. The money "left over" each week from his paycheck decides if it's an Outback kinda date or a Taco Bell kinda date! If car trouble arrises, we see if we can make it a week or two with one vehicle until we can SAVE the money to fix the car. Sometimes the money has to be spent now to fix the problem though and he is responsible for producing that cash from all that savings he did!

I think it's important to remember that smoking is not a necessity, but rather an entertainment expense. Addicted or not, it's not a necessity and falls into the same category as ice cream, forgetting lunch, or taking an extra trip to the store and needing extra gas money to get through the week. They are all EXTRA expenses. This is coming from an EX smoker - I know it's hard to quit, but it's even harder to go hungry.

I also know the feeling of being the only income provider in our household. DH works in construction and one too many times he has been unemployed. In previous years he was working as a self contractor and was not able to qualify for ANY financial assistance. Only once did he qualify for unemployment and I assure you it's barely enough to buy groceries for a week. The point is that it's very difficult being the only provider. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. If a bill needed to be paid, only I could do it. If he needed gas to go job hunting, only I could provide that. In those situations, he handed ALL money responsibilites over to me. I and ONLY I decided how all the money was spent. If we only had $5 for ciggerettes for the ENTIRE week, guess what? He smoked VERY little that week, re-lit some old nasty butts, smoked only a 1/3 of a ciggerete at a time, and even resorted to rolling his own smokes so they would last longer. It was tough for me to be the only provider, but it was tough for him to make huge sacrifices too.

Maybe one thing you both can do to resolve money issues is to talk more about every expense, even the $5 ones. If I added up all the $5's I spent each week it would be embarassing. In fact, DH once added up his "two dollar" coffees. Come to find out, the $2 coffee was more like $10 each day. He would grab breakfast and snack too at the store. Now he makes coffee and breakfast before he leaves for work and he has plenty of junk food snacks in his lunch pail. It's much easier and cheaper now. And it leaves more money in HIS pocket, which makes him happy. If he's happy, I'm happy. If I spent $5 here and there without talking to DH about it (or getting the money and approval from him) then I would spend all our money every week - and I've done that before.

Perhaps a talk with him about sharing money would be helpful. But be prepared to admit your faults too - and don't down play them or you probably won't get anywhere on getting him to compromise. It's clear that both parties have a money issue. Finding out the true fears and feelings in this marriage is key to finding the right compromise for you both. And I know you both can do it.

Remember, this too shall pass. My DH once told me (when I was in a fit of rage over something dumb) that we are going to have bigger problems than this in the future - we can do this now and we will do this better in the future. He was so right. Losing a child is way harder than losing $5. If we can't calmly figure out how to deal with the loss of a few bucks, how in the world could we have dealt with the loss of our baby? There are bigger problems out there and this one you two can figure out nicely and in a civil manner- I just know you can because it's apparent how much you two love each other (and arianna too!).
Helpful - 0
1528695 tn?1360582320
hey, btw good luck. being young, new parents, and newly married is a challenge for anyone! Hope all goes well.
Helpful - 0
1222635 tn?1366396286
thanks for the responses ladies.. im not offended by any of them! i know that im not the smartest person financially and i don't claim to be. im only 20 and we've only been married a year...im still learning. im a spender; DH is a saver. it's difficult for me not to spend something when its available. but you are right in this way that it should have been saved for ariana's food. i just thought i could squeeze food and cigarettes out of the remaining 26 bucks we have total (on gift card, credit card, cash, bank)..
but our plan for the new year is this: in march we'll be out of debt to christian brothers. we have had our budget on a spreadsheet for awhile but DH just got a raise and filled out a new W4 so we are getting a lot more on his paychecks. we'll be able to save over $300 a month (thats extra floating around after everything).. once we get a savings account built up to fall back on, ill start doubling up payments on our debt that remains after our tax return.
as far as selling the car, i can't do that. im the type that believes in stretching your budget for something that will be a good investment or will last.. see my thinking originated when my first car my parents bought me was a 97 saturn with 130k on it. i don't hold this against them whatsoever, it was all they could afford. but what happened is that car became too expensive to keep running by the time me and DH were married, and we HAD to replace it. we would have paid way more to keep it running than we would have to buy a used car. we couldn't afford a car at the time, so we had to take out a loan to get it. this time around, i told DH i wouldn't buy anything that didn't have at least another 10 years in it. the $200 payment fits comfortably in our budget once we get these repairs paid off. and i can get over 200k out of that car easily. (plus im in love with it and id cry if it was sold :) )... insurance isn't bad.. geico actually DID save us money!
but thanks for all the advice.. no ive never tried any prescription smoking meds cause, well, i dont have the will to quit. i know how childish that sounds. i know that i need to quit, but i dont want to quit. i have no desire to do so other than for my health. im not really sure where im supposed to get that desire... eventually i am sure ill wanna quit. i made a few deals with DH..such as if ariana ever finds out ill quit and if i ever get a headache from lack of nicotine ill quit.
Helpful - 0
1528695 tn?1360582320
i agree with all of the above. However, your argument about the christmas money is the least of your problems. Yes it may be aggrivating that he is telling you one thing then another later, but at the end of the day he's probably thinking the same thing you are: NOT SPENDING THE LAST $ YOU HAVE and maybe even the fact that you should quit!

Now, i do find it interesting that when he was spending money on you (sonic) the spending was not a problem. However, when you want to spend more on yourself (cigs) and he needs it for gas, it becomes escalated to resentment almost (sounds like).

You are absolutely correct, it is infact "our" money when your married. But the extent of who spends and on what seems to be the issue here. It was "our" money that fixed YOUR car. I just think there may be some underlaying feeling you should address. Getting to the root of the problem will help you out a lot more then picking at EVERY little detail.

Just seems like the fact that he wouldnt let you buy cigs is what is really getting under skin, and not the budget.
Helpful - 0
171768 tn?1324230099
I agree with most posters.
You deserve cigarettes, he deserves to eat out. These are simple luxuries, and most of us have earned the right to simple luxuries. He works hard out of the home, you work hard in the home. I realize you plan carefully, but this month has clearly shown that carefully planning every penny is not sufficient, because unexpected expenses inevitably pop up. Neither of you is right in this scenario because the last $5 (regardless of however few dollars you have designated to cover baby's food) should not be spent on ANY simple luxury. All simple luxuries need to be eliminated until you have a safe cushion in a savings account. Any financial planner would tell you this, and I strongly advise you seek the advice of one.
It is possible to live pay check to paycheck. But it inevitably puts a strain on one's relationship because of situations like the one you describe. As creditcard debt builds up, it will only get worse. One small setback like a car repair can affect you for months, even longer. And honestly, until you have more financial security and more responsible financial planning, these battles will continue to surface. I realize you think the issue at hand is whether or not that $5 was both of yours or his from Christmas. This fight would not exist if you weren't feeling such a financial strain. You express frustration that he had withheld money to you because he felt he had right to it, but NEITHER of you had a right to that money for those purposes.
Individual sacrifices need to be made for the good of the whole family. It is no secret that you are dying to get a place of your own. For the cost of one sonic icecream, you could have had a gallon of icecream in your freezer. For the cost of 1 pack of cigarettes, you could feed your kid for a couple of days.

I know these responses may frustrate you, but there is a reason why they have a common message. Sometimes those who are further from the problem are the ones who have a clearer picture of what may be going on. And know that these responses are posted because most people do know what it is like to be in your shoes. Most of us wouldn't take the time to post if our goal was to judge or make you feel like crap. Seriously- we do have better things to do with our time! Instead, these responders care and would like to see your family succeed and thrive. Best of luck.
Helpful - 0
304970 tn?1331425994
**I haven't ready any of the responses, so sorry if I am repeating anything**

Okay, here's my input.. First of all, I have to say that eating at Burger King and Sonic are really irresponsible things to do if you are absolutely broke and your credit is maxed out. I DO understand being annoyed that he is withholding money. But honestly, with the numbers you just put up in you post, $5 is a lot of money for you guys right now. So, I can understand him not wanting to spend it on butts, but it also shouldn't be spend on his fast food or lunches because he "forgot" lunch..

I am a smoker as well.. This is also an argument between DF and I pretty constantly.. He HATES smoking/smokers.. He thinks it is absolutey disgusting (he's right) and even more so, bad for my health.. And super expensive.. He's right on all accounts.. I will be trying to quit when my new health insurance kicks in next month. I am *hoping* they cover  part of the cost of Chantix. I quit using that prescription in the past, and I want to try again. I wish I had never started back up. It is damn near impossible to quit, so I DO understand the addiction. Trust me. Have you tried Chantix or another smoking cessation prescription?

Anyway, I wish you luck. I get that you are upset about him dictating how the money is spent, but it sounds like you are guys are struggling right now, so maybe you both should try to do things to save money (No fast food, and cutting down/quitting smoking,) He should still be understanding that the money if BOTH of yours,.

Best of luck. ;)  I hope I didn't offend you.
Helpful - 0
1124862 tn?1303850973
I agree with some of the advice you have been given here, and like some said i am not going to put you down for smoking, and as i do not want to defend him, i do understand why he wouldnt give you money for cigs... i am not a smoker myself so i cant tell you its easy to quit, but i can tell you that smoking may not be illegal (you mentioned the money not being for something illegal) but it is in no way safe, either for you or ariana... i can tell by all your posts how much you love that little girl, and maybe she should be the push you need to get you into quitting, second hand smoke even if shes not right in front of you when you smoke it stays in your clothes and your skin and it can be very dangerous...

As for the 5 dollars i agree with ashleen even though its both your money it should have been used for food for ariana rather than food or cigs, you cna never be sure that you have enough because anything can happen... and when you are so short on money wants should be the last thing on the list...

you guys have a baby now and she should be priority, there should never be a budget on what you have to spend on food for her because you "have" to buy cigarettes or food, what if you didnt have that $6 gift card? what if she got sick and you needed that to go get her tylenol? what would happen to her food then??

I completely understand the tight situation because i too have one, and have been literally down to $0 on accounts and cash (we do not have credit cards as we both messed up our credit before we got married, and are now working on paying them off), and have been lucky enough to always have a guardian angel that gets us out of those streches... but we really do suffer when we get to that point where we dont have money even for gas... and its not the ideal lifestyle but we still dont have a baby to feed, but since we found out i was pregnant we have worked really hard on limiting ourselves in wants and focusing really hard on needs... and those needs being everything our baby needs, and stacking up on enough for over a month (diapers, formula, shampoo, body wash) just so we know we will never be short in case we do run into something like fixing the car...

as ahp said we also have a spreadsheet with all our monthly expenses and on there we separate 1st and 15th (hubby is military) and what needs to be paid in that 2 weeks timeframe with that paycheck... then we take whats left and put it in a separate account and only use that one for eating out and getting all our wants...

I hope all the advice here helps you are only 19 and are doing so well up to now... dont let $5 get you out of the right track with your relationship and family!!

Good luck1!
Helpful - 0
1035252 tn?1427227833
I'm not going to repeat what everyone else here has said, because you have some awesome advice if you listen carefully and take it. AHP and I have spoken at length about finances and she and I are totally on the same page (and in the same situations, frequently, lol) so I'll just copy/paste mentally what she said here.

I wanted to highlight a few things I see as HUGE issues...."our money" problems aside.

You're down to the wire for food for Ariana. that should NEVER happen. Even if you THINK you have enough..you never know, you could spill the formula, you could find bugs in her rice cereal, that is a HUGE mistake to run down to the wire.

You can FIX this. I see the issues as being this "he gave me the rest of his Christmas money for ice cream" ....BIG no-no. When you're this close to the wire, it's time to save every single penny. You can splurge when you have money, and you deserve to, but when you're that short...time to cut out the junk food. He shouldn't have gotten Bking, you shouldn't have gotten ice cream. My husband is a smoker and we have to budget money for Cigarettes...I tell him "you can buy 7 packs between now and next pay period...you make them last however you can"...and usually I squirrel away money for one extra pack in case he runs out...but no more than that. And he has to be adult enough to make it work within our means.

Personally? I would sell the car. it's fixed so you'll get a good return. Buy something cheaper and more reliable. lower your payments and insurance (We looked at a used Audi awhile ago and while it has great safety features that go fo you on the insurance, it's expensive because of the class of car it is). I would stop eating out when you're that close to the wire on money. period. Ariana should always have at least $25 set aside every week ($50 per pay period) to make sure that if, God forbid, the worst happens with her food, you have her covered.

Beyond those issues, I would say that AHP and the other ladies gave you some excellent advice on how to handle the whole his/her money thing..it's tough, but it's a long learning process in marriage and we all have to figure out what works best. I can understand him not wanting to giv eyou his $5 for cigs though..is he a smoker? I know when my husband burns (no pun intended) through his cig money and asks me for some out of MY stash (I hide little bits around the house, quite literally like a squirrel LOL) it irritates me because I know what he's spending it on. SO I get his feeling about this. However, I have yet to say "no" because I do agree that a couple's money is joint and should always be viewed that way. if he ever told me I couldn't get something, I would flip out.

good luck...finances are such a strain on even the best relationships!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just wanted to chip in my 2 cents worth here.  As an ex-smoker, I know how tough it is so I won't bore you with what you already know.  It's been my experience that when men act like this about money and are in a situation where the wife is at home, its usually because they are feeling a little resentful that they are going to work everyday and the wife is staying at home.  I think they feel they have more rights to the money because they are earning it.  A lot of times, men agree that you should stay home, but then change their minds when they can't afford all the stuff they want for all of you.  It might not be that, but I've been in your shoes and had friends where you are and that was the reason for the husband's attitude.  I totally agree with the other postings about budgeting, but you need to make sure he is on the same page as you or it won't help.  Men are pretty simple creatures.  They want to please us and take care of us.  Sometimes they act like jerks when really they are mad at themselves for not being able to do a better job financially, or whatever the case may be.  Hang in there honey!  This too shall pass.....eventually.
Helpful - 0
1222635 tn?1366396286
i guess i should clarify on the $5.. i didn't get the cash to spend on cigs or the credit card. i ended up putting it on the debit card, cause well, i had one cig left. i know its not smart, but im not sure im ready to quit or can quit, either. the $6 left in the bank account is AFTER the pack of cigs last night. so after he bought bking and i bought cigs, that $5 in cash i didn't use MUST go in the gas tank.. i hope that makes a little more sense.
but really and truly my issue isn't about the cigs or the $5. its the fact that he was trying to withold and claim cash that i have just as much right over as he does by saying it was his xmas money when i know it wasn't. and he withheld a credit card that belongs to both of us as well. he tried to tell me that the credit card has his name on it. and true, it does. but that is because he opened that credit card before we were married. it is linked to our joint account and is therefore BOTH of our credit cards now. we just never ordered one with my name on it because its not necessary..we don't use it that often.
i just feel as if i am fighting for my right to the money. im not fighting over $5.. im fighting over my right to use money as i please..as long as it isn't a big purchase. DH and i agreed that anything that wasn't a necessity that cost more that $20 would be discussed between both of us, and if it was under $20 then i could buy it as i please.
we have a carefully planned out budget. it's down to the penny. i don't have a separate category for cigs. what i do is write down our bills and subtract those from his paycheck FIRST.. after that i begin subtracting necessities and wants. i have a category for gas, formula, misc, copay (i go to the doctor a lot), eating out food, and savings. the only reason we aren't going by the budget right now is because we had to write a check for $367 to the mechanic on this paycheck. thats a huge amount for us, so i had to subtract that, bills, gas and formula ONLY from DH's check this time. anything left over has been used for things like cigs or icecream at sonic.
Helpful - 0
676912 tn?1332812551
I agree with what some of the others are saying about a budget. I don't work right now, DH is active duty army, and we don't exactly have a lot left over at the end of the pay period. We get paid on the 1st and 15th of every month so the money we get has to stretch. DH uses $50 in gas every 4 days, so the 1st of the month left overs all go to gas, and a good bit of the 15th. We don't have money for much other than bills and necessities, but we still go out to eat once in a while, and spend money on wants. It's all about budgeting and cutting out things you don't need, or going a little cheaper. Like instead of buying name brand cereal, getting the cheaper store brand. If you save and budget, you can get/do whatever you want because you'll have money to. I think you should set aside a certain amount each pay period for each of you to use, like you for cigs, and him for whatever. If you spend it all, oh well you have to save again.

Every marriage finances is a big issue unless you make tons of money. Just sit down and look at what you spend and what you make.
Helpful - 0
951898 tn?1296134343
5n1
well, I do agree that it is BOTH OF YOUR money. I can understand you telling him he could not go out to eat, since he told you you could not spend any money too....But, I think now-a-days it is a growing trend that married couples have split finances....DH and I share money, but we always make sure each other has enough money, and never tell one another that we can/cant do something with it...

I am not knocking you being a smoker, but we have never been down to our last few bucks and wanted to spend it on that. So, I guess I am not as understanding sorry....I know it is a hard habit to kick, so I am not going to down you for smoking....

I would honestly sit down and do a budget, and if you want to continue smoking, so be it, but make sure to add it into the budget, so you will have enough for that to cover you from payday to payday...
Helpful - 0
184674 tn?1360860493
Hmm, okay...well, to be honest, I'm not following the deal with the $5 that was/is either spent on food or cigs verses buying gas...but, I won't focus on that because that's not really the issue here.

First off, I want to say that I do understand the stress money can bring into a marriage and how the spending is prioritized. I'm a case in point--I'm a saver and, well, a self-admitted tight-wad. I literally do not like spending money, even on necessities, if there's not at least a fourth of what I've/we've earned that can be saved and put into an account that can earn interest (savings, 401k, CDs, etc.). My husband, on the other hand...can spend money like it grows on trees. I won't go into the details of what we've gone through to find a solution for us, but I will tell you what's working for us so far.
Separate accounts AND a joint account.
This is a really good solution for you both if you find yourselves staking "rights" to the money that should be for you both, and not one over the other, or for one to have ultimate authority over.
What's worked for my husband and me is a joint account where about 80% of our money goes that is for spending on our family and living necessities--groceries, gas/vehicle maintenance, bills, tithing, etc. Out of that money, whatever is left over after bills and living costs goes directly into savings, no questions or arguments.
I have my own checking account. I put about 10% of my paycheck into it each pay period, as does my husband with his own checking account. Except for him, we agreed that each pay period for him, he gets $100 of his paycheck rather than 10%. That was actually his idea because he knows he spends money sometimes too liberally and he didn't want to cut into our joint finances any more that what he thought was fair enough for him to handle, or what he thought he "needed." for two weeks between each paycheck. As you can probably guess, the money in our own accounts can be spend on whatever we want, however we want, no questions asked.
We make a budget each pay period (every two weeks) on a spreadsheet and we go over it each pay period, letting each other know of any expenses that are expected so if either of us checks the joint account, we're not freaked out by seeing something we didn't expect.
We've been using this method in our finances for about a month now and it's worked like a dream come true. And not to mention, in one month, we've been able to contribute nearly $1000 into savings...something that wasn't even known as a possibility before we worked out our finances the way they are now.
Helpful - 0
1222635 tn?1366396286
well there would be more money on the debit card if i had used the $5.. we have enough for cigarettes and gas and food for ariana, because my cars gas tank goes very far and i have $6 to target and im only running low on cereal
we wont have enough for gas if he uses that 5 dollars on food instead of gas though.
Helpful - 0
688845 tn?1325182236
Sorry meant to put a "?" instead of a .
Helpful - 0
688845 tn?1325182236
This is a tough one for sure. Sorry it's so stressful for you guys. I think we've all be there where money is really tight and it's hard to deal with. I just have one question that popped out at me while I was reading this. If he "NEEDS" to put that $5 in the gas tank than what would have happened if you spent that $5 on cigarettes.  
Helpful - 0
1222635 tn?1366396286
i know i should quit. but right now im not as concerned about that as i am the fact that he feels he has the right to withold our money from me.
feeding her is definitely a priority. we've got her covered.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thats a tough situation, Esp when it comes to $$$. Finances are one thing that the majority of married people fight about. I think you should try to quit?! Count up how much it would save you. Cigs are not "food" and are not a nessesity either. While feeding Ariana and yourselves should and is the number one thing to be concerned about. Hopefully things straighten out for you guys. This finance issue might be affecting him just as much, and that may be why he reacts the way he does. Men dont talk about things until its too late.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Pregnancy Community

Top Pregnancy Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.