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2008858 tn?1343847641

finding it hard

My little girl is 1 week old, born by section on the 25th. Since I feel I'm not doing anything right. I've had a few hours sleep as she just doesn't seem to settle. I worry about every noise she makes and have given up breast feeding so feel like a failure. I love her to bits and only want the best for her but haven't had 5 min with the bd so starting to resent her which I know sounds horrible. Anyone else going through this?
19 Responses
1428239 tn?1333460653
Im really sorry you are going through this.  You have been through alot in the last week and the hormone changes on their own is enough.  You might be experiencing PPD, if you dont see improvements or continue to resent your baby you will want to talk to a doctor..

When my baby was around 2 weeks old, she decided she needed to be held 24 hrs a day even at night. It was really rough.. I love her to but every once in a while, I would get really emotional as I was starving and she was passed out on me and i was stuck in a rocking chair.. I remember crying and thinking to myself that my quality of life had dropped so much all i did was sit around in a chair counting the hours until my husband got home.  I didnt have PPD but thankfully it did get better..

You have alot of new things going on right now and getting time with BD probably doenst get easier until the baby is a couple months old.. I would suggest when you baby is a bit older introducing a bedtime routine.. We did ours around 3 months (should have done it sooner) and started gettingher to bed at 8pm.. It gave us two hours of alone time.. Now at 8 months, she goes to bed at 6 30pm so the evenings are all ours. But in the early days there is no easy way to get around it as your baby needs you alot!

but as  isaid if you dont start to see improvements in your feelings, you ned to see someone about it as it will only get worst if its untreated PPD
1905116 tn?1444428864
Been there hun. I was exactly the same with my first. We put too much pressure on ourselves and then feel guilty that we dont live up to our own expectations. Remember that all baby needs is to be clothed, fed and loved...she doesnt need you to do anything else, she doesnt care where her food comes from. Breastfeeding is hard, I never managed to keep it up, it just isnt for some people, others find it easy and frown on us for quitting, but they aint the ones with a baby who cries 24/7. Dont fall into the trap of wasting these precious days feeling guilty for things you cannot control, try to relax and I guarantee baby will too. I bet there are some desperate grannies or aunties who would love to take baba for a walk for an hour or so to give you some time out? They get to show off the new addition and you get to have a bath!
If this doesnt lift please speak to your midwife/health visitor about PND...I struggled for far too long and still feel guilty about wasting my sons first year in a fog of guilt about how he was born, that I didnt breastfeed, that I couldnt comfort him, the list went on and I wish I knew then that if I had relaxed then we would have got along a lot better. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about it, I thought from your first post at the hospital that you might be struggling, you sounded just like I did...I've taught myself lots of coping techniques and will happily share my experiences. My heart goes out to you, I feel your pain...big hugs x
1905116 tn?1444428864
Bloody hormones! Now I'm having a wee cry for you! It does get better, honestly x
1959722 tn?1338781715
I know I'm crying to lol. Honey I tried so hard to breastfeed my son and he couldn't latch and I tried to pump but couldn't afford a decent pump and it was miserable I felt awful when I couldn't keep it up. I was so tired but didn't want anyone else to have him I had to have my eyeballs on him every second. I cried in the car because I was afraid someone might hit us. Your hormones are buts right now and all of us already moms can totally relate. Don't feel bad but please look into PPD and know the signs. It's important you relate how you're feeling to people so other people know to watch for those signs too. the most important thing I was told about breastfeeding was if it's difficult for either of you don't do it feeding time is bonding time and no one is bonding if someone is frustrated. Good luck
377493 tn?1356505749
Oh honey, no, you are absolutely not horrible.  Having a baby is a complete and total shock initially.  I don't think a single one of us is fully prepared for how incredibly demanding these little people are, and how tough it can be.  Think about it...your hormones are going crazy right now and you are absolutely sleep deprived.  Sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture for goodness sake..and so have crying babies.  Add it all together and it's no wonder your having  a tough time.  You are also NOT a failure for giving up breast feeding.  Being a failure would mean choosing not to feed her at all...big big difference.  And of course you love her. The way your feeling right now has nothing to do with love.  

A couple of thoughts for you.  First off, please please - if you never buy another baby book, get "Happiest Baby on the Block".  My little guy was up every hour after he was born and I am pretty sure this book saved my life and my sanity.  It's practical ways to sooth baby that truly and honestly work.  It's written by a Pediatrician and there is nothing odd in it at all.  It was honestly the only book I bought that I was able to use daily.  

Secondly - is there someone who can give you a break?  BD perhaps, or a friend?  You need to feel confident baby is safe and well cared for, then go get several hours uninteruppted sleep.  No one can go that long with no sleep.  Try, if at all possible, to have daddy or someone else step in a few hours every day so you can just rest.  My husband and I shift slept the first three months.

Thirdly - as another poster commented, it does sound like you may have a bit of PPD.  Do you know most women go through it to some extent?  In some cases it just sort of goes away, but for others (myself included in this), we need a little extra help.  There is no shame.  It does not mean you want to hurt her or anything, it just means your hormones are out of balance and a little help getting back on track is required.  Please speak to your Dr.

And lastly, know it gets better.  It really does.  They do eventually sleep and things do eventually get a bit more normal.  I remember thinking that I was going to feel this way the rest of my life, but the really hard part did pass and now I can hardly remember how awful I felt in the first few weeks.  My son is 2 now.  

Newborns are so hard.  We love them heart and soul, but it's still hard.  I'm glad your reaching out for support.  (((hugs))) to you.  It's going to be ok.
Avatar universal
It gets better. Welcome to mommy hood. Although u should tell this to ur doctor. He may be able to prescribe u something to help u cope with all the changes. The first month is the hardest. I also gave up breast feeding and felt like I didn't have a second to myself. Leaving the house to me 30 minutes by the time I got baby ready. Once u adjust n developed a routine it does get easier. My son is 2 1/2 ...n he is my world, but I still have very little 'me' time.
971074 tn?1362763366
You are not alone. Continue to follow your instincts. Don't be hard on yourself about feeding and try not to compare yourself as a mother or child to anyone else. You and your child are unique.

I will tell you things that helped me early on and you can ignore or try them for yourself.

-I found that If I wore my baby (in a carrier) most of the day he was a lot more comfortable in the evenings and would sleep better.

- When holding my son I would take deep breaths till I was in calm state. The calmer I was...the calmer he was.

- When he was dozing off in my arms and his breathing pattern changed I could usually slip him into a bouncy seat and grab some food, go to the bathroom...etc.

As far as your partner... We made sure to wait till the little man was calm or asleep so we could have dinner together each night. It gave us time to talk. We didn't make it a set time. If it was 10pm before the little man would calm down...then that is when we sat down together. It was important to us.

GOod luck and hang in there.
2008858 tn?1343847641
Thank you everyone. My family live too far away to help and I haven't made any friends. My partner is amazing but he thinks we should let her cry but I can't settle when she's crying. I've found it much better now I'm using a bottle but still feel like I've let her down.
No one tells you how hard a newborn is I guess. Silly as it sounds I thought as long as there clean, fed and happy they would settle but nothing about the cluster feeding and not being able to be put down.
1901977 tn?1333995326
A sling might help you. That way the baby can be close but you don't have to hold her all the time, and you can do other things you need to do.
377493 tn?1356505749
You know, now that we are into the 2's, I can look back on this time and sort of smile.  I had my child later in life (I was 40), so had had years to plan for it.  And let me tell you, I knew exactly how it was going to go!  I was absolutely the perfect parent - then I had him and it all went out the window..lol.  I always say now that I was a far better parent before I actually became a mother.  

I often think women have a really hard time reaching out for, or admitting they need help or are frustrated.  Like it makes us poor parents or something.  Reality is, we all need help in the early days.  Anyone that tells you it was all picture perfect and they had no difficult times is either lying to you, or in serious denial..ha.  
1905116 tn?1444428864
In a way your partner is right, but I know how hard it is to do, us mums cant stand to hear our babies cry...I said after I had my son that I was going to write a book called "what they dont tell you"!!! I think we all get a shock. It took me over a year before I finally had enough of my son not putting himself to sleep and believe it or not supernanny was right and it did only take three nights! The first night was torture but the third night there was silence. Your babe is of course too young for that yet, but try putting her down if she has a content moment and leaving her a few minutes, even if you stay and talk to her but just remove a little of the cuddling. I remember being told to enjoy cuddling my baby all the time, but there comes a point where we have to pee, eat, have a shower etc. Dont feel guilty, there will be many moments in her life that mothers guilt creeps up, but we cant live our lives like that...for example, my sons report card came back from school today, and while he is excelling at maths, his reading is way behind where he should be...its my fault at the end of the day, I dont push him because he hates reading, I love reading and we end up fighting after 10mins and I know fine I will put him off it even more. I'm in a catch 22 and honestly dont really know what to do about it, but there is no point sitting wringing my hands about it, I just have to find a way to help him from now on, I have had to learn to accept that I cant take back my mistakes and I cant dwell on them either, the best thing to do is look forward to the next step and try my best to improve things.
We all feel like failures from time to time, its just that nobody likes to admit it out loud. Find some baby groups to go to, if you've ever read any chick lit books about motherhood you will find that the insanely irritating 'perfect' mums really do exist, every group I have attended has a token Miss Perfect! I used to be intimidated until I got to know one and discovered that she was in reality a bigger mess than I was...it was all a big front, I got a sick kick out of that to be honest, cos I thought she was right to put me down until I realised it was the only way she could make herself feel better. Once I realised that, I could let all the "my one yr old can count to 100, can yours not do that yet?!!" comments wash over me knowing fine that even if her child could do that, it didnt mean that he understood what numbers were, he was just parroting. These groups also have normal mums and you will meet some great people who can help you keep your sanity and you and baby will make friends with whom you will graduate from having coffee with once a week to having nights out with and long friendships. I was in the same boat as you and maybe having my family closer would have helped, but there is lots you can do to stop yourself feeling isolated, dont hide away at home, much as its probably the last thing you want to do, as soon as you are physically fit enough, get yourself out the house for a walk, being out and about does help, even though sitting at home in pyjamas is often a much more attractive option. Sorry for writing a novel!! (and please can you remind me of everything I have just said in 5wks when I'm living in my jammies and freaking out with my new baba??!!!! LOL)  
2008858 tn?1343847641
I think everyone having high expectations for me or just the comments of "your going to be a great mom" I know they meant it in a nice way but now I feel like I should know what to do but feel completely lost.
1905116 tn?1444428864
We all do, and it doesnt matter how many times we do it, we're all lost at the beginning. Please believe that being a good mum is not about being able to breastfeed or having a perfect contended baby or having the best of gear or clothes...your baby being difficult is NOT a reflection on you at all. Remember that your wee girl has her own little personality and will not necessarily fall into one category or another with regards to techniques you will have read about. Take pieces of all the advice and modify them to suit you and baby and you WILL find what works for you both. Am I right in thinking that she'll be a Taurus? If so, I'm afraid we are all stubborn wee mares! In fact, my son is a Gemini and he's at least as stubborn as me and was an awful handful as a baby.
We all struggle, we all feel like failures, but we're bombarded with images and words telling us how our babies should behave and how contended mothers should be, but the truth is that we struggle to get dressed in the morning because our babies cry all day, makeup is long forgotten and if we leave the house without stinking of baby puke or poop in our hair (yes that happened to me!) then its a miracle!
2008858 tn?1343847641
She's a gemini I think. Id feel so much better to have a good sleep.
1905116 tn?1444428864
Can you and your partner trade off for a few hours? Get him to take baby out for a while (dads can usually sleep through crying but we cant!) however weird it will be, believe me it is so worth catching some zzzzz's. You really will feel soooo much better for a couple hours kip and a shower in peace, you may even find that when you have rested and relaxed that baby will be more chilled out too....
2008858 tn?1343847641
He takes her  into another room but she will start to cry and then I can't settle. I try to sleep when she does but even if I can catch a few hours in the day id love a few hours at night.
2008858 tn?1343847641
Just wanted to say a big thank you to my bd for having her all night so I could have a solid sleep. Feel soooo much better now. Feel like I can cope with the week ahead. I am so lucky.
1905116 tn?1444428864
Its amazing what a good nights sleep does for frazzled nerves! So glad you feel better :D
2008858 tn?1343847641
Thanks. It's amazing how much you miss sleep when you don't get it Haha
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