I met my current gf 6 mnths ago. We had different life styles growing up sexually and relationships. I stayed in 7 yr relationship with my ex. Since the break up i had one night stand, couple dating here and there nothing lengthy, and then her. In that span from 7yr GF to couple dating/gf in-between i was cheated on 3 times, one of which by the 7yr girl. I have a terrible sense of abandonment (from past mother issues) and now from relationships.
On her end she has had 1 lengthy relationship being 8 months. The other few real relationships being labeled a "bf and gf" last weeks. Everything in-between up until her being 28 yrs of age have been in casual dating, multi sex partners and one night stands. She said she has been trying for yrs to seriously date but she is picky and none of the men she meet are to her standards for a real relationship.
Which leads me to my problems....over these yrs she has become accustom to speaking, text men a lot, and thinks nothing of it. When she became official with me she would still receive text from men being subtle yet forward with comments (men acting in this way), and in my eyes its men trying to "get it in" as most men do and don’t care if they are taken or not. She says she doesn’t see it and they are all just friends. To her that may be the case but as a man i think i know better...at her last job as a flight attendant she would exchange numbers with men and get into contact with men for work related questions help etc. where they would be together sometimes on trips it was good to keep your co workers numbers i guess, yes woman too but the men to woman ratio def leaned in the men department. She said it just so happen to be men, that it is a coincidence.
Her new line of work and in training (which i am with her per her request to move out with her )and it is highly dominated by men, by a lot. She is in study groups with men, exchanging numbers with men all the time, there are women here as well but the only ones who will send a text to be funny etc are the men. She says they know i have a bf "i" have met them and most have gf's. Then why is the females not texting as much or at all? Why is it always men? Is this normal to get text from men all the time work/ school/ and sometimes non related and not from women in the same way? Wouldn’t you talk to the women via text more then the men? Am i wrong in thinking all men just want to sleep with anyone given the chance taken or not?
I know i have some serious trust issues and always want to see who is texting her and she always would let me look, i have all her passwords, she let me in to her past by me asking about it. Thats the ONLY reason i know about her past. She says she loves me very much and tells me that all the time. She has been very patient with me through all this me causing problems at home having emotional meltdowns of fear to be left .....again. I am at the end of the rope and dont know what i can do to stop this irrational fear...and want to know if these thoughts are irrational based upon what i have explained. I just want to fix all this one way or another.
You have to start with dealing with you. Her changing her behavior is not going to take your fear of abandonment away. I know you think it will, but it won't. The answer lies in you--in your own healing.
We often try to get our partners to act a certain way so we can feel secure. But you said it yourself--you have a history of a deep fear of abandonment. This causes a great insecurity within you and tunnel-vision--all you can focus on is the fear she might leave.
You have to do some work to move passed this fear and into feeling more secure yourself. Once you gain inner-security, your relationship will automatically start feeling more secure as well. AND your relationship cannot feel secure as long as you feel insecure.
I would advice you to seek professional help. You have to face this fear of abandonment and then create a new story. You have to realize that actually, right here, in this moment, you are safe. That no matter what, no matter who leaves you, that you are not going to leave yourself. This is what inner-security is. And once you start cultivating more of it, you relationships are going to get better and better.
This is one of my specialties so please feel free to contact me if you are interested in working with me on this issue. My contact information is on my website: shellybullard.com. Take care.
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